The 'Ring Theory' of kvetching: How not to say the wrong thing

[Anteros]

I thought I'd share a very interesting article I found recently: http://www.latimes.com/nation/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html

[DominantPoet]

Catch all things like this don't really apply to everyone, though. For example, while comforting is certainly ideal to many people as opposed to the so called "dumping", there are those out there who get through hard times by normalizing as much as possible. They don't want to hear what could be considered empty sympathies. Myself, when I'm going through recovery or anything terrible, I hate when people just say "I'm sorry" or "This must be very difficult, what can I do for you?"

It feels like they're fawning and pandering to me, even though I know that's not necessarily the case. And I know for a fact I'm not alone in feeling this way. Also, I tend to care more about other people than I do myself in those situations. If they found it hard to be around me, then by all means - don't be around me. Come when you feel you're able to deal with it well enough.

However, I do agree with that whole "This isn't just about you" BS. People who think that way, to me, need a good smack upside the head. The article is good advice for people who feel that way, certainly - but it's not going to apply to everyone either.

[Jefepato]

This is a possibly useful way to think about things, but I still don't know how to be comforting to whoever's in the inner ring.

[Oniya]

This is a possibly useful way to think about things, but I still don't know how to be comforting to whoever's in the inner ring.

Depending on how close to the center ring you are, you may be able to comfort 'indirectly'.  For example, if someone is in the hospital, and you're a friend of the family, you might offer to give their spouse a ride, watch the kids, bring over food, that sort of thing.  That takes a load off of that person, giving them more ability to pass comfort further in.  Sometimes, just letting someone 'dump' and actively listening to them is the comfort you can give - and they may give you an idea in that listening of something that would make them feel better.

[Cassandra LeMay]

Catch all things like this don't really apply to everyone, though. For example, while comforting is certainly ideal to many people as opposed to the so called "dumping", there are those out there who get through hard times by normalizing as much as possible. They don't want to hear what could be considered empty sympathies. Myself, when I'm going through recovery or anything terrible, I hate when people just say "I'm sorry" or "This must be very difficult, what can I do for you?"

It feels like they're fawning and pandering to me, even though I know that's not necessarily the case. And I know for a fact I'm not alone in feeling this way. Also, I tend to care more about other people than I do myself in those situations. If they found it hard to be around me, then by all means - don't be around me. Come when you feel you're able to deal with it well enough.

And in that case it is perfectly okay for you to tell people exactly that. You are at the center. You can tell everyone everything you like about your own status. Tell them how you feel.

This is a possibly useful way to think about things, but I still don't know how to be comforting to whoever's in the inner ring.

I'd say it depends a lot on the person and situation. Something I would advise is actually ask the person in question "what can I do to help" if you really mean it. Also ask them about anything you are not sure about. Especially if it's about a medical condition, don't just browse the internet and look for answers. Ask them. Chances are the person you are dealing with has already had a lot of talks with medical professionals and is well-informed about their own condition by the time you enter the picture. Asking that person who just had a stroke, a heart attack, a cancer diagnosis, Whatever shows that you trust them to be informed and know stuff. Unsolicited amateur health advice can be a real pain in the behind.

And when in doubt - forget about the crisis. Talk about the weather, sports, music, movies, the latest office gossip. Show people that they are still part of the regular, normal world and that you think no different of them because of whatever happened to them. When things get tough, a dose of normalcy can be a good thing.

[TheGlyphstone]

How does this work with two people who are on the same 'ring', like two close friends? Can you dump inside your ring?

[Cassandra LeMay]

How does this work with two people who are on the same 'ring', like two close friends? Can you dump inside your ring?

Personally I would say no, you don't. dump out. The same ring is not out. The people on the same ring with you go through the same stress as you. Unless you have a very good reason to add your problems to theirs you shouldn't.