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Author Topic: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View  (Read 101983 times)

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Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #25 on: February 13, 2011, 03:58:41 PM »
Thank you syblwon for finding the courage to reply, it means a lot to all of us that are in the same/similar positions. You are not alone *hugs*

I can't say it is a joyful moment, not being totally alone in this, but it is comforting, knowing I am not so alone. I have a place to come now,
when I am in a low spot.  Anyone here who understands, is more than welcome to PM me. I welcome new friends.

Offline Sandman02

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #26 on: February 13, 2011, 07:23:47 PM »
  It sounds a bit nerdy, but I remember reading up on the theory of relativity while studying Physics and couldn't help but liken it to depression. How a person standing still on a high speed train is going to have a vastly different perception of the world than someone standing still on solid ground (although that person is technically still moving/rotating along with the earth itself). Both observers witness the same act and yet see different things because they each have different "inertial reference frames."

  I came to regard depression as some sort of sickly inertial reference frame. It's not a condition that can be dispelled from laughing at a joke or drinking caffeine or even exercising. It's not even something that you can momentarily escape from by "remembering" how you felt such-and-such days ago when you weren't depressed. Depression is a lens by which you view the world, and nothing can seem to cleanse yourself from that lens except time (at least I haven't been able to willfully take myself out).

  Then again, I don't want to equate myself to those who have it worse than I do. I've never thought of suicide and so I'm mindful of the things I need to be grateful for. Just wanted to give you all my somewhat dorky perspective on the topic :)

Offline ladyelizabeth

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #27 on: February 13, 2011, 07:26:23 PM »
That is actually a good likening Sandman.  Its like our perception of the world is much different.
 
It doesn't matter that you haven't thought of suicide.  We are all on the same wavelength and trust me no one judges based on severity of the case.
 
TY all for the hugs and reassurances.  You have no idea how nice it is to know people understand.

Online Oreo

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #28 on: February 13, 2011, 08:09:56 PM »
I wanted to chime back in after reading through the posts a second time. There are so many varied reasons for depression. I laud those that are struggling through it and see a light at the end of the tunnel. For me it is the opposite. I used to be very outgoing. Even after sixteen years of abusive marriage I snapped back and was fun loving and free. My true depression began with my Meniere's and knowing I would continue to slip further and further into illness. It is a horrible thing to be losing bits of your clarity and nothing you do helps. I began RPing as a means of exercising my mind, but even that is becoming more of a struggle. :P Depressing. I work on keeping a cheerful face, but it is taxing. As horrible as it sounds, there is some comfort in know there are others on E dealing with the same relentless effort to keep their heads above water.

I too am open to PMs if you are having a particularly rough patch or just need to talk.

>_> good analogy Sandman

Offline ladyelizabeth

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #29 on: February 13, 2011, 08:14:09 PM »
Oreo... omg Meniere's?  I don't hear that often.  I too suffer from the disease.  It sucks and it makes you even more depressed I know.  My wishes are with you.  I may see light at the end of the tunnel but I'm no where near it.

Online Oreo

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #30 on: February 13, 2011, 08:29:49 PM »
Oreo... omg Meniere's?  I don't hear that often.  I too suffer from the disease.  It sucks and it makes you even more depressed I know.  My wishes are with you.  I may see light at the end of the tunnel but I'm no where near it.
*hugs* I hope it is so for you. I don't hear it often either.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #31 on: February 14, 2011, 03:18:41 AM »
Wow...thank you so much everyone who has responded since my last post. I've been saying this a lot but I can't stress how much it means and helps to know that there are so many others struggling with this in their own way.

*adds hugs to the growing hugfest*

In my case I've almost always relied on escapism to shrug off the brunt of it.

I do this too. I was not long ago talking about it with someone else. It never makes me feel any better in any way, I usually don't even enjoy what I'm doing but I do it to cope, to block out reality, what's going on around me, my persistent nagging thoughts...well pretty much everything. It's that or I end up curled up in bed wallowing in my depression which, if nothing else, isn't healthy for my kids.

That is a good way of thinking about it Sandman, thanks for your input.

As horrible as it sounds, there is some comfort in know there are others on E dealing with the same relentless effort to keep their heads above water.

