Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[blue bunny sparkle]

I find it hard talking openly with people IRL so it would be hard talking to a therapist for me. I've been wanting to give it a try though.

Sometimes people find it much easier to talk to a therapist than friends, family or co-workers. Therapists are trained to listen, and understand how to interact with patients in a way that works for each person. Other people, not so much.

I've found this to be true more often than not. And therapists won't gossip secrets away. With chat based converations too, I tend to spin in circles, never getting to the roots of issues that affect me. Since depression can be so debiliating, for me its best to get the best help I can.

Wishing you lots of luck in whatever you decide to do!

[Peripherie]

Sometimes when absolutely nothing is wrong, everything can still feel tight, constricted, and impossible.

[Zenkai]

Just staring at the screen, wondering if there is something important in there. A cure for the loneliness that crept in and embraced me tighter than any lover ever did? A reason to keep my fingers moving? The sweet sound of keys sinking down and popping back up, like warm rain on a tin roof.

...no. The reason is just trying to stay here, anchored somewhere where there might be someone for me. Shall I indulge in self-deception and pretend that it could happen? Watch the cursor shamble along, leaving inky black indistinct shapes that might be letters or long-putrefied tears. Good cursor. Want a cookie?

Crawling back out into the light has never been this hard. I've done it too many times already. A greater part of me wants me to stay curled up and unresponsive. It doesn't want me to pick up that mask. Not to mention walking around with that fake smile. Obligation, duty, whatever, it just wants to stay curled up staring through closed eyes at nothing.

I kick it. Get up, work is waiting.

It curls up and closes its eyes even more tightly without answering me. All the leaves have already fallen, all the autumns have already become winters. I know it is more afraid than tired by now. Fear explodes into rage, rage condenses into regret, regret freezes into stupor and limp, endless fatigue that makes one ball up.

Keeping my eyes without tears has never been so hard. The mask suffocates me. The world is so far from me, I can barely feel it. The distance makes me scared. The fear is ready to flare up...

I am afraid of myself.

[Remiel]

I'm not sure if this is appropriate to say, but that was beautiful, Zenkai.

Thank you for sharing.

[Gannameade]

Just staring at the screen, wondering if there is something important in there. A cure for the loneliness that crept in and embraced me tighter than any lover ever did? A reason to keep my fingers moving? The sweet sound of keys sinking down and popping back up, like warm rain on a tin roof.

...no. The reason is just trying to stay here, anchored somewhere where there might be someone for me. Shall I indulge in self-deception and pretend that it could happen? Watch the cursor shamble along, leaving inky black indistinct shapes that might be letters or long-putrefied tears. Good cursor. Want a cookie?

Crawling back out into the light has never been this hard. I've done it too many times already. A greater part of me wants me to stay curled up and unresponsive. It doesn't want me to pick up that mask. Not to mention walking around with that fake smile. Obligation, duty, whatever, it just wants to stay curled up staring through closed eyes at nothing.

I kick it. Get up, work is waiting.

It curls up and closes its eyes even more tightly without answering me. All the leaves have already fallen, all the autumns have already become winters. I know it is more afraid than tired by now. Fear explodes into rage, rage condenses into regret, regret freezes into stupor and limp, endless fatigue that makes one ball up.

Keeping my eyes without tears has never been so hard. The mask suffocates me. The world is so far from me, I can barely feel it. The distance makes me scared. The fear is ready to flare up...

I am afraid of myself.

Love that Zenkai

I just don't think I am afraid of myself...I am more afraid of how others see me. 

How I have lived my life for so long trying to be something other than what I am...Now that I have been on this planet for a damned half a century I have come to realized...

I don't even know who I am.  And I despise this hapless aimless thing I have become....

Yes...sometimes going to a therapist...yeah it helps.  Sometimes...NOT!  I do say find what works for you.

Don't give up...there is always tomorrow.  Strive to live just one more day, there is hope out there!!!

Sometimes it is easier to cope when you know your purpose!  Sometimes that purpose is just to give hope to others when you least expect it.

Despite how you think or how you feel...if you were no longer here...you would be missed by someone....several someones!!!

Thanks one and all for share those parts of you, that you do with the rest of us.

[Oniya]

A reminder - if one particular therapist doesn't work, look for another one.

[Zenkai]

There are posts here on E that helped me a lot with keeping unpleasant thoughts at bay. There is one in particular that stands out, about a woman who committed suicide, and a fellow Elliquian's thoughts on that. It's hard  to pin down the reason, but her words made me feel much better - even made me a bit less afraid of high places. They made me realize (again) that even my life is something precious, limited, and transitory. That there exist other people despite me not knowing about them. They had me remember something about loneliness and how others might see me. Those words were not for me or about me, but helped me a ton nevertheless.

