Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)

[Chris Brady]

I want to say something.  I have a friend who also went through some domestic abuse.  Now, I was never there, or personally involved.  It took a lot of courage and strength to tell me, originally a total stranger about her experience.  She is one of the lucky ones, she stood up to her abuser and kicked him out, and she got out of it physically unscathed.  The risk she took doing that, especially given the things he did to her was immense; she could easily have been another dead victim.  But she's not, and I'm thankful she’s not, just as I'm thankful that all of you are physically unhurt as well.

However, one thing that stood out from her experience she related to me.  And this next bit was written with her help, to give an explanation of what she went through there:

At one point, after, she tried going to a Battered Woman’s Shelter for help.  This was the first place she turned to seeking for help thinking it would be a good idea after several friends convinced her to go. She wanted to get better, but as most of you have experienced, trust is very hard, especially after something so traumatic. She was sitting in a chair at a long table, nervous as could be. Normally, she is quite an outgoing person, will pick up conversations with people here on E or in IRC, will be the first one to raise her hand to go first so “first” is done. This time was different. She shared last. Everybody went around the table and shared their story. They skipped over her because she was still quite unsure what the hell she was doing there especially after hearing all the stories that have resulted in outcomes that are most unpleasant. Hearing the stories people had to tell, children were involved, marriage was involved so divorce was soon to follow. She was the only person there who chose to be there on her own accord, not told she HAD to be there by somebody else. As she heard the stories of the other women in the Shelter, she was given the impression that her experience wasn't as bad.  See, she wasn't married, she had no kids, no dependents that were affected by her abuser. Having a story where the outcome was pleasant, her story and life isn’t that bad and wasn't as badly affected like the others there that night. At the end of sharing her story, she was asked by one of the people leading the “meeting” “Why are you here?” Not exactly remembering the response that was given that night three years ago, she said something like “I don’t know. I guess I made a mistake.” She had. She went. She searched for help of healing, but yet the meeting just shut her down more and was very reluctant of searching for help elsewhere because she was given the impression that her situation wasn’t bad.

That is wrong.  The mental and emotional damage is just as strong and as bad.

What everyone here has gone through, no matter what the perosnal situation is, is terrible and horrific, and should not happen to anyone.  Ever.

And do not let anyone tell you that just because you got out, that what happened to you does not matter.  It does.  You are just as important as someone with kids, or will dependents, and don't believe otherwise.  You deserve resolution as much as anyone else.  No one should be made to feel less than important for any reason.

[Chris Brady]

Sorry for the double post, but if any of you ever get into a similar situation, with 'help', please don't be discouraged.  You DESERVE whatever help you seek out.  Again, you ARE important, and deserve happiness and resolution.  Keep trying.  Please.

[Kimbersqk]

Wow Chris. That is an intense story. If somebody searches for help and that particular place or situation does not "resolve" or improve what is happening in their lives, continue to search. That is very good advice. Continue to search for help. Do not give up hope. If you have lost all hope, what is there to live for? Life is so precious and can be taken away in an instant when you least expect it. Within my field of work, I have experienced many things and learned from everything. There are several situations that I have heard similar stories to the one Chris wrote. Imagining living in that life of unknown, hurt and fear could not be pleasant. Then, on top of that, somebody basically tell you "It isn't that bad," because they came out alive. Wow. The thing I can reiterate the most is, don't give up. You are worth it. You are here for a purpose. These kind of situations can only make you stronger.

[Shadowsmaiden]

I was reading through some of the stories in this blog and contemplated adding my own story to the mix. Unfortunately, it's taken me a day and a half to decide if I wanted to share my perspective on things because I am uncertain if it would help add to making a difference. But I have ultimately decided that I want to join Seren and Shooter6806 in encouraging victims to go forward, so perhaps my story may inspire a little strength and courage in someone out there.

---

My mother was prone to abusive relationships all through my childhood. She would argue with my father and often suffered mental and emotional abuse through him when things didn't go his way because he was a bit of a control freak. He would tell her what to eat and when, how she should dress and act, when to speak and when not to and never bothered to give her a helping hand with things when she was pregnant with me. Their relationship continued after I was born and he denied that I was his child right from the start, accused my mother of sleeping around when he knew that she hadn't been with anyone besides him and even went so far as to try and sell her to his friends. She worked up the courage to get rid of him when I was four years old, but it took him kissing me in a manner that a man should NOT kiss a child to make her do so. He was never allowed back into our lives and she went so far as to go and live with family in a completely different part of our city so hat he wouldn't find us.

Things were quiet for a couple of years. She met a man around six months after leaving my father and the two of them ended up 'seeing each other' without being in a relationship. He was nice enough and seemed genuine with his feelings for my mother, then became the father of my younger brother when I was six years old. Things fell apart between them after that. He started drinking and would not visit my brother unless he was drunk and it was some god horrible hour of the night (2am or something). He would rant and rave.... Even told a Chihuahua once that he loved it and called it by my mothers name.  But he never once hit any of us. He was probably the decent one of the bunch. They ended up ceasing all contact with the exception of arranging visitations with my brother and things went on moving with my mother as a single parent raising 2 children on her own.

