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Author Topic: Cat Bathing. How it probably needs to be done. :D  (Read 749 times)

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Offline PaladinTopic starter

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Cat Bathing. How it probably needs to be done. :D
« on: May 29, 2010, 04:18:32 PM »
Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk, dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odours that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

-----Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

-----Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

-----Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

-----Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

-----Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

-----Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

-----Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

Offline Serephino

Re: Cat Bathing. How it probably needs to be done. :D
« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2010, 08:44:54 PM »
That was hilarious, though there was probably some truth to it.  What we did was expose her to water as a kitten when she was a lot smaller and easier to handle.  We did it often, and while her cries would make a passer by think we're trying to kill her, she does hold still because she's learned resistance is futile. 

Offline PaladinTopic starter

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Re: Cat Bathing. How it probably needs to be done. :D
« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2010, 08:54:40 PM »
Well that was sent to me by a friend, but I have 2 cats one will scream and struggle for 2 minutes then just go limp and give up, the other I won't go near without a second person to help me out.

Offline Oniya

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Re: Cat Bathing. How it probably needs to be done. :D
« Reply #3 on: May 29, 2010, 08:57:16 PM »
While we're at it, cat owners should be aware of the following useful information:

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
IN TWENTY EASY STEPS

   1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.

   2. With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

   3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

   4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.

   5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.

   6. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

   7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

   8. Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

   9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

  12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.

  13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.

  14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

  15. Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.

  16. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.

  17. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).

  18. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.

  19. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.

  20. Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Offline PaladinTopic starter

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Re: Cat Bathing. How it probably needs to be done. :D
« Reply #4 on: May 29, 2010, 09:03:01 PM »
*Laughs uncontrolably*

Offline Beguile's Mistress

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Re: Cat Bathing. How it probably needs to be done. :D
« Reply #5 on: May 29, 2010, 09:18:03 PM »
I love both of those.  They get funnier every time you read them.

My cat had been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and required a pill twice a day for ever.  Since this is a cat who hated to be touched but liked tuna I crushed the pill and mixed it into half a teaspoon of tuna.  This was vet approved.  Both the cat and I survived with our sanity intact.

Offline Nim

Re: Cat Bathing. How it probably needs to be done. :D
« Reply #6 on: May 29, 2010, 09:19:57 PM »
Sounds very much like bathing a 4 year old and 2 year old daughter.   Same battle gear required for giving baths adding only jock cup to protect from those swift kicks when said children are picked up to go into the bath tub.

Offline Trouble

Re: Cat Bathing. How it probably needs to be done. :D
« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2010, 08:30:51 PM »
Man, I'm so glad that none of my kitties require baths. They can stink all they want, since we can't smell them over the dog's stench.

But the pills... yes, that is so true. :< It turns out that liquid medications are little better, since they tend to result in what can be politely called a 'cat volcano' as the feline spews it all over your nice new blanket.

Offline Callie Del Noire

Re: Cat Bathing. How it probably needs to be done. :D
« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2010, 08:43:06 PM »
Oh come on.. you know if you're doing ANYTHING the cat would possibly dislike, you use old worn items. A new blanket is like waving a red flag in front of a bull (or a spending bill in front of a fiscal conservative), you are just ASKING for trouble.

Offline Trouble

Re: Cat Bathing. How it probably needs to be done. :D
« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2010, 08:52:06 PM »
Oh, of course. I used an old towel to restrain her. The nice new blanket was on my bed. The cat was on the ground.

I just didn't realize she would projectile vomit.

And that she could aim.

Offline Callie Del Noire

Re: Cat Bathing. How it probably needs to be done. :D
« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2010, 08:54:32 PM »
There you go.. that is why you do it in the laundry room (with the door shut)  and prepare for ricocheting cat. 

Offline Trouble

Re: Cat Bathing. How it probably needs to be done. :D
« Reply #11 on: June 04, 2010, 11:44:27 PM »
-has no door on the laundry room- :<

Yeah. From now on, all medicating happens in the bathroom. At least then the clean-up is easy.

Now, I'd like to see a guide on getting a cat into a carrier.

Offline Saerrael

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Re: Cat Bathing. How it probably needs to be done. :D
« Reply #12 on: June 04, 2010, 11:48:41 PM »
While we're at it, cat owners should be aware of the following useful information:

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
IN TWENTY EASY STEPS



HAHAHAHAHAH!

I think I just awoken the neighbours.

Normally, when my cats need a pill, I just plant them between my thighs firmly, hold the head in one hand, a finger each side of the jaw to keep it open, toss the pill in, shut the jaw and massage the throat. Works wonders.
I don't bathe my cats, they are more then able to keep themselves clean.

Offline Oniya

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Re: Cat Bathing. How it probably needs to be done. :D
« Reply #13 on: June 05, 2010, 12:16:38 AM »
-has no door on the laundry room- :<

Yeah. From now on, all medicating happens in the bathroom. At least then the clean-up is easy.

Now, I'd like to see a guide on getting a cat into a carrier.


There's always this method:
http://redneckhumor.com/2009/01/redneck-cat-carrier/