Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[AcademicCuriosity9110]

So is taking insulin a "crutch" if you are diabetic?  Is taking medication to lower high blood pressure a sign of weakness and dependency?

Sorry if I come across as belligerent or combative; I'm not actually angry, and certainly not at you, AC.   ;)

This is just a sore spot of mine, since it is an attitude I often encounter.  We just don't take mental illness seriously in this country, and it bothers me.

It's okay, and I agree completely with your views on the issue. Mental illness is sadly not taken seriously enough by enough people.

On an unrelated note, last I was aware, my father was taking medication for bipolar disorder. So either he's a hypocrite or his views have changed. I don't know; I don't talk to him much. But when I did last, he said nothing when I mentioned being on meds.

[blue bunny sparkle]

In it.

[CrownedSun]

I'm sure this happens even to people that don't have depression, but it's been annoying me a bit lately.

Like, I've not thought about something in forever and suddenly it just pops back into my head for absolutely no reason. n', then, bam. It's like I'm going through it all over again. Or, I'll be perfectly fine with something, and then I'll have a Dream wherein it's like my brain is like, "You thought you were over this? Hahahaha. No."

I think there's a bit of a shelf-life on this stuff, too, but realizing exactly when it is can be difficult sometimes. Heaven knows I've spent time brooding on shit that happened, like, 10 years ago at this point.

<.<

Just, seriously, brain.

Give me a fucking break.

[Oreo]

Sunny, I have that happen with just a word. There was a very traumatic abusive 20 years in the middle of my life. It is very easy to send me back there. My stress induced dreams are almost always centered around that time, and include the person involved. I does happen more when I am stressed that when I am depressed.

I hope it passes soon for you. That brain circling feeling is not fun. Sometimes music will help distract me.

[Remiel]

I'm sure this happens even to people that don't have depression, but it's been annoying me a bit lately.

Like, I've not thought about something in forever and suddenly it just pops back into my head for absolutely no reason. n', then, bam. It's like I'm going through it all over again. Or, I'll be perfectly fine with something, and then I'll have a Dream wherein it's like my brain is like, "You thought you were over this? Hahahaha. No."

I think there's a bit of a shelf-life on this stuff, too, but realizing exactly when it is can be difficult sometimes. Heaven knows I've spent time brooding on shit that happened, like, 10 years ago at this point.

<.<

Just, seriously, brain.

Give me a fucking break.

Been there, mate.  Dreams suck.  It's like your brain goes, "trying to get over this and move on, eh?  Well, here, let me rip those emotional scabs off all over again."

[Mirrah]

I'm sure this happens even to people that don't have depression, but it's been annoying me a bit lately.

Like, I've not thought about something in forever and suddenly it just pops back into my head for absolutely no reason. n', then, bam. It's like I'm going through it all over again. Or, I'll be perfectly fine with something, and then I'll have a Dream wherein it's like my brain is like, "You thought you were over this? Hahahaha. No."

I think there's a bit of a shelf-life on this stuff, too, but realizing exactly when it is can be difficult sometimes. Heaven knows I've spent time brooding on shit that happened, like, 10 years ago at this point.

<.<

Just, seriously, brain.

Give me a fucking break.

Yeah. That's been me lately, but not with the dreams. Those tend to blindside me. Sometimes, I feel like there is no such thing as "enough time" to get past certain incidences. It's impossible to put a limit on it. 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, 20 years. Some things just stick, and... takes a lot of time and effort before they become manageable. It's really hard to forget or not think about them when they've burrowed that deeply into the mind.

[BlueOrange]

That whole ‘shitty unwanted memories’ thing is at the core of my diagnosis. If you can do something nice for yourself when it comes, then that does soften it a little for the next time it hits.

[CrownedSun]

On another, mostly unrelated subject, can I just say how much I hate having to be responcible for what feels like everything? <.<

I'm not good at dealing with people, I don't like having to-- like,- go talk to people. Be around people. Interact with them. But, I find myself having to do so, over and over again and it's all just so goddamned exhausting. It just makes me want to cry sometimes, seriously, it's so fucking stressful. I can handle it fairly well, most of the time, other than occasionally putting off things that I shouldn't put off for longer than I should put them off. Or, doing things for my grandmother but neglecting things that I should really be doing for myself, just because I don't have the energy to do both. I mean, seriously, something as simple as going down to the doctor's office to change our appointment from gramma's old doctor to her new doctor shouldn't have taken me a month to do. Buuuut, it did, and I mostly only did it because I had to get some refills into some of her medications.