Less than a year later, she was repeating the patten and ending up in another relationship all over again.  This one was the bad one... She was with this man for six years or so. He treated her like a queen and spoiled my brother and I rotten. You wouldn't think that lurking underneath that prince charming exterior.... there was a monster of the worst kind lurking.... He would go to the pub and drink... then come home completely drunk and argumentative. He would be ranting and raving, demanding my mother get naked and perform various sexual acts on him while both of us kids were still awake. She often refused of course... and that's when he would hit her. It started with just the occasional slap across the face... but would sometimes escalate to plates being broken and shattered, things being thrown... she would be covered in bruises by the end of it... and sometimes I would be as well because I refused him... Aside from the beatings, he was also sexually abusing me whenever my mother wasn't in the same room as us and because of being afraid.... I kept it to myself, became lost in my school work and simply forced myself to endure....

A child of seven... afraid for her mothers life and for the safety of her younger brother.... refused to be broken by that fear. It got to the point where I would place myself between him and my mother when they were arguing... I would demand that it stop. I would scream and cry and shout at him not to hit her... ordering him... The first time this happened, we were in the kitchen and he ended up pushing me backwards so that I slipped and fell. My lower back hit the corner of our kitchen stove and my spin was jarred mildly... I've had a slight curve in my spine that shouldn't be there ever since...

Oh... the police were called on this man multiple times... but my mother was scared and would never press charges... they would take him and lock him up, then let him come back the next day and things would resume again.

I was 12 years old by the time all of it came to an end... I'd been living with my grandmother for three years, after she took me in when she realized that I was under far too much stress for a child of my age. I was isolated from the rest of the world... would avoid people as much as I could and kept to myself for the better part of everything... A huge part of that might be the sexual abuse as well, but I have long-since come to terms with that part of my life and have learned to accept that it wasn't my fault. As for the domestic side of things... well... last I heard... The police had him locked away and serving time for the next 20 years. I'm not quite sure why for so long, but that doesn't bother me as long as this sucker is off the street. They weren't able to charge him for the sexual abuse because by the time I came forward... the only evidence they had was that I was 12 years old and not a virgin... so it wasn't enough grounds for charges based mostly on here-say.
---

What I am trying to accomplish by sharing my story is... that if a child so young can be strong enough to stand up to the person abusing them... the person abusing their loved ones as well...Doesn't it stand to reason that someone else should be able to? I'm not saying to stand up and do something irrational... but speak up... tell them to stop... make it known that you won't stand for it and if it means turning to the authorities or to loved ones for help, DO IT!. No one should have to go through what my mother went through, or what I grew up with.

I'll be honest... I have no understanding of how one human being could ever harm another. It just doesn't sit well with me.

[Shadowsmaiden]

I am happy to report that I am now 20 years old, living in my own house with the most wonderful fiancée' and we have a daughter of our own who is one week off being 9months old.

Despite everything I grew up with... I like to think myself stronger for it... and have also learned to come to terms with the past. ^_^

[Miss Lilly]

Is there such a thing as low level abuse? I'm thinking more along the lines of emotional or social abuse rather than physical.

[Oreo]

Is there such a thing as low level abuse? I'm thinking more along the lines of emotional or social abuse rather than physical.

I wasn't going to say anything here since I have only been slapped twice, never hit. Been spit on and had water thrown on me for not waking up in the middle of the night to make a snack. I had been exhausted from work and never heard the alarm.

But, in answer to your question - Absolutely! I endured 12 years of verbal abuse. Night after night a minimum of two hours of degradation. I knew it was because he was insecure, and bringing me down was his way of raising his own self esteme. However, after continually trying to prove I could do better it eventually wore me down to a complete despondent state. For the last two years of his life I refused to cry or laugh since either reaction would earn more verbal lectures on what a pitiful person I was. When you hear something enough you begin to believe it. He totally broke my self worth even though I was the bread winner for the family, and kept the house and yard spotless.

He would also do threatening things like sharpening his hunting knife during his lectures, or playing mumbely-peg (tossing the blade into the carpet between us). It wasn't until his death from a heart attack that I realized how much abuse I had actually suffered.

This is a subtle, aggressive violence of the mind. Get Out!!!

[Mithlomwen]

*hugs for everyone* 

I saw this today and it seemed relevant to this thread.  Patrick Stewart is a world famous actor in both film and stage (and happens to be one of my all time favorites).  It just goes to show you that abuse can be found everywhere.  I realize that this message is directed toward violence against women, I just ask that folks remember that abuse happens to everyone.

“Our house was small, and when you grow up with domestic violence in a confined space you learn to gauge, very precisely, the temperature of situations. I knew exactly when the shouting was done and a hand was about to be raised – I also knew exactly when to insert a small body between the fist and her face, a skill no child should ever have to learn. Curiously, I never felt fear for myself and he never struck me, an odd moral imposition that would not allow him to strike a child. The situation was barely tolerable: I witnessed terrible things, which I knew were wrong, but there was nowhere to go for help. Worse, there were those who condoned the abuse. I heard police or ambulance men, standing in our house, say, “She must have provoked him,” or, “Mrs Stewart, it takes two to make a fight.” They had no idea. The truth is my mother did nothing to deserve the violence she endured. She did not provoke my father, and even if she had, violence is an unacceptable way of dealing with conflict. Violence is a choice a man makes and he alone is responsible for it.”  -- Patrick Stewart

[Miss Lilly]

Oh, my.  That brought a tear to my eye, Mith.

