When did it start? This pain in the pit of my stomach when I disappoint someone like a parent, teacher, or boss. As far back as I can remember the worse stresser for me was not getting into trouble or even the complexity of a task but the possibility to disappoint.
I was raised in a very educated house by highly intelligent parents. A's were what I needed to get. That was what I had to potential to get and if I didn't it wasn't good enough. Did they ever say something like this? Maybe once or twice but the clincher was in the way they acted, sounded, and reacted. But it was in more than just school work that I flinched at the idea of disappointing them. I was a devout Christian and my daddy. . .well I'm not sure what he was but he didn't hold with my beliefs and it never failed that he would get on my case about it. And now I see that he wanted me to base my beliefs on something more than just blind faith but at the time I felt so hurt. I just wanted to make him proud. He never told me that. I flinched at disappointing but I ran with my beliefs. Much later in my teenage life after a suicide scare daddy said he was proud of me to my mom who relayed it to me. He named one incident in particular. It was the first anniversary of 911 and my goody two shoes what you have is more important than who are inside school was telling everyone to wear red white and blue. I commented to a friend of mine that I would not wear red white and blue because that would be mourning my country and I believed that it deserved that slap in the face that it got (again, I was a devout Christian so my reasons had to do with many things including sin) but that I would wear black to mourn those who died because that was a tragedy. Well the very next day I did just that and got tons of shit for it and my words were twisted but I stood my ground no matter what. He told mom "I never told her but she made me really proud that day." I cried when mom told me. It made me so happy.
I hated disappointing my teachers. I went to the same school that my dad went to and had many of the same teachers that he had. Well my dad is easily a genius. You know those people who are good at EVERYTHING? Yep, that's my dad. The smartest person I know. Not just booksmarts either. And believe me, it's cold living in that particular shadow. My teachers always expected me to be my dad. Specially since I look just like him. Even before they knew my name they'd say "You're <insert daddy's name> daughter aren't you?" He would write 20 page papers. Correct the teachers. Make all A's on everything. I am good in English, language, writing, reading comprehension, history, and things like that. Math and science. . .not so much. I can do it. . .it's just not easy for me and I struggle sometimes. All of my teachers expected my daddy's work when I turned in stuff and instead got plain old me work. I'm bright, yeah I know it sounds bad but I am, and I know it but I am nowhere near my dad's wattage. I put <insert high school name> on the map for above average exceptionally high test scores. My writing was bragged on. I was expected to go far. But I always hated to disappoint. Less than perfect always felt like a slap in the face. I had class mates that thought I was just a bitch cause I'd get so damned upset over a B. When people would learn of my grades their response was "of course she made an A." If pissed quite a few people off. When I moved away from my home town my teachers were stunned by my work. I was star pupal, teachers pet. . .etc. . . And I still cried when I didn't make the A I knew I could. It was just wrenching. I felt like I was letting my teacher down. When I missed assignments I would beat myself up over it. When I missed a day of school I hated myself for it. And in college I was back in my hometown. Most of my professors had my mom and dad. They knew who I was and expected that kind of work. And generally they got it. But still I hated to let them down. It killed me. I would get so stressed out when I couldn't seem to get something or couldn't seem to scrape up the time to get something done in a course. I had class mates that hated me because of my grades. I spent more time lecturing on certain subjects than the instructor sometimes cause I knew THAT much more about it.
And for work. When I got sick and had to miss or couldn't come in, I was even sicker cause I felt so bad. When I made a mistake I hated myself for it. When I had to move and leave a job informing an employer was the worst thing cause I felt like I was letting them down. I hate leaving jobs. I hate having to ask off. When I'm asked to come in early I usually answer yes because I feel no would disappoint or when I'm asked to stay late or come in on my days off. I get physically sick with the stress and anxiety of it. I have even broken down into tears over it.
When there is someone in my life that I particualarly admire it kills me to feel like I disappointed them. I obsess over it and beat myself up. I tend to hold myself to unreasonable standards and stress over them.
Disappointing people really hurts me. . .