I know what you mean. It's a huge relief to find other people and yet I wouldn't wish it on anyone. As syblwon said early, it's not like you can be happy about it...knowing that other people are dealing with it as you know how rough it is...but it is comforting.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Telling Others
« Reply #32 on: February 16, 2011, 04:02:08 AM »
There have been a few times in my life where I have attempted to tell others in my RL about my depression and, until recently, it never really went all that successfully.

The first time was when I first admitted to myself that I had depression, when I first allowed myself to say it out loud. I wasnít at home, I was staying at my grandparents house with my ex-husband and our daughter who was only a few months old at the time. My nan and granddad were away on holiday and I had been swinging in and out of a depressive state for weeks. Going away was supposed to give me a break and cheer me up, but as you all know, itís not that easy.

My ex went out into town for a drink with friends but didnít come back when he was supposed to. He didnít have a key to the house and, as I was in a one of my slumps, the guilt I felt at the idea of going to bed and not letting him in stopped me from doing so. I waited up until the early hours of the morning for him to come in, by which time I had had a lot of time to think and get upset, especially since I was exhausted. I was crying when he came back drunk and by that time I was desperate to get it out. I told him then, perhaps it wasnít the best time, but then I learned later that really no time would be the best time. His exact words were ďYouíll get over itĒ and it was left at that.

I tried to discuss it the next day when he was sober but he was having none of it. He didnít want to know so I continued to bury it deep inside me. I became adept at hiding it from healthcare professionals with their silly little questionnaires that were designed to flag up problems like this for new mums. It was almost too easy to hide every week when I knew the appointment was coming. I would just plaster on a smile, breeze through the questions and go away thinking I was more alone than ever.

A while later I tried to tell my mum. We have always been close and she could always tell when my mood slumped and I withdrew, though she didnít take me seriously. She too batted it off as a bad day, as just my hormones and let it lie. It has only been in the last year, when she saw my grandmother become depressed after her latest operation that I really think she has understood a bit more what it is like. She actually came to me to talk about it as she was worried about her mum and while I didnít want to share or worry her with the darker aspects of my condition, I think it helped her to understand it better, though we havenít spoken of it since and probably wonít again.

So why does this happen? Why is it so difficult for the people around us to accept and understand? I donít think it is just because they donít know from experience what it is like. From what I have seen in my experience I think part of it is their own helplessness and guilt, worry that itís their fault, that they should have done something to stop it happening regardless of the fact that they could not have done anything. I think a lot of people sense it in their loved ones but become scared, they genuinely donít know what to do or how to help. They donít want to make it worse in any way and really don't know how to respond to it. It is a weakness that people don't like to admit their loved ones have since it holds such a stigma to it to so many people.

This then brings me to my third and most successful attempt. It is still in its early stages and only really came about after I started this blog and gained such wonderful support from all you people here, so thank you. I found my courage and told my guy (who Iíve been seeing for around a year and a half) and he dealt with it in just the right way for me. There were no questions from him, no disbelief, he just accepted what I told him and listened and then, when he knew Iíd had enough of talking about it, he just let it go. It is only discussed when I bring it up. When Iím in a dark place he doesnít tell me to snap out of it or expect me to get better right away, he just checks in on me, makes sure Iím getting by and lets me know that heís there if I need him and then lets me deal with it. I expect it is hard for him to do that at times, but it really does help, thereís no pressure and no rush to improve. We both know itís going to happen eventually, we just donít know when.

Telling other people, or attempting to do so is hard and frightening, but itís all about finding the right person(s). They are out there. Unfortunately they donít have big signs over their heads showing you who they are, but there are people that will listen and lend their support just by being there. You guys are some of them and you have helped to really drive that point home to me in this last little while, so thank you again.

~Rhedyn

Offline crystaltears

Re: Telling Others
« Reply #33 on: February 16, 2011, 09:26:06 AM »
Quote
I think a lot of people sense it in their loved ones but become scared, they genuinely donít know what to do or how to help.

