The Grass Is Greener When You Have a Penis

[epitech]

Please let me start off with a disclaimer.  This blog post this is not an accusatory finger pointed at females nor a dissection of feminism.  What this is, is the feelings and observations of one man who struggles to understand some of the unspoken rules of the world for if you are a male.  I am aware that being female presents many challenges and I am not going to pretend to understand the gravity or pressure of them; what I will do is address some of the challenges of being a male and hopefully help some people understand that things aren’t as clear cut as they are presented, often the way they are presented by men themselves.

Another disclaimer: This may be regional to my home city/country, although I have heard similar accounts for other males.  I can’t vouch for anyone but myself and I sure can’t vouch that it is the same everywhere.
I will be the first to admit I am not the manliest of men, not even close, nor am I the most delicate.  I’m in my late 20’s, hold a technical diploma (and almost a second) and work around books.  I like to read, watch movies, play (and even try to design) board games, video game and play paintball.  Oh one more thing, I love pretty things, fuchsia/magenta is my favourite colour and I love ‘dressing up.’


Sensitivity and ‘Being a Man’

This is a bit of a touchy subject, and the one that made me decide to write this post.  This is the thing that fucked, me, up for life with the expectations society hold of men.  When I was a kid I used to be very emotionally sensitive, very easy to upset and hurt, I still am.  The difference between then and now is back then I could express it, I could vent and cry; these days I have an emotional callous an inch thick.  That’s not to say I don’t get any less hurt or upset but I subconsciously repress those ‘weaker emotions’ to the point where I can go to a family funeral and am unable to cry.

Growing up, from men, and women, never my parents, they were always very supportive of me whenever I got upset and expressed it, someone would respond with something like “Man up,” “Boys don’t cry,” “Harden up,” and “Stop being a wimp.”  And you’d think that’s just kids teasing?  Nope, half of it was from adults; what kind of adult tells a 4-6 year-old kid in distress to essentially, “Stop being a bitch and harden the fuck up.”?  And so childhood continued, I adapted and it became less until one day I, ‘manned the fuck up,’ and I think on that day part of me died because that ability to express pain and emotionally vent is a coping tool and a means of communication.  I don’t condone violence against other people unless in a defensive nature but I think that is why men tend to be more violent, there are all these complex emotions society tells us aren’t ‘manly’ and if something keeps pushing, and pushing, something has to break; well… we can’t cry, that’s weak, how can one express their frustration?  How about hitting some shit?  That’s a strong way to express weak emotions, right?

I’m not sure whether it’s in our natural coding or it is part of our society but men rarely talk about their feelings.  We don’t go out to sit down and chat; our interactions are always based around an activity (sport, gaming etc.)  It feels a very awkward thing we don’t do; with some prying we may open up to women but to be honest, it seems very rare between men, it’s just seems that is ‘not a done thing.’  And something, either naturally or artificially, we have no inclination to do.


Approaching Women

I am not going to be one of those self-proclaimed ‘nice guys’ who expects that just because someone is nice to a woman, they expect her to owe them anything.  What I will say is, for a lot of men this shit is not easy and it doesn’t get easier.  Contrary to what some may believe, there are many guys who will not ‘hit on’ women at every opportunity or even every night-time outing to a club, bar or event.  Either through terror or respect (or both!) many males will not approach a Lady unless he is genuinely interested.

Like most things in life, the hardest part is starting and for the majority of this the male is expected to initiate the conversation.   That doesn’t sound too hard, does it?  Start a conversation, with a person you know nothing about, possibly in the company of their friends and appear confident (not arrogant, although there are some men who don’t know the difference, I will admit that) because nervousness is weakness, weakness is not manly and that scientifically will make someone less desirable.

