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Author Topic: Let's Tell Jokes!  (Read 2895 times)

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Offline the taken

Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #25 on: May 06, 2010, 08:19:44 PM »
There once was a man from Nantucket. I know this because I pulled him over for speeding.  C:)

Offline Red Tressed Imp

Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #26 on: May 08, 2010, 11:54:18 AM »
A man had a job hauling chickens from New York to California, and he kept his parrot in the cab of the truck with him for company.

The man was very perverted and hadn't had sex in a while, so when he saw a pretty young lady walking along the road, he stopped and asked her if she would like a ride. She smiled and said yes. He gave her a toothless grin and replied, "Give me a fuck, and I'll give you a ride."

She was disgusted of course and said no. He responded with a shrug and said "No fuck, no ride." Just then, the parrot piped up. "Ack! No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!" The man, irritated, told the bird to shut up and drove off.

Miles down the road, he saw another pretty young woman, so he again pulled over. When he asked her if she would like a ride, she smiled and said yes. He said, "Give me a fuck, and I'll give you a ride." This lady also said no, and the man stated with another shrug,  "No fuck, no ride."

Again, the parrot piped up. "Ack! No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!" The man was getting angrier, mainly at the refusal of these women to have sex with him, so he told the bird to shut up, adding "If you don't, I'm gonna throw you there with them chickens" before driving away.

Miles away, he spotted another woman who was walking. He stopped and went through the same routine, getting another no and again stating clearly "No fuck, no ride." The obstinate parrot babbled "Ack! No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!" By the point, the man had had it, so he grabbed the parrot and threw it in the back before storming back to the cab of his truck and driving off.

Miles down the road, he glanced into his rear view mirror and was confused by the sight of white objects flying from the back of his truck. He pulled over and went to the back, his mouth gaping as he saw what was going on.

The parrot was throwing one chicken after another out of the truck while cackling repeatedly, "Ack! No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!"

Offline Subtle Trouble

Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #27 on: May 08, 2010, 03:21:34 PM »
What is brown and sticky?
...A stick

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
...Nacho cheese!

Offline despickable

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Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #28 on: May 09, 2010, 11:35:17 AM »
I lost the trivia contest by one point the other night. The final question was Where do most women have curly hair?
Apparently the answer is Africa

Offline TenchuFall

Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #29 on: May 23, 2010, 06:43:12 PM »
Guy:I'm getting laid tonight.
Girl:How do you know?
Guy:Because I'm stronger than you.

***

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

***

Know how to turn a guy off from sex?
Point and laugh.

Offline despickable

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Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #30 on: May 25, 2010, 08:20:13 AM »
There  are three kinds of people in this world
Those who can count and those who can't


My mother wouldn't breast feed me as a kid She just wanted to be friends

I love those boy jellie babies the best, you get that little bit of extra jelly
« Last Edit: May 25, 2010, 10:04:04 AM by despickable »

Offline PantheanTopic starter

Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #31 on: May 25, 2010, 10:00:06 AM »
There  are three kinds of people in this world
Those who can count and those who can't



My mother would breast feed me as a kid She just wanted to be friends

I love those boy jellie babies the best, you get that little bit of extra jelly

xD
that last one's good

Offline despickable

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Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #32 on: May 25, 2010, 10:21:00 AM »
i got a complement from my bank today.
They said I had an outstanding account

this bank might be good with money but English not so good


Offline PantheanTopic starter

Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #33 on: May 25, 2010, 10:25:12 AM »
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, HuntingAndFishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks ...Troubled User
-------
REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 installed and work on improving the configuration. I suggest installing the background application YesDear 99.0 to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to do this before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as CleanAndSweep 3.0, CookIt 1.5 and DoBills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0, but beware because sometimes these applications can be expensive.

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

WARNING!!! Attempting to install NewGirlFriend 8.8 along with Wife 1.0 will crash the system.

(see Wife 1.0 manual, Apologize, High Maintenance & Secretary with Short Skirt)


once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary,
over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'.
While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
" 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!"
quoth the server, 404.

Offline Xandi

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Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #34 on: May 25, 2010, 10:30:49 AM »
I love that Joke it is so funny I am rolling on the floor and laughing so hard that I think I might piss myself....Thanks I need that

Offline PantheanTopic starter

Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #35 on: May 25, 2010, 10:32:25 AM »
I love that Joke it is so funny I am rolling on the floor and laughing so hard that I think I might piss myself....Thanks I need that

which one? ???

Offline Xandi

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Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #36 on: May 25, 2010, 10:33:32 AM »
The Wife VS Girlfriend AI thingy

Offline Trouble

Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #37 on: May 26, 2010, 10:24:57 PM »
 Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"

The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
-------

What do you use to fix a broken tuba?

A tuba glue.

« Last Edit: May 26, 2010, 11:00:33 PM by Trouble »

Offline despickable

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Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #38 on: May 27, 2010, 04:14:29 AM »

LOL

i loved those  MUSICAL JOKES

here's my three

My dad was a fiddler. He fiddled the books in the bank.

Sing. I couldn't hold a tune in a bucket

I strained my voice singing and everyone else's hearing

 

Offline Trouble

Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #39 on: May 27, 2010, 06:56:38 PM »
I like the word play in the fiddle joke. I play viola, violin, and harp. I hear a lot of music jokes.

-------------------
 At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"

The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."

The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
----------------
How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi, I'm better than you."

Violinists traditionally greet each other by saying, "Hi, I played that piece in junior high."
------------------

 A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
---------------------------------

How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

       1. None. They can't get that high.
       2. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

Basses, on the other hand, are too manly to change lightbulbs. They prefer to just walk around in the dark and bang their shins.
It takes at least two sopranos, though. One hands her diet coke to another and then holds up the bulb, waiting for the world to revolve around her. You can have more, if you feel it's necessary to listen to them bicker about how much better they could have done it.
It requires at least two punk rock musicians. One to change it and the other to break the old bulb with his head.

Offline randy1

Re: Let's Tell Jokes!
« Reply #40 on: July 04, 2010, 08:42:32 AM »
A man is in need of a horse whisperer. A friend in a bar tells him that he knows one and to meet the horse whisperer in the bar the next day. The man asks him how will he be  able tell who is the horse whisperer. "Thats easy " says his friend " He is a dwarf with a lisp. So the next day the man turns up and sure enough finds the horse whisperer there and they go out to his ranch to inspect his horse. The horse whisperer asks the man " Pick me up so I can look into her eyths". So the man holds up the dwarf so he can look into the horses eyes. "Now" says the dwarf " Pick me up so I can look in her mouth". So the man picks up the dwarf so he can look in the horses mouth. "Now" the dwarf says " show me her twot". The mans getting a bit pissed by now with the dwarf demands, so he picks him up shoves him deep into the horses fanny and wiggles him about. Pulls him out and then sets him back down on the ground, at which time the dwarf says " Let me rephrase that. I'd like to see her run around and around". :)