You are either not logged in or not registered with our community. Click here to register.
 
December 07, 2016, 04:30:33 PM

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length

Click here if you are having problems.
Default Wide Screen Beige Lilac Rainbow Black & Blue October Send us your theme!

Hark!  The Herald!
Holiday Issue 2016

Wiki Blogs Dicebot

Author Topic: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View  (Read 101880 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Jated

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #100 on: May 18, 2011, 10:02:55 PM »
Been reading through this whenever I felt low.  I have depression also.  Now I'm all cut up, though, and wanted to say hi and that people can talk to me also.

Guess that's all I have to say on it, I guess...I'm not always very good at talking.
Sometimes, I feel that rambling about, helps to start the flow of conversation.  If you ever need anything, write.  I have always found out that talking does help.  In this case, writing can always help you figure things out. Always feel free to PM me.  *hugs*

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #101 on: May 18, 2011, 10:36:09 PM »
Been reading through this whenever I felt low.  I have depression also.  Now I'm all cut up, though, and wanted to say hi and that people can talk to me also.

Guess that's all I have to say on it, I guess...I'm not always very good at talking.
you know you can also PM me any time AndyZ.. here or on YiM *hugs*

same same with Jated or anyone here :-)

Offline Athos

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #102 on: May 19, 2011, 01:07:02 AM »
I'm not always very good at talking.

I hear you man. I find that talking about myself and/or reaching out to others is one of the hardest things for me to do. If you need anything, give me a shout.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #103 on: May 19, 2011, 03:24:43 AM »
Been reading through this whenever I felt low.  I have depression also.  Now I'm all cut up, though, and wanted to say hi and that people can talk to me also.

Guess that's all I have to say on it, I guess...I'm not always very good at talking.

I echo everything everyone has already offered AndyZ, my PM box is always open if you feel able to talk and have that need to do so.

I'm not that great at talking either, it's why I blog, because it's more like talking to yourself but also opens up the possibility of interaction with others unlike writing in a diary (which I also do). Writing, even if you never share it with anyone has been a big help to me, just to get out what's affecting me. Giving myself that time and energy into writing it and thinking about it helps me to deal with it and move forward a little bit at a time.

Offline AndyZ

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #104 on: May 19, 2011, 08:22:55 AM »
^_^  Thanks all.

Offline Anjasa

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #105 on: May 20, 2011, 05:32:45 PM »
I can't help but always be amazed at the common threads people who suffer from depression share, and how similar the feelings and symptoms are to one another.

For something that makes one feel so isolated and alone and ashamed and dirty, it's just always amazed me at just how untrue that is, which just serves to prove what an excellent liar depression makes of us. To know something rationally (that we are not alone, for instance) is not the same to know it internally during a 'fit' of depression.

I'm pleased to see such a warm and supportive community. No matter where I go online, I'm always disappointed in just how many people I meet that can empathize with mental illness, and yet it fills me with something hopeful, because we're all struggling through the same battle. At least we don't have to fight alone.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #106 on: May 20, 2011, 06:39:35 PM »
Well said Anjasa, I agree completely. No matter how alone we feel during the worst there is always someone out there who understands and is willing to fight it with us. It is both a sad fact that so many have to deal with this and a comfort.

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #107 on: May 20, 2011, 10:00:21 PM »
Well said Anjasa, I agree completely. No matter how alone we feel during the worst there is always someone out there who understands and is willing to fight it with us. It is both a sad fact that so many have to deal with this and a comfort.
I couldn't agree more Rhedyn,
I met some one within the community of E, who is helping  with stuff that gets me down. Helping both me and my split. Not here, but outside of Elliquiy. If it had not been for my joining E! I would never have met him. That in itself makes me believe that everything happens for a reason.

Having all of you for support, and now this.. I am at peace for the first time in a very long time. Hopeful even.

