Tails of Monkey - Hey Adventure is still waiting

[Catherine]

Redbeard didn't move and I spun my finger again in the air, "Turn please," Redbeard just laughed and then took off leaving me in a cloud of dirt. *cough cough*

"You are forgetting something, " I yell out, hand covering my mouth so nothing rock or pebble like flies into it. Don't need that at all. Rocks and pebbles are not friendly chew things, while filling thy all go to the hips and blah. The whole you shouldn't go swimming thirty minutes after eating is extended to like hours when pebbles and rocks are added. Then there is all of the screaming, no thank you i will pass on that.

Of course Redbeard didn't stop or anything, not even a comment or a unfriendly hand gesture that would be censored.

"Why are you pointing up? Are you pointing up to the cloud? It looks sort of like a turtle on its back. Well if you stand on your head it does.... No? Wait that isn't your pointer finger that is your...." *gasp*

"That is uncalled for!"

Fine the race is back on, I look towards Weiner and he gives me a nod, "Let's go." With a hop and a skip I find myself back up on Wiener. All of the between stuff cut out for sake of words.

"Let's catch us a hill," I say hunkering down, Weiner oinked and BOOM we are off.

"Let's finish this....."

[Catherine]

In seconds Weiner and myself went from zero to wooooooooooohhhh..... I thought we were fast before and at the moment I think we were going faster. Light speed. Phpht!  I think we left light behind and that is hard to do since that is everywhere. I mean just look around and you will see light, even when it isn't there it is hiding somewhere. Hmmmm.... Like right over there. *point*  I see you over there light, you can't hide with all of your shining and glimmering and doing that blinding thing in my eyes. I am not sure how you do any of that behind my stylish sunglasses.

I tried to tell Weiner to slow down but my words were left behind somewhere. Sometime later some cannon creature will hear me tell it to slow down and wonder why someone called it Weiner.  It's stomach will grumble and it will get hungry for Weiners which it will have a hard time finding since Weiners are not Norse cannon. They are more turkey leg or whole hog....boar eaters.

"Grunt, why would I eat a dog for? I have a perfectly good turkey leg here.... why is the dog hot? We are Norse.... hot only exists near or in a fire or ragnarok or hot coals when you eat them."

*Roll eyes *

Stupid inner dialog of the Norse kind.

Somewhere, sometime I think we passed the hill with a wahoooo and corkscrew , the last part because I was holding on and not trying to control Weiner. I am not sure if he was controlling either we were just going. Going so fast that we passed a group of elves and we yanked them off their feet. Behind us we could heard, "Oh my", "by the goddess", "ow" and other things as the elves got dragged behind us like those cans behind a car in a wedding.

I could see the end of the race approaching and I turned back, "I think someone is going to lose....." Then stuck the tongue out at the proper amount to emphasize but not enough to catch bugs on my tongue. Like that has people create crafts and she takes credit says, "That is a good thing."

[Catherine]

Rubbing things in never pays off, just letting you know stuck in a freeze frame of Weiner and myself toppling over after someone stuck his foot it and tripped us.

There we were minding our own business after a gloat and a ha ha just a distance away from the finish line. I mean look *point* the finish line is right there and look where we are are at. Not that far away and now....

Something whispered to me, I am thinking it was fate, in a whisper than sounded more like a cold out laugh that sounded maniacal. You know the type, Usually the evil scientist or villain does as they tell the hero after strapping  them down to a cold metallic table and showing them the business end of a laser.

"Can you take a little off the side,"the cool headed spy says confidently after the villain or scientist laughs, "eat cold hot laser!"ZAP!

The laughter caught me off guard for a moment and then yeah.... I am pretty sure I said "What do you think you are doing with that leg?"Then the whole world just went all trippy. Like head over heels trippy and not tree hugger trippy with one hand up and two fingers spread apart.

Holding on for dear life and hoping I didn't end up on the bottom of a smash between the ground and Weiner. It wouldn't end well if i did, no amount of chiropracting would fix me since I would be grapped.

I did manage to get one word out as I screamed, "CHEATER!!!!!"

[Catherine]

Did I tell you that I was holding on for my dear life. Yeah being crushed was bad but so was being thrown off and eating a tree branch or small furry animal with enough force that swallowing wasn't necessary. Just a scream and in the branch or whatever goes and one monkey girl becomes something like a hotdog on a stick, while comfortable for the hotdog it is a not so much for the monkey girl. Really bad on the back, the thirst and just about everything else. Especially if the force is greater than great and the whatever passes through said monkey girl ruining her pants.