Invariably people get shot down, it’s going to happen, everyone has the right to choose and that’s cool.  If you have ever been in a long-term job hunt, that is the most akin situation I can liken this to; it does wear you down, it does make things a struggle and you can start to seriously doubt yourself and your worth.  Being shot down is not the problem; it’s the way you get shot down that hurts.  Have you ever been given a fake phone number?  Or stared through like you’re the scourge of the Earth just for saying “Hello”?  It happens… more than we care to admit.  The perfect rejection for me would be something like a polite, “Heya, I’m not interested but thank you.”  Women don’t have to accept anyone, but please understand that unless the guy is blatantly an asshole, there are feelings behind that inconvenient, random person and while there are prominent assholes out there (they seem to like to make this known) it could just be a guy who spent the past 2-3 hours, working up his nerves to walk across the room to say “Hello.”


Being Around Kids

This one is sad and almost a bit of an unspoken rule but many (not all) guys are scared of kids.  They don’t want to be left alone with them and they sure as hell won’t touch them even in a friendly positive affirmation like a pat on the shoulder for fear of any judgements or accusations that may be made against them.  People have been accused, found innocent and acquitted of being a child molester but that thing tends to stick as soon as the blame has been thrown, the damage is done for life.

I am fearful that this will create a feedback loop with negative ramifications for both the kids and men as women are seen as ‘ok’, ‘safe’ and the warm carers (which they are) but men could be subconsciously and increasingly viewed by the new generations as cold and unapproachable by the men around them unnaturally distancing themselves.  Sometimes kids need physical reassurance from a male figure and it feels like we can’t express that.

Note: I avoid kids for these possible perceptions; a kid approaching me makes me uneasy despite having no agenda or malice towards the kid.  Logically it makes sense that anyone would not want to chance their child against a doubt like this, no matter how narrow the odds, but should an innocent man feel fearful?


Living with the Legacy of Every Other Dumb Guy

I will try not to rant at length about this one but as men… we get generalised A LOT and at times I cannot help but feel like each man is being held accountable for the actions of a small proportion of the male population.  I liken this to the saying, ‘eat at a good restaurant tell one person, eat at a bad restaurant, tell 20.’  From more harmless generalisations to very serious ones that get propagated.  Not all men do ‘dumb shit,’ some do.  Not all men treat women poorly, some do.  Not all men are rapists, very few are.  My point is, if you take any cross-section of society you are going to find that most people are OK, even good, but there is a proportion of every cross-section of society that ruin it for everyone.  Being an asshole is a very politically correct condition, it is independent of race, sex, gender or faith; every group has them but to paint any group with the perception of a few bad apples is called discrimination.  Judge the person, not the people.


So… Where to from Here?

Honestly, I don’t have a clue and I wish I knew but usually the first thing to do is talk about a problem, start a dialogue and make it aware because men tend not to talk about these things.  It’s always just business as usual but there are a lot of guys out there, frustrated and hurt.  We are human too and like I said in the opening of this post, I know females have a lot of challenges and this is not an attempt to undermine them or say, ‘we’ve got it harder than you,’ but each sex is different, we each have our own unique hurdles and societal pressures.  Please understand we don’t have a free-pass through life and not everything is easier, it’s just different.  We have feelings, we have fears, we have insecurities and we are human.


Peace,
epi <3

[Remiel]

Heya, epitech!  I just wanted to say that I like what you've written here.  I think it's about damn time that someone started a dialogue about some of the subjects you brought up. 

Having had a frustrating experience with a dating site for a couple of months now, I especially can relate to "Living with the Legacy of Every Other Dumb Guy."    To me, it seems that a lot of women out there have become so jaded after being approached or hit on by asshole after asshole that they have become extremely reluctant to give a guy a chance.   I'm sure that every woman has some kind of horror story: from being cornered by a sleazebag in bar who doesn't understand the meaning of the word "no," to being sent dick pics, to being propositioned with "you're pretty, why don't we go to my place and fuck?"   I don't understand why these guys take such a troglodyte approach (really, does it ever actually work?), but I honestly feel like they've ruined it for me and every other sincere, genuine man out there.  Thanks a fucking lot, assholes.

Anyway, Keep up the good work!

[Mintprincess]

thank you for sharing.  I'm replying to mark it in my recent posts and I'll follow along.  While I'm no male, I do believe that we shouldn't teach our young male kids to repress their emotions.  It's natural I would say from society because I do tend to hold my eldest boy a little like that without realizing it, but it is something I conciously work on. 