That post had a much greater effect on me than any therapist ever managed in a session. (Sorry, guys, I know you tried.)

That post drew a sad little smile on my face. It made me forget that the railing on the balcony is so low, and how far the drop to the pavement is. Many times, words having unintended consequences - but in this case, positive ones. If I had only found it 2 months ago I wouldn't have crashed and burned so hard during the summer. But at least I have more ammunition to use next time!  ;D With luck and thoughts like these, I'll manage to stay cowardly enough to keep living. With even more luck, someone like me will read this and find something. An extra smile, or a tear less.

Thanks, Remiel, Gannameade, Oniya.

[Twisted Crow]

In my experience, there is no greater pain than isolation.

[Superfly47]

There are posts here on E that helped me a lot with keeping unpleasant thoughts at bay. There is one in particular that stands out, about a woman who committed suicide, and a fellow Elliquian's thoughts on that. It's hard  to pin down the reason, but her words made me feel much better - even made me a bit less afraid of high places. They made me realize (again) that even my life is something precious, limited, and transitory. That there exist other people despite me not knowing about them. They had me remember something about loneliness and how others might see me. Those words were not for me or about me, but helped me a ton nevertheless.

That post had a much greater effect on me than any therapist ever managed in a session. (Sorry, guys, I know you tried.)

That post drew a sad little smile on my face. It made me forget that the railing on the balcony is so low, and how far the drop to the pavement is. Many times, words having unintended consequences - but in this case, positive ones. If I had only found it 2 months ago I wouldn't have crashed and burned so hard during the summer. But at least I have more ammunition to use next time!  ;D With luck and thoughts like these, I'll manage to stay cowardly enough to keep living. With even more luck, someone like me will read this and find something. An extra smile, or a tear less.

Thanks, Remiel, Gannameade, Oniya.

Good that you're feeling better.

[The Lovely Tsaritsa]

There are posts here on E that helped me a lot with keeping unpleasant thoughts at bay. There is one in particular that stands out, about a woman who committed suicide, and a fellow Elliquian's thoughts on that. It's hard  to pin down the reason, but her words made me feel much better - even made me a bit less afraid of high places. They made me realize (again) that even my life is something precious, limited, and transitory. That there exist other people despite me not knowing about them. They had me remember something about loneliness and how others might see me. Those words were not for me or about me, but helped me a ton nevertheless.

That post had a much greater effect on me than any therapist ever managed in a session. (Sorry, guys, I know you tried.)


Im very glad, you feel more better, too. :-)
That post drew a sad little smile on my face. It made me forget that the railing on the balcony is so low, and how far the drop to the pavement is. Many times, words having unintended consequences - but in this case, positive ones. If I had only found it 2 months ago I wouldn't have crashed and burned so hard during the summer. But at least I have more ammunition to use next time!  ;D With luck and thoughts like these, I'll manage to stay cowardly enough to keep living. With even more luck, someone like me will read this and find something. An extra smile, or a tear less.

Thanks, Remiel, Gannameade, Oniya.

[The Lovely Tsaritsa]

I mean, to write above, I’m very glad, you feel more better, too. :-)

[AcademicCuriosity9110]

So this is something I've been wanting to talk about here for some time. It's sensitive material, so I've spoiler tagged it below.

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

My Story

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Some context first. I've suffered from clinical depression for almost my whole life, since I was seven, when I first had a plan to kill myself. I've tried probably five or six times since. I was on medication for several years before going off it. I managed alright for several years

I got back on it in mid-2018, but went off them a couple months later. In August, I went on a leave of absence from my job, and was formally terminated on Halloween. In mid-December, I lost hope and tried swallowing a couple of bottles of pills. I survived without medical intervention. Shortly after, I lost the room I was renting in mid-December, and was only saved from homelessness by the mercy of my brother. I was living in his garage.

In March, I finally got a job interview. I didn't get the job, and that broke me. I gave up. I was tired of fighting, of struggling, of getting knocked down every time things had started to look up.

For a week and a half, I planned, I rehearsed, I worked out the text I would send my family.

On March 23rd, 2019, I took my brother's Glock, loaded it, called 911 (I wanted to make sure I died in either the ambulance or hospital to make sure my organs were fresh enough for donation), sent a suicide text to my family and friends, and shot myself in the neck, front to back.