There would be an "OW!"Followed by "Doctor!!!"Followed by a lot of crying. The crying would be made worst because have you see the Norse cannon clothing, more specifically what it is made of? It looks rough like burlap and burlap isn't nice on the skin, it exfoliates and takes off skin at the same time. Like sandpaper but with no sand or style.

While burlap has its purposes, like carrying potatoes. I am not a potato. They can be used for hunting snipes in the dark. The whole light coming through the whole burlap thing mesmerizes the snipes and they are lured in. Don't ask me why, that is the last thing I would be doing with burlap.

"Oh look burlap with light shining through it. It is so pretty... silly light I am coming to get you. You are so soft and the burlap is so rough. Polar opposites are just so.... twinkle twinkle little lights how you dance in the bag."

*ninja girl tip - don't try to rhyme when flipping in the air. It just doesn't work and you have better things to think about. Like not being grapped!*

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh......

OINK!

"Sorry I will stop screaming in your ear", I tell Weiner. Turning away I whisper ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh as we continue to do the uncontrolled tumble thanks to being tripled thing.

[Catherine]

I am surrounded by darkness and I kick the air with one leg, immediately waking up when I do, "What in the world did I just do?" Curious I kick the air a couple times like I just caught myself doing, did I get hurt in the squishing and I experienced a muscle twitch or something like that.

That is when I heard the laughter, "I knew you were a kitty?"

*set eyes to stare with a fifty percent squint*

"I am not a cat girl!" I say with some volume, "monkey girl... say it with me, mmmoooonnnnnkkkkkeeeeeyyyyy."

I could see Redbeard nod, finally he understands and then he opens his mouth and says the three letter word plus girl. The little volcano inside of me starts to rumble and just about to explode when I put the symbol of Wait a moment up, one index finger up and that is all.

"This is not going to go anywhere. You are fixated on cats for some reason, possibly an unhealthy one too." I look around for a moment to see if my... hey Bananas see there was no cats around!

I nod once and turn towards The hill, " I have all of the evidence now. They will take the win from you. You will be laughed at ha ha and have the book thrown at you. You see if I am wearing the right imaginary hat I am a detective and I wouldn't blow my own imaginary black licorice pipe but I am a good detective, just as a non canon one here maybe, just saying." 

*smile and finger gun with one of those light flares.*

Bang.

With one foot in front of the other I slowly walk around Redbeard, "Tell us where are all of the cats. Tell me why you do  insist on me being a cat girl," I climb up the hill and take him by the collar, "Tell me! I can handle the truth..."

I instantly regretted the whole climbing and closeness thing, should have given it more thought.

"we both know, I just need to hear it coming from you..."

[Catherine]

I would say what I was smelling was foul but that would have been nice and also mean on the word foul. What is up with people and bad breaths? Is there a secret rule or something that says it is good to have a breath that can wilt steel? I cough and that wasn't good, more foul in my mouth and if only something fowl with feathers would fly in... breather from the foul.

"Can you maybe turn that down?"

Gasping, my tail wipes the tears from my face. Oh my monkey this is bad. What side is this? Can't be mustard since that is taken. Pepper is taken too. Salt? Oh no... it has to be something that burns and smells. Something that makes you cry "Why???” When you smell, taste and even see it.

"Tell me please...." I beg, for a moment I consider shaking Redbeard but I don't want to loosen any more scents or smells.

"Come on.... maybe inhale."

I think any fine body hairs I had were burning off, not that I had that many. Maybe two or three.

"Please.... I forgot to pack a gas mask and mints are scared of your breath."

Nothing. I even begged and no way am I going to give the hill puppy dog eyes because they would be red and watering.

I let go with one hand and try one last thing, ball fist against chest technique pathetic attempt style. Pathetic thump followed by "just admit to it before I..."

Too late.... adorable pass out while still holding on because there would be no way I fall from the height I was at without proper safety equipment.

[Catherine]

"Oh...oh my monkey," I say, waking up and defying gravity by still holding onto the hill. Hey I have a good grip, always good to have one just in case you find yourself hanging off something and there is something deadly below. Weak grip equals falling and screaming and well stuff. I can't crush a can against my forehead, thank monkey and ow that would hurt, but I can hold on for dear life. Also it is good for holding onto banana milkshakes, mmmmm banana gold.

I guess I sort of got training holding onto them come to think of it. Like one of those training things karate people did to strengthen themselves. Punch this cauldron of hot charcoals, um.... yeah I will pass and hold this nice cold banana milkshake instead. Just like training but more yummier and less third degree burns.

Hanging there I decide it was best to be the biggg..... the correctly proportioned  monkey girl in the situation and congratulate Redbeard for winning.

*cough* cheated *cough*

*cough* tripped me *cough*

Like a champ I stick my tongue out and let go. Do a perfect three point landing and this time didn't look towards the judges for scores.