Offline crystaltears

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #108 on: May 20, 2011, 10:23:41 PM »
*Smiles and hugs Sybl.* I'm glad to hear that, Sweet Lady. You're so welcomed here and so loved. I'm glad you came by, and that we've shared the chats we have. Moments.

Welcome Anjasa, to the thread. Hopefully you will be accepted into this warm community. Many of us are open to PMs from others to offer support. To listen. I'm glad you happened by and do agree with the sentiment of what a liar Depression makes us. Good luck with your application.

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #109 on: May 20, 2011, 11:50:40 PM »
*Smiles and hugs Sybl.* I'm glad to hear that, Sweet Lady. You're so welcomed here and so loved. I'm glad you came by, and that we've shared the chats we have. Moments.

thank you my friend *hugs back*  I love our talks too. Those I have met here, have touched me in such a way, it makes me grateful for giving life a chance again.

(welcome also Anjasa, good luck on your approval process)

Offline AndyZ

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #110 on: May 25, 2011, 05:05:29 PM »
I think the thing that hurts more than anything else is that people don't want to hear you talk about suicidal thoughts.

That happens with me a lot.  I try to open up to people I feel close to and too many of them say things like, "Don't even say that, Andy."

That's really the only time I end up feeling truly alone.

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #111 on: May 25, 2011, 05:26:37 PM »
That is so true AndyZ. I have only ever told one person in my RL how bad it has gotten for me at times and whenever I have tried to talk about it I get this look that just says I don't want to hear this, you shouldn't be thinking that let alone saying it. I can understand that it makes people uncomfortable, that they don't know how to react when they're faced with that kind of stark truth, particularly from someone they care about, that they don't know what to say or do to help or make it go away.

Truth is they can't make it go away but just listening goes such a long way to helping. It's feels terrible when you're depressed and finally find the courage to open up /speak /reach out for help only to find that there's no-one there listening, or worse that they hear you but don't really hear you or try to brush it off.

*offers hugs and a friendly ear*

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #112 on: May 25, 2011, 05:59:11 PM »
I think the thing that hurts more than anything else is that people don't want to hear you talk about suicidal thoughts.

That happens with me a lot.  I try to open up to people I feel close to and too many of them say things like, "Don't even say that, Andy."

That's really the only time I end up feeling truly alone.

Andy I know what you mean, really, been there myself, I am only a PM away *hugs*

Offline Athos

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #113 on: May 25, 2011, 08:28:41 PM »
I think the thing that hurts more than anything else is that people don't want to hear you talk about suicidal thoughts.

That happens with me a lot.  I try to open up to people I feel close to and too many of them say things like, "Don't even say that, Andy."

That's really the only time I end up feeling truly alone.

That's very true. I've opened up about having those kinds of thoughts a couple of times in my life and each time it was a disaster.

Online Oreo

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #114 on: May 25, 2011, 10:24:17 PM »
I have to agree, AndyZ. This thread really helped me open up, not only here, but to myself. Helped me face the fact that the feelings were real. I know it is better now to reach out somewhere and give voice to the problem rather than let it eat away at me in silence. I feel better just knowing the support is behind me here; that there are people who know what I am experiencing, understand the fear of sometimes not being in control. *hugs*

Offline Anjasa

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #115 on: May 26, 2011, 05:13:35 AM »
Yea, it's always so disappointing when people speak about knowing suicide victims because it's almost always prefaced with 'Oh, he seems perfectly happy, and he was acting so normal this day, but then to find out he planned it all through, it's so strange.'

If society didn't view mental illness as such a personal failure, then perhaps more lives would be saved from their sorrow.

Offline Night Stalker

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #116 on: May 26, 2011, 08:39:06 AM »
Firstly I would like to apologize for jumping straight into this thread without permission, secondly thank you to all that have posted previously, there are only so many days I can log into Elliquiy and not post here.  Will probably  be made an even bigger laughing stock by admitting what numerous members have already suspected or known.
I suffer from the debilitating mental disorder known as depression, have been diagnosed as having chronic/clinical depression was diagnosed with it nearly 11 yrs ago   not to mention my agoraphobia (fear of being out side  around many people noises and such) my limit is my home so my only way of communicating is with this computer, being a recluse hermit to society is not how i ever envisaged my life to turn out to be like.

