Hello. Ive read your entry on 'Dealing with Depression' and I know you want someone to say something brilliant and make things better. I cant say anything that cool, but I do have some suggestions for you.
Life is long. Imagine a very long journey across country. Now imagine being in some empty, godforsaken area... one of those states like Wyoming or Arizona where its a 100 miles to the nearest twinkie or gas station... its swealtering hot, the AC is out... you look around and all you see is desert around yourself. Just flat dirt and a few cactuses and cow skulls and thats all you see. You cant stop right then, stand up, and just declare... 'Oh... my... gosh. This is the worst trip ever. I hate everything. Im going back home.' The truth is that life will take up turns and down turns, but just like Arizona or Idaho or whereever you are, these are only markers on the side of the road.
You are so young. You arent even thirty. Thirty is the age when a man is concidered a man in biblical times, and looking back all the changes which happened to me between twenty and thirty... its like I was a totallly different person. One decade changed everything. Thats the decade you are in right now.
So, here is my advice. Improvement doesnt happen insta-maticly. You dont... hey, wanna stop doing heroine and get that graduate degree Ive always wanted and want to make things right with my mother by the end of the week. It happens in increments... the miles of your journey pass... and as long as you dont get overwelmed by it all... and seeing it as a journey or process can help with that... before you know it you can transform yourself and your life. Work on one thing at a time.
Try to get a better job. Find something you kind of like and can make a sort of home. Find a way to get your children back. Be friends with your ex, write him, life is long and the relationships that take the longest to form are the best... like comparing wine to beer. Find people you can talk to... on your Myspace page... at your job... wherever. Friends are cultivated like a garden. No one just finds a good job, has a good family and support network, has everything they want just because they are lucky or stumble upon all of it like found art on the side of the road. It takes work, it takes time, it takes calm effort, and it doesnt happen overnight.
Life gets better, I promise. I have been so troubled, so hateful, so lost most of my life. With each year, though, I get better. Maybe its just a half of a degree or so sometimes, but anything can happen and all of your dreams can come true, given enough time and effort. It isnt easy. Life... or anything else which is worth anything... isnt easy. If it were, we would be on autopilot during most of it.
I hope this helps you. You seem very desperate, and I hope you find some peace here. If not by my words, then maybe someone else will have something even better to say. The world is bigger than your pain, but like someone standing on the moon who can block the entire earth with thier thumb, it can seem as if your pain is the entire world. It isnt... its just blocking you. Clear your mind, relax, take deep breathes, put things back into perspective, and you will find the world is not a dark, scarry place to hid from, but a very warm, beautiful place to live and thrive. You just have to see things to the correct scale.
Good luck. I hope all goes well with you. I hope you get that job... I hope you get back your child... I hope you find that One you spoke of. I hope you see the bigger meaning in life. Most of all, I wish you Peace.