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Author Topic: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth  (Read 2365 times)

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Offline RaptTopic starter

Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« on: October 28, 2009, 04:52:49 PM »
Grips free to a good home, please adopt one now...for when you think it has gotten to the very worst...remember somewhere else in the world, someone else's life is more screwed up than yours.

Thank you...

Rapt aka Dabria

So maybe I was a bit harsh...ok I was harsh...and unfair...everyone is different...everyone is going through different things. Back then I did not know how much my life would change and how desperate I would become. I lost my grip and everything you read forth how I am slowly regaining who I am and growing from the trite individual I an actual person, who gives a damn.

« Last Edit: May 12, 2012, 02:53:21 AM by Rapt »

Offline RaptTopic starter

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing and Personal Growth
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2012, 02:50:20 AM »
Weekend of May 11-13, 2012

Individuality in Illness: My Neurotic Snowflake Brain or DON'T CLASSIFY ME BY MY MENTAL ILLNESS!

During a discussion this evening with a friend, I discovered myself referring to their issues with mental illness by the type and confirming through medication lists how it was being treated. It occurred to me that somewhere along the line I have become desensitized to the seriousness of mental illness. Because my friend was having a real issue and instead of listening at first I just wham bam thank you ma'amed an answer. Which was not what they needed. After mentally slapping myself for being a bad friend, I got my shit together and actually put my head in the game and listened. We discussed the issues and seemed to come to a solution, I guess I will see what happens in that regard later. But it disheartened me in regards to my level of compassion. Has working in the industry where EVERYONE seems to be medicated jaded my perception?  :-\

Offline RaptTopic starter

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2012, 07:12:12 PM »
Weekend of May 18-20,2012

It's one of those weekends that I dread. Alone at work all weekend and Friday was hell....period.Had a fight with the husband about getting out of bed and actually getting to work on time. Why doesn't anyone else have to do it in my household but me. It's like washing hard is this really? He slammed around and actd a fool, wound up crying myself to took an hour. I hate fighting with him, it makes me feel two inches tall and a completely worthless bitch. Why? Must explore this self esteem issue, there has got to be a way to make it better. I did not talk to him until I came to work and I told him that in the new house he is getting his own room and sleeping there...I am not putting up with this shit. Is that why people used to sleep apart way back when? Because really, no matter how much you love some one, sometimes they are incompletely intolerable and you just need some space. Wrote "No One to Call" that morning....felt desperately hurt and alone.

Saturday was some writing done, a little RPing for was ok. More idea failure, I am beginning to think its me. Though I did some thinking about the requirements I have for stories. Maybe my ideas are too serious?

Offline RaptTopic starter

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2012, 04:07:46 PM »
The Game Changer July 25 to present--

So I have endometrial cancer. I found out about three weeks ago after being admitted to the ER for seriously heavy bleeding. The upswing is this is a very treatable, high cure rate, high survivor rate cancer it also explains why I have been tired for over three months. The down swing is surgery, they are taking the baby making machinery out altogether. So that far fetched hope of having one of my very own from my body is now trashed completely and utterly.

Somehow I am at a complete loss on the emotional side of things. Part of me feels scared, part of me feels relieved that we now know what is wrong and yet another part of me feels free. Like someone just turned on the light to remind me how precious this life is, even though we are faced with horrible things going on around us, life is still beautiful. This situation reminds me to be silly, to laugh, to not take it all so seriously.i will admit to some crying and some fear in the beginning, some resolution to face the hard truths first and get my affairs in order. But after a while I realized that I could not sit by and cry about this, I had to laugh. So my joke about my cancer is " We always knew I was spoiled rotten, now we have medical proof"

Nobody seems to like it but me. It still makes me laugh. Maybe it will make one of you laugh too.

Offline RaptTopic starter

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2012, 02:55:41 AM »
August 16, 2012 0248 am

Sleep eludes me, much like my muse as of late. Pain is ever present and it wears me down but won't let me sleep. An ex caught up with me on FB today, when I told him about the cancer he kinda freaked on me. He didn't appreciate the joke either. Why does not anyone find it funny but me? I can't sit here crying about it..I have to laugh because quite frankly I am scared. Mostly of the pain and suffering that come with all the issues. But still I keep my head up.

