It seems ridiculous, as these ideas run through my head, to blog them here, on a roleplaying forum. After all, what I'm about to lay out on the table here has nothing to do with roleplaying, really. There might be some underlying connections, but that's not something I'm going to write about today.
I have always had huge issues with self confidence. I'm quite sarcastic and cynical, but I think it's sort of there as a deterrent to people- don't get close to me because I'll probably say something rudely sarcastic to you. But it's really, don't get close to me because I'm too self conscious to handle it.
Talking to my friend at the sixth Harry Potter movie premiere, I realized that when it comes to romance, when it comes to dating and flirting and all of these things that most people do, I have one major flaw. There are probably many others, but this is the biggest.
I make the assumption that no one finds me attractive. I ruin my own chances with people because no matter how much chemistry we might have or how into them I might be, I simply assume that they aren't attracted to me romantically, and it all ends there.
Thinking about this logically, it makes no sense. I know that on some good days, I think that I'm pretty. I also know that people, on occasion, agree. I know that people compliment my hair a lot, tell me I'm cute, that sort of thing.
So where does this assumption come from? It terrified me to realize that I think so badly about myself. How low must my self confidence be, without me even really knowing it, for me to make the assumption that no one ever finds me attractive? This realization was honestly pretty shocking to me. I've always known I have low self esteem.
I just never realized that I apparently have no self esteem.