Friendship is rare,
Do you know what I'm sayin' to you?
Friendship is rare.
When you find out much later
That they don't really care.
This appears to be the story of my life, so eloquently put in the first verse of the Friendship Song by Tenacious D. Recently I've had the need to talk, the want to talk to someone, anyone who I consider a friend and who really knows me. There are decidedly few people who I consider close friends, close enough for me to open up and talk to about the things I need to. Of late I have been realising they are fewer than I had anticipated.
I'm not a terribly outgoing person, I'm very shy believe it or not and as a result I find it very hard to make friends and trust people enough to really open up to them. When I do it's a big deal but over recent years nearly everyone I do let in turn out to either not really care about how I'm feeling or seem to just be putting up with me and my moods.
I've never really wanted to talk about this, my depression and how I'm feeling but of late I've been reaching out only to find that doors I thought were open are firmly shut. People I've just met online through gaming seem to give more of a damn about how I'm doing than people I've known and let in and I don't know them well enough to open up to them...I doubt I ever will.
Perhaps this is just my mood coming through? I wasn't going to write this post but I felt I had to get it out because, quite frankly I had to release it. I have been struggling, feeling like people are abandoning me of late. My other half goes away for a month soon, not long I know and I trust him completely but, as I have stated before, the depression lies. It tells me that he's just not going to come back, like my ex-husband didn't, because I'm not worth coming back for. I try to open up to him, to talk to him when he is around and I'm told I'll feel better tomorrow. Well sure, I may well but at that moment I don't feel better, at that moment all I need is a little understanding, not being told that me getting emotional or sad makes him feel unwelcome so he might as well just go home because I'm obviously not happy to see him.
So I bottle up my mood, it festers and I turn elsewhere, I look for someone, anyone who I consider close enough to know me that I can talk to and no-one is there. I am, for that moment of need, completely alone.
I wonder sometimes if this is my lot. If I will ever find close friends who will be there to support me when I need them. Perhaps one day I will, I just wish I knew where they were hiding.