Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[Rhedyn]

Update on my part: I still haven't gotten to a therapist yet (finally got Medicaid, but I don't know if that covers therapy), but my seasonal job has become a permanent part-time position, so at least I have a little bit of consistent income to buy myself some treats. And games, if I'm careful and wait for sales.

That's great news on the job becoming a permanent part-time position. Congrats!

[Clio]

When something that used to bring you so much joy now just brings sadness.

At least my medication seems to have settled.

[The Lioness]

I've been struggling with losing weight so I can have a healthy pregnancy in the future. While my hubs and I are in the process of saving for a house (this spring I think we will be in the market looking for one), I feel my clock ticking more than ever. I turn 30 this year, and while I know 'I'm still young' I can't help but feel like I won't be able to lose the weight I need in the time frame I want to be pregnant. When I get pregnant, I don't want to have an apron belly or a B belly. I want a D belly! I am plus size, and I've struggled with my weight since I was 13...but now I feel like now I am spiraling out of control. I can't seem to stay on track when I diet, and don't know where to turn anymore.

So yeah. Feeling a bit down. I'm trying to take it one step at a time to better myself. I'm hoping to start up my gym regiment again tomorrow.

[Rhedyn]

~offers hugs to both Christa and The Lioness~

[Lucetta]

Yeah... I'm totally miserable again. Ended up with a new temp job after losing one over reporting a safety issue and refusing to tolerate an immediate retaliation to that. My breasts grew more than I expected over the holidays due to a dosage change and I ended up banned from my favorite restaurant until I wear a bra. Had to shop online for a specific size at an unexpected cost and am still waiting for the delivery. It was when I was banned from my favorite Counterstrike Source server for "sounding like a troll" for my unpassable effeminate voice that I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm right back in therapy like nothing ever improved.

[Rhedyn]

Ack, I'm so sorry to hear that things are rough for you right now, Lucetta. It's hard, frustrating and upsetting. I can't say I have had your experiences but I can empathise with some of what you are feeling and offer what support I can. Along with hugs, of course:

[Remiel]

When something that used to bring you so much joy now just brings sadness.

I know what you mean.

As for me, while things seem to have...stabilized, in that I have returned to work; and life, if you can call it that, has returned, more or less, to normal, I still wake up every day dreading what the day will bring, and go to bed every night wishing I could simply...not be here.   My writing muse is all but dead.  If I could simply push a button that would eradicate my existence, so that I would cease to exist and that everyone who knew me would instantly forget me, I would do it in a heartbeat.  The reason I continue to push on, I suppose, is that I don't want to hurt the few friends and family I have left.

Re-reading that paragraph, I realize how bleak it must seem, but the fact is that that has become a way of life for me.  I'm trying everything I can think of to get help--I'm seeing a therapist, a psychologist, am on medication, and am going to two support groups--but I feel a bit like the Beast from Disney's Beauty in the Beast, except the last rose petal has fallen and I am out of time. 

I hate admitting this--I am well aware that negativity only begets negativity--but I have been trying to "fake it until I make it" for forty years, and the fact is that I am simply exhausted.  Emotionally, psychologically, spiritually exhausted.   I realize that there are people who have it worse than I do--I am in relatively good health, after all, have a job, and am not homeless--but when I am surrounded by happy people, it makes it difficult to remember that sometimes.  And the worst part of it is that I can't even talk about the reason for the depression, not even here, because it's simply too embarrassing and humiliating.

I do offer sympathy and support to Christa, Lioness, and Lucetta, because it takes strength to admit that things aren't going perfectly, especially in a society where we worship success and shun failure.  In a way, this thread is kind of like a support group--we offer emotional support to each other, such as we can.

[Oreo]

*offers hugs to Remiel* You are so often the rock to others I sometimes forget how hard you are fighting for yourself. Waking up and pasting on the smile is the hardest part of every day. I too get so tired of pretending to be happy. I can sometimes manage to actually be content, accept the fact that this is as good a day as I might have for a long while, but actually being happy is totally different. I totally get the feeling that it would be so nice to just go to sleep. If there is something better after that, hurrah. If not, dreamless sleep.  Then again I love people, family, and friends too much to sleep just yet.

[Remiel]

Thank you, Oreo. *hugs*

[AmberStarfire]

*Leaves hugs for you both too if you would like them*

[Remiel]

Thank you, Amber. *hugs*

[Peripherie]

I sympathize with wanting to just sleep. I have come to realize that one of my struggles with overeating is that if I put myself in a food coma with carb rich food it is easier to get sleepy. Some days off I just eat, sleep,  repeat. And I've been doing it for years just to escape.