No i am not looking for sympathy nor do i want it,  feelings for me arenít even positive  there is nothing that i do  i can actually feel good about, Even writing this up I feel that none of it makes sense but here i am at a site for rping,
Often I wake up wondering why I am still alive why should i be here when there are people far more deserving, I am old ugly worthless piece of indescribable material.   What gets me through each day is one real life friend and my cats. If it was not for them I honestly believe that the numerous attempts to pretty much take my own life would have been successful.

Offline crystaltears

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #117 on: May 26, 2011, 08:52:31 AM »
I don't think you owe an apology, Night Stalker. This thread has been here for us all to talk and share so that we're not suffering alone. So welcome to it. *Offers hugs*



On the topic of suicide and reaching out...

I've talked to.. mainly one person in recent years. Probably a handful throughout my life.. About my suicidal impulses. I won't say thoughts, because it's deeper than that. I can think about injuries I might sustain doing a dangerous activity and it will be just that, thought.. But when it comes to this... It's the nagging feeling of 'I should drive through that barrier' or 'I should just stay in the car with the garage door closed'. Etc.

I don't know how many of you have wandered the net looking for material on the condition that is depression, but I certainly have.. Yesterday I ended up on suicide.com because.. well.. it wasn't a very good day.. And I read the advice given through that site and suicidal.com to those who wish to help... And parts of it rang pretty true to me from my own life experiences.. (Going to quote part of it in a spoiler tag.)

"How to Help - suicidal.com"
Quote
To help is to understand.

A depressed and suicidal person should be treated like someone who is experiencing a health crisis or personal tragedy - such as a heart attack, a car accident, a divorce, or the death of a loved one.

Genuine concern and compassion must be at the forefront of your mind and heart.

    If you do not understand depression and suicidal thoughts
    If you are among those who think it's all in their head
    If you think people who talk about it won't do it
    If you think they are being overly dramatic and can just snap out of it, get a life, get a grip, etc.

...You are not going to be very helpful and may only hurt them.

----------------------------------

You must approach them with the utmost of depth and sincerity.  You must believe that they could die before you see them again.

Quote
If you think they are being overly dramatic and can just snap out of it, get a life, get a grip, etc.

That one in particular is one that weighs on me. It's why I don't reach out to people when I hurt myself. It's why I don't tell the people I love that I'm living with pain and fear. Because I am not being dramatic or seeking attention, and I would never want to be viewed as doing such... And I was. My sisters both accused me of it when I was younger. I think I was fourteen the first time I actually went through with hurting myself, and they both immediately assumed it was just to get attention...

I was also fourteen when I drew blood from the wrist with the dull edge of a seashell during band class, because the world was that dark to me.

I have been fortunate though, in that there are some people I have been able to talk to without them dismissing it or stopping me. The thing that is hardest for them to get seems to be my perspective.. Especially the one I have talked to about it recently.. Because at the worst of times he isn't suicidal. He is depressed right now, but he doesn't have Depression. He can't understand how I can live each day with these looming impulses and thoughts, this dark view of the world...

And of course, I can't fathom what it would be like to live life without ever wanting to hurt myself. What would it be like to go through each day, even the worst of days, and not have to resist the urge to cause injury (or worse) to myself? What would it be like to live and to feel like life was worth continuing? To feel like things will improve instead of constantly feeling like every good thing is transitional and temporary?

I may never know. In my clearest moments I do know that I'm scared for myself and of myself. Because I've come so close to following the impulses. So close that an outside source or factor has been the only thing to stop me. So close that I've said my goodbyes to the ones I love.

I'm curious, since all of those of us who have these thoughts or impulses share a common burden, what is that stops you? That is, if you don't mind my asking.

What is it that stops you from going through with it?