[Shadowsmaiden]

It's worse than I could have imagined... Things were not quite as peachy as I made out in one of my previous posts, but they were stable to some degree until Monday...

I have left my partner.. and took my daughter with me. He is drunk almost every few days and we end up arguing over things that should really be trivial or inconsequential such as the raising of our daughter, or factors of our relationship like the sex that is involved.

Anyway, he was drunk Monday night and became so aggressive that I thought he was going to hit me in front of my daughter. We were arguing again as we do most of the time and I had been in the bedroom playing with her on the floor when it started. We exchanged words, he accused me of trying to kill her because she rolled over and hit her head on the  carpet (as babies do) and then went on to ramble and shout about various other issues in our relationship that are personal (I don't really want to go into detail with them.).

It got to the point where I was agitated enough to just want him to leave me alone and I asked him to, but he refused and decided to sit in the lounge room and move from the couch to the floor periodically while he watched every little detail of what I did when I continued to play with my daughter. I was fed up... he was back in my face half an hour later and wouldn't leave me alone... I blatantly yelled at him to fuck off and grabbed a plastic back filled with the essentials for my daughter (nappies, outfits, etc) and took off down to the local police station at 1am.

They took a statement and allowed me to remain there until I calmed completely down. I was offered a personal violence order, but also advised that it wouldn't stand up for long in court because he hadn't actually become physically violent towards me. Because he was drunk and I had no where else to go with my daughter at the time, two uniformed police escorted him to his mothers place and I was told to return to the house and contact a family member if I was concerned for my safety to see if I could go and stay with them for a while. I was adamant that I wanted to leave him and out of fear for the safety of both myself and my daughter, I fled back to my old home-town and I'm currently living with a cousin and her partner who have a 2 year old daughter of their own.

I am set to discuss the matter with the courts and also with a solicitor on Wednesday to see about having a court order put in place regarding custody of my daughter and while I am willing to allow him access to see her, I would prefer to retain the majority of parental control because I do not feel that he is capable of being a father to her as long as he continues being drunk all the time.

---

During the course of our relationship, he was also abusing me by means of controlling every little aspect of my life. He would keep my identification and bank cards in his wallet so that I would have no means to access my money or anything else unless he permitted it. He would watch me like a hawk when it came to my daughter and was always the one who made the decisions regarding her,  always forcing his views on me if I tried to argue. An old best friend of mine (we don't speak any more) is an ex of his and she mentioned before we stopped talking that he'd hit her before as well.... I'm not overly certain how true that accusation might be, but it is quite clear to me that he would be capable of it.

I did what I thought was best for my daughter... As advised by police, I have kept a line of communication open between the two of us to be sure that he knows she's doing okay and such. He wants to mediate with regards to the care for her... but I am too concerned that he might try to physically remove her without a court order or anything and I am told that if he does, there will be nothing that I can do because his parental rights to her still stand at this point in time.

[shooter6806]

Several people have written posts here describing severe mental and emotional abuse that did not involve physical or sexual violence.  While physical abuse often has its roots in mental or emotional attacks, it is equally likely that such assaults constitute the major problem in a relationship.  And therein lies the rub, for me as a first responder.  Your significant other has been treating you like dirt, rubbing your face in your supposed flaws, embarrassing you in front of friends and family, and generally making you feel as though you were worthless.  He or she may have threatened you, insulted you, belittled you, and exploited any weakness in your psyche that they knew about to reduce you to victimhood that they could exploit.

And they haven’t committed any crime. 

So when you are reduced to tears and call the police, there is literally nothing I can do. 

I can and almost always do urge you to leave.  I tell you that it’s not worth it, that being alone is better than staying in a situation where you are subject to abuse like this.  I tell you that you’re worth more than this, and that you can find someone who will treat you nicely rather than abusing you.

And you almost never leave.

If you’re lucky (relative term) something happens to cause you to make the break.  Maybe he/she escalates to physical violence and gets arrested.  Maybe you meet someone who convinces you to leave.  It’s always painful, and sometimes deadly.  If you’re not lucky, you stay in the situation for years.  You are treated like dirt, insulted, called names, made to feel as if you are not worth the dirt under your feet.  And you put up with it.  You smile to your co-workers and friends, while underneath you are dying a little bit every day.

You’re not alone.  And you’re not to blame. 

So what do you do?  Support groups can help, but as at least one member has related, they are often geared toward victims of physical violence, and aren’t able to effectively deal with the very real but less-visible problems of emotional abuse.  The police, as I’ve said, are limited in what they can do.  If no crime has been committed, they are powerless to intervene. 

This is where friends, family, and co-workers need to step up and help.  And their job is very simple.  They need to convince you to get out.  Can an abuser reform him- or herself and be able to have a stable relationship?  Yes.  Will they do it by themselves?  Never.  You have to get out and force them to confront their problem.  You, the suffering victim, have to force them to face what they are doing and make them acknowledge that it is wrong.  If they can’t or won’t do this, you need to cut the ties permanently. 

