The only way out is through.

[grdell]

The only way out is through.

As cliche as it sounds, I had something of an epiphany last night.

But before I tell you about that, you must understand a few things about me first. I am highly introspective, for one. I constantly examine myself and my motivations. And one of the things that I understand about myself is that I tend to avoid things I don't want to face up to. Conflict, unpleasant tasks, stress-inducing things all get avoided rather than confronted and dealt with.

This is bad.

Duh.

About ten years ago, I had so much stress building up from so many different fronts that I could no longer effectively avoid everything. So what did I do? I moved to another state and got all new friends. Apart from suicide, pretty much the highest form of avoidance I could muster. Pretty damn sad, wasn't it? Yeah, I know. And, as some of you may know who have looked at my A&A thread, it's getting pretty bad again. But things are different this time around. Not only am I ten years older (and hopefully a little wiser for the wear), but there are other external factors making it a good deal harder for me to make the decision to just cut all ties and move again.

Is it pretty goddamn sad that it took external pressures for me to see something looming in front of me the whole time? Yes, yes it is.

So I was forced to turn around and at least look at my problems to try to come up with some way to overcome at least some of them. I was forced to think about how to actually deal with some of these things instead of just ignoring and avoiding them. It was hard. I won't lie to you - it was really hard. It went against a lifetime's habit of turning away. But I did it anyway. And I realized something...

The only way out is through.

Looking at all of my stress factors from the point of view of how to overcome them instead of how to avoid them, my path ahead was clear and simple. Not easy - never easy. But at least manageable. I knew, as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling in the semidarkness, exactly what I had to do. It will be a hard journey - I know that - but at least the path is apparent to me now. Strange how clear everything became when I actually looked at it instead of trying to hide from it.

And you know what else? My chronic indigestion is not quite so bad today. My jaw is more relaxed (I usually store tension in my jaw). My mood is noticeably better.

The only way out is through.

Weird how these things just come to you. But I am grateful - oh, so grateful! - that this one did. I will do my very best to apply myself to making it happen, though I make no promises. But that old Chinese saying couldn't be more right: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step."

I'm going to think positive. I'm going to force myself to, if I have to. And I will do it. I'll make things better by not avoiding them any longer.

The only way out is through.

Amen.