On the positive side, studies show fathers are spending more time with their kids than prior generations and more fathers are taking taking an avid interest in care taking.  And while your blog is on men, I also add that girls with involved fathers do better in math and science and have more confidence as well.  I think men being more involved with their children from the emotional care taking side can open up emotions better and allow the family unit to share more freely rather than feeling role defined (ala the 50s)

Anyway. Stuck in my phone so that's all I can handle typing right now.

[epitech]

Thank you for sharing Mint and Remiel

Mint, I don't think it's a conscious or malicious thing as I sometimes catch myself doing the same thing.  It's something that seems ingrained within society itself and it's hard to change a long upheld belief.

I found it really hard at work the other day when a few of the Ladies were laughing and chuckling for almost half an hour when talking about one of their husbands.  His daughter was about ready to leave the nest and he was really upset, crying about it and not sleeping for a night.  Both incredibly nice people but the rigid belief of what a man is seemed to draw quite a condescending tone.  The way I see it, the poor guy is just going to really miss his daughter.

[Mintprincess]

If my husband cried about our daughter leaving the nest (which is maybe only 8 years away!) I would be TOUCHED.   I LOVE that he and my daughter are closed.  Hell, I want him to be close to all the kids and he is.  Like, I think that's terrible that you wouldn't be proud of a father who had built such a close bond with his children that it was painful to have them leave the nest, even if we also know as parents it's an important step in life.   

[Giantmutantcrab]

I am a man and I cry when I need to.

There is no shame in that.

[Outlaw Fallen]

I wanted to reply to this because... well, you are right on so many levels, for starters. I know I'm echoing Remiel's appreciation for your words, but I am also very glad to see someone start to address the other side of this 'demonize a certain demographic' era. I appreciate the time you took to put your perspective and feelings down in a way that is respectful and easy for the other sex and non-binary genders to understand. Most people (like Outlaw) only sit and think about doing these things like starting a meaningful blog, but don't actually do it. Kudos!

I'm a little pressed for time, but I do want to come back to this and hope you keep blogging, epi. I'd love to share thoughts and stories one day. Please keep writing!

[Twisted Crow]

The perfect rejection for me would be something like a polite, “Heya, I’m not interested but thank you.”  Women don’t have to accept anyone, but please understand that unless the guy is blatantly an asshole, there are feelings behind that inconvenient, random person and while there are prominent assholes out there (they seem to like to make this known) it could just be a guy who spent the past 2-3 hours, working up his nerves to walk across the room to say “Hello.”

Seriously... This. ^

[Remiel]

Agreed.  Once I met a young woman at a gaming group with whom I seemed to hit it off.   That night, I sent her a message saying I enjoyed her company, and would she like to get a drink sometime?

She replied saying that she was flattered, but wasn't looking for a relationship.  I was 100% fine with that, and even thanked her for her honesty.   We went our separate ways, and I have no ill feelings toward her whatsoever.

Ladies, you can be honest with us while still being polite.  Most of us are big boys, and can take it.

[Remiel]

I forgot to add: it's much preferable to the alternative where you demur and give subtle, noncommittal answers, hoping we'll pick up the hint and go away.  Guys, in general, are not very good at subtle.

[Outlaw Fallen]

^A universal rule of truth

[Reno]

Guys, in general, are not very good at subtle.

Hell, no one's good at detecting subtlety. That's why it's subtlety.  The false positive rate is going to be huge, whichever way one errs.

[Arianna]

She replied saying that she was flattered, but wasn't looking for a relationship.  I was 100% fine with that, and even thanked her for her honesty.   We went our separate ways, and I have no ill feelings toward her whatsoever.

Ladies, you can be honest with us while still being polite.  Most of us are big boys, and can take it.

I love this.

I agree, women should act more mature when it comes to saying no. It is interesting though, why we don't always do it.

