I spent most of May 8th, 9th, and 10th thinking about what I've lost sight of. In years of searching for myself I have to wonder how far off-road I've really gone. I mean, lots of things are the same as they were, lots of things are solid. Other things, however, I now find myself to be like.. like water, easily shaped, detered, routed, or confined. When did that happen?
Introspection was mainly my process of thought on my birthday. I am introspective by nature. This allows me great insight into my own motivations and feelings. It's very odd to look into myself, into that intangible collection of molecules that is 'me' and see how 'liquid' I've become. I am happy to say I haven't completely lost sight of the important things. I'm still the girl who would return a one hundred dollar bill she found if able and turn it into authorities if she couldn't track its owner, still the girl who refuses to cheat off classmates or substitute their work for hers, and still the girl who loves her family and friends so very dearly...
And I do love them. Why is it then that until recently I've been spending the majority of my time avoiding them? I think it's just to allow me to be myself. See my family and I don't see things completely eye-to-eye. Still, I love them. What have I lost sight of? So many things I take for granted...
Family is among that, the fact that I avoid them so when any day any one of them could pass. it's not limited to the old in this world of ours. Walking out the door of your house, driving a particular route to work, just getting unlucky, so many things can be the end. It's natural to fear for the old first. They are old, after all, but in the end... I take them -all- for granted, not just Mom and Dad.
It has become a new effort of mine to keep in better touch with my parents and Iressi's.
I also noticed something else I had lost sight of... This one I think is likely pretty common, but.. I am so scared about the future, coming out of school into an economy in upheaval.. I swear when I started my job search I would have gone with -any- job that paid the right money... So when did money become so important?
It is, unfortunately, to a degree. But I lost part of me, or was going to. Things not panning out with the large corporation I was looking at brought life in regards to working into a bit better perspective for me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I don't want to be 1 out of 200 programmers. I don't want the big companies with their completely impersonal feel. I want more. What else would I have compromised if they had offered me a job?
Thinking about things like this makes me feel poorly about myself. Then I take a step back and examine the world as a whole. How many people compromise their morals for money? For power? For fame? Maybe I'm not so bad. Maybe this world full of people is just... blind to their own losses. Moral fiber is priceless. The ability to do what you know is right in the face of confrontation and loss is important, is admirable. The ability to turn down an offer of power and security in order to stand behind faith is awe inspiring.
These people, these people who keep in sight what matters to them. They are beacons of light in a world of comprisors like myself. Perhaps someday I will be able to never lose sight of what matters. Never forget to appreciate my family rather than toil away at video games, never forget who I am and take a position I am not suited for.
And then.. there's love. I took a quiz recently and one o the questions was 'Love or money?' and my answer was not Love. Admittedly I'm not greedy. I'm not looking for a fortune. I just need to know that I will be able to support the people who matter in my life. Husband? Yes, him too. Parents. Mine will not be stuck in some crappy retirement home. I will be sure of that. Children? If they come along they will be cared for.
After all the things I've seen in life I just don't think I would be able to hang it all on love and pray for good fortune. I need something more substantial.
What matters? What is life about? I think life is about defining who you are. Shirking this is wasting time, of which we have so little. One hundred years seems like a long time, but even at
22 23 I think back and wasn't it yesterday my dad was carrying me around piggy back through the zoo?
It's hard to be yourself in a world where the media is so saturated with what a person 'should be'. It's hard to keep your own interests, tastes, likes, fears, hopes, and morals in your heart when so many people around you are imposing their own on the world (whether intentionally or not).
I suppose it lies to us then to define who we are. To search ourselves. It lies in us to keep sight of the things that matter in our life, to remember them, to cherish them. I only hope that when my own time comes I can look back and know I've done my very best without compromising who I am.