Tails of Monkey - Hey Adventure is still waiting

[Catherine]

The film negative elf just gave me a look like I should have known why they climbed up until the cliffs, went through a hole in a giant wall and spoke in a language I didn't understand the entire time. Like I would know.... The only thing I knew was that they were walking in a direction of that way and that was it, oh and they were elves and film negative ones to boot.

"The big guy didn't tell me. He told me to get up here and that you would know. He specifically said I should ask you," did that sound believable? I thought it did and unless I have one of those 'he is standing right behind me isn't he' moments I think I will be all good. Quickly I look over a shoulder and see if any large elves was being all stealthy and sneaking up on me. *mental hand wipe, whew* "So what is the plan?"

The elf looked at me questionably again, why doesn't he trust me? Do I have a piece of spinach in my teeth or maybe a large bird sitting on my shoulder, like a toucan. That would sort of be cool. Maybe get a eye patch and everything. Although if I got a patch I might start walking in circles or miss everything on one side of my face or what is really bad, depth perception. I would lean over to suck  a straw that is in a banana milkshake and poke my eye out, the not covered by a patch one and then I would have to wear two patches and then I would start slamming into things. CRASH! Oops sorry, that felt expensive I hope it wasn't. A vase from the Ming dynasty? I think I just ate there the other day., didn't see too many vases though.

There wasn't a word spoken for a long time and well I did the only thing I could think off. * cough cough* Coughing usually works, I hear they use it in some prisons.

"Tell me the truth!" Grrr....hiss and growl....."

"I am telling you nothing copper."

*cough cough* "Really?"

"Okay okay I will tell you everything. Just cover your mouth."

See it always works and the guy in the example had no neck and you know what that means. If you do, please tell me.

I look at the film negative elf and I can see the look in its eyes, it's will was crumbling. It was going to tell me, "you can tell me, hey I am Bob. Has Bob done anything to lose your trust?"

It looked like the elf was about to say something, mouth opening and everything when the big elf went 'Shhhhh..........' And told everyone to get down. I was so close and now we are suppose to dance?

I start to do some stretches, best to do that before dancing I hear. A ballerina forgot to stretch once and well *bow head*. I hear her tutu was like  buzzsaw.  *wipe tear* The...the... I can't finish the story it is *sniff* sad.

So yeah stretches, as I hold the first one and feel my muscles burning. Ow ow ow Charlie horse.... I watch as the elves get as close to the ground as possible.

Oh that type of get down... That makes more sense.

((Nd I was about to dance....))

[Catherine]

Instantly I am on the ground, no dropping and thumping on the ground. That isn't allowed for the cute and adorable unless the situation calls for it and this doesn't. I am sort of just down. One moment standing up and the next 'Hey how are you doing? The grass looks greener from here'. Law 126 of the future and adorable, let me see.... Okay and thus us how up guess, the cute and fairs i.e. Shall not drop to the ground unless in doing so is cute and adorable. No knocking out of breath or hitting the elbow on the ground because that hurts.

I am down then crawl up and join the film negative elves. "What are we getting down for? I am not hearing any music or anything." The elf answered with a finger pushed against its lips and I nodded. For several reasons, one I knew what the elf what saying and the second I don't know where the elves hands have been. Look at them, it looks like they..... Then they....... Also don't forget they did......... So yeah no film negative hand pressed to my lips, ick.

It even tried and I shook my head as I pushed it away. "No thank you, I am on a diet. Thank you though." The elf just gave me the 'what is she talking about' look.and looked at its finger like I was going to eat it! That is just ick, why would I even do that? Yeah I know about finger food, which usually consists of vegetables or little tiny cocktail weenies. Again no licking either, a little bit of tongue poking out and dab just to see how the elf would react. Would he spin away, "Bob just licked me, she thinks we are ice cream cones!!!" There would be a hushed gasp and awkwardness afterwards. I am not a licker and I don't know where the elf's hand has been neither, don't want to know either. Tongue stays in  mouth.

The group gets quiet as the sound of thumping foot steps could be heard coming closer and closer. This wasn't light thumping like in a casual stroll, this is stomp thumping. Like mad and has something against grass and the dirt underneath it stomp. The foot steps get louder and closer and the elves go quiet. Even more closer and I think one of the elves just fainted. Who is the owner of these stomping steps because I think one if the elves started to bite its nails.

STOMP STOMP STOMP and stop STOMP!

Have to know so I wiggle forwards and look up. I see muscle and more muscle and hey I think some muscle over there too. Long golden hair with a beard, some of it done in braids and others parts have things woven into it. Less cutesy more I just walked through the woods, I mean through the woods. No path, straight through and look at me! Grrrrrr...... I have an eagle and trees in my hair now. Give me that piece of meat you call an arm so I can feed the wolf behind my ear. Grrr.....

Slung over one shoulder is a hammer, not one for tapping in nails TAP TAP TAP. This hammer is for tapping in peoples' skulls. It is huge! Okay that is not describing it well enough. It looks like it is the size of a mini van!