Yes, I know.  That means divorce, child custody battles, property issues, and all the other negatives that come with breaking up an established relationship. 

But at least you’ll be alive.  And you’ll be able to think about the future with something other than fear.

Please don’t think that just because you haven’t been hit or kicked or choked, you’re not a victim.  If you are being emotionally or mentally abused, you are every bit as much a victim as the ladies who have posted their stories of abuse here. 

Again, I want to thank those members of Elliquiy that have shared their stories with us.  Seren, Wyatt, and I are always available to anyone via PM if you need help.  We’ll try to point you in the right direction. 

[shooter6806]

Short Title:  When Friends Aren’t.

You are the victim of domestic violence.  You have been abused, maybe for years, and you’ve stayed silent about it.  You’ve explained away the bruises, the scars, the tears and the pain.  You’ve posed for pictures with the person who abuses you and you smiled while you did it. 

And then suddenly, something happened.  Maybe someone found out and called the police.  Maybe you finally couldn’t take it any more.  Whatever the reason, now the abuse is out in the open.  Maybe you filed charges, maybe you didn’t.  But you have made the decision.  The relationship is over.  You want out.  You go to your friends, the ones who you’ve been with for years, and you tell them your story.  You expect support.  You expect them to applaud your decision to finally stand up for yourself and not be abused any more.

They don’t.

Instead, you hear things like, “How could you file charges against him/her?”  “I can’t believe he/she would do that to you.”  “You must have deserved it.”

And you thought that they were your friends.

You were wrong.

It might even be family members doing this.  Siblings, especially if they had befriended your significant other and had an ongoing relationship with them.  Even parents, given the right (or wrong) history and predisposition, could blame you for your own abuse.

Yes, they may just be clueless and not know how to deal with the situation.  They may be shocked that the person they thought they knew was capable of inflicting such pain on someone they professed to love.  But all too often, it seems, they actually may side with the abuser, blaming the victim for the abuse and making a bad situation infinitely worse.

Your solution?  You won’t like it.  Find new friends.  Period.

Anyone who blames you for the abuse that you suffered is not your friend.  They are an active obstacle to your getting past the pain and finding a real peace.  That goes double for family members.  The best option for you is to cut them out of your life, at least until your immediate situation is resolved and you have made yourself safe from abuse.

Fortunately, most people are not so short-sighted, and most friends will be supportive and helpful.  But if you encounter “friends” who blame you for your abuse and urge you to just put up with it and stay in an abusive relationship, you need to cut your ties with them and look out for yourself. 

You are worth it.  And a real friend wouldn’t tolerate their friend being abused.

[Kimbersqk]

You are right Shooter. Your true friends would say "Oh my god. Change the locks. Do you have money to change them? We can send them via mail express and you get them in 2 days." I just laughed and said I had already got it taken care of. That is what true friends are. They look out for you and they love you for who you are.

Then you have the friend that argued with you. He had fed her so many lies and she believed them. I was smart and fought back, verbal words to try and make her understand that he was a load of nothing. I told her some things that he told me about her. She said that was an absolute lie. I knew that. It proved my point of, LOOK! He is a liar and had so many people fooled. After our not shouting match but our whatever you want to call it, she understood. Then she apologized. Even friends are sometimes steered in the wrong direction and will not believe you at the beginning. Maybe doing something that I did will help, maybe it won't. It did help me. Helped me use his own lies against him to help me clear up a friendship that I had had for 6 years, my roommate in college of 3 years.

Maybe this little story will help somebody else look at a different strategy to help "convince" their friends that they are right and the pig isn't.

[Mithlomwen]

Here's an informative video. 

http://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave.html?source=facebook#.UQW7gk9cqDx.facebook

[MissRoziel]

I don't know if My story counts,  Probably because even now two years later part of me wonder if what happened really was abuse and not just me being autistic and not understanding.

I was in an internet relationship of five years, It started out really nice, we had a lot in common we role played a lot he would comment on how creative I was and I'd applaud his new story lines,  we encouraged each other., I'm not really sure when it started but things started happening,  he'd make comment that kind of hurt my feelings,  But I suffer aspergers,  I have difficulty with understanding things like Humor, Sarcasm, even metaphors,  Because my brain is wired to be very literal minded.  Because of this often times I'd just amount my feelings to my own fault for not understanding the joke or just not seeing the sarcasm,  hey if it's written down how can you tell right?  and it's easy to tack on a LOL at the end to make it seem ok.

Things progressively got worse to the point my parents and friends where noticing.  He had ways of, chipping away ate me,  I'm a night owl and find I'm more active and aware at night, but I was also juggling school and work by this time so I'd need to go to bed so I had enough sleep, but he'd pick fights he'd tell me I just wanted to sleep to avoid him he'd tell me I was awful for leaving him,  even though I would wait until 2 in the morning for him to log on, I was a bad girlfriend because he failed his test because he stayed up late to talk to me. 

