So here I am, with my jaw clenched (I store tension in my jaw), staring at my computer screen and contemplating existentialism.
I have been sick for like weeks now - weeks! this damned bug won't go away - and witness to my mood getting darker and darker the whole while, and now here I am in one of my black moods. I call them my black moods because it seems like it's just about every negative emotion there is all bundled up at once and eating me up from the inside out. I'll get over it in time, I always do, but while I'm in it I can't do anything because everything is fucking pointless.
Just like my miserable existence.
So I watch comedies to lighten my mood and muster no more than a grunt instead of a laugh. Yeah, I've been here before and I know the drill. I just have to wait it out.
And you know the worst part? The absolute worst part is that nobody knows me well enough to pick up on it. Why? Because I can't let anybody in that close. I grew up in such a repressive atmosphere of fear and self-loathing that even with my closest friends, I still wear a mask, whether I want to or not. I have to make a conscious effort to remove the mask and reveal my true self, and when I get like this I never want to because I don't wish to burden my few close friends with my tired old self-pity and even more tired song of loneliness and despair.
So I vent online. What better place than the company of strangers? Well, okay, not strangers, but people with faces I have never seen and voices I have never heard save for what they represent on this forum.
A very good friend of mine once pointed out that when I get like this I become very bitter and wear another mask - one of not wanting to be consoled. He is absolutely correct. When I get in one of my black moods, I just want to stew in it and hate the world and everyone in it. It is an ironic twist on my normal personality, as I am usually a very upbeat, optimistic person. I guess nobody can keep that up forever, though, and these moods are just a way of evening the scales up a bit.
I don't know.
All I know is that I'm sorry for not keeping up on my stories, which makes me feel even worse. Which only makes me want to post even less.
So here I am, with my jaw clenched, staring at my computer screen and contemplating existentialism.