t was just another typical day in Town City. Blacksmiths were blacksmithing, bakers were baking, tanners were tanning, hoopers were hooping, hostlers were...hostling, and whores were whoring. The Questgivers' Tavern, the largest such establishment for miles around, was doing a brisk and lucrative business. And in a certain section of the Town City Town Square known as Idiots' Corner--due to the traditional practice of allowing any idiot with an opinion and a soapbox to stand on one and spout the other with great enthusiasm and sincerity (often to the general amusement and delight of his audience, who always looked forward to the opportunity to practice their tomato-lobbing and rotten egg-throwing skills) --there was indeed the usual collection of idiots.
One man, however, was brave enough to, well, brave the tomatoes and rotten eggs of democratic criticism. One man dared to draw attention to the great evil that was brewing just beyond the far horizon. One man had the guts to stand up for Truth, Justice, and the Player Character Way.
That man was Sir Reginald Percival Fairweather the Third.
"Good citizens of Town City!" he cried. "Give me your ears! For life as we know it, nay, all life in our beloved homeland of Generica, is in grave peril! For I know of a force most wicked and depravéd, a force which is all the more insidious because it cannot be seen, cannot be touched, smelt, heard, or tasted! It is a force, indeed, made all the more dire by its very absence! And if it is not stopped, it will be the end of the world!"
In the subsequent pause, birdsong wafted liltingly from a nearby tree. The sound of commerce and city life continued, quite unabated. The earth quite failed to rip open, fire inexplicably didn't pour down from the heavens, and Death and Destruction completely and utterly failed to rule the land.
Instead, a small child of indeterminate sex simply stared at Sir Fairweather, its mouth open, as it carefully excavated a nostril with a grubby finger.
The speaker sighed. As usual, no one in Town City appeared to take him seriously.
But someone in the crowd was listening. Someone believed him. Someone would join Sir Reginald Percival Fairweather on his grand adventures, facing danger and excitement and danger and mortal peril and danger and treasure and danger and the occasional dragon. Also, transvestite dwarves.
Could that someone be... you?
If you can't tell by now, this is intended to be both a fantasy-themed quest-based group game and a satire
of a fantasy-themed quest-based group game, in the fashion of The Princess Bride, Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail, Order of the Stick
, 8-bit Theater
, and pretty much anything ever written by Terry Pratchett. It's intended to be tongue-in-cheek, simultaneously silly and satirical (whew! Say that three times fast!), but most of all, it's intended to be fun. I'm looking for players who are intelligent, articulate, and possibly verbose; but most importantly, they should have a wacky sense of humour. Among the first few missions that I imagine the group will undertake will be to rescue a beautiful dragon from a fearsome princess. Yes, you heard me right--rescue a beautiful dragon
from a fearsome princess
. If the concept tickles you, you just might have what it takes to join the Increasingly Improbable Adventures of Sir Reginald Percival Fairweather III.
Because this is going to be, whatever else it is, a Role-Playing Game, it's going to include (gasp!) numbers, in the form of basic attributes. Because I want it to be primarily driven by the mutual creativity and humour of the players, as opposed to by relentless number-crunching, I've decided to keep it as simple as possible, and thus come up with my own sort of homebrew mechanic. The primary reason for this is so that we'll get to see what hilarity ensues when something goes terribly wrong (or when something goes terribly right
But we'll get to that in a moment. If interested, please create a character profile, using the following template:Character CreationName:
Item of Importance:
Wait a second. What does that all mean?Name
. Let's be honest, shall we? If, at this point, you don't know what your name is, you might want to ask yourself: were you dropped on your head a lot as a baby? Or do you have a suspicious lump of scar tissue on your head, possibly in the shape of the fist of that berserker troll whose girlfriend you insulted? If so, let's just call you Bob and move on. Occupation
. Skip this for now. We'll come back to it in a bit.Species
. As in, are you a human, dwarf, gnome, halfling, elf, dark elf, wood elf, high elf, low elf, swamp elf, Santa's elf, MELF, orc, troll, goblin, kobold, ogre, satyr, centaur, mermaid, merdog, merducken, naga, bird man, lizard man, ape man, dragon man, pixie, dryad, nymph, brownie, fairy, or twit? Are you none of the above? Please elaborate. Partial credit will be awarded for incomplete answers.Sex
: As in Male, Female, or Neither. "Yes, please," is not funny anymore. Not even a little bit. Seriously, grow up, will you?History
: As in, those who do not remember it are doomed to repeat it. What happened to make you the way you are? Are you an orphan, whose parents were brutally murdered before your eyes and you have spent your whole life in one long campaign of revenge? Or did you just happen to wander away from your village one day? How did you end up in Town City?Item of Importance
: Every character needs an Item of Importance, whether it's a Sword of Passable Competency +2, a Cufflink of Mediocrity, or even just a Toilet Brush of Genital Warts. This could be a family heirloom, passed down from generation to generation until it falls to you, the scion of an almost-extinct royal line, to fulfill your chosen Destiny; or it could be just something you picked up on the street. It's up to you.
