This blog entry's a bit more introspective than most of mine have been, but they come in all flavors, right? I hope someone enjoys the read. *Smiles softly.*
Goodness. I read through my previous blogs today (those that came before Mending Bridges) and it brings a lot of things to mind. I'd already been planning an entry about Growing, about the pain necessary for growth at times... And the difficulty of facing the fact that you need to grow... And it's kind of a strange thing to look back at the past while in the process of changing and moving forward.
At the very least I can say I see wisdom in my older entries, and some comical value.. The latter particularly in that I was twenty-two and writing about years rolling away. *Chuckles softly.* I know that entry was more addressing feeling like a child again, around the age of six or seven, but it's still comical to read it. I wonder in passing if I offended anyone who was my senior at the time of the writing by indirectly calling them old (I apologize if so).
But I suppose the reason for mentioning all of the above is to emphasize a point... I've been mature my entire life. I was closer friends with my second grade teacher than my classmates. Mom routinely received phone calls about how delightful I was to have in classes. Some other things regarding maturity of a more physical nature happened much earlier than they should have (something I once regretted deeply, but I suppose I might not be me today if they hadn't... And for the most part I like myself these days). Between those things and my generally accepting and open-minded views of the world we got the same feedback time and time again from school: Mature, mature, mature... Wise. Patient...
So the kicker came in realizing that despite all this rumored maturity, wisdom, and patience... I had/have growing up to do. *Sighs a very long sigh*. There's pain in that. In knowing it, in facing it, in accepting that it is time to change. One step in the process was facing recent fears of confrontation with maturity and grace (at least I like to think there was grace on my part). A further step is finding myself again.
I'm on the verge of it. I know it... I can feel old calls to things I've long abandoned and new inspiration and understanding... But it requires changing.. And changing hurts. Thus this blog entry. A testament to things I know and to things I'm going to let myself know in the future... by changing.
Being human entitles anyone to offer advice on growth, because all humans go through it. We learn, we desire, we adapt, we achieve, and we simply are. Each of us has a different road behind them, but we're connected in some things. In interests, pastimes, expressions, aspirations.. In life. And what is life without growth?
I would not be here today if not for the events in my past. I hold a steady job. I work five days a week barring those with holidays or sick time. I pay my own way. I've carved a corner out of this large world for myself.. And in doing so I've also had the opportunity to learn just how small this world really can be... and how daunting.
Fear plays into my willingness (or lack thereof) to accept change. Fear of loss primarily, but also of settling. If what I have now is better than what I would have moving forward, I don't want to lose it... But if I live my life by that I'll never, ever know what the future could hold.. And what a shame that would be.
Yet standing halfway through a change in who I am, knowing that I'm adapting to where life has brought me, is a hard place to be. I see what I had before, and the allure of it is strong. It's security. Security in that I was relatively happy then. I was relatively safe... But relativity shouldn't be involved in a person's relationship with theirself. They should be able to be happy with who they are while knowing that they aren't perfect... in theory.
I suppose it might be a high standard to hold myself to, but it's just time to move forward.. And doing that will mean leaving some things behind. Parts of what was will still remain in ways, but new will be brought in as well, and in the end I'll be better for the growth.. No matter how much it might hurt to let go of what was secure in my past.
The key to getting there must be in letting go.