, the Scottish brewing company that has become infamous for both its extreme beers and extreme eccentricity, may have finally found a solution for the age-old plague upon drinkers known colloquially as "drunk dick". For millennia, this problem has afflicted lushes whose blood ran hot with both lust and liquor. Even Jesus himself complained of this problem in the famous quote "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" (Matthew 26:41 KJV).
Luckily for us, Scottish ingenuity has triumphed once again. Brewdog's previous creations include a 55% beer that was bottled in taxidermied squirrels
and Tactical Nuclear Penguin, a 32% beer that is frozen for 3 weeks at an ice cream factory resulting in one of the world's strongest beers. Now comes "Royal Virility Performance
", brewed with Viagra and other aphrodisiacs including horny goat weed and chocolate. The addition of chocolate to an India Pale Ale sounds rather dubious, but this is Brewdog-- traditional brewing is hardly their forte. Drinking three of the 7.5% ABV beers is apparently the equivalent of taking 1 standard dosage of Viagra, the drug from Pfizer that for thirteen years has been used to treat erectile dysfunction in men.
The strange name of this new beer stems from the fact it is intended to celebrate* the impending royal marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton on April 29th, 2011. A bottle has already been sent to Prince William for him to crack open on his wedding night, leaving only 999 from the initial batch. More will be made for mass-market distribution if the beer proves to be a success. All proceeds from the initial batch will be donated to Centrepoint
, a Prince William-support charity that helps provide assistance to young homeless people in the United Kingdom. Apparently, even the outlandish drunkards at Brewdog have a heart.
*James Watt, "Head of Stuff" at Brewdog, has been quoted as saying "this about consummation, not commemoration, so we hope he gets it". As for what Watt meant by "it", readers will have to use their own discretion. Unnamed sources at Brewdog have also claimed that each bottle will be fitted into a sheepskin bottle cozy with an extra strength reservoir tip to handle any premature overcarbonation. As of press time, only the bottle sent to Prince William was confirmed to be outfitted as such.
Bottles of Royal Virility Performance can currently be purchased from Brewdog's website for 10 euros each (about 14.4 dollars). The specific page can be found here
.Paradox General's Warning:
If you have an erection for over four hours while fantasizing about this beer, please contact your doctor and/or significant other.