And what is it that stops you from seeking help?

I partially answered the second already.. The fear of the stigma of the disease. But it goes further than that... To the first question there's also, 'I can't afford this right now, because if I f*ck it up I'm going to be way behind on bills.' And guilt over the pain it would bring the ones who would survive me... In no particular order. Sometimes the stigma or the guilt or the financial logic carries no weight and it comes down to a different thread. I suppose it all depends on my circumstances in the moment.

And I feel worse for my financial concerns.. Like they shouldn't factor in to my life or death equation... But they do. And when I'm so close that I've made goodbyes.. That financial logic stops me from dialing 911.. because if I'm institutionalized it will go on my record.. And if it goes on my record then my future employers will know... And obviously when I miss work my current employer will know.. And I have bills to pay.

*Shakes head* At any rate.. I suppose I've rattled off enough for now. I'd be interested in the answers anyone else might offer.. And my PM box is, of course, always open.

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #118 on: May 26, 2011, 12:07:35 PM »
I don't think you owe an apology, Night Stalker. This thread has been here for us all to talk and share so that we're not suffering alone. So welcome to it. *Offers hugs*

On the topic of suicide and reaching out...

I don't know how many of you have wandered the net looking for material on the condition that is depression, but I certainly have..

That one in particular is one that weighs on me. It's why I don't reach out to people when I hurt myself.
assumed it was just to get attention...

I'm curious, since all of those of us who have these thoughts or impulses share a common burden, what is that stops you? That is, if you don't mind my asking.

What is it that stops you from going through with it?

*Shakes head* At any rate.. I suppose I've rattled off enough for now. I'd be interested in the answers anyone else might offer.. And my PM box is, of course, always open.

Welcome NightStalker, as crystaltears pointed out, Rhedyn created this thread, and it is for all of us.

over the years I too have felt the casting down of mainly my siblings, who haven't given a single thought of who I am, let alone 'what' I am. They all are successful in every thing they do, I have struggled.  You get so tired when all they seems to say is get over it, get a second opinion, or, the best one is, quit acting out. I have yet to be invited to any fun things that my siblings get together for, they are too ashamed of me. They don't want me or my split around, so afraid I will spoil their fun.

These are the days when I find out, that yet again I am not wanted, nor good enough to be a part of their stinking lives.

I am at that place today, it is hallow and dark, and I find that no matter what, nothing will change. I am in their eyes a nuisance, and unworthy of bring. So, as crystaltears asked, what stops me from going through with it?

3 reasons actually.

one is if I kill me, I kill my split. (my duo) If I choose suicide, and in doing so, will I murder her too? obvious answer is yes. So instead of being a just another suicide,   I commit murder.  :-\

is my dog, she has been through my darkest times with me, she knows when I am in need of her, even if I don't.

last reason, my deceased brother, he committed suicide when I was too far away miles wise attending school, to be there for him when he needed me most, I live with that guilt. His death tore me up, among many others, I miss him so much, and the pain his death caused, I don't think I could to do that to those, I know for sure really care about me.

I never felt I belonged any where, until I found this post by Rhedyn.

Yet, I am not sure I belong anywhere really.  today, I wish I could vanish, less than a week from our birthday, and it'll be the same as any other (as far as my family is concerned).  I am recognized as being alive existing and she will be tossed aside as usual, yet neither of us will be invited for festivities, that is reserved for my successful siblings, their cruises, their yacht parties..

am I better off? who needs all that. Still the hurt burdens me, deeply. I am sure my split has thoughts of her own...

I have considered, maybe it is way over due to have a dinner party for us both..
 it hurts me particularly, that I in all these years, I too, never thought about her as I do now.. 

