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Author Topic: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View  (Read 102180 times)

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Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #50 on: March 09, 2011, 03:46:01 AM »
*hugs to all*  aww we have our own little depression family!!!!!

and no that wasn't sarcastic.  It feels wonderful to know people understand.

I'm going through a change in my life.  I'm fighting depression again.  I have wonderful friends that are helping this time and It's something new.  I have found having people who help and understand is something that helps tremendously. 

I am taking a huge step forward in life and I know that I will have people who are willing to help catch me. 

Thank you all :)
((Hugs Lady E ))
PM me anytime .....
that goes for anyone we all need each other

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #51 on: March 09, 2011, 06:11:07 AM »
((Hugs Lady E ))
PM me anytime .....
that goes for anyone we all need each other

I echo this...even if I'm not around much posting I always get my PMs and I'm always around to listen  :-) 

Also I forgot to say welcome to Athos and Searra earlier (my mind is all over the place this week) so welcome to, as ladyelizabeth put it, our little depression family. If nothing else we have plenty of hugs to go round!

Offline RhedynTopic starter

The Yo-yo Effect
« Reply #52 on: March 25, 2011, 05:19:22 AM »
Wow, it’s taken me a while to write this post, finding the right words has been hard…

It seems to come as a surprise to many who have no experience with depression that a sufferer can have ‘good days’ as well as ‘bad’.  Being depressed doesn’t necessarily mean feeling depressed day in day out, even at its worst I have had days where I have felt good, even great but this holds its own problems. The higher I feel; the more euphoric and on top of the world… the harder I fall when I come crashing back down, often slipping deeper into the depression than I was before.

It’s like being shown something, a way of living and feeling about yourself and life and then having it snatched away from you because you’re not worthy. Everyone is worthy of it, of that kind of happiness and contentment, motivation and productivity but you just can’t believe it when you’re depressed. The logical part of my mind is out the window and the gloomy, wallowing in self-pity side comes to the fore. Sure it’s not healthy, if it were it wouldn’t be a battle, it just is.

So why am I likening this to a yo-yo? Why not a rollercoaster since that seems to be a metaphor most commonly used for the ups and downs of life. Simple really, a rollercoaster is supposed to be enjoyable, its purpose is gratification and it takes no effort from the person experiencing it. Granted, I don’t like rollercoasters, I doubt I ever will but I don’t like yo-yos either. Not only do I just not have the capacity to make them work but they infuriate me. I roll them up, let them drop, they may bounce about half way now and again but usually they just fall and do nothing which is pretty much what happens to me when I’m in one of my slumps.

They work and rely on motion, to drop they need that high and to get back up again they need the drop itself but they also require effort, patience and skill from the person wielding them. Above all else they take practice, most of which is annoying, unpleasant and as with anything new fraught with failure but eventually, once mastered they are rather symbolic of balance.

I hope this is making sense…it made sense in my mind when I was thinking about it, though whether I’ve expressed that well enough or not remains to be seen. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s ok to have ‘good days’ and ‘bad days’ (terms I use loosely since it’s not quite the same as non-depressive good and bad days). Feeling ‘good’ for a day is a blessing, a reminder of how it can be with work and patience but on the same note feeling ‘bad’, though often not balanced with the feeling ‘good’, is not a reason to feel guilty or hate yourself. I’ve been there, I know how it is and I know it can’t be helped but I also know that it is something I have to learn to live with and learn from. I think, as much as the good days make the bad days worse, the bad days make the good days better.

Offline crystaltears

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #53 on: March 25, 2011, 08:38:31 AM »
Wow, it’s taken me a while to write this post, finding the right words has been hard…

Sometimes the best things we can say become the hardest to put in words.

Well said though, and insightful. I imagine particularly so to those who don't struggle with Depression. Thanks for sharing with us again, Rhedyn.

Offline Athos

Re: The Yo-yo Effect
« Reply #54 on: March 25, 2011, 02:53:17 PM »
but on the same note feeling ‘bad’, though often not balanced with the feeling ‘good’, is not a reason to feel guilty or hate yourself.

Very true. That was probably the hardest thing for me to accept, that by feeling bad I wasn't somehow validating all those things that I feared were true about myself. However, once I was finally able to say "Though I may feel completely worthless today, that doesn't mean that I am," I found it much easier to fight through the bad days.

Offline Oreo

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #55 on: March 25, 2011, 03:41:02 PM »
Very good analogy, Rhedyn, though the motion of both a roller-coaster and a yo-yo are enough to make my stomach uneasy these days. Even through the many years this disease has me in its clutches I admit I 'do' feel guilty about letting other people down; whether it stems from my lack of physical or mental ability. However, I think my strength comes from not letting myself down. Each day I survive is a testament to my character, of refusing to give into the pain and debility. It is this I hold onto, unyielding as I cling to hope.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #56 on: March 25, 2011, 06:43:05 PM »
Thanks crys....love the new avi by the way!  :-)

Very true. That was probably the hardest thing for me to accept, that by feeling bad I wasn't somehow validating all those things that I feared were true about myself. However, once I was finally able to say "Though I may feel completely worthless today, that doesn't mean that I am," I found it much easier to fight through the bad days.