That is probably the single statement that sticks with me the most in this entry, Rhedyn. And for me, particularly when I was younger, I had two very similar disbelief reactions. I have ADHD, though over time I've come to learn how to mostly mitigate it (and caffeine helps a lot with focus since the meds for ADHD are just stimulants), but when I was younger any of my peers who saw me having a bad day where I was being 'inattentive' and 'unfocused'... They just assumed I was choosing to be that way. Like every little sound didn't come across to me as magnified to the point that when the rooms were quiet and we were writing (for essays or tests) all I could hear was every tick of the clock and every pencil scraping against the desktops, so overbearing in my mind that I had to reread questions five or six times regularly and couldn't organize my thoughts enough to write a decent essay. Those few who I actually told I had ADHD post-diagnosis would literally say, "Yeah right. You just don't pay attention." And it was a slap in the face.

That was before I got diagnosed with depression, which thankfully my mother understands. She too suffers from depression, so I never had a disbelieving talk with her.. But my guys over the years have had varied reactions, and my friends.. I didn't really tell. There such a strong drive for normalcy, or at least a facade of it.. I learned to lie really well... Which helped convince me the world was full of people who didn't care because I cut myself - I won't go into much detail on this particular point - and people accepted that I'd gotten snagged in a rosebush or in a fight with a cat when they saw them... But I had them so often at that period of my life that... I knew I would not have believed that even if I'd been talking to the world's best liar. And I blamed them even though I was telling the stories. And in retrospect I'm sure some of the people who saw knew something was up, but didn't know how to broach it.

I'll never forget my own reaction when I realized one of my friends in high school had hurt herself. I dragged her to the lady's restroom and looked over her arm. She begged me not to tell anyone because she was a foster child and afraid of the consequences.. And I made her swear she'd call a help line before cleaning the cuts and tearing off the lower two inches or so of my undershirt for the dress uniform I was in. I washed the scrap of cloth too, wrung it out, wrapped it over her arm like a bandage, and she just fell to pieces right then and there. "No one's ever cared before." That was what she said over and over again as she sobbed into my shoulder and thanked me. I don't think I ever told her I did the same thing, but that moment was when I realized that half of the power of my depression (or maybe more) came from feeling like the world at large didn't understand or just didn't care.

The sense of being alone was such an acute pain, such isolation.. And knowing how people did and didn't react to it just reinforced not giving them an honest chance to have a reaction. My lies became better, my burden heavier. I still don't talk about any of this often in real life, particularly the darkest aspects... The cutting, the suicidal thoughts. They're so taboo. Especially the latter. What people don't seem to get about the truly depressed is that suicidal thoughts aren't a cry for attention as much as they are a part of life. There's some disjoint in my mind that makes suicide a logically acceptable consideration, but it still considers the cost.. Which is the pain inflicted on others. The guilt, the hardship... And that cost is what rules it out.. Because the conditions of the moment, while bleak, aren't enough to merit me inflicting that kind of feeling on other people.. even if it would be easier to just stop.

And I'm hesitant to post this with that (the topic of suicide) in it, but I'm going to, because I'm sure that many people who deal with depression can relate to that, and on E - where I've always been open with my thoughts - I refuse to hide behind leaving words unsaid. It's one more part of what depression does to me. One more thing to live with... But how can I expect someone who doesn't go through the cycle to understand? And how can I explain to them that all they have to do is help is just accept that something is wrong with me and that my thoughts and despairs are a part of who I am because I suffer from depression? People want to help, and it hurts them when they can't. That's something I've come to learn time and time again. Iressi is no exception, though his love of me does not end with his inability to help.. It just upsets him because there's nothing he can do to soothe me when the world has grown so black and hopeless.

At any rate, this probably should be a blog entry on its own already and I don't want it to get any longer... So again, thank you Rhedyn, so much for this blog and for our PMs. *Hugs*.  I'm glad you have felt such support here from your responses; I'm sure we all have. I add my name to the list of those whose PM boxes are open to anyone who wants to talk or who needs support. We're not alone, and knowing that is a blessing. :-)

Offline monicaclassycoed

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #34 on: February 16, 2011, 01:02:27 PM »

Thank you Crystaltears. I really appreciate your thoughts about self destruction. I think about it alot, but I know I wont ever do it. I have never told anyone IRL about it because I dont want a fuss made about it. I will say that my brain sees it as a logical solution. In fact I have a hard time understanding those who dont think about it, I think they are out of touch! How strange is that? I will say that coming here to escape reality is a really nice break from RL and I am greatful that I was accepted.