Offline phoenyx

  • We are sometimes taken into troubled waters, not to be drowned, but to be cleansed.
  • Lady
  • Enchanter
  • *
  • Join Date: Feb 2011
  • Location: Wandering the Dark, poking into the nooks and crannies...
  • Gender: Female
  • Child of Chaos
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 0
Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #119 on: May 26, 2011, 12:54:40 PM »
As I read through this thread last night and this morn, I warred with myself about making any kind of reply, or stay as I usually do, lurking and reading. As Sybl knows I am a Gemini. One of the traits of the Gemini is the gift of words, yet when it comes to talking about me, how I feel, what I hope and dream, what gets me down, words abandon me. I clam up and retreat. I start to push people away and isolate myself, which makes me more down and anti-social.

I have never been medically diagnosed, but I recognize when I get depressed. I can feel it coming, I am more than aware of what I do to isolate myself, but I canít ever seem to stop myself. My thoughts turn dark and hateful. I have no motivation, no care for myself or others.

I have been depressed for some time now. As I write this I think it hit when I went back to work in March, but I am realizing it has been for even longer now. I am in a difficult and loveless relationship. And I know I need to leave it, but unfortunately, there are circumstances that prevent me from being able to just pick up and walk away. The biggest being finances, as well as the fact that I live in a state with no family and very few friends. I also have two children to think about. I have been homeless before, many times, and I never want to put my children through that.

My work is no longer fun. In fact it has become like a prison for me. It is nothing like last year, and instead of looking forward to going like I did last year, I fight with myself to go in. We are no longer the close knit family like we were last year. We donít even have each otherís backs like is demanded of a high safety critical attraction like ours. Only those few of us still there from last year still have that closeness. But we have dwindled down to a double handful, and we arenít enough to keep the whole Mountain safe and accident free. I have tried to transfer out to someplace else within the park and was basically slapped in the face and written up for cussing while off the clock. And then threatened with one more time will see me terminated.

I try to keep my game face on, a flighty, flirty, air head (no, Iím not blonde), but it grows harder and harder to maintain the illusion. I try to keep people around me who make me laugh, but even they are no longer working, except one I have grown close too. But even that is starting to wear on me. This person has managed to get me to open up about things I wouldnít normally talk about in the least, except to maybe make a flip joke to steer away from the subject. I find myself eagerly looking forward to talking to this person, but I dread it as well. And I find myself even trying to push this person away. I hate myself for it. But this person has managed to somehow worm their way past my walls and find the inner me. Itís kinda scary.

To add to my depression, is the fact that only my youngest is related to my partner. He and his parents both treat my oldest like scum of the earth. Suicide has never been an option for me, even before my children, but it especially not an option now. I am all my children really have. And I refuse to leave them to the hands of my partner and his parents. Ah well. I bull through as I always have, and am working to extract myself from the situations I find myself in. It is slow going though and frustrating.

I think my biggest thing is acceptance. I want those around to accept I get depressed, but donít take it personally if I get pissy and push. Accept it, wait until my frame of mind is slightly less dark and then come back. Accept is as a part of who I am, they donít have to understand, and unhelpful comments like, ďget over it.Ē ďmove on.Ē ďwhatever.Ē are not what I need at these times. They only make me freel more worthless and unacceptable.

Iím sorry to have wrote a virtual book, rambling like I have. I found your Pagan thread Rhedyn, and now this. I like the way you write. It is well thought out and makes me think. Thank you for your words of wisdom. And thank you to everyone else as well.

Offline crystaltears

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #120 on: May 26, 2011, 01:03:20 PM »
I have considered, maybe it is way over due to have a dinner party for us both..
 it hurts me particularly, that I in all these years, I too, never thought about her as I do now.. 


I think the dinner party sounds like a good idea, Sybl. And thanks for answering my questions.

Iím sorry to have wrote a virtual book, rambling like I have. I found your Pagan thread Rhedyn, and now this. I like the way you write. It is well thought out and makes me think. Thank you for your words of wisdom. And thank you to everyone else as well.