<.<

Even that, I don't like, I'm not even sure why. Arguably, it's easier to go down to the Dr.'s Office and have them put in new prescriptions. As opposed to going down to the Walgreens and asking for a refill on something that doesn't have a refill, which involves them having to call in the doctor's office FOR me, and there is usually a line and a bunch of people and interacting with people. I guess it's because, at the end of the day, I have to go to the walgreens anyway? So it's only one interaction (at best) instead of 2?

I 'unno.

Probably just don't like going to the Doctor, specifically, heh.

Anyway. Just ranting a bit.

[Oniya]

I hear you, Sunny.  Lord, how I hear you.

*leaves a basket of hugs*

[Yuna]

I'm experiencing a total lack of appetite as of late. Nothing tastes good anymore. Sleep is hard to get. Stress has made my depression really difficult to deal with, and therapy is currently a no-go as I'm in-between moving countries, yet uncertain when that's finally going to happen. Faced with one of the most difficult decisions I've yet to make in my life. Does anyone else experience memory loss when it gets really bad?

[Remiel]

Lack of appetite, inability to sleep, and inability to handle stress are certainly indicators of a moderate to severe depression.  Do you have any close friends or family that you can talk to, that you can let them know what's going on?

[Yuna]

Lack of appetite, inability to sleep, and inability to handle stress are certainly indicators of a moderate to severe depression.  Do you have any close friends or family that you can talk to, that you can let them know what's going on?

I do, yeah. I've had severe depression for long, but it calmed down for a while and I decided it was healthier for my body if I stopped taking medication after being on them for five years. I was doing a lot better. It's coming back now with the stress, though. I know I'm not alone and that I can share my worries with the ones close to me, but I'm scared of overwhelming them. That's why the sooner I can get back into therapy, the better. :(

[Phoenixrisen]

*Leaves a ton of hugs lying around for anyone who could use one.*

Seems like this has been a hard month for a few other folks too.

Some of you know I've been really struggling with my mental health in the last couple of years. Really struggling, hospitalized three times since last February struggling. For the last six months, my demons and I have been in a stalemate. They were winning, slowly, but they were winning. See, I'd been stupid and not been blunt and fully honest with my doctor. I never lied, but for a long time there's been this huge fissure between my conscious, rational mind and the instinctive part that we can try to influence but don't really have a ton of control over, and so when I was asked certain questions, I gave them the rational answer that I knew to be true. It wasn't what I was living through, I was battling hormones and instinct. I could thought stop, distract, ground, center, any and all of it I tried, it didn't change anything. Rationally I didn't want to die, rationally I knew that there was no reason to jump at every little noise, rationally I knew I was safe, none of that mattered. Don't make my mistake, if you're reading this and seeing a doctor, be blunt, tell them the truth as you feel it, not as you think it. Hopefully that makes sense.

Anyway, this past month was really horrible. If I'm being honest, I probably should have gone to a hospital a time or two, but no one was around to bring me. I was toe to toe with my darkest demons, but I held on, I pushed through, they were everywhere, lurking in the back of my mind, in my dreams supplying me super nasty nightmares, in every unexpected sound trying to tear any bit of rationality they could from me. I'm not sure exactly what changed, it's a little soon for it to be the meds, but today I was listening to music and I realized that I hadn't thought about hurting myself in over twenty-four hours and even thinking about it causes me to recoil. Today, I won. I know that was just one battle, and that the war is still raging, and likely always will be, but today I won, and it's amazing.

For the first time in a very long time, the tears streaming down my face are from happiness.  I wanna scream it from the rooftops. So please, whoever might read this, please remember that there's hope. The fight gets so long and so tiring, and I know sometimes I just wanted to quit just so there would be some peace. It's hard, but you can get through it, martial your troops (friends, doctors, therapists, etc..) remember you're never alone in this, even though it often feels that way, and fight. Sometimes that fight might look like just curling up somewhere far away from anything that can hurt you, or going to the hospital and asking for help, taking meds and that's okay, that's amazing, just fight, please. Every moment that you're alive, you've won, keeping fighting. My dearest wish for all of you who might be struggling is to get to feel the way I feel right now, and that can only happen if you keep fighting. <3

[Remiel]

*BIG HUGE HUGS for Phoenix*

Keep on fightin', babe.  We love ya.

[BlueOrange]

*Hugs for Phoenix, if they are welcome*

Well done winning that battle. Last year, I was experiencing distressing thoughts of self harm 2-3 times a day. Last weekend I experienced severe stress, and didn’t consider harming myself at all. The process of winning the hourly, daily, weekly battles is what got me to this point. I have awesome supportive people in every corner of my life now, beats the hell out of the time when I was alone and felt completely hopeless (quite a while ago now).

You are absolutely right. The small victories do add up. Be kind to yourself when you can.

[AcademicCuriosity9110]

*adds more hugs*

Congrats on winning that battle. And every other one you've won. Because you win every time you face that darkness and it says "give in," and you stare it in the face and you say "no."