My job was already taking a very heavy toll on me mentally, In the states there really isn't a mental health option, as I'm sure you in the states are aware you get a choice be a good tax payer and do your job or we lock you in a care facility,  theres no, lets help you, theres no,  we'll offer you medical aide (one of the greatest things of moving to England is I can finally be fully open about the things happening in my mind with out fear of being locked up) I was being forced into situation that where causing almost daily breakdown, but when I sought out his support he always made it out to be my fault, I was to stupid for understanding,  Aspergers just meant I was retarded, and the like,  I'd get upset but then he'd turn around,  I was so creative he loved me so much he bought a ring (that ring Oh man how many times did he mention that damn ring)

I'd convince myself he was right it was my fault for being aspergers and not understanding.

He started getting more,  I don't want to say aggressive but what he would say to me would get meaner and meaner, I bought I webcam at his insistence with his promise he'd buy one to (he never did)  but then it was new complaints, My breasts where to big, why couldn't I lose weight,  He noticed I read romance novel he'd say they where trash and I was awful for comparing hm to the men in the books, though I never did.  He complained about my hair about my cloths about my room, and every so often when I started getting fed up he'd drop a bomb,  who was I kidding, I had to stay with him,  He was the only one who'd ever love me the way I was,  I'd break down I had no idea what to do, life was becoming this steady long rut a drag  he was getting nastier work was getting harder, by this time My parents where finalizing their divorce,  they'd been separated two years,  the initial separation came as a shock,  My dad just decided one day he didn't want us any more.  six month later he told me and my brother he was moving out.

When I told My ex,  his first response was defending my dad,  I wanted comfort because my dad was leaving us and I was sad and all he could say was it was my dads right to leave us if he was unhappy, we should have been better for him.  a couple months of stringing my mom along with promises that he might come back, my dad cut the cord and told her he never planned to come back, and she made and attempt on her life.  It was a miracle my little brother was home sick from school he herd her fall and called for help.  Needless to say stress was a constant,  and he never let up on me, there was very little comfort offered but I was so starved for anything by that point that the little scraps of affection he did offer had me singing his praises.

things never got better up until the day I told him we where moving to England,  his first reaction was that I was selfish for leaving,  everything was my fault everything,  he'd failed his exams, he wasn't getting into med school like he wanted and I was the problem, he wasted his time talking to me,  he was to busy 'worrying' about me to study or do his class work, he was to busy chatting to focus during his study groups.  it was around this time he'd also started rubbing other girls in my face,  He lived near a casino city and would tell me about the showgirls and the sexy women there,  he'd tell me to wait for him, and I would dutifully because he got mad if I wasn't there right when he logged on, but 6 o'clock in the morning he'd roll online 'sorry went to casinos with friends forgot'  I did that once, and he tore me down so bad I considered self harm (only considered cause I'm a wuss and can't stand pain so I'd never actually do it.)

So I told him we where moving, and I told him I wanted his unbiased opinion,  what did he want between us, he said he wanted what was best and hat was that,  it was just kinf of over, but after then he kept talking to me, and I'm a sucker and well stupid,  I kept talking to him, he got really nice again for a while but then thing went down hill, complaints about the posts I was writing how I didn't give him the work and effort he deserved, I Mentioned a friend wasn't getting very good stuff from me either because I was sick and just couldn't focus and he went totally off on me for giving her my time and attention instead of him.  but then he'd go back 'oh but we're friends' 'oh but I want to talk to you'

in the last two years he's messaged me periodically to be 'friends' and then proceeds to guilt me with everything that's going wrong in his life

So maybe this really dosen't count but during the relationship and now afterwards My mother who is always very helpful and my friends all said it was bad for me he was bad for me, but there are these times,  especially when I'm feeling really lonely and aware of just how alone I am and I hear him saying how no one will ever love me but him, what if he was right?  what if I am the one who messed everything up because of my disabilities and not being good enough,  what if I'm just going to always be alone now?

It must really sounds stupid but, I guess I thoughts I'd share,  an experience from the mentally handicapped.

[Blitzy]

I should be asleep right now. I just got home from a 12 hour shift but I read this and I... just can't not respond.

I am a 911/police/fire dispatcher as well. And, at this moment, I have a card sitting in my dispatch center for Tampa PD reference one of their dispatchers being murdered by her ex. http://www2.tbo.com/news/news/2013/jan/24/6/apparent-murder-suicide-in-town-n-country-under-in-ar-615422/ So this hits home pretty strongly.

Bad, bad things can happen in domestic violence situations. It may not happen all at once, but it can.

Thank you, Seren and Shooter for making this thread. For putting it out there, right in everyone's face, and maybe saving someone's life.

[marauder13]

Seren, Shooter and those other brave souls who've shared,

Thank you for speaking openly about this matter. I am one of the fortunate few who has not grown up in an abusive environment, nor have I been abused.

I am a married father of two young boys, neither have reached double digit ages yet. While dating, my wife and I spoke of what to do if things ever went bad. Not that I ever thought it would, but when your loved one has a diagnosed mental health illness, it is easy to understand how quickly things could change, or how easy it is to loose control.

I know for a fact that I have a temper. I am also a naturally large man, with a fair amount of strength. So, I monitor myself so tightly that if I feel myself loosing it, I'm out of the situation without a word said. No hesitations, delays or rationalizations. Bang - gone. Been called a coward more than once because if it too.

Why do that? Because I am shit scared of doing to someone the kind of things that have been written here. I can proudly say, since turning an adult nearly 30 years ago, I have never once laid a hand on someone in anger, not matter how much they have pissed me off. That is one of the few things I am proud of.

