Wow, it’s taken me a while to write this post, finding the right words has been hard…
It seems to come as a surprise to many who have no experience with depression that a sufferer can have ‘good days’ as well as ‘bad’. Being depressed doesn’t necessarily mean feeling depressed day in day out, even at its worst I have had days where I have felt good, even great but this holds its own problems. The higher I feel; the more euphoric and on top of the world… the harder I fall when I come crashing back down, often slipping deeper into the depression than I was before.
It’s like being shown something, a way of living and feeling about yourself and life and then having it snatched away from you because you’re not worthy. Everyone is worthy of it, of that kind of happiness and contentment, motivation and productivity but you just can’t believe it when you’re depressed. The logical part of my mind is out the window and the gloomy, wallowing in self-pity side comes to the fore. Sure it’s not healthy, if it were it wouldn’t be a battle, it just is.
So why am I likening this to a yo-yo? Why not a rollercoaster since that seems to be a metaphor most commonly used for the ups and downs of life. Simple really, a rollercoaster is supposed to be enjoyable, its purpose is gratification and it takes no effort from the person experiencing it. Granted, I don’t like rollercoasters, I doubt I ever will but I don’t like yo-yos either. Not only do I just not have the capacity to make them work but they infuriate me. I roll them up, let them drop, they may bounce about half way now and again but usually they just fall and do nothing which is pretty much what happens to me when I’m in one of my slumps.
They work and rely on motion, to drop they need that high and to get back up again they need the drop itself but they also require effort, patience and skill from the person wielding them. Above all else they take practice, most of which is annoying, unpleasant and as with anything new fraught with failure but eventually, once mastered they are rather symbolic of balance.
I hope this is making sense…it made sense in my mind when I was thinking about it, though whether I’ve expressed that well enough or not remains to be seen. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s ok to have ‘good days’ and ‘bad days’ (terms I use loosely since it’s not quite the same as non-depressive good and bad days). Feeling ‘good’ for a day is a blessing, a reminder of how it can be with work and patience but on the same note feeling ‘bad’, though often not balanced with the feeling ‘good’, is not a reason to feel guilty or hate yourself. I’ve been there, I know how it is and I know it can’t be helped but I also know that it is something I have to learn to live with and learn from. I think, as much as the good days make the bad days worse, the bad days make the good days better.