For the first couple days in the hospital, I was mostly just pissed I'd failed. But after that, I was glad I'd survived. I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital to get back on meds, and afterwards relocated to a different city and found a program that could guarantee me access to the resources I need to get my life in order.

[AmberStarfire]

AcademicCuriosity:

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

I don't know what to say except I'm glad you're alright. I hope the program helps in the ways you need it to and that life gets easier and better for you.

While you're alive you have choices and options for life to go in different and better directions.

[Remiel]

Thank you for sharing your story with us, AcademicCuriosity.  For what it's worth, I think that it must have taken a lot of courage to do so.

[AcademicCuriosity9110]

AcademicCuriosity:

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

I don't know what to say except I'm glad you're alright. I hope the program helps in the ways you need it to and that life gets easier and better for you.

While you're alive you have choices and options for life to go in different and better directions.

Thank you for sharing your story with us, AcademicCuriosity.  For what it's worth, I think that it must have taken a lot of courage to do so.

Thank you both for your support.  It's gotten easier with time to share. It was a long time before I could even talk about the details with my family, and several of my counseling sessions have been focused on it.

[Wolfling72]

Bi-polar Depression is slightly different in scope than regular depression in that it can be cyclic in nature. I go through the depressed phases at least once every three months, depressions that I fight through for weeks at a time, even on meds, even with therapy. Crying jags and the need to pull back from everyone, everything. Only words keep me sane and they don't work that well most times because I don't work that well.

Blinks

For those of you dealing with the isolation, the despair, the inability to force yourself out of bed, out of the house, into a shower, into another's presence I say to you: it gets better. Even when you don't think it does, it gets better. And talk. Talk about the way you feel: with your therapist, the person you trust most, even your friends if they know of your struggle. Talk. Do not shut down. Do not hide away,

Reach out. Someone will always reach back.

I ache today... in every way. I cry and try to move along but it is hard. It aches in ways I can not find words for but I am still here. And I know it gets better even with the mood swings, even with the loss of interest. IT gets better It just...I just...today? It does not feel like it.

Stay blessed and please remember, you are not alone.

[Gannameade]

Many Hugs My Wolfling,

No you are NEVER alone.

I am here for you...until!!


Wow!  Thanks Academic for sharing.

I never EVER thought I would be here...in this place!

I never saw myself as that person...that would see myself as that weak person...lacking confidence...insecure and yet at the end of the day...there is no telling what would make you think...feel...wonder about giving up completely!

Keep in mind that the struggle is real...I know!  It is daily...I KNOW!!  Somedays I am good..great even!  Other days...it is a short drop off a bridge or a quick jaunt into traffic.

Do know...you would be missed...for every one person you think you would hurt by giving up or giving in you will actually hurt seven times as many!  Seven times as many people will miss you than you think.
This is NOT to make you or anyone feel bad!  It is just to make you aware.  You truly are known, loved, thought about and considered more than you think you are.  YOU MATTER!  Your thoughts, your presence, your essence.  The very thing that make you...YOU!  Effects someone, so much!  More than you will ever know.  YOU MATTER!

To everyone here...you are loved!  And you MATTER!!

At least to me!  All of you!
Be Blessed.  Hugs!

[AcademicCuriosity9110]

*Hugs Gannameade* I know what that's like. Some days are better than others.

Many times in the past, the thought of what my family would go through has been the only thing that kept me from trying it. My own mom expected a call that I had killed myself constantly. They were concerned I would try again. And they probably wouldn't stop me. They don't believe they have the right to interfere with my decision. My own opinion on that has changed to "Fuck that bullshit. I want to live, and I know you want me to live. You have every right to try to stop me. If I start displaying symptoms of another depressive episode, for fuck's sake, fucking intervene!"

[Remiel]

You know, that reminds me.  When I was in the worst of my depression, I made an appointment with a psychologist.  After a few appointments, I felt like he didn't really understand me, and I wasn't making any progress.  So I asked for a different psychologist at the same facility (because that was what my health insurance would cover).  The second psychologist I talked to was Christian.  And I'm not, so I didn't think he would really understand me either; but one thing he did really, really made an impact.

When I told him that I had purchased the means to kill myself and was very seriously considering doing it, he made me sign a pledge that said if I ever got to that point, I would first check myself into a hospital.  I signed, and even though I had no intention of doing so, it still impressed me that he took me seriously enough to make me sign such a pledge. 