I hope that those of you who have gotten out of those abusive relationships, and have had the courage to speak up about them feel proud for doing that - speaking up. I can't think of anything harder to do than to recall those terrifying events while trying to help someone else. All of you have my utmost respect for being able to do it. Further, I pray that these words, be it here, or elsewhere, make a positive impact on at least one person who will get themselves out early enough not to suffer too greatly. It would be even better if it made someone seek help before they became abusive.

Finally, to those who have experienced it, or know someone who has, my deepest thoughts and well wishes go out to you for your continued peace, well being and happiness in your new phase of your lives.


M13.

P.S. Shooter, you are a hero, mate. Because a hero is someone who gets up and does something to help someone in a time of great need. Who knows what might have happened to Seren if you didn't act. You may not think you're hero, but it is obvious others think so. Plus, you've shown that just because you're not there or close handy, you can still help and made a positive difference.

[Oniya]

Marauder, I just want to say that someone who does that - who recognizes the problem and takes the safety of others ahead of his (or her) own ego - is far braver than the ones who toss out the word 'coward' because someone else doesn't want to beat them to a pulp.

[shooter6806]

Just to reinforce what has been said by me and others, this data is from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  It pretty much speaks for itself.  This data is just from the US, and is 5 years old.  Other nations probably have similar and in some cases greater problems with this issue.  This is not something to keep quiet about. 

Get help.  Please.

One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.(1)
An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.(2)
85% of domestic violence victims are women.(3)
Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew.(4)
Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.(5)
Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.(6)

Witnessing violence between one’s parents or caretakers is the strongest risk factor of transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next.(7)
Boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults.(8)
30% to 60% of perpetrators of intimate partner violence also abuse children in the household.(9)

Almost one-third of female homicide victims that are reported in police records are killed by an intimate partner.(14)
In 70-80% of intimate partner homicides, no matter which partner was killed, the man physically abused the woman before the murder.(12)
Less than one-fifth of victims reporting an injury from intimate partner violence sought medical treatment following the injury.(15)
Intimate partner violence results in more than 18.5 million mental health care visits each year.

One in 6 women and 1 in 33 men have experienced an attempted or completed rape.(10)
Nearly 7.8 million women have been raped by an intimate partner at some point in their lives.(11)
Sexual assault or forced sex occurs in approximately 40-45% of battering relationships.(12)
1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men have been stalked in their lifetime.(13)
81% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also physically assaulted by that partner; 31% are also sexually assaulted by that partner.

The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $5.8 billion each year, $4.1 billion of which is for direct medical and mental health services.(17)

Victims of intimate partner violence lost almost 8 million days of paid work because of the violence perpetrated against them by current or former husbands, boyfriends and dates. This loss is the equivalent of more than 32,000 full-time jobs and almost 5.6 million days of household productivity as a result of violence.(17)

There are 16,800 homicides and $2.2 million (medically treated) injuries due to intimate partner violence annually, which costs $37 billion.(18)

REPORTING RATES
Domestic violence is one of the most chronically underreported crimes.(20)
Only approximately one-quarter of all physical assaults, one-fifth of all rapes, and one-half of all stalkings perpetuated against females by intimate partners are reported to the police.(1)

Approximately 20% of the 1.5 million people who experience intimate partner violence annually obtain civil protection orders.(1)
Approximately one-half of the orders obtained by women against intimate partners who physically assaulted them were violated.(1)
More than two-thirds of the restraining orders against intimate partners who raped or stalked the victim were violated.

SOURCES 7/07
1 Tjaden, Patricia & Thoennes, Nancy. National Institute of Justice and the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention, “Extent, Nature and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey,” (2000).
2 Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United States. 2003. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Centers for Injury Prevention and Control. Atlanta, GA.
3 Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003.
4 U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, “Criminal Victimization, 2005,” September 2006.
5 U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, “Intimate Partner Violence in the United States,” December 2006.
6 Frieze, I.H., Browne, A. (1989) Violence in Marriage. In L.E. Ohlin & M. H. Tonry (eds.) Family Violence. Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press.
7 Break the Cycle. (2006). Startling Statistics. http://www.breakthecycle.org/html%20files/I_4a_startstatis.htm.
8 Strauss, Gelles, and Smith, “Physical Violence in American Families: Risk Factors and Adaptations to Violence” in 8,145 Families. Transaction Publishers (1990).
9 Edelson, J.L. (1999). “The Overlap Between Child Maltreatment and Woman Battering.” Violence Against Women. 5:134-154.
10 U.S. Department of Justice, “Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women,” November 1998.
11 Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United States. 2003. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Centers for Injury Prevention and Control. Atlanta, GA.
12 Campbell, et al. (2003). “Assessing Risk Factors for Intimate Partner Homicide.” Intimate Partner Homicide, NIJ Journal, 250, 14-19. Washington, D.C.: National Institute of Justice, U.S. Department of Justice.
13 Tjaden, Patricia & Thoennes, Nancy. (1998). “Stalking in America.” National Institute for Justice.
14 Federal Bureau of Investigation, Uniform Crime Reports “Crime in the United States, 2000,” (2001).
15 U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, “Intimate Partner Violence in the United States,” December 2006.
16 Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United States. 2003. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Centers for Injury Prevention and Control. Atlanta, GA.
Tjaden, Patricia & Thoennes, Nancy.
17 Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United States. 2003. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Centers for Injury Prevention and Control. Atlanta, GA.
18 The Cost of Violence in the United States. 2007. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Centers for Injury Prevention and Control. Atlanta, GA.
19 U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, “Family Violence Statistics,” June 2005.
20 U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, “Criminal Victimization,” 2003.
For more information, please visit our website at www.ncadv.org.