*offers hugs to everyone,  double to anyone who understands that messed up way of thinking*

[Rhedyn]

~leaves hugs for Remiel~ I completely understand how you are feeling. It's a daily struggle, exhausting on every level and it seems to me like the longer I struggle for the more apathetic I get. When I feel numb I feel invisible and want to disappear too. I try to remind myself that of all of those happy people around me, a lot of them are faking it too, they just seem to pull it off a lot better than me >.< You may not realise it but you are such a source of strength and happiness for a lot of other people both here and elsewhere. If I can provide even a fraction of that back to you then please take it.

~takes some of those double hugs~ Carbs are my downfall, Peri. I have been known to do the same thing. When I'm down I switch between over eating heavy foods and just sleeping with an over full stomach until I 'need' more (usually when I am feeling emotional with my depression) or not eating at all and just sleeping because I don't have the energy or will to even consume food (usually when I am feeling apathetic with my depression).

[Remiel]

Thank you, Rhedyn. *hugs*

[Caedy]

~leaves an abundance of hugs for Remiel~ Rhedyn is right, you are a source of strength and happiness for a lot of people here and elsewhere.   I do not know you as well as some, but know that I am here always to talk or whatever.   I know what it feels like to want to just leave, make it so that no one remembers you, your existence gone.  My own depression and anxiety have been a pair of twin demons that have been clawing at the very fiber of my being and there are many, many days that I have considered giving up because it would be easier than continuing to fight.  Then I am reminded that my time is not yet done here, I still have a purpose here - I might not know what it is, but I know it is not yet time for me to leave this world.    It is part of the reason that I am so desperate to ultimately get my semi-colon tattoo with TWLOHA with it.  So I have a physical reminder on my body that my time is not yet done, that my story is not yet over...and that no matter how helpless, useless, worthless I feel there are too many people that will suffer if I give into the thoughts that hover like vultures in the darkest depths of my mind.

It is not helping that there is an excessive backlog with the few therapists that I can see in my area so my depression and anxiety are currently going untreated and I am finding ways to try and not give in.  Work is a constant source of anxiety and I've found myself dreading each day that I have to wake up and go to work because I don't know what kind of day I will have, what triggers will be activated and push my anxiety into high gear.  How many times will I narrowly avoid a panic attack at work, an anxiety attack? How many times will I have to keep myself from lashing out at a coworker who was just trying to help me with something when I was getting overwhelmed?   Searching for a new job is a source of anxiety all in it's own and unfortunately I am not in a position where I can quit my current job and focus more on a job search, which is something I so desperately want to do. 

Carbs, greasy foods, and sweets are my downfall when my depression and anxiety start to get the better of me.  Eating heavier foods, carb rich, and the greasier the better.  One of my post anxiety go tos is pizza, greasy and excessively cheesy from somewhere like Pizza Hut or Little Ceasers.  I just want to eat and sleep, I don't even have the energy to drink anything more than a soda, and forget water or anything remotely healthy. 

My muse isn't entirely dead and I'm thankful that, I think keeping up with my bullet journal and the fact that I've started vlogging and doing things like that is keeping my muse somewhat active.  Though that didn't keep many of my stories here on E from being silent for nearly two months. 

I know there are others worse off than me, but there are days where it doesn't feel like it.  There are days when I cannot even find enough effort to get out of my own way, let alone help with anything else. 

Remiel, you, my dear friend are not out of time.  Not yet.  There is a reason you are still here, whatever that is, you are meant to still be here.  You are cared for, you are loved.   

Things are not perfect, perhaps they never will be, but perfection is subjective.  However, there is indeed strength in admitting that things are not going as they should and our lives seem like little more than a puzzle that is missing more than a few pieces to finish the picture we want to see for ourselves. 

I am thankful for everyone in this thread, this group of us that are willing to share our stories, those moments that remind us that even though we feel like giving up, there is still even the smallest reason to continue to fight. 

My apologies if this post seems muddled or all over the place.

~leaves hugs for all that wish them and gladly takes any in return.~

[Remiel]

Thank you, Caedy.  -hugs-

[marauder13]

Now, for a slight departure from the current topic onto something a little nicer to hear.

I am not sure how many people are aware, but not only am I diagnosed with clinical depression, but my darling wife is as well. Hers is longer going than mine, and more severe than mine. Now, medically speaking, she is morbidly obese, and one of her coping mechanisms was to eat foods that would add to her weight.

At the start of November last year, she started tackling her weight by commencing a medically supervised diet. During November, she stayed in hospital to get the proper mental health support while she started working on something that is deeply tied with her schemas. She is weighed weekly, and has fortnightly visits with health professionals to monitor how she is doing.