Offline ladyelizabeth

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #35 on: February 16, 2011, 03:02:57 PM »
Crystaltears...
 
I'm going to be honest... most people with depression consider suicide at one point or another.
 
I've considered it several times and even tried it.  I think the biggest problem with the suicide factor is being afraid to discuss it.  Did you know if you are too afraid to admit it can happen then it will happen without you knowing it?
 
Its hard to deal with but its nothing to be ashamed of thinking.  Its a symptom and part of the disease.  Yes I call it a disease.  Its much like HIV or Cancer in that it stays with you forever.  Even if you recover... its always a part of your history.

Offline crystaltears

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #36 on: February 16, 2011, 03:16:31 PM »
monicaclassycoed~ *Hugs* I'm glad you were accepted here too. And I don't think it's all that strange. Iressi and I have had some heated debates about whether or not it should be illegal to drive without your seatbelt on (me saying it should not be) and my view is largely similar... The driver should be able to decide if they want to risk their life or not, simple as that.

ladyelizabeth~ I know most people who suffer depression consider it. I just also know what many non-depressed people (not all, but many) think of those who talk about it. I don't feel unique in that, I just, wanted to put something in writing, because it's a part of what makes Telling Others (Rhedyn's topic) who don't have depression so difficult. It fed into the response her writing drew out of me.

I did consider posting my response with all of the talk of cutting and suicide withdrawn from it, but I decided that there was no reason to edit them out because Rhedyn's blog is about Depression and about dealing with it.. So anyone reading these posts is going to gain more benefit from the full and honest responses than they would from the responses one might give if the conversation were brought up in a less comfortable atmosphere. *Hugs* I'm thankfully not at a place currently where I'm even considering or dwelling on thoughts of suicide save for those involved in this blog and the conversation it's brought about.



Now, I really don't want to hijack the responses here. My own was meant as an expansion upon the aspects of the condition that make it so difficult to talk about with those who don't have it.

Edited for typos.
« Last Edit: February 16, 2011, 04:35:26 PM by crystaltears »

Offline Sandman02

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #37 on: February 16, 2011, 08:39:40 PM »
So anyone reading these posts is going to gain more benefit from the full and honest responses than they would from the responses one might give if the conversation were brought up in a less comfortable atmosphere.
Edited for typos.

  This is increasingly becoming the reason why I come here - it's very cathartic to see such frank and open discussions about something that's difficult to even have an internal dialogue with oneself about. Thanks to everyone who contributed to this post (more meaningfully than I have).

Offline Remiel

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #38 on: February 17, 2011, 01:23:57 PM »
Quote
  It sounds a bit nerdy, but I remember reading up on the theory of relativity while studying Physics and couldn't help but liken it to depression. How a person standing still on a high speed train is going to have a vastly different perception of the world than someone standing still on solid ground (although that person is technically still moving/rotating along with the earth itself). Both observers witness the same act and yet see different things because they each have different "inertial reference frames."

Heh, I like that.  Every so often, perhaps once in a blue moon, I'll have an epiphany, a rare moment when the clouds seem to break and the sun shines through; I'll feel positive, dynamic, energized, like I can do anything I want to do in life if I just work at it hard enough.   And then I'll think to myself--My God! Do other people feel like this all the time?

And then, of course, the moment passes and the clouds roll back in.

Offline crystaltears

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #39 on: February 17, 2011, 01:32:44 PM »
Every so often, perhaps once in a blue moon, I'll have an epiphany, a rare moment when the clouds seem to break and the sun shines through; I'll feel positive, dynamic, energized, like I can do anything I want to do in life if I just work at it hard enough.   And then I'll think to myself--My God! Do other people feel like this all the time?

And then, of course, the moment passes and the clouds roll back in.

That is quite often exactly how I feel.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #40 on: February 17, 2011, 01:42:38 PM »
  This is increasingly becoming the reason why I come here - it's very cathartic to see such frank and open discussions about something that's difficult to even have an internal dialogue with oneself about. Thanks to everyone who contributed to this post (more meaningfully than I have).

And thank you for coming here and contributing at all. Just showing you're there and you understand is meaningful.