I really do think it's one of the hardest things to get your head round and just to keep in mind when you're in one of those slumps. Thank you for your input Athos.

I 'do' feel guilty about letting other people down; whether it stems from my lack of physical or mental ability. However, I think my strength comes from not letting myself down.

I know exactly where you're coming from. Guilt plays a really big factor for me, particularly relating to those around me. I think you're right in saying my strength comes from not letting myself down. I've never really thought about it like that but it's very true, thank you for sharing.

Offline monicaclassycoed

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #57 on: March 25, 2011, 06:53:01 PM »


I hate myself.

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #58 on: March 25, 2011, 10:09:55 PM »

I hate myself.

sent you a PM, here if you want to talk PM or YIM either or is fine.

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #59 on: March 25, 2011, 10:27:11 PM »
thought for sure I would make it this time.
guess that's what I get for thinking.
as I have said, I hate March, absolutely hate it.
Mainly due to friends dieing in this miserable month. I thought,
hey! not this time, things are looking up. Yay!
My daughter and I are reuniting for the first time in 22 years...
great..
No deaths this month...well, almost, almost broke the cycle.
almost doesn't count for anything.
 :'( my dear friend Carl died, within hours of
my bf and I breaking up, taught me another lesson about trust.
he said he was single, I believed him,  trust me he said.
 :-\

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #60 on: March 26, 2011, 04:15:39 AM »
monica - I'm here if you want to talk/vent to someone, feel free to PM me (even if I'm offline I'm around and will reply asap)

*hugs Sybl* I'm so sorry for your loss, and that your bf turned out to be a class A jerk. You're better off without him, but I know how much those trust lessons hurt from my own experience. I really hope things go well with reuniting with your daughter *sends some positive energy your way*
« Last Edit: March 26, 2011, 04:17:41 AM by Rhedyn »

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #61 on: March 26, 2011, 10:01:14 AM »
monica - I'm here if you want to talk/vent to someone, feel free to PM me (even if I'm offline I'm around and will reply asap)

*hugs Sybl* I'm so sorry for your loss, and that your bf turned out to be a class A jerk. You're better off without him, but I know how much those trust lessons hurt from my own experience. I really hope things go well with reuniting with your daughter *sends some positive energy your way*
thank you Rhedyn, just stacked up another wall of bricks
adding to the walls already built.
 *hugs back, and keeps the positive energy*

Offline Kronn

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #62 on: March 26, 2011, 10:48:46 AM »
Yes, I hope that your reunion with your daughter will go well...... I think...Ummm I really think that if you were willing to meet in the first place, there's still love...smoldering nice warm fire inside inside both of you.....a nice warm smolder...... I think maybe a little one millionth of a second of initial  awkwardness and followed by tears of joy and forgiving and forgiveness........

If she wants to meet, she has something to tell you ..... If she wants to meet the love is there....... then the tears and emotions will flow :-) :-)   I'm glad you won't miss that chance.


I hope I'm making sense.


Kronn

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #63 on: March 26, 2011, 11:02:00 AM »
Yes, I hope that your reunion with your daughter will go well...... I think...Ummm I really think that if you were willing to meet in the first place, there's still love...smoldering nice warm fire inside inside both of you.....a nice warm smolder...... I think maybe a little one millionth of a second of initial  awkwardness and followed by tears of joy and forgiving and forgiveness........

If she wants to meet, she has something to tell you ..... If she wants to meet the love is there....... then the tears and emotions will flow :-) :-)   I'm glad you won't miss that chance.


I hope I'm making sense.


Kronn
thank you Kronn,
yes there is much love at least from my side, and I forgave her a long time ago.
I am very much looking forward to the days ahead as we bond once again.. I'm a mother, how could I not forgive or love her :-) 
you make perfect sense,
thank you for posting your reply

Sybl

Offline Athos

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #64 on: March 26, 2011, 02:57:07 PM »
*sends hugs to monica* Well we don't hate you. Feel free to PM if you need someone to talk to you. *sends hugs to Sybl* Good luck with your daughter, I really hope things work out for you.

*sends hugs out to everyone else too*

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #65 on: March 26, 2011, 03:55:20 PM »
*sends hugs to monica* Well we don't hate you. Feel free to PM if you need someone to talk to you. *sends hugs to Sybl* Good luck with your daughter, I really hope things work out for you.

*sends hugs out to everyone else too*
Thank you Athos. *Hugs back*

Offline Oreo

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #66 on: March 26, 2011, 04:55:58 PM »

I hate myself.

