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Author Topic: Writing Sample from EnDash  (Read 528 times)

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Offline EnDashTopic starter

Writing Sample from EnDash
« on: February 15, 2011, 10:55:49 AM »
As much as anything I like to write the first few paragraphs or pages of a story. I don't think I have finished a short story in years. I am hoping that this forum will allow me to plate the first course and other to finish the meal. Please feel free to critique style, grammar, or content. I can see the images in my mind. If I am not presenting clearly on the palate, then I appreciate your feedback. I have no aspirations to be a writer, but I would like to be able to tell a story well.
Cheers,
-

“Wouldn’t a zombie apocalypse be awesome?” he said to no one in a chiding and nasal tone. Gazing through the binoculars down his intended path he saw no signs of activity. Didn’t and wouldn’t he surmised. When there was no answer to his sarcasm, he sighed and continued down the road, each step heavy. Recalling his own naiveté only deepened his sullen mood. 

When the news first broke of chaos and confusion in major cities, he found it all too familiar. Could it have been that the comics, movies and pop culture dreck were prophesy? As the days wore on and less information was to be had through media word of mouth spread faster than any electronic feed. The word was clear,
“Death is coming. Run. Hide. Death is coming.”

When it came, there was no rising of the dead. No devil of the plague that ripped through his town. All that was left in its wake was silence. No birds. No bees. No humanity. In less than a week everyone he had ever known was gone; Leaving only an ever present and oppressive quiet.

Wondering why he was unaffected occupied his mind for a day or two. The realization that he would sooner find God than the answer put an end to his internal debate. Bringing forth the next conclusion that any answer to be had would not be found within the confines of his small, empty town. The husk of which was beginning to depress him, so he set out in search of anything and everything that might be left.

Offline SinClaire

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Re: Writing Sample from EnDash
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2011, 12:37:40 PM »
Hi!

First off, it's an interesting read (more so because my friends and I have this silly idea about a possible zombie apocalypse and are constantly fooling around with it), and sort of a fresh idea. I would like to know where it's going, so do let me know if you ever continue it ;)

Now, there's a couple of adjustments you could make. The first one is purely a matter of visual style:

"In less than a week everyone he had ever known was gone; Leaving only an ever present and oppressive quiet. "

Leaving shouldn't be capitalized, since it's part of the initial sentence, even if there's a semi-colon there. And, in fact, the semi-colon could be just a comma, since it's all a single-unit or single-thought, not something divided. Unless you add something after the second part, which is not really necessary, but could help you delve deeper into the character's thoughts and mood.

Then there's:

"The realization that he would sooner find God than the answer put an end to his internal debate. Bringing forth the next conclusion that any answer to be had would not be found within the confines of his small, empty town."

Now, after "internal debate", you could go with a comma, OR, you could start the next sentence with "... Which brought forth the next conclusion: that any answer [...]"

Basically, it's either make everything one long, cohesive sentence, or separate it and make it sound more natural, like an afterthought amidst everything the character is already going through. Same happens with the line for "The husk of which [...]"

In the end, it's a matter of style, but if you adjust it a bit, the sentences will be better of grammatically, and you'll be able to make your character more believable for your readers - even if the reader is just you.

Hope this helps! If you have any questions or anything, I'll be more than happy to help :)