"donwtime" in vampire requiem game also includes small bit of back story

[roket pencil]

hey guys just wanted to get your thoughts on my donwtime story for my WoD roleplay its not inshed yet but i was wondering if you coould give me some pointers (sorry if this is in wrong are wasnt sure were to post it



100 years earlier
"blessed be thy children for the light of god shall reach into your chests and embrace your heart for this is your time to rise up to his side and take your rightful place next to him on his altar of superiority and for your sacrifice you will again more knowledge than you can ever imagine"

one girl looked up at the eloquently dressed man with awe she was completely entranced by his captive speech, he wore a robe of pure red silk which seemed to flow when he spoke his eyes a light azure sky blue and his pale skin was without imperfections she did not realise everyone else had got to their feat she started walking along with the others her white long gown flowing behind her she followed the other women in their similar clothing towards the altar she watched as he passed them each a goblet of dark thick liquid she got up to the altar it was her turn.
"drink my child for this will be your awakening"
his sire looked at the girl with a shocked expression
she drank the liquid
"thank you for this gift may we all be accepted into the great gods arms"
the girl hadn't even noticed the sire drawing his sword and running towards her as the beautiful figure suddenly had a confused expression on his face his sire swung his blade the girl couldn't move her shock at the speed in which he had come for her was supernaturally fast her eyes closed when she heard  a loud clash she opened her eyes and saw a women of a similar age with short black hair
wearing a red tunic and leather trouser wielding a long dagger was in front of her she looked at the figure and saw a determined look on her face
"what are you trying to accomplish here deagotra these girls your new food source are they well I'm afraid your stomach has become too big for my liking  so I will have to eradicate you right here and now were has your master gone now abandoning you as usual hmm?
the girl had stepped back away not knowing what to do she looked at the other girls they had all fallen over on the floor not one was standing she turned to leave but saw the beautifully horrific figure move in the dark but something was different he had giant claws growing out of his hands she saw he was heading for the girl and suddenly felt a huge pain sear through her body as it felt her blood was starting to boil her vision went red as blood seeped through her eyes she caught a glimpse of the mystery woman feint an attack and slash then stab the sire right through the chest as he crumbled to the floor so did she.
current day
the roads were clear so Svetlana opened up the throttle of the Chevy chevelle and sped quickly along the dimly lit roads she glanced out the window to see a rather large wolf figure run through the alleyways glancing in her direction she wound down the window and nodded at the creature and sped towards her destination as the wolf disappeared she stopped outside the west of town train station she took out a mug of coffee and handed it to an approaching hand as a man with rough beard and denim cut off jeans emerged out of a near alleyway.
"what are you doing here at this time of the night you'll only just make it home in time for sun up "
"well then the night time will have to wait for there are business that needs to be attend to"
"you are a strange one Sveta"
The young girl looked devilishly at the wolf kin then laughed garishly
"so do you change when there is a full moon mister wolf man"
the wolf kin smiled
"no Sveta I transform when evil is trying to tease my fair maiden away from me"
"that doesn't make any sense" Sveta said smiling
"no no it doesn't"  the wolf kin said sipping his coffee
"her train will be her soon Vanko I would appreciate it if you were not in close proximity until I have explained the situation" Sveta glanced and the rugged looking as he glanced back at her the n growled something eligible
don't make it seem like you want to meet her and welcome her to this city I know you are purely here to see her weakness after all these times you still don't trust us do you
"I will always trust you Sveta, just not what you are" as the words left his lips so did he becoming one with the shadows as the train entered the station,
"silly fool" Sveta smiled as the crowds of people emerged from the train
"let us see how you have grown" Sveta said with anticipation as she noticed a gliding figure emerge from the second carriage she was an average height girl with long flowing dark red hair and wearing a hooded jacket and a mid length skirt as she stepped down from the carriage she turned and spoke to a young fellow Sveta stared straight into the eyes of the young man and saw his aura a vibrant crimson the colour of lust and obscenity she glared directly at I'm and he saw her gaze and blushed and hurried away without saying another word to the young looking girl. the young girl turned around as Sveta leaned thought the window and activated the cars horn everyone on the platform turned around the girl had seen Sveta and waved Sveta tapped her wrist and pointed to the sky
the young girl looked distressed and ran over to Sveta with unnatural power
" you know you should try and play down your speed in well crowded areas that wasn't very thoughtful you know" the young girls face was full of sadness when Sveta's thrown turned into a smirk.
the young girl jumped into Sveta's arms Sveta wrapped her arms around the girl's body encasing her with passion and remembered something she had not felt for a very long time
"welcome to your home Lana"
"Its been far too long that's for sure" she hugged Sveta even tighter then looked over her shoulder to the horizon then to Sveta's car "I completely forgot the time are you sure your car can get us there fast enough " Lana said with a childish grin "I doesn't look like very good car"
Sveta looked at the floor and shook her head
"are you mocking me/ Well then I'll just have to show you " Sveta's face was full with a lustful look
they both got in the car as Sveta started the engine the V8 engine started up with a low thrumming sound she slowly pulled away from the station her eyes widened as she gripped the steering wheel and started to accelerate
"now you'll see what master craftsmanship can get you" Sveta gunned the throttle as the shot through the town going sideways round corners racing the one thing they feared the most at that time of the night
Sunrise.
they reached the order of dracul safe haven when Sveta saw a figure she knew rather well
"good morning Roufon how has your book hunt been going
Roufon grumbled as he looked up to see Sveta and Lana getting out of the car
"I cant believe those idiots actually lost that damn book those futile idiots well next time they ask for help I will purely slam the door in their face, but anyway is this Lana ?
"yes its nice to meet you  you're Roufon if I'm not mistaken we have met before once about 20 years ago at that ball in gervaiona's reception"
oh yes I recall now I got very angry with the waiter for spilling blood on a very precious manuscript if I remember correctly
Lana giggled "yes you got thrown out by the bouncers it was rather funny"
"well that would have been something to see " Sveta said glancing at her watch
"yes time for bed I think call on me if you need any assistance or help"
Sveta started to walk away with a swish of the hand as a gesture of farewell s Lana bid Roufon goodnight she steeped in behind Sveta as they walked through the order of Dracul dorms and safe  havens they went into an elevator passing the odd passer by the order of Dracul's safe haven was not anything particularly special there had just been a renovation upgrading things that were not necessary really considering the occupants of the building but they added a nice touch there were pictures of elders and framed manuscripts on the walls as they stepped of the elevator into a corridor with much more archaic aesthetic including button pressed leather walls and marble flooring
"is this where you live?" Lana said in awe
"I am afraid not we have com e here to drop something off for a"
Sveta considered her next words carefully
"benefactor of mine"
they stepped into a dimly lit office with a decor that was minimalistic but comfortable with the only resemblance of its occupant a single sword encased in a glass case with an archaic language describing its history and in Latin the words "thirsting edge" there was a young girl of the age of what would look like 16 sitting in  a chair with her face in a book who looks up towards the two woman who approached her
"so This is Lana you certainly are shorter than I expected" Lana  was shocked at the little girls bluntness as the girl saw this she grinned showing her teeth in a wide grin she put down her book and in one fluid movement sat on her desk with her legs dangling over the edge
"Sveta I am glad you could come on such short notice do you know who I am?"
"if I am correct you are princess sarha of the far east and known as the "blood bear" to those who fear you"

