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Author Topic: Too Much Information: My Life as an Elvish Seductress  (Read 1580 times)

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Offline UnishifterTopic starter

Too Much Information: My Life as an Elvish Seductress
« on: June 22, 2009, 09:10:12 pm »
Hello, all, and welcome to this new blog, which I like to call Too Much Information! In this series, we're going to take a lighthearted look at the strange, unnerving world of nerd sexuality through the lens of humor and my own experiences. As you can guess, not only are you going to get way too much information about me, but this is also going to be a shift in tone from most blogs posted here.

If, while reading this entry and the ones coming soon, you feel offended, disgusted or ragingly vindicative, repeat to yourself "It's just a comedy blog, I should really just relax." If the feeling persists, feel free to contact me and we can settle this in the ring, like gentlemen. If you are not a gentleman, feel free to RP with me, gain access to my character' balls, and kick me in the nuts via proxy. Enjoy!

Anyone who's been on the Internet for more than a week has probably noticed that, wherever they go on the cyberspace superhighway, girls get attention. Sometimes it's in subtle ways that neither party even notices, like a male using a smiley they wouldn't have while writing to another guy. Sometimes, though, it all ends with a morbidly obese fifty-six year-old man getting arrested just as he was about to collect the centerpiece of his shrine to CatGurlChick86. Now that I've given all of you mental images worse than anything I could come up with myself, you might be wondering, where am I going with this?

Going back in time a bit, my introduction to erotic roleplaying was a few years ago, in what shall vaguely be referred to as a chatroom of sorts. Tales of my first days there will be a story for another time, but the important part is that I ended up playing a girl. I had been told that the girls-get-attention principle was in full effect there, and that turned out to be true. My first few characters had very little thought put into them, and all had in common airbag tits, daily lives that revolved around nothing but sex, and very little clothing. I always sucked at describing clothing, and it always came off very soon anyway.

At first, I had never seen much of a problem with what I was doing. I was playing a character, right? Most people stuck to an unwritten "don't ask, don't tell" rule, so good times were had by all when you could be free to assume that the elvish sex slave you had just known wasn't in fact a morbidly obese fifty-six year-old man with severe emotional issues. The basic idea was to give no definite evidence of the player's true gender, only assumptions. Some people, though, didn't seem to realize this.

Thanks to that, my experience masquerading as my own sexual fantasies gave me a whole new perspective on nerd mating rituals. While I was playing a female character, complete strangers would suddenly become really, really interested in how my day went, stroke my's character's hair, and tell me my description was giving them a huge raging boner. ... In more polite terms, of course, because most of all they seemed concerned about not hurting my feelings. This was... unnerving. Despite the fact that I hadn't grown out of listing my characters' favorite food as "italian sausage", I'd often get a splitting headache or an urgent appointment while dealing with those guys. At least some of them got the hint.

Since this day, I decided that all my female characters would be lesbians. Aside from the occasional "It's such a shame that you're a lesbian! Are you sure you can't unlesbianize for me?" comment, I finally found some peace and quiet and time to play with people who didn't kick my slimeball radar into overdrive. The other male characters, the ones who didn't creep me out, weren't interested at all in mine, only in a potential dominant vampire Severus Snape to enslave their own dominant vampire Severus Snape. I still wonder what was up with these people.

All was well that ended well in my playing-a-girl career, though. Since then, all girls I played with at that place had airbag tits, daily lives that revolved around nothing but sex, and very little clothing! Wow! Just the way I liked them!