On the contrary, thank you for sharing your thoughts, Phoenyx. *Hugs*

Offline phoenyx

  • We are sometimes taken into troubled waters, not to be drowned, but to be cleansed.
  • Lady
  • Enchanter
  • *
  • Join Date: Feb 2011
  • Location: Wandering the Dark, poking into the nooks and crannies...
  • Gender: Female
  • Child of Chaos
  • My Role Play Preferences
  • View My Rolls
  • Referrals: 0
Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #121 on: May 26, 2011, 01:28:21 PM »
<snip>

On the contrary, thank you for sharing your thoughts, Phoenyx. *Hugs*
Thanks Crystaltears *hugs back*

*smiles* i look back and reread and feel like a twit  though. seems i found some words after all.

Offline Night Stalker

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #122 on: May 26, 2011, 10:27:50 PM »
Thank You Crystaltears and Sybl.

Something that I was going to check into an offer I took out from my bank in the event of my own demise, a life insurance policy so to speak.  Not sure if it is still current but anyway the only reason I have not done the deed is because I am a gutless man it seems. 

Yes the stigma of the disease and asking for help can be too much, my doctor was very sympathetic and treated me the best he could. 

Putting up walls as a defense can be a very sharp double edged sword, we may need/want to reach out to someone but fear that if they get close they will only get hurt but by not letting them get close we are still hurting them and ourselves.  A really bad catch 22 that I face all too often.  Been trying to shake it but I guess the years of betrayal are still there biting the surface as a constant reminder of what can happen.



*Offers hugs to those who suffer in the same boat and pm box is always open*

Offline Sybl

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #123 on: May 26, 2011, 10:56:15 PM »
Thank You Crystaltears and Sybl.

Something that I was going to check into an offer I took out from my bank in the event of my own demise, a life insurance policy so to speak.  Not sure if it is still current but anyway the only reason I have not done the deed is because I am a gutless man it seems. 
...

In my opinion it takes great strength to go on another day,  I hardly think you are a gutless  man, NightStalker.

*hugs to you also, my PM box also is ready for you or anyone who suffers depression or needs a listening ear*

Offline RhedynTopic starter

Re: Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View
« Reply #124 on: May 27, 2011, 07:19:02 AM »
Firstly I would like to apologize for jumping straight into this thread without permission, secondly thank you to all that have posted previously, there are only so many days I can log into Elliquiy and not post here.

There is no need to apologize, it's what this thread is here for :-)

Welcome to you and phoenyx, and a big thanks for your input (of course that extends to the rest of you too!)

Something that I was going to check into an offer I took out from my bank in the event of my own demise, a life insurance policy so to speak.  Not sure if it is still current but anyway the only reason I have not done the deed is because I am a gutless man it seems. 

In my opinion it takes great strength to go on another day,  I hardly think you are a gutless  man, NightStalker.

I agree with Sybl. I think it takes far more guts to fight and keep going than give in and let go.

*hugs*

What is it that stops you from going through with it?

And what is it that stops you from seeking help?

I haven't felt suicidal in a long while thank god but when I do the same thing stops me from both doing anything and looking for help; my kids. You would think that they would spur me on to get help but I have this terrible fear that they will be taken away from me and given to my ex or put into care if I admit it. It's one of the main reasons I didn't get help for my post-natal depression after having my daughter. I know because of them and the other people I love and care about that I would never take my own life, I just couldn't bare the thought of putting others through that experience and having to deal with it. Other people are what always keep me going. Even if they have no idea what I'm going through with this knowing I don't want to hurt them keeps me strong.

Iím sorry to have wrote a virtual book, rambling like I have. I found your Pagan thread Rhedyn, and now this. I like the way you write. It is well thought out and makes me think. Thank you for your words of wisdom. And thank you to everyone else as well.

Thank you phoenyx, I'm glad it does. When I started this thread I just wanted to give a voice to what most people don't think about and what many of us who are dealing with this do. I hoped that it would give people food for thought on a taboo topic and I'm so pleased to see the response it has gotten and that people have felt able, in their own time, to come in and talk. It means a lot to me to know that there are others who can relate.