I think that we don't, by nature, really want to die--otherwise we'd just do it.  We want to live, in the same way that a drowning swimmer wants desperately to be saved.   We want for someone to notice us, to say, "I see that you're in a really bad way", even if they don't know what to do to help us.

[AcademicCuriosity9110]

I think that we don't, by nature, really want to die--otherwise we'd just do it.  We want to live, in the same way that a drowning swimmer wants desperately to be saved.   We want for someone to notice us, to say, "I see that you're in a really bad way", even if they don't know what to do to help us.

One of my strongest early memories is when I was seven. I walked up to my mom and said, dead serious, "Two days before my ninth birthday, I'm going to shoot myself." It wasn't until later that I recognized it as a cry for help. At the time, I thought I was just informing her. But it was the part of me that wanted to live screaming for recognition, that something was desperately wrong with me.

[Lassiter]

As a 8 year US Marine veteran, and 14 years as a Firefighter, depression is a serious issue.  I've struggled with it 5 years now, and was admitted to the hospital for suicidal thoughts, it got that bad.  I struggle with it daily, and am glad to see stuff like this floating around.  I've learned a coping mechanism, and that's writing, creating a unique story, as it allows me to not be inside my own mind.  I don't talk about myself but this last year, well it's gotten me to open up more.  And talk about my experiences and research bipolar depression, it's like being on a carousel, and it's on fire.  I will admit years ago I would have never admitted myself to the hospital, I can't say what's changed other than the fact that, there was that one particular low point in my life, where I no longer cared about what happened to me.  The days still fluctuate, but time goes on, one step at a time.  Anyways, thank you for letting me post this here. 

Semper Fidelis!

[AcademicCuriosity9110]

As a 8 year US Marine veteran, and 14 years as a Firefighter, depression is a serious issue.  I've struggled with it 5 years now, and was admitted to the hospital for suicidal thoughts, it got that bad.  I struggle with it daily, and am glad to see stuff like this floating around.  I've learned a coping mechanism, and that's writing, creating a unique story, as it allows me to not be inside my own mind.  I don't talk about myself but this last year, well it's gotten me to open up more.  And talk about my experiences and research bipolar depression, it's like being on a carousel, and it's on fire.  I will admit years ago I would have never admitted myself to the hospital, I can't say what's changed other than the fact that, there was that one particular low point in my life, where I no longer cared about what happened to me.  The days still fluctuate, but time goes on, one step at a time.  Anyways, thank you for letting me post this here. 

Semper Fidelis!

Thank you for sharing, sir. And thank you for your service. I understand what you mean about how something like just hitting that one particular low point can be the impetus to seek hospitalization for help. For me, it was my last suicide attempt. I put a bullet through my neck, for fuck's sake. There was obviously a very serious problem in my head and I needed help or I was going to try again and I didn't want to do that because I wanted to live. It made me realize I needed medication to keep the depression in check.

[Remiel]

There was obviously a very serious problem in my head and I needed help or I was going to try again and I didn't want to do that because I wanted to live. It made me realize I needed medication to keep the depression in check.

This is probably my biggest complaint, that this stigma still exists in our culture.  When we suffer from, say, acid reflux or irregular heartbeat or even just a bacterial infection, we think nothing of going to the doctor and being prescribed drugs for that condition, and yet we resist getting similar treatment for chemical imbalances in our brains.  What makes our brains so special?  They are organs, just like our hearts or our stomachs or our kidneys, and, just like those organs, can have things go wrong from time to time.

[AcademicCuriosity9110]

This is probably my biggest complaint, that this stigma still exists in our culture.  When we suffer from, say, acid reflux or irregular heartbeat or even just a bacterial infection, we think nothing of going to the doctor and being prescribed drugs for that condition, and yet we resist getting similar treatment for chemical imbalances in our brains.  What makes our brains so special?  They are organs, just like our hearts or our stomachs or our kidneys, and, just like those organs, can have things go wrong from time to time.

For me, it was an idea implanted by my father, that I didn't need medication, that using it was a crutch, a sign of weakness and dependency. I thought I could handle it without medication. I wanted to. But now I just want to be stable, and the medication lets me be stable, even happy. I need medication because it is quite literally life or death for me without it.

[Remiel]

So is taking insulin a "crutch" if you are diabetic?  Is taking medication to lower high blood pressure a sign of weakness and dependency?

Sorry if I come across as belligerent or combative; I'm not actually angry, and certainly not at you, AC.   ;)

This is just a sore spot of mine, since it is an attitude I often encounter.  We just don't take mental illness seriously in this country, and it bothers me.