Hi people....feeling a little down tonight and i cant figure out why, they say that everyone looses something. a car, a home, a key, a family member....i have lost all those things in the past few years, i never thought my grandfather the only only one i ever had. i loved him so much, he was the rock of our family and i always thought he'd be there, i took for granted that he would always be there. that he would be there when i got married and preside over the wedding that he would see maybe my first born, all things taken for granted. he passed away a few years ago...actually the exact date escapes me because i bottled it up and swallowed the pain and pretend it never happened. that's what i do...its not healthy but its the only way i know how to live with out that hole, even though that hole is there. my losses didn't stop there a year ago my uncle passed, it was sudden like a blink of an eye. he was happy and i said hi the next moment he was gone, he was a dancer a ballet dancer, my favorite dancer, i never wanted to know what my life would be like with out him and now i have to figure it out.
I've lost shoe's, papers, drawings, and love but nothing can amount to the lost of a person...nothing....all things taken for granted...things i was so naive in thinking that i would never have to imagine my life with out them its ironic how you go through life always believing they would be there and just the opposite happens. it has made me different more mindful of the limited time we have as silly as that sounds, it has made me more aware of the people around me and how they to might be gone....it makes me realize how important my family is and how paper thin that line between lose loved ones can be. I push it away and try to forget with out loosing the core memories of them, the good times, but how can i think about those memories with out feeling the sting of knowing they aren't here. its like a fresh cut that wont heal, they say it gets better with time but ultimately it doesn't...no i think you get numb, that you learn to be accustomed to it like a friendly neighbor in you heart where they used to be.
All things taken for granted, the fact that i feel i might lose again...the head of my family a woman I looked up to. the head mother in my house, one person I grew up with always nurturing and warm, she kept he and loved me like she loved her daughter my mom. she's live this remarkable life 90 years to be exact and I keep feeling like I might loose her to, now unlike before I am trying to imagine my life with out her and I just cant. I just cant bring myself to do it not because it cant be done, but because I selfishly don't ever want to. she is a force in my life I just cant let go of and one day life will force me to. I'm afraid so very afraid to lose so soon, to loose again I just cant. I keep shaking my head 'no' and nature has other plans, I close my eyes and yet I can still see life's plan plane as day.
I've lost drawings, I've lost stories told to me when I was a child, I've lost respect for my father and lost friends but nothing can compare to the feeling that your going to lose someone that important to you. That you'll never see them again and even though people say they are still with you and in some ways they are, it doesn't ease the pain...the hole is still there and there is only superficial comfort, there is only acceptance with time...that maybe the you'll get used to the pain and it wont be as constant, it will hurt but you'll be strong enough by then that it wont affect you.
I wish it was more like a open wound on my arm...that it would scab over and eventually stop hurting and be a distant memory, but grief isn't like that... its constant, a everyday struggle to see through all the things that hurt your heart, but I swallow these feelings as unhealthy as that is and I push them way down in the pit of my stomach and don't look there, I never look there. I have lost words, and books, maps and jewelry, but I have also lost so much more and my heart can take anymore not now and not yet. theirs only so much one heart can take, being strong isn't a luxury any longer and I am afraid so afraid, because nothing can prepare you for the lose of life.