I get that too Remiel, usually just for a day or two when I'm suddenly, without warning on top of the world. I get all the ideas that couldn't come through in my slump ploughing into me suddenly and instead of procrastinating I just do. It generally doesn't last for long unfortunately, unless I come completely out of my depression, though recognising when that's happening and when I'm just in the yo-yo phase is another issue entirely (one that hopefully I'm going to write another couple of posts about).

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #41 on: March 06, 2011, 06:35:45 AM »
I can't begin to say how much I hate March. This is the darkest month of all months for me. I can act cheerful, paste a grin on the boards, but inside the hurt brings on such darkness. The alone-ness is getting to me, and though I am not suicidal, sometimes there is that little voice gnawing at me. I am tired, not in the sleepy sense. Tired of living, tired of being an outcast in my own family, tired of being a split personality, tired of people treating me like I am the disease.
Is it okay to just fade away, slip into the void, and die? I suppose not.  :'(

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #42 on: March 07, 2011, 11:15:07 AM »
*hugs Sybl*

Offline Saerrael

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Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #43 on: March 07, 2011, 07:09:43 PM »
I'd just like to add that I'm someone who suffers from chronic depression, as well.
I don't really have anything to add at the moment, though.

Online Athos

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #44 on: March 07, 2011, 07:50:10 PM »
I don't really have much to say, but I know what its like to be alone and I know what its like to feel like nobody understands. So if anyone ever needs someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. :)

Online Oreo

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #45 on: March 08, 2011, 12:51:23 AM »
Rhedyn, it appears you have dragged a fair bunch of us out of the closet. Perhaps this is a good thing. Thank you for the blog and the chance to express what has been hidden within each of us.

*hugs to Saerra and Athos* You are not alone. ♥

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #46 on: March 08, 2011, 03:06:48 AM »
*adds to the hug pile*

Looks like it Oreo, hopefully it is a good thing...it's certainly helped me to know that there are others there to talk to. When I started this blog I wasn't expecting anyone to reply, let alone add their own experiences. I know how hard it is to talk about it and admit it's a part of you. I really hope that, if nothing else, it's helped everyone to feel less alone and to find a connection with someone else who understands in some way.

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #47 on: March 08, 2011, 08:58:57 AM »
*adds to the hug pile*

Looks like it Oreo, hopefully it is a good thing...it's certainly helped me to know that there are others there to talk to. When I started this blog I wasn't expecting anyone to reply, let alone add their own experiences. I know how hard it is to talk about it and admit it's a part of you. I really hope that, if nothing else, it's helped everyone to feel less alone and to find a connection with someone else who understands in some way.

I really really appreciate you for starting this blog Rhedyn,
even though I get to the point I can only share the darkness, I have seen a better day. For the first time in many years, I have a glimmer of hope. I dare not speak of it yet, but something beautiful happened last night, that changed the way things are.
I feel such peace today. I hope it lasts, if not, I know I have you all here to help me again.
I am not alone.. I draw some peace from that too, my arms wish to hug you all.. My heart already does.

Online Athos

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #48 on: March 08, 2011, 03:34:22 PM »
Rhedyn, it appears you have dragged a fair bunch of us out of the closet. Perhaps this is a good thing. Thank you for the blog and the chance to express what has been hidden within each of us.

*hugs to Saerra and Athos* You are not alone. ♥

*hugs back* Thanks Oreo! I'm actually having a pretty good time emotionally at the moment, but the last six months have been pretty challenging. I lost a couple of people I cared about over the summer and then left my job of four years to go back to school and balancing everything in addition to grieving had its difficulties. I feel like I'm through the worst of it, but when I saw this blog I felt it was important to say something. I want to echo Sybl's sentiment and tip my hat to Rhedyn for having the guts to start this and reiterate that I'm here if anyone needs a friendly ear/eyes.

Offline ladyelizabeth

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #49 on: March 08, 2011, 06:07:13 PM »
*hugs to all*  aww we have our own little depression family!!!!!

and no that wasn't sarcastic.  It feels wonderful to know people understand.

I'm going through a change in my life.  I'm fighting depression again.  I have wonderful friends that are helping this time and It's something new.  I have found having people who help and understand is something that helps tremendously. 

I am taking a huge step forward in life and I know that I will have people who are willing to help catch me. 

Thank you all :)