[Rogue]

Your story

I don't know if My story counts,  Probably because even now two years later part of me wonder if what happened really was abuse and not just me being autistic and not understanding.

I was in an internet relationship of five years, It started out really nice, we had a lot in common we role played a lot he would comment on how creative I was and I'd applaud his new story lines,  we encouraged each other., I'm not really sure when it started but things started happening,  he'd make comment that kind of hurt my feelings,  But I suffer aspergers,  I have difficulty with understanding things like Humor, Sarcasm, even metaphors,  Because my brain is wired to be very literal minded.  Because of this often times I'd just amount my feelings to my own fault for not understanding the joke or just not seeing the sarcasm,  hey if it's written down how can you tell right?  and it's easy to tack on a LOL at the end to make it seem ok.

Things progressively got worse to the point my parents and friends where noticing.  He had ways of, chipping away ate me,  I'm a night owl and find I'm more active and aware at night, but I was also juggling school and work by this time so I'd need to go to bed so I had enough sleep, but he'd pick fights he'd tell me I just wanted to sleep to avoid him he'd tell me I was awful for leaving him,  even though I would wait until 2 in the morning for him to log on, I was a bad girlfriend because he failed his test because he stayed up late to talk to me. 

My job was already taking a very heavy toll on me mentally, In the states there really isn't a mental health option, as I'm sure you in the states are aware you get a choice be a good tax payer and do your job or we lock you in a care facility,  theres no, lets help you, theres no,  we'll offer you medical aide (one of the greatest things of moving to England is I can finally be fully open about the things happening in my mind with out fear of being locked up) I was being forced into situation that where causing almost daily breakdown, but when I sought out his support he always made it out to be my fault, I was to stupid for understanding,  Aspergers just meant I was retarded, and the like,  I'd get upset but then he'd turn around,  I was so creative he loved me so much he bought a ring (that ring Oh man how many times did he mention that damn ring)

I'd convince myself he was right it was my fault for being aspergers and not understanding.

He started getting more,  I don't want to say aggressive but what he would say to me would get meaner and meaner, I bought I webcam at his insistence with his promise he'd buy one to (he never did)  but then it was new complaints, My breasts where to big, why couldn't I lose weight,  He noticed I read romance novel he'd say they where trash and I was awful for comparing hm to the men in the books, though I never did.  He complained about my hair about my cloths about my room, and every so often when I started getting fed up he'd drop a bomb,  who was I kidding, I had to stay with him,  He was the only one who'd ever love me the way I was,  I'd break down I had no idea what to do, life was becoming this steady long rut a drag  he was getting nastier work was getting harder, by this time My parents where finalizing their divorce,  they'd been separated two years,  the initial separation came as a shock,  My dad just decided one day he didn't want us any more.  six month later he told me and my brother he was moving out.

When I told My ex,  his first response was defending my dad,  I wanted comfort because my dad was leaving us and I was sad and all he could say was it was my dads right to leave us if he was unhappy, we should have been better for him.  a couple months of stringing my mom along with promises that he might come back, my dad cut the cord and told her he never planned to come back, and she made and attempt on her life.  It was a miracle my little brother was home sick from school he herd her fall and called for help.  Needless to say stress was a constant,  and he never let up on me, there was very little comfort offered but I was so starved for anything by that point that the little scraps of affection he did offer had me singing his praises.

things never got better up until the day I told him we where moving to England,  his first reaction was that I was selfish for leaving,  everything was my fault everything,  he'd failed his exams, he wasn't getting into med school like he wanted and I was the problem, he wasted his time talking to me,  he was to busy 'worrying' about me to study or do his class work, he was to busy chatting to focus during his study groups.  it was around this time he'd also started rubbing other girls in my face,  He lived near a casino city and would tell me about the showgirls and the sexy women there,  he'd tell me to wait for him, and I would dutifully because he got mad if I wasn't there right when he logged on, but 6 o'clock in the morning he'd roll online 'sorry went to casinos with friends forgot'  I did that once, and he tore me down so bad I considered self harm (only considered cause I'm a wuss and can't stand pain so I'd never actually do it.)

So I told him we where moving, and I told him I wanted his unbiased opinion,  what did he want between us, he said he wanted what was best and hat was that,  it was just kinf of over, but after then he kept talking to me, and I'm a sucker and well stupid,  I kept talking to him, he got really nice again for a while but then thing went down hill, complaints about the posts I was writing how I didn't give him the work and effort he deserved, I Mentioned a friend wasn't getting very good stuff from me either because I was sick and just couldn't focus and he went totally off on me for giving her my time and attention instead of him.  but then he'd go back 'oh but we're friends' 'oh but I want to talk to you'

in the last two years he's messaged me periodically to be 'friends' and then proceeds to guilt me with everything that's going wrong in his life

So maybe this really dosen't count but during the relationship and now afterwards My mother who is always very helpful and my friends all said it was bad for me he was bad for me, but there are these times,  especially when I'm feeling really lonely and aware of just how alone I am and I hear him saying how no one will ever love me but him, what if he was right?  what if I am the one who messed everything up because of my disabilities and not being good enough,  what if I'm just going to always be alone now?