This is a difficult concept to break. I have stated my Life Philosophy in my Preferences, but thought I might expound on it a bit here since it works twofold; inward and outward.

I believe in unconditional love. Unfortunately, the average person is programmed from birth to love only conditionally. Consequently, they grow up feeling that they have to earn any love that they get. Earn it by their good behavior, by agreeing to let someone else have their way, by giving someone what they want, or simply by just being "nice".

We are left to flounder in the concept that if we aren't socially active or giggly happy, we are unlovable, deserving of self hatred because we don't measure up. There must be something wrong with us.

This, of course, only breeds a circular kind of unprogressive conformity. Since the impression is built deeply within us that we must "please" our parents or our playmates or anyone else, for that matter, in order to be loved, we come to expect others to be able to "please" us if they want our love. This deep-seated attitude makes it humanly impossible for us to love anyone who disagrees with us or believes differently or acts differently from the way we think they should.


It also cultivates the feeling that it is impossible to love ourselves. We see others as happier than they actually are and this only serves to make us feel more miserable than we deserve. We can't see their internal struggles or know the level of difficulty they strive against. We tend to focus on all the negative aspects of our personality, instead of noting that we are extremely aware of our own sensitivity and count this as a prized quality.

Because all people not only need to be loved, but also need to love, this often leads us in frantic efforts to manipulate people. To try to change them. To make them over into what we want them to be so that then we can love them.

We also try to change ourselves, or degrade our good nature, considering it of little worth. I have noticed people that tend toward self hatred are often introspective and worry about not fitting in. These people are also generally very caring and unwilling to harm others in word or action.


Until we stop this negative behavior in ourselves, acquiesce to love ourselves, we will never learn how to love unconditionally. Choose to accept people how they are; to love them for who they are, no questions asked. Choose to love yourself for who you are, how you are, no questions asked. We are complex creatures deserving of more than we ofttimes permit ourselves to believe.

I think this is one of the finest, amazing qualities of Elliquiy as a whole; unqualified acceptance.

Monica, you are loved.

Offline Jated

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #67 on: March 26, 2011, 05:23:44 PM »
Thank you for sharing this.  Kinda puts some things into perspective.

Offline CelticWings

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #68 on: March 26, 2011, 05:53:50 PM »
I just want to echo everyone else and say thank you for sharing. I know I'm depressed, I've known it for a long time, but the only person who sees it or even believes me is my husband. Sometimes it's really nice to know you're not alone, and reading this, I don't feel so alone.

So... thanks.

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #69 on: March 26, 2011, 06:14:20 PM »
I just want to echo everyone else and say thank you for sharing. I know I'm depressed, I've known it for a long time, but the only person who sees it or even believes me is my husband. Sometimes it's really nice to know you're not alone, and reading this, I don't feel so alone.

So... thanks.
hi CelticWings,
I can relate to you concerning no one believes except your husband. No one has believed me in my circle of friends, or family for that matter. You aren't alone, you have many here who are willing to support you, be here for you, offer a hug.

It wasn't until I came to Elliquiy, that I found, I am not alone. PM me any time.

*hugs*
Sybl

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #70 on: March 26, 2011, 06:40:56 PM »
*offers hugs and welcomes all round*

We all believe. As hard as it may be to believe at times you are not alone. Depression is just one of those things that becomes so well hidden we don't realise how many people it affects. All of our experiences with it are unique but there are also so many common threads between us as well.

Offline monicaclassycoed

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #71 on: March 28, 2011, 03:44:34 PM »

Thanks everyone! Great post Oreo it really made sense to me.

Offline Oreo

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #72 on: March 28, 2011, 03:55:49 PM »
*hugs Monica* I'm happy to know it may have helped. Once I got past the thought of being 'conditioned' I was able to work through a lot of my self hatred issues. After nearly 20 years of verbal, mental and sexual abuse, believe me, I was one jumbled mess ;)

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #73 on: April 01, 2011, 03:08:22 AM »
I think today is going to be a very difficult day for me. It set in again last night when I climbed into bed and sat in the dark...nothing but sadness and tears. I was hoping it would be gone when I woke up, that a new day would help, but it hasn't. I'm still sad and still crying for no reason. I just want to give up and push everyone away, but I'm trying really hard not to because I know it won't help, it will just make me feel worse.

Will I ever live without feeling like this? I want the light again and all the happiness it brings.

Offline crystaltears

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #74 on: April 01, 2011, 09:51:30 AM »
*Hugs Rhedyn* I know what it feels like to be there, Rhedyn. Most of us do. We're here for you, in sympathy and support. I know you've written it and thought it, that the light will be there on the other side.. And that the words feel empty when you're in the darkness, but they're not. You've come out of the dark before, and of course you will again, and we'll be here to understand what you're going through and help in any way we can from the other side of the monitor when and if you need us. *Smiles faintly.* The PM box is always open.