(Originally posted 13 August 2008.)
There are a myriad of kinks out there. Some are strange, some are not so strange. Some are ho-hum for people who have been "in the scene" for a while. And some are so out there that only those that are into them really understand them. I know I've talked about a lot of D/s stuff, and I'm going to talk about it more. I talk about it a lot because it is one of my favourite kinks, and one from which many others spring. That is, of course, why you're reading, I expect. So here we are, standing together, hand in hand. Your palm is kinda sweaty, though.
One kink I've always been able to understand but haven't really been able to get into is online dom/sub relationships. One of my first Masters began as an online relationship, and we got somewhat heavy into it before it was actually, ahm, consummated. The thing is, though, that I'm a terrible online sub. Even in face-to-face relationships, I am headstrong. So placing that sort of relationship gives me far too much leeway.
I found that out once I'd been through a few real-life dom/sub relationships. The dynamic is totally different; my Master or Mistress can tell when I've been disobeying, and can act accordingly. I'm an awful liar to someone's face, but online it's much easier. It's also easier to be evasive and shady when dealing with someone online... and this goes for relationships other than power-transfer. I'm not saying I lie online as a matter of course; I really don't see the need to. But I have done so with an online Dom.
It takes, I think, a supreme amount of discipline on the part of both participants, and no small amount of creativity. Too, it creates a stronger sense of longing between the two participants. When you have someone online who is at your whim, but only online, you cannot help but wish that you could set them in front of you and really fix them with that Look. Any sub knows the one I mean. And you cannot help but wish that you could actually be at your Dom's feet, resting your head on their knee, and just ... be. Those quiet moments, moments of stillness and close companionship, can only really be had in reality.
It's one more way that online relationships fall short of real-life ones. It's an exercise in what could be, what you want to be, but what - for whatever reason - cannot be. Possibly it's temporary, and possibly not. The temptation, though, is strong. If you are anything like I am, dear reader, you find yourself set somewhat adrift after leaving a dom/sub relationship. It's an ache, a desire that never quite leaves, and it's very, very tempting to try and fill that void with even an online simulacrum of what you had. Every time I find myself leaving a relationship like that, the most prominent emotion is a profound sense of loss.
And possibly loneliness. I don't necessarily need a significant other to feel complete. I am a complete person on my own, responsible for my own happiness, and I wouldn't have it any other way. At the same time, being kept as someone's pet, the sincere sense of satisfaction that comes with just the brush of a hand or an approving look, is something that I sorely miss. Every single time. It's a very deep-seated want, one that occasionally makes me sigh and murmur, "I miss my Dom." ... it's not actually expressing the regret of losing my last particular Dom, but the loss of that closeness and the ability to just exist for someone else for a while.
So, I understand, I really do, those people that seek out even the pale shadow of that relationship that can be had online. Much like settling for a bar of Hershey's when what you really crave is more of the delicious Belgian truffle you finished last week, it's still a stopgap until you can get what you really, really want. But for me, it's still not the same, and it breeds a sense of dissatisfaction that may have nothing to do with the Dom in question. It's not their fault, but no matter what they do is not going to be quite good enough. It's my equivalent of munching that Hershey's while I think longingly of truffle. It's not the Hershey bar's fault that I've been spoiled on truffle... the Hershey is doing its damnedest to be the best chocolate it can. And yet, the poor Hershey bar can never actually hold up, and only leaves me wanting more.
So for me, for my preference, I'm holding out for that truffle. Mmmm, truffle.