Every day is a battle, and so far we're ALL undefeated because we haven't given in to that ultimate fatal surrender. We're each the undefeated champion of our lives. Seven months ago, I tried to tap out, to give up and end it, but the ref wasn't paying attention, so here I am, still fighting, but now I'm not alone. I have two therapists and take three different meds. My medication is life or death, because if I'm not on meds I spend a lot of time depressed and even suicidal. I've tried five or six times at least. So yeah, I consider it absolutely critical that I stay on meds. They're my lifesaver more than anything because on meds I can be happy and stable and not remotely suicidal. I still win every day, and will continue to win every day. Just like you do, Phoenix. You win every day you stay alive because the disease trying to kill you hasn't killed you. You tell yourself that every day you keep going is a win.

[Yuna]

*also adds to the hug pile*

It's so, so good to know that more victories have been had! You guys are very strong and it's really inspiring. <3

[Gannameade]

*MAJOR Hugs Phoenix!*

I do want to send a shout out to everyone that celebrates Thanksgiving and those that wish they could.

I appreciate everyone that is willing to share.  I haven't had the best of months as of lately to the point I had considered leaving for a while...but I realize if I do...I would never come back. 

Don't wanna feel like a coward or feeling like people are chasing me off, from the place I love to be!!!  It is hard being and dealing with rejection, even from people that don't even know you or could seriously care less.

Life came to a head yesterday....and damn I love thanksgiving!  I truly do...but yesterday was a walking out into rush hour traffic day (live by a well-used highway).  Shrugs obviously I didn't, cause I am sitting here typing this out.  But I realized part of my break down yesterday was feeling like I was losing people, those that I care about, those I thought cared about me...or even liked me a bit?!?  I guess I never grew out of that, 'nobody likes me phase.' And I have become such a 'people pleaser' I am willing to put up with any and all idiotic bullshit to have people around or have people even like me. 

I know I should by this time in my life...(according to my dearest one)..be at that not giving a F... phase.  But it is hard to not be in that nice guy mentality, thinking that someone doesn't like me, for not doing the right thing, saying the right thing, letting them bend me over so they screw me over again and simply laugh at me as they kick me to the curb anyway for whatever reason they feel is valid for them.

I guess what I am really saying is to recognize your triggers, learn who you are, deal with the people that will deal with you.  Know who will be there with you and for you.

Ganna's New rule of Life: you WILL NOT please everyone, work on pleasing yourself and being yourself. 

If you are here...on 'E' or anywhere write for you!  If someone doesn't want to write with you for any reason...F.. 'em!  For every person that won't right with you, there are 5 that will.  Do you?  Be you?  If you aren't true to you, you will wake up and half a century has passed and you won't know who you are...no one else will either...they will know the facade of you that you presented all that time.

Be true to you!!!

Much love!!!

[Hrairoo]

I think that's really great advice for the people pleasers out there, Gann. Sometimes we set ourselves up for failure, taking other people's approval to heart, when really...it's an impossible task to be the right thing for everyone all the time. It takes that bit of perspective to reassert healthy goals and realize the box we're trying to squeeze into is not something anyone can fit inside of.

*flowers for everyone who needs one*

[Remiel]

Ganna's New rule of Life: you WILL NOT please everyone, work on pleasing yourself and being yourself. 

Excellent advice, in my humble opinion.

Or, to put it another way, I read an article once where someone once said the recipe for being happy is: you can't do everything.  You can't make everyone like you.  But what you can do is spend more time and pay more attention to the people that do like you and simply ignore the people that don't.

[Yuna]

Excellent advice, in my humble opinion.

Or, to put it another way, I read an article once where someone once said the recipe for being happy is: you can't do everything.  You can't make everyone like you.  But what you can do is spend more time and pay more attention to the people that do like you and simply ignore the people that don't.

I agree with this completely! And with everyone above. It took me a long time to learn this as well. I've spent so much energy in my life on trying to make people like me. I've stopped trying to do that now, just knowing that there's someone out there who likes me authentically and organically is absolutely enough now, but it took a long while to get there.

It's a really big step Ganna, thank you so much for the inspirational words.

[CrownedSun]

*sighs*

I am not in a very good place right now.

[AcademicCuriosity9110]

*sighs*

I am not in a very good place right now.

*Offers hugs* always here if you want to talk

[Remiel]

Sorry to hear that, CrownedSun.  This time of year is always roughest on those who struggle with loneliness and depression.  Hang in there.

[The Lovely Tsaritsa]

*sighs*

I am not in a very good place right now.

Many hugs for you CS, if youre wanting. Please know, always you’re apreciated, your humour, and kindness. :-)