It must really sounds stupid but, I guess I thoughts I'd share,  an experience from the mentally handicapped.

I just wanted to let you know that this isn't stupid and you were definitely in a situation where you were being verbally abused and this is every bit as severe and mentally stressful as any other abusive relationship. A partner is supposed to help you and support you, especially with the problems you had to deal with dealing with your family and mental disorder. I'm happy you escaped and if you ever feel like that's happening again don't be afraid to talk to any one in this thread who has volunteered, myself included.

Fortunately, I've never personally been the victim of abuse so I can't fully relate to these stories. Unfortunately, I've had one story hit close to home. I don't know all the details since it was my cousin and we live in separate states. Only thing I do know is the one time I'd met him I didn't like him immediately (I was only 14 at the time so that's about how seriously my opinion was taken). I learned about the abuse later on and the on and off status of their relationship as well as various other drama surrounding their relationship, including his imprisonment and later the near death of my cousin almost two years after she had permanently ended it. Their relationship became a token to me to not fall into that trap and to listen and seriously consider the opinions of anyone who sees something might be wrong with the relationship.

[Rhapsody]

I've been told my experience qualifies as abuse, but I've never been able to see it. When I've told people about it, they told me it was. I've said it myself, but it never felt true. I was never hit, never verbally castigated, never spat on, never called names, but...

I lost my virginity at age 16. I was dating an 18 year old and, while I hate him to this day, I still have trouble seeing exactly what he did to me. We started having sex a few months after we started dating, and it kind of just went downhill from there. I'd had orgasms before, from previous boyfriends, but I never experienced one with him. He didn't really care if I was satisfied or not. It was a chore to him the few times he tried.

My mother had gotten pregnant with me at 16, and I was terrified of ending up in the same boat. I made him swear to use condoms, even though I was on the pill, and told him why. Every now and then, he'd talk me into fucking him without one, and he'd pretend to come inside me, then laugh when I panicked. He badgered me for blow jobs -- and he was never all that clean -- but would never reciprocate, telling me that he "didn't feel like fishing" or to let him know when "trouting season was over". He would pick me up, drive to the grocery store, and steal a $3 pack of condoms in front of me, even though I knew he had the money to pay for it.

I remember one instance where he farted by the lockers in school and, when I asked him what he was laughing at, he moved me to stand in the cloud of stink.

I never said anything, to anyone until years later, because I was the awkward, misfit heavy girl in high school who was just grateful to have someone want to be with her.

Some days, I still feel like that.

I didn't have sex with anyone for two years after him, but by the time I did, I had developed hang-up after hang-up, relating to my own self-image, my sexual attractiveness. My worth. They persisted until I married Requiem, and it's only gradually that I've been able to get over some of them with his patience, understanding, and help.

Friends tell me it was abusive behaviour, and I've said it myself, but deep down, I still don't really believe it. Because how could it be?

Maybe that's a dangerous way of thinking, but I continually find myself excusing it under "oh, well, it was high school" and "oh, well, he was just thoughtless and didn't realize". "He didn't know how much he was hurting me." Even I reflect to the top of this post: "I was never hit, never verbally castigated, never called names..." There were no physical bruises. There were no torrent of tears. There were no shouting matches. How could it be abusive?

Yet person after person has told me it was. And sometimes I wonder, how can so many people be wrong?

[Oniya]

At a bare minimum he was getting thrills out of putting you in uncomfortable, humiliating, or even panic-inducing situations.  He left emotional scars on you, even if he never laid an angry hand on you.  That classifies him as a 'Not Very Nice Person', and you are well rid of him.

[Mithlomwen]

This made me smile. 

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/patrick-stewart-million-men-violence-women-011042478.html

[lindorable]

Shooter, seeing as you are a cop, please help me if you can. My boyfriend and my schitzophrenic cousin were waiting for me at the beach. During that time my cousin had started drinking. Seeing as she is schitzophrenic,  the alcohol made her condition worse and she tried to kill my boyfriend. She got him on his stomach, and choked him so hard he didn't know what to do. On his last breath he jrrked his elbow back a few times just to get her away. When she finally let go he went to run but passed out from lack of oxygen. This gave my cousin plenty of time to make a crazy story. When I got home the police were there saying that my boyfriend beat up my cousin and she was in the hospital.  I warned the cop that she was schizophrenic and she was just refently beaten up by a roommate but he didn't listen to me and my boyfriend got put in jail without his miranda rights or anything. This happened like 7 months ago, and since then my cousin wrote a letter to the judge explaining that it was her fault and my boyfriend was innocent. She even had the letter notarized.  We called the court and they said they were sending the letter to the police to charge my cousjn, but they wont take off my boyfriends battery charge. Do you know why that would be?

[shooter6806]

I'll send you a PM and give you what limited insight I can.