I have taken this approach a few times when I was married and still quite young and naive yet respectful towards people in general.
The answers I got though, ranged from a simple "It was worth trying, let me know if things change" and never hearing from the guy, to (more often) being given a rude reply like "who the f*** do you think you are?" or even worse, getting a plain "okay" to my face, then hearing all sorts of ugly things being told behind my back about what a stuck up bitch I am.

It was later on that I have become somewhat scared of being honest, and ended up playing along until he would lose interest.

I know not all men are like that, and it sucks, because you all deserve to be treated individually, and I am not writing this to excuse my gender... we all like to believe we are not part of any stereotype, just like I rather think I am not the typical woman.

I think if people would just be more honest and willing to communicate, this would not be such eean issue. But alas, we are all flesh and bones *sigh*.

[Remiel]

Yeah, no doubt, there are some guys who are so wrapped up in their own ego that they simply cannot fathom why any woman would reject them.  Doesn't matter if she's already in a relationship, married, or even a lesbian.

Those are the guys that ruin it for everyone.

Ugh.

[Twisted Crow]

I feel that it is simply easier to compartmentalize behavior than analyze it on its own agent. I don't believe that it is inherently right or wrong, but I would think context dictates. 

[Hunter]

As far as I can tell the image of Maid Marian as a sword swinging, bow shooting, horseback riding, bad ass, whom is also quite capable of managing the estate seems to be the historically accurate one.  The idea that fair means weak seems to be a recent one, and not one that fits into the historical matrix as far as I've been able to discover.

It is my opinion that the concept of the "macho man" actually has roots in tribal behavior, where the men of the tribe where the ones to took on the more dangerous jobs.  It's still happening in part of Africa today, where the men of the tribe are the one who stay up at night to fight off (and sometimes die) against lion attacks...and to face them irregardless of fear.    It's not a matter of being tougher (if anyone thinks that child bearing is easy, needs to re-evaluate) or stronger...it has to do with the need to protect the next generation.   And yes, guys, we're more expendable.

More on topic:
Relationships would be far easier if we could read each other's minds, or at least feelings.  We're a bunch of selfish bastards who tend to put ourselves before others and constantly lie to ourselves about our environment.   I've once heard is said that memories don't really accurately reflect events but rather our interpretation of them.    Which brings me to one of my universal truths (and Einstein was more right than most people realize):

Perception equals reality.

[Oreo]

I don't know how I missed this. It is important for men to embrace their emotions, they are part of being human. Sometimes it isn't just males that suffer from the issues mentioned. I have a terrible time crying. If it is from pain (emotional or physical) I cannot do it in front of another person. I have to go hide. I have no idea why this is, other than a vague memory of hearing..."I'll give you something to cry about." Happy tears? I am fine.

I'll be the first to admit that talking to strangers is tough, but it does get easier with practice. The jitters may not get easier, but controlling the impulse to stay seated gets easier to ignore. Generally people like to feel included, even if you simply walk around and greet everyone, or anyone that looks as uncomfortable as you feel you will find they are happy to have been approached.

My second husband amazed me with his ability to talk to anyone. I used to wonder how he did it (since I was a complete and utter wallflower to the core.) Then I realized he just 'did it'. He didn't single out pretty girls, or any particular type of woman. He included everyone. If a half toothed grandma was sitting in the corner he would ask for a dance. "Come on and get on your feet. Take a turn around the dance floor with me?" They would be smiling for the rest of the evening. Not to mention, guys, the ladies notice when gentlemen do things like that.

That's all for now. Mostly I wanted to follow the topic since it seems to be insightful. Thank you epitech for the post.

[elvenslave]

Hi there, there is a lot of truth in what you say epitech. But as a woman I can tell you, we get generalised a lot too, and fall victim to stereotypes. I can't even count the number of times I have been humiliatingly patronised by men when at a computer or games store. Just because it's not considered "girly enough", I shouldn't know what I want in these kind of places, so it should be ok that the (male of course) salesman tries to sell me worst sh** he has in store.

[RedRose]

That Elvenslave. Either sell you the worst, or the most expensive, and try to get your phone number.