Today, she was weighed, and a major mile stone was reached. My darling wife, who has resisted dealing with her increasing weight for the last 15 years, as lost 10% of her starting weight!

It has not been easy going for her. Even this morning, she was so anxious that I was not sure that she was able to drive herself to the appointment. But these last three months, she has shown me, and all who know her, how serious she is about what she is trying to do. Her end goal, which is a sensible one, is for her to loose 50% of her start weight. I know she will do it, given what she has been through so far. She also has a reasonable time frame to achieve it (over a few years). But, she managed this while also managing to 'enjoy' Christmas, and a significant birthday celebration for our elder son.

All of this was done while fighting well entrenched, irrational thoughts and feelings she has connected to her loosing weight.

*Does a great deal of happy dancing*


Remiel, this is not a way to steal anything from you, and what you are going through. But I thought it would be a great thing to share some good news about a sufferer of depression making some magnificent headway in their life.

And yes, I am so, SO biased about it too :)

[Oreo]

That is very uplifting Marauder! I hope she continues with the success she has had so far. It's one thing to be dieting for a few months. Quite another when you are looking at years. All in all this journey of mine has been going on since last February. It takes everything in me to keep to the regimen. I'm rooting for her!!

[Rhedyn]

~leaves hugs for Caedy~

Thank you for sharing that news m13, it is wonderful to hear that she is making such amazing progress. Well done to her!

[Karasu]

Now, for a slight departure from the current topic onto something a little nicer to hear.

I am not sure how many people are aware, but not only am I diagnosed with clinical depression, but my darling wife is as well. Hers is longer going than mine, and more severe than mine. Now, medically speaking, she is morbidly obese, and one of her coping mechanisms was to eat foods that would add to her weight.

At the start of November last year, she started tackling her weight by commencing a medically supervised diet. During November, she stayed in hospital to get the proper mental health support while she started working on something that is deeply tied with her schemas. She is weighed weekly, and has fortnightly visits with health professionals to monitor how she is doing.

Today, she was weighed, and a major mile stone was reached. My darling wife, who has resisted dealing with her increasing weight for the last 15 years, as lost 10% of her starting weight!

It has not been easy going for her. Even this morning, she was so anxious that I was not sure that she was able to drive herself to the appointment. But these last three months, she has shown me, and all who know her, how serious she is about what she is trying to do. Her end goal, which is a sensible one, is for her to loose 50% of her start weight. I know she will do it, given what she has been through so far. She also has a reasonable time frame to achieve it (over a few years). But, she managed this while also managing to 'enjoy' Christmas, and a significant birthday celebration for our elder son.

All of this was done while fighting well entrenched, irrational thoughts and feelings she has connected to her loosing weight.

*Does a great deal of happy dancing*


Remiel, this is not a way to steal anything from you, and what you are going through. But I thought it would be a great thing to share some good news about a sufferer of depression making some magnificent headway in their life.

And yes, I am so, SO biased about it too :)

I am so glad to hear that about your wife! With great support and will, I just knwo she'll meet her goal!

I'm working on taking care of myself as well. I'm seeing a psychologist, and my husband is helping me manage what I eat so I don't over eat. I've also got an appointment soon to talk to a doctor to see if it would help to get a stomach band to reduce how much I even CAN eat, as my weight isn't going down despite our efforts.

I'm getting the help I need. I've got an amazing support team, true friends that care, family taht want to see my healthy and happy. With all this, I'm beginning to think that I can do this!

[marauder13]

I am so glad to hear that about your wife! With great support and will, I just knwo she'll meet her goal!

I'm working on taking care of myself as well. I'm seeing a psychologist, and my husband is helping me manage what I eat so I don't over eat. I've also got an appointment soon to talk to a doctor to see if it would help to get a stomach band to reduce how much I even CAN eat, as my weight isn't going down despite our efforts.

I'm getting the help I need. I've got an amazing support team, true friends that care, family taht want to see my healthy and happy. With all this, I'm beginning to think that I can do this!

My wife also has a lap band, but there are ways of 'beating it'. But if you remain eating healthy, then you will see the weight come off.

But I am pleased to hear that you are taking steps to look after yourself, and that you have people there to support you. I truly believe that having support, from people who care about you, really can make a difference in succeeding.

I feel that given everything that you have said that you will do it too.

[Karasu]

yea! Before my husband and the friends I have now.. I didn't believe or care about myself at all, and now I'm starting to, because they beleive in me ^^

[Remiel]

Marauder, that is indeed great news.  I hope you tell your wife how proud you are of her.

[Autumn52]

Offers hugs to all.

*HUGS*

[Rhedyn]

~snags a Xandi hug~