Oh, man. That USA game was rough on my coffee table. Every time the US just barely managed to miss a great opportunity, or let a Slovenian through, or especially when that perfectly legitimate goal was annulled on account of referee stupidity, I slammed it with my beer. Anyway, here's how I picture the game went down:
USA Coach Bob Bradley (1st minute): Okay, you guys. Go out there and...don't suck. Or something.
USA players (1st minute): Okay!
USA Coach Bob Bradley (13'): ....dammit.
Valter Birsa (Slovenia) (14'): I look like bad guy from Charlie's Angels.
Robbie Findley (USA) (23'): Hey, are we the guys in white or the guys in blue? I forget.
Jozy Altidore (USA) (35'): Hey, look, mom! I'm on TV! Huh...I can't help feeling like I'm supposed to be doing something.
Zlatan Ljubijankic (Slovenia) (42'): I make goal like Slovenia make...whatever the hell we make.
Clint Dempsey (USA) (42'): Where is Slovenia, anyway?
Zlatan Ljubijankic (Slovenia) (42'): I do not know.
USA Coach Bob Bradley (halftime): I think you guys misunderstood me. I said DON'T suck.
USA players (haltime): Ohhhhhhhhhh!
USA Coach Bob Bradley (halftime): Honestly, if you guys tried as hard as you sucked, you'd be great.
Michael Bradley (halftime): Don't worry, dad. I'll do it. I'll get a goal. And then I won't be a disappointment. I'll finally earn your love.
Landon Donovan (USA) (48'): Fuck you guys and fuck this. I'm doing this all by myself.
Jozy Altidore (USA) (48'): So THAT'S how you make a goal.
Aleksandar RADOSAVLJEVIC (Slovenia) (54'): In Soviet Slovenia, Yellow card gets YOU!
Michael Bradley (USA) (82'): I did it! I did it! I saved us! Are you proud of me now, dad? Do you love me now? Why won't you love me?
Maurice Edu (USA) (85'): Booyah.
Referree Koman Coulibaly (Mali): GOOOOOO-- oh, wait. I just remembered I have money riding on Slovenia. I mean, OFFSIDES!
Maurice Edu (USA) (85'): Booyah?
USA Coach Bob Bradley (94'): See, this is what happens when you guys don't suck. Next time, let's try it in the first half.
USA players (94'): Ohhhhhhhhh!
Michael Bradley (94'): Why won't you love me?