I studied a "not girly" thing in uni for a year and on some days I was the only female I saw not only in the classroom but on the whole floor. Most guys were fine, though a minority managed to make it really hardcore ("jokes", leering). Teachers didn't expect much from me. Students took it personally when I had a better grade than they did. I was dating a boy who thought a shooting date would be cool to impress me, except I did better. He tried to save face claiming I "had" to go more often than he did, except nope I hadn't been in years. And then they complain women lack interest in non girly things!

That said, one can be in touch with one's emotions and choose not show some of them. I don't cry in public, as a preference. I much prefer being alone or ideally abstaining from it. It is probably a mix of culture (I see different types of reactions in different circles), family and personal.

[Outlaw Fallen]

That's awesome RedRose! It's always nice to see someone who breaks the mold and show someone that their narrow-minded view of a thing is flawed. I'll cop to misjudging females from time to time based on stereotypical assumptions, though it happens less and less the older I get. I used to date a girl who out-shot me at the range, but that was how we met. And she had an attitude about her that... is what I would expect of someone who was used to showing out boys on a gun range. When we met, there was a lot of trash-talking and, being confident in my abilities, I put my money where my mouth was. And she shot circles around me FANTASTICALLY, and me standing there with a dumbass look on my face. Now, after years of certifications and training, I still might be getting to where I shoot like her.

How I got that all-important first date? I can definitely say it was because my reaction to her making me eat my words was to simply tell her that whenever we started dating and I took her hunting, she didn't have an excuse to not bring home meat (there was a far more clever way of putting it that I can't recall now). Which got a laugh out of her, and I guess made her feel like I didn't belittle her skill because of her gender.

This is getting away from the point, which is... male or female, I think people could stand to judge each other far less, especially based on something so silly as societal norms for gender. Though, really, I think the world would be a far better place if those looking down their noses at others would, at any given point, STOP... and acknowledge that they are, in fact, doing so, and legitimately question the validity of such judgment. I think it's safe to say that all of it would fall short of any actual ground to stand on, providing the one judging has any self-actualization and maturity. But I know that is far too much to ask of many in this world.

So, a male cries... and? So, a male that never sheds a tear is a stay at home dad, cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids, and makes sure all the money goes to the right bills. Does any of this make him any less fit as an adult or parent or provider? Does it define him as a man? And, if that is so, what definition of a 'man' would you be using that is so cemented in its universally accepted foundation that you might be able to label him correctly? Unless his behavior directly affects your sphere of livelihood, that is negatively impacts your life, liberty, and your pursuit of happiness, I don't think you have the right to cast any ill words on his behavior one way or the other.

Male or female, we are all guilty of judging someone without walking a mile in their shoes at some point, and often it is in those random encounters that span perhaps a minute, but might have taken that guy some time to work up the nerve... just to suffer the humiliation of that minute and spend the rest of the evening regretting it.

As a (somewhat related) aside, there was an article written at some point about the Sexodus that I found incredibly intriguing. The phenomenon, itself, is not so much the focus for me, so much as the many points made as to what would cause such mass behavior. I don't know the validity of the writer, as I don't follow him, but the article was linked to me once, and I as a male found myself agreeing with parts of it, and disturbed by the implications of others. I would say, as I would with any piece of media in this age, to take it with a grain of salt.

http://www.breitbart.com/london/2014/12/04/the-sexodus-part-1-the-men-giving-up-on-women-and-checking-out-of-society/

[Twisted Crow]

Honestly... if a woman can beat me in video games, out-shoot me in pool or teach me a new way to write the scene in my mind? I find things like that attractive.

[Remiel]

Honestly... if a woman can beat me in video games, out-shoot me in pool or teach me a new way to write the scene in my mind? I find things like that attractive.

+1  Geekiness is hawt.

[Amelita]

This is a very good topic to open discussion about. (So late to the party, sorry!)