I wish I had someone to talk to...that just wanted to talk. Not about the cancer..not about the treatment. Just about anything in general. Mostly I would like to talk to someone about Hannibal Lecter because at this moment I am re-reading Thomas Harris' books. Could I but eat the rude and have a little style and a little taste? Though the question is begged...will I ever have a chance to see everything that I always wanted to see? The ultra sound is in a few hours and once we see the cancer on the screen they will decide how they want to proceed in terms of surgery. Please God let everything be stage 1.

Offline RaptTopic starter

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2012, 12:56:38 AM »
The AWESOME UPDATE!!! August 20, 2012 0050 CST

Up late again...gonna grab a few z's before going to the hospital and getting my blood work done. So bird is the word ...and it's still in stage 1!!!!! YAY.....NO CHEMOTHERAPY!! At least not so far. The pathology after the organ removal will have the deciding factor, but far I get to keep my hair! For a chubby chick that is saying alot. I like my hair :P

So there we are.....I will and all.

On to other fascinating things. I have been asked if it is ok to respond to me here, the answer is absolutely! Please post a response if you feel the need. I like to talk and considering that I am gonna be laid up for a little while post surgery and there is only so much Warcraft I can make, please talk to me!!!!!

Enough with the begging for now. EVERYONE DANCE!!!!


<3 Rapt

Offline zemo8801

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2012, 04:23:55 AM »
Well that's a great thing for sure an if you ever want a person to just talk with you know im here with a pair of open ears. Your pal Z!

Offline RaptTopic starter

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2012, 08:04:39 PM »
August 20,2012 cont....

Ever feel like you are not smart enough for conversation???

cont... Because sometimes people start conversations with me..and I respond..then I never hear from them again......grrrr....I think this is just me being weird because the surgery is so  soon. And for all my faith I am scared. Really and truly scared.

@Z..thanks babe *hugs*
« Last Edit: August 20, 2012, 10:47:29 PM by Rapt »

Offline RaptTopic starter

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« Reply #8 on: August 22, 2012, 10:19:00 PM »
August 22, 2012 Should have been independence day....

At least from my uterus. But apparently a surgery before mine went from in and out to complicated in the span of a hour, so they moved my surgery to Monday morning.  :-(  Yes it means waiting 5 more days. Yes it means a little more stress. Does it mean that I will be the first case up and my doctor will be fresh and ready to go Monday morning...YES.  ::)

So..I will take Monday I am gonna spend the weekend getting some work done and dinking around. :P

Offline RaptTopic starter

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2013, 04:41:41 AM »
Week of Dec 30, 2012 - Jan 3, 2013   Happy freaking New Year or Look Ma...We made it!

So it has been a few months since I posted here, mostly because the idea of spending more time here was intended. Unfortunately when they go rooting around in your middle, apparently the need to sit up and type is not high priority. Breathing is, learning how to roll and get up so you can pee is, but way.  So I spent six weeks in August and September being humble and lonely. I know that I could have reached out to so many but I was just too damn tired. Apparently major healing takes the life right out of you. Go figure.

I then spent the subsequent last three months catching up on all the bills that did not get paid while I was not working. I moved to an apartment with the hubby and the animals. And proceeded to work my tucas off trying to play catch up. Needless to say Christmas sucked, but we are now back on our regularly scheduled programming in regards to the budget!

Hence it brings be back to here, I have had one RP survive da cancer, thanks to Bloodied Porcelain. Thanks to Styx, zemo and a few others the Chop Shop managed to keep itself in the lists, so truly I am grateful for everything. Mostly I am grateful to be alive. Now if I could only get those winning lotto numbers....

Offline RaptTopic starter

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2013, 06:35:24 AM »
January 6,2013 - One of those Nights

I have been perusing some of my past posts. Really giving them a good look. Some of them I am quite impressed that for everything that was going on around me, I managed to keep it together. There were posts I was really proud of and there were some posts I was not so proud. As a matter of fact, I am kinda ashamed that I even wrote a couple of them. I am totally aware that I was in a different place then and that I have grown up a bit since then. But still...... The reason this whole thing comes up is because I found myself almost making the same mistake twice. This time I managed to curb my tongue. Maybe the collateral damage won't be so bad this time around. I stopped it before it got worse.  I know, cryptic huh? I will not bore anyone here or else where with the drama. Only that after it was all said and done, for all my damaged feeling....yet does not hurt so much anymore.