"Congratulations," with my hand up rest to give Redbeard a handshake, then moist towelettes ready for right after that.

He better not have a joy buzzer either....

[Catherine]

Hand offered and my tail prepares for a zapping, wrapping a lone rubber band around itself so it was grounded or to cut off the electricity from traveling up its length. Not like the electricity will actually pay attention to the rubber band, giving it a dismissive wave and moving  on.

"Rubber band, ha! It will take more than a rubber band to stop me. Ha ha ha. What a second one?  No I am foiled..."

Not sure why electricity talks like some spy villain. At least it doesn't have a cat to pet slowly. At least I don't think it does....

Anyways hand offered to the cheater and one hand shake later I clean my hand of dirt and hill stuff.

"Good race, " I tell Redbeard as I give him an air pat, not wanting to go through too many moist towelettes at the moment. "Next time or camera replay we both know who will win"

Before the hill can answer I swing a hand up and just walk away into the sunset, tripping over something in the process but there was no way I was going to walk back and do the whole walk into the sunset again.

Race done.... time to check on autokornet.

Toss moist towelette into a handy trash can hidden by a garden gnome or a real one. Hard to tell them apart sometimes.

Confidently I stick a finger up, not that one dirty minds and test the winds.

"Going that way," I say pointing that way, "I sense the not correct in that direction"

OINK.

[Catherine]

Do you hear that? That sound, there it is..... I can hear it when I stop talking.  It isn't the drums of war, it is my teeth chattering because it is so cold here. Where is here you ask, curiosity getting the best of you since the last time you saw me I was racing down the side of a volcano trying to beat a hill. Who *cough* cheated *cough* won if you don't remember.

*monkey girl note - See the last story for the whole race. It was racilicious.*

I am here in the middle of nowhere on the side of a mountain with a lot of snow and ice and whatever those are over there.

*points off to side*

What are they again? Sherpas? Must be the cold environment breed of them. You can tell by the number of furs they are wearing if they either warm weather Sherpa or cold weather ones.

Anyways I was lead here by the bracelet that is set to locate Audokornet after visiting other ‘fun' places that are too worded to go into, also little gross that I am trying to forget. I mean the lost monkey tribes of the Amazon was just ick. I mean I am not sure where they learned that flinging poo was acceptable for anything.

"Hi, my name is Nichole Anne Marie Smith. My fr..." SPLAT!

"Hey cool, we both have tai....." SPLAT!

"Is this berry poi....l" SPLAT!

"ha ha you missed me with the la...." SPLAT!

"Grrrrrr......" SPLAT!

I learned quickly to keep my mouth closed and just nod unless I wanted to be down at the stream cleaning myself off and yeah that wasn't nice either. Not with those fish with teeth that always seemed to have those creepy smiles and ate anything and everything that fell or considered falling into the water.

Thankfully I picked up their sign language quickly which I would show you but yeah cold... Mittens are being worn because I enjoy my fingers. Maybe later around the fire, unless that is frozen, I can show you some signs. Especially the one that means "STOP THROWING POO AT ME!!!!"

Then there was the underwater kingdom, I think it was Atlantis but when I asked anyone if it was they would say "Don't know." Then swim in a circle and ask me who I am after I just told them moments before. I hate to tell anyone that if I was in Atlantis, the reason why it sunk was because of goldfish. Tons of goldfish, some with bulgy eyes and others with poofy parts that kept ramming into me.

"Sorry. Pardon me. Where did you come from?"

"I was standing here."

"No, I would have remembered that."

"Are you sure?"

"Sorry. Pardon me. Where did you come from?"

"I was...."

If it was Atlantis, it didn't sink because of gods being angry or natural disaster. It was because of one thing, goldfish.

*aluminum foil moment - what if the goldfish sunk Atlantis to take it over. Devious... no one will consider that we are the masterminds of this, we are won in carnival games! A perfect disguise!!! Mwhahaha*

Didn't stay there long. I can only hold my breath so long and the whole bends thing. Yeah..... no I am not into personal origami. Elbow ‘A’ does NOT touch back of head.

Now I am standing here under fourteen layers of clothes with my arms stuck straight out since I cannot lower them looking up the mountain. The ominous clouds at the top with random flashes of light is a good touch. Nothing says ‘stay away' or ‘this isn't the place you are looking for' like random flashes of light that I am guessing says lightning or someone going nuts with a flashlight.

"Hey, you aren't lightning. Just some guy with a flashlight. I don't think you are that scary."

THUMP!

*rub the top of head* "Ow! Fine, I am leaving. Jeez."

Time to get climbing, put one foot in front of the other and soon I will be frozen like a TV dinner.