I just found this blog, and tonight I am especially thankful for it.
I've been sitting up unable to sleep for the last few hours just staring at the computer screen. I don't like hearing that other people feel as down as I do on a regular basis, but it is comforting to know that I am not alone.
Its hard for me to remember a time when I was actually happy without it being fake. I am really good at faking happiness. Well, atleast pretending to care at all. Mostly I feel apathy. I feel like I just want to be left alone by everyone, yet at the same time I want to connect with someone. What I wouldn’t give for a few moments where my brain would just shut up.
I want to seem objective, but when my depression hits all bets are off. I do and think stupid things that I don’t realize are irrational at the time. I get nagging feelings of inadequacy. That nothing I do is quite good enough. That I am failing and there is no way out. It is self-perpetuating and only sends my spiraling down and down.
This post is difficult for me to make. I hate looking weak to anyone. I try to go through my day without showing any chinks in my armor. It's hard though. My mom always told me anger was a sign of mental illness, so I tend to keep it to myself instead of expressing it. I got punished for showing anger. It's not healthy. I know it isn't healthy. It's just a hard habit to kick. I may look calm, but at the same time I can just be crying out inside my head.
Right now, I am on the verge of tears, yet to anyone looking I would appear unbothered. I push people who can see through my mask away. I only tend to really talk to people I can either discredit, can't harm me, or I can take down if need be. There is never any trust, and I hate that I can't trust. Ironically, I find men attractive, yet I have trouble trusting guys in particular.
P.S. There is a 50/50 chance this post will be deleted when I wake up tomorrow.