I guess that after you have the same thing happen over and over, yes I think it's me, that you learn to just shut it off. Right? This is where thick hide comes from?The constant onslaught of elements, biting into your flesh over and over until it toughens up.And you don't feel it anymore. You do not feel the catch in your throat or the tears falling down your cheeks. Because you build up defenses. You grow up. You accept that change occurs. Death occurs. That compromise is necessary. And that invariably, no matter how much you like someone, that if you cannot see the conviction in their eyes or the certainty in their voice you cannot know them. Even then, trust is doubtful. Because someone you know and love intimately can (and will) lie right to your face.

We put so much stock into what we read. I honestly believe that in most cases, when there is no emotion given, we are filling in the blanks with whatever we want it to be. Good or bad. The intention of the writer is irrelevant. The perception of the reader is what counts. Recently, I joined the storytellers cafe. I am putting together my first few stories and it occurs to me that there are many randy, wild tales. But I do not know that I want to write those kind of stories. I want there to be inspiration, hope, anger, I do not want to limit it, but I want to expound on dreams that I have dreamt. So real they were....and I want to share them.

Offline RaptTopic starter

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2013, 09:00:32 PM »
January 16, 2013 - Ten days later....

Oh hell! It is a never ending story of being misunderstood. I feel that I convey myself in a calm, direct manner and no matter how hard I try, someone invariably manages to get pissed off. So with that in mind, I am going not take it personally. I am reading The Four Agreements and part of what Ruiz is trying to convey is how we take on the negative influence of other people. This guy has me dead to rights on the matter. I do take it on and I get hurt in the process. So I am done.

That is all for now....The first agreement is to be impeccable with your word. And if I stay and write more, then I will sow the seeds of negativity further.

Offline RaptTopic starter

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« Reply #12 on: February 10, 2013, 06:06:15 AM »
February 10,2013 - A Night Out

So in the midst of all the changing and growing, hopefully shrinking as well, I took a night out on the town with friends to unwind. And while we are having beers at an old haunt, ranting about various past associates, one comes up in conversation and we mention how the guy had a God complex. Believed he was better than everyone else. Then my buddy brings up the fact that when I was associated with the person in my question that I possessed a God complex as well, I had been just as bad. Truly I had to blink, because I have been accused of many things but having a God complex was not one of them. And then I began to really think about how I acted when I was around this individual and it was true.

I was an asshole when I was around this guy, acted just like him. Because now I very much consider the person in question an asshole and am very glad he departed my company. Was the best gift ever. Like 20 minutes later this bothered me and I looked at my friend and said I was sorry. He looked at me and said "Let it are not that person anymore...everyone has a bad minute" and he is right. I am not that person anymore and how in the world did my friends stand me?

How did I let this person effect my life so much?Now this is the crux of it. I admired this guy because I thought he had all the answers.And he made me feel special, like I was important. He was smart, witty, charming but utterly arrogant and selfish. When the chips were really down in my life, this guy took a big fucking hike and said how he did not need or have time for  my "drama".

I try not to harp on how the cancer changed my life. But it did. I am genuinely thankful for the people in my life today. And in a way, I have to thank the asshole for introducing me to these friends, notably they are not still friends for the most part to him just FB associates. What a dick. But thank you Mr. still brought me the best things in my life and did me the favor of stepping out of it.

Regardless of the Dick, we had a great time. Time needed to just shoot the breeze and enjoy each other's company. 

Offline RaptTopic starter

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« Reply #13 on: March 10, 2013, 09:43:07 AM »
Because I needed to get this out of my head. This is not a cry for help. It is just a story idea and yes I could probably just write it on paper or on my iPad here but I want this scene for a future story some place where it would not get lost. Thanks



Tears ran down her muddy face, she had been running through the woods from the crazy man with the gun. He roared at her, it almost deafening the way is echoed through the valley. One good stick with a skinning knife will do that to you. Bleed you that is. Her real tree jacket with its orange vest were almost shredded, the black flannel shirt underneath similarly so. But she had gotten away, but to where...she had to keep moving. Climbing was out as the ravine walls were almost sheer. Looking around the only thing she could do was follow the river, or at least what she hoped was the river, for this was little more than a stream but it led away from him and she took it.

Running against the slippery rocks for a mile more, she was certain she had lost the wild men until she heard their laughter, Rounding the bend it was dead end. There was no place to go and they,on horseback ...had followed her down here to almost the foot of the mountain and the streams end, flowing downwards to the river at the base. The problem lie in the 200ft drop of the stream to the river. There was no way she would survive that fall. Standing at the edge of the cliff she looked at the group of men came closer to her.