Okay, now let's talk about Occupation
: The basic idea I had for this campaign is include one of each of the stereotypical "character classes": a fighter, a thief, a priest, a mage, and so on. However, of course, me being me (but more importantly, me wishing not to get sued for copyright infringement!) I've put my own twist on the whole concept. Here are the initial character classes, I mean occupations:THUG"It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise!" --Fezzik, The Princess Bride
The Thug is someone who is all brawn and no brains. Generally employed for the purpose of bashing things over the head, or sticking things that are sharp and pointy into things that are fleshy and oozy, the Thug can dish out more damage than others, and take more in return. The Thug can be the stereotypical "Grrrr Roy smash puny kobolds" type, or he can be someone who might be just doing it in his spare time to make a little bit of extra money to put himself through business school.
WHT PHIL: 0
RED PHIL: 0
BLU PHIL: 0
GRN PHIL: 0
BLK PHIL: 0
CRIMINAL"But that defeats the whole purpose of me sneaking into these rooms and stealing everything that's not bolted down and on fire!" --Thief, 8-bit theater
The Criminal is someone who got bullied a lot as a child, so she learned how to survive by being just a little bit quicker, a little bit smarter, a little bit less hampered by conventional standards of morality and mores in a relativist-based paradigm. She's good at picking locks, blending into shadows, and taking her opponents by surprise. A coward at heart, she prefers to snipe from long range rather than fight up close. Of course, stabbing people in the back is all good too.
WHT PHIL: 0
RED PHIL: 0
BLU PHIL: 0
GRN PHIL: 0
BLK PHIL: 0
NATURAL PHILOSOPHER"I used to think I was stupid--and then I met philosophers." --Brutha, Small Gods, Terry Pratchett
Philosophy is the study of those aspects of the world that simply cannot be explained by the rational or sensible. Since the beginning of time, wise men and women have sought to understand this phenomenon (which is not the "M" word at all)--and we call these people "philosophers." Most philosophers concentrate on a particular aspect of philosophy, to the exclusion of all else, with the possible exception of the rare and misunderstood "Grey Philosophers", who are truly the jacks of all trades, and masters of none (and that's why most of them end up playing musical instruments for money in taverns and in front of subway stations). The known branches of philosophy are:GODAMANCY, or WHITE PHILOSOPHY
: Godamancers tend to be more religious then their more secular brethren, and usually devote themselves to the healing arts. After all, someone
needs to be able to bring the party back from the brink of death, right? Godamancers deal in miracles, requiring nothing in return except the occasional blood sacrifice. White Philosophers must have a chosen deity; an awesome idea, I think, would be to have a deity who secretly hates the player character and sends him on all sorts of pointless, annoying quests for no reason.BOOMAMANCY, or RED PHILOSOPHY
: Boomamancy is the study of, well, making things go Boom. Often referred to as Evocation or Elementalism in lesser games, Boomamancy encompasses all five major elements: water, fire, earth, air, and frood. If it can be frozen, burnt, turned to stone, zapped with lightning, blown away, or froodified, the Red Philosopher's your woman.TRICKAMANCY, or BLUE PHILOSOPHY
: Trickamancy is the art of fooling the senses. While all of the other real philosophers were off studying hard, all the Blue Philosophers were lounging about in tie-dyed shirts, smoking strange herbs and watching the pretty colors. There's one advantage to being a Trickamancer, though: seeing is believing, and you won't believe what you see.LIFEAMANCY, or GREEN PHILOSOPHY
: Lifeamancy is the study of life, in all its strange and wonderful forms. They often have a kinship with fauna and flora that no one else has, or even thinks is natural and healthy. Lifeamancers can heal withered limbs and cure poison, but they can just as easily induce flesh-eating bacteria or kidney stones. Hey, no one ever said life had to be nice
.SPOOKAMANCY, or BLACK PHILOSOPHY
: The forbidden school of philosophy, Spookamancy is the study of things that go bump in the night. It is said that Black Philosophy is the ultimate philosophy, for it grants you ultimate dominion over death, the great undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveller returns; this is said mostly by the Black Philosophers themselves, who mostly want to just dress up all in black and wear eyeliner and impress the chicks.
Natural Philosopher Stats:
WHT PHIL: *
RED PHIL: *
BLU PHIL: *
GRN PHIL: *
BLK PHIL: *
*3 in his chosen discipline, 1 in all other disciplines.