I don't know how the US stand in this, but over here we've had a bit of an awakening in the past few years. Stuff ranging from small campaigns to public figures opening up about it. Men and emotions, men as single fathers, men breaking gender roles with jobs (nurses, kindergarten teachers, etc), men and mental illness, men as victims of abuse, etc. These things are far from perfect, no more than gender stereotyping of women is, but it's at least not met with as much mockery or simply dismissed as it would have been a decade ago. Small steps, right? I hope these small steps are happening everywhere, not just here :)

Sensitivity and ‘Being a Man’

You are absolutely right.
Boys are taught by society as a whole that they should not show hurt, sadness or any other emotion that counts as "weak", while girls are taught that they should not show anger, frustration, or any other emotion that counts as "unfeminine".
Boys are given the impression that they need to conquer a girl (his job to approach her, his job to charm her or whatever), while girls are told "oh he just teases (assaults/embarrasses/humiliates) you because he likes you" and that they should just shrug it off. When they get older the girls are given the "don't let him treat you that way" while the guys are given "did you get laid yet?".
It's a counterproductive load of crap that thankfully decreases with each generation.

Being able to work through and express your emotions is a sign of strength of character. Gender is irrelevant in that.

Approaching Women

The main problem with all of this, is the assumption that a man needs to approach a woman for something to happen. It automatically means unwanted propositions of some kind in a majority of cases because if you think about it logically... Any given person is hardly interested in 50% of the other people in a club. If the person is unattached, they are maybe interested in one or two. Right? Odds are they aren't seriously interested in any of them. So if one gender is expected to sit and wait, and the other is expected to blindly go fish... Well it's just silly, isn't it?
If it were the norm that both genders were the ones to approach the other, it would be an equally awkward deal for all involved instead of making the ordeal a gender victimized circus. Poor guys who never catch a break. Poor girls who can't go out without receiving unwanted attention.

I say fuck the system >.>

Being Around Kids

Sad stuff. My husband and brother in law both worked at kindergartens. My dad was a grade school gym teacher. I know how this goes. Hubby and his brother have often talked about how they avoided changing diapers after child abuse signs and awareness of child molestation were brought up more in society. They were scared, frankly. Both of them are wonderful with kids and their presence at the kindergarten was a really good influence in an otherwise female dominated workplace. Because of course kids need both women and men around them as role models, teachers, guides and support.
Unfortunately, I think the paranoia about pedophilia that has swept across parts of the world in later years (for good reason, mind you) will keep making things difficult for men working with kids until it's not such a new openly expressed fear anymore but more a general awareness thing (like wearing a seatbelt in a car or a helmet on a bike). It's seriously unfair to all the men out there who have never and will never do anything of this kind to a child, but we live in a world where we're recently really realizing the magnitude of these crimes. The idea of a pedophile went from old-creepy-guy to could-be-whoever-normal-friendly-guy and it's terrifying. And we're talking about kids. So yeah, paranoia has been running high and will for some time.
I'm sorry guys. It sucks.

Living with the Legacy of Every Other Dumb Guy

Yeah as the girls pointed out, this goes both ways. Oh so much. Until people stop making mistakes and being jerks, this is going to keep happening xD



Good talk!

[RedRose]

I don't "look" like they would expect me to (I dress very feminine) so I do understand why some are so surprised. I've definitely met guys who didn't care if I did better than them, but some liked doing at least a bit better than me/girls.

[epitech]

Hi there, there is a lot of truth in what you say epitech. But as a woman I can tell you, we get generalised a lot too, and fall victim to stereotypes. I can't even count the number of times I have been humiliatingly patronised by men when at a computer or games store. Just because it's not considered "girly enough", I shouldn't know what I want in these kind of places, so it should be ok that the (male of course) salesman tries to sell me worst sh** he has in store.

Elven, put impolitely, those guys need to get their heads out of their asses because I definitely know a lot of Ladies who are more than able to hand my ass to me in various FPS games and paintball and I have mad respect for them!  It's happening slowly but eventually everyone is going to have to catch up with the times.

Sorry for the delayed response!  Life has been hitting hard lately.  Thank you everyone for this wonderful conversation, it fills me with hope for the future and everyone