They had came upon her unawares, as she was shooting photographs for some local hunting magazines. Her work was well liked, but now....they would never see the pictures of the cannibals living up in these hills. The bearded man had his leg bandaged now with what looked like a piece of her other shirt. The one the ripped off when they had raped her in turns. Shaking she managed to pull the .357 revolver out of her pocket and check the bullets. Only one left.

A desperate calm came over her mind as she looked at the single bullet. John had given her the gun, just in case, he said. You never knew would it would come in handy. Hot tears spilled out of her eyes as she looked at it. She was certain that this was not what he had in mind. Looking up again, they were closing on her like coyotes on a wounded deer. One deep breath more...they began heckling her "Come on sweetie...we will be real nice to you...fuck you good and hard like you need..She won't do it. Scared little girl!" Her eyes narrowed on them. "Sorry gentlemen I can't stay to play....." she replied. Closing the cylinder on the one shot she had. Leah cocked the hammer back and placed the nose of the gun against her temple. With any luck not only would she destroy her grey matter but her body should collapse off the cliff and down into the river, carried off where maybe someday, someone would find her. Her and ,if luck prevailed, the pictures on the thumb drive and SD card in the little water proof canister on her inside pocket. "I love you John..." she whispered to herself.

Deep breath, pressing against the temple of her head, squeezing slow just like he had taught her. The hammer snapped and the gun was all slow motion now, there was a burning in her mind and she felt her body collapse backwards and off the cliff. Somehow she was aware...the falling down down down down...things were not registering correctly and soon Leah was immersed in the cold and the dark. It surrounded her. Closing in....she could feel her heart beat. Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump...thump. Was this it? Was this..the end? Her chest tightened and she lost consciousness. 


« Last Edit: May 17, 2013, 03:24:49 AM by Rapt »

Offline RaptTopic starter

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« Reply #14 on: March 28, 2013, 02:46:51 AM »
March 28, 2013 , Wednesday Morning around 3am.

Perceptions of the Tenderhearted...

So I have been dealing with a lot this week and the last few. I will not bother to rehash the whole situation, but somehow I feel like I am on the outside looking in. Again. Maybe it is because I have no filter, or that maybe I am just not a fun person to be around ,I don't know. Wearing the mask of a character in an RP somehow lessens the feeling of being unseen. Because frankly that is what I feel like. Everyone sees the character, but they don't really see me. And maybe that is my fault. When I do show someone the real me, there is this moment of fear in my chest, where I am waiting to be judged. Often I think I am found wanting. Maybe I should not care about ,what one person described to me as "faceless/genderless blobs", think about me. I do not see people in that light. I see them as people, with challenges and personalities even idiosyncrasies that we never really get to see here in the virtual world.

Bu that is what it is really all about isn't it? It is about being accepted. About being seen as yourself and hoping that someone might like that enough to be your friend. Maybe even work on a project with you. I know that I am not alone in feeling like this, but I wish I didn't. I wish I did not feel ....even in a sea of beautiful minds...alone. ~Returns her mask to her face~

Offline RaptTopic starter

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« Reply #15 on: June 24, 2013, 03:34:16 AM »
How many times does my heart have to be stomped on until I learn?
What must I do to remember that words are only words and actions count for something?

It's sixty days as of yesterday. And I want a cigarette so bad I can taste it. My stress has caught up with me, but I will not cave. I will not succumb, I will not fail...but it is so hard right now. In the dark, in the night...the only voice in my head is my own. And i am terrified. All I can do is pray that the sun will rise and save me...because right now all i have is the light. I will keep my silent vigil over the night. Hoping it comes soon.


PS I am back to building walls again. Keeping everyone out, save a handful. What the fuck is wrong with me?


And my nails are suffering for it...have already torn one and broken two....come on breaks I need you to work right now...
« Last Edit: June 24, 2013, 04:57:30 AM by Rapt »

Offline RaptTopic starter

Re: Rapt's Ramblings on Life, Writing, and Personal Growth
« Reply #16 on: July 15, 2013, 05:18:05 AM »
July 15,2013 - Monday morning 0513 - Choices.....

After all is said and done..I am reminded....and I made the right decision.

"One should make his decisions within the space of seven breaths...With an intense, fresh and undelaying spirit, one will make his judgments within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break right through to the other side." - Hagakure
« Last Edit: September 14, 2013, 05:22:41 AM by Rapt »