"you are well informed Sveta but I haven't come to talk about me I have something to ask of you it is about the disappearance of  certain object that I cherish and I would like you to find it for me
"may I ask what it I" Sveta asked cagily
"why of course its a small silver medallion it has been passed down from kin to kin in my bloodline ever since it was formed it is of no great value to anyone except myself"
"I will need access to where it was stolen from"
indeed you will here is the keys to my apartment  on Ridgeway avenue number 5 you must find it and I will reward you greatly"

Sveta nodded curtsied then left the room as Lana followed her Sveta put her hand in her coat and looked around with eyes of pure concentration
"what's wrong Svet-"
Sveta cut her off before she could finish as they got in the elevator
"that girl is thought to be older than many of the elders in this here house at any one time and is thought to be able to take out those elders very easily so right now I am quite glad she seemed to like us or at least appreciate us but we are not out of the woods yet"
for the rest of the wait in the elevator there was nothing but silence the phrase cutting the tension with a knife paled into comparison as they stepped of the elevator they took a right turn and headed up towards apartment 34
"we'll investigate at dusk when the sun has gone but we must be careful for this could very well be a trap"
Lana nodded as Sveta opened the door to the apartment
inside the apartment was a modern with an archaic twist apartment the kitchen had been turned into a workshop littered with blueprints and ammo casing as well as parts of carburettors and a hefty looking crossbow dismantled and put tidily into separate pieces in the lounge there was a single sofa and a medium sized TV the walls had different types of model guns ranging from old flintlock pistols to Russian pistols there was a collection of knives with a picture of seven young girls all in a salute wearing Russian military gear next to seven "dog tags"
"so this is your home"
"yes I know its a mess but I am very busy now a days
"I like it a lot it reminds me of you which is what I have been missing for such a long time"
Lana moved closer to Sveta and leaned on her shoulders Sveta closed her eyes and leaned into Lana they both smiled at each other
"you look like you need some blood when did you last drink?"
"you're right it has been quite some time"
"don't worry I'll call room service " Sveta grinned as Lana gently pushed her and went into the bedroom the bedroom had a similar minimalistic decoration but instead of guns had been replace with pictures of Sveta's car when she took it to the mountains of Italy that was a long time ago when they last met there was several pictures of Sveta lying on the car bonnet of looking the valley leading down to Rome dreaming of past times form long ago Lana snapped out of her trance when a gentle knock came to the door
"is that your room service?"
"I'll just make sure " Lana heard the sound of a gun being cocked
"who is it its your room service Sveta and next time don't call so late this is the last one she's still drugged but it'll wear off soon so you're lucky "
"thank you George" Sveta opened the door and took the girl from a big black man with golden teeth and a Bluetooth headset on she closed the door and laid the girl on the sofa she was a short pretty girl of about the age of 18 Sveta closed her eyes as she listened to the girls heartbeat she could hear the slow flutter of a drugged girls heart she and in to the girls face to study her as she looked over the girl she saw the typical girl that walked the streets nowadays going out getting drunk and sleeping with any guy with a half decent pickup line and enough money to keep the drink flowing as Sveta was studying the girl Lana came round the corner in a loose lace night dress perfectly caressing her exquisite figure the dress drooped over her half naked body as she flowed over the room she pecked Sveta lightly on the lips then slowly hovered her hands over her chest and lingered over her jackets zipper
" I've missed you

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[Jude]

It's hard to read without proper punctuation and capitalization.

[roket pencil]

oh damn um this is the wrong one uh oh



:O

i've dleted the non draft ne thisis the draft without proper punctuation

*face palm*

that was stupid

well i'll have to puctuate another time now damn
but anyway how do you think of it at the moment