So think muscular guy with beard that looks like he just drug his face through the underbrush with a hammer with the eyes of wow and you sort of get the impression of what I am seeing. The guy stops and spits and the air screams as the spit flys through the air and splats on the ground. I don't know what it is but my eyes start to water as I lay there, not a little water either where I can just wipe it away. This is like the faucets of the eyes are opened up and water comes pouring out. I look from side to side and see that the same thing is happening to the film negative elves. What is causing this and I accidentally sniff.

Oh monkey, what is that smell! It smells like.... It smells like....... Smell is being kind if there was something that meant worse than smell it would be that. I try to find some fresh air without breathing and not being too successful. I want to gasp but I am afraid of what would happen if I did. Did we all step in something and just realize? I look down at my feet and see nothing. Did someone else? I motion with my head towards the others feet and see nothing when they show me.

I hear stomping but I am more concerned with the smell and trying to find it's source. Did someone become a home for stink bugs? Oh please no...... I will so show them who I am if it is that, please tie me up and leave me behind. I gasp, I had to my lungs were screaming and they might start crying soon.

But... The air smelled more potpourri now. What the? Was it the? It couldn't be but as soon.... I am pretty good at math so I can add two and two together. As the stomping quickly stomped away I had to find out.

"Okay who was that?"

((Now words...))

[Catherine]

"What?" One of the film negative elves asked surprised, "How can you not?"

"Well um..." I answer as I try to think of a better one. I am new here, no while good it might set off alarms and I might be treats differently. I just had a banana milkshake and I am in the middle if a brain iceberg. Good and very realistic, especially if you get a really good one. You slurp and expect a boat to find from nowhere and crash into you. But film negative elves might not know  what banana milkshakes are, I know gasp the humanity. They don't know what they are missing if they don't have banana  milkshakes. A small tear for them If they don't. So if answer with banana milkshake I would get the look of 'What the?' I would have to make shakes for the elves and find out bananas don't exist up here so I would have to use something else and it wouldn't be as good. The elves would be turned off from banana milkshakes for the rest of their lives. Can't do that....

"I forgot, what with the climb and everything. It started to happen right after the one thing."

The elves nodded, "yes the one thing that makes sense."

Okay did I miss something? There was a 'one thing' and I was just making something up best to play like I know, "Yes that one thing. Dark days. Dark days.Anyways who was the guy again?"

One elf looked at me, I will call him 'Bert' and pointed backwards in the direction that the big guy went, "That was Thor."

"Thor?" I asked and Bert nodded, "The Odinson, brother of Loki. Tosser of Lightning. Wielder of Mjöllnir."

"Oh yes that Thor," I said with a nod, trying to look like I understand, "I am bad with names sometimes. Now I recognize him." Nodding one last time to look confident, if I crossed my arms in front of me that would be pushing it. Really pushing it it I spread my legs apart too. You see there are three stages of confidence; stage one is a nod, stage two is arms crossed in front of yourself with a nod and finally there is legs spread apart with nod and arms crossed in front of you and of possible with some type of dramatic lighting oh and a short guitar riff. Since I was faking I thought it was best to stay stage one because well best to look at the next paragraph.

Okay that Thor! The one that speaks like,"Where out thou?" and stuff. But by the movies he is always clean, well sort of..... Okay more clean than this one was and smelled nice. The one I just saw didn't smell nice at all, in fact they could add the title 'hater of soap' to his long title and oh 'the smeller is the feller'. Okay that last one wasn't that good but I couldn't say 'Lord skunk butt' because he has a hammer and it is a pretty big one. I have a distinct allergy with big hammers that can pound me into the ground or little ones that drop on my feet.

But if that was the Thor, Hollywood did a lot of Photoshopping on him to make him look good. Fan girls are going to be disappointed, yeah you know he doesn't look like that. All nice and clean shaven and well clean, he looks like this! Crying will fill the air mixed in with "Why? and "Are you sure?" and "Say it isn't so....." I was wondering why everyone in the movies were gasping after Thor walked away and when he raised his hammer that one time and Where are thou'd, I saw a flower wilt and a guy hit the ground. I thought it was the sheer power of Thor and now I know the truth, it was the power of eye watering pee-ew. He doesn't need tossing his mighty hammer just lift up his arm.

*note to self - self, write note to fan girls of Thor. Telling them to buy a ton of those pine tree air fresheners and possibly a gas mask. Oh and warning them that their eyes will water and not because they are seeing Thor but because they are smelling Thor.*

I raise a hand, "Next question, the big guy didn't tell me and now with the God of thunder thing. What are we doing?"

((Waif a moment now this is getting strange.))

[Catherine]

I thought with the introduction of the God of thunder there would be some loosening of lips but I guess the anti-potpourri smell coming off of him helped tighten them back up. "Come on guys, it's Bob. You can trust me. Have I done anything for you to question it. Nope, " I say shaking my head. Okay yeah I have only been with them for a little bit but it seems like they they are family. There is Bert, that guy over there with the ears, then that other guy with ears and oh I almost forgot that guy over there and the other one other there. Okay so not close family, more like a friend's third cousin of another friend's third cousin, but still  what do they have to lose in telling me?

The film negative elves looked back and forth amongst themselves before one the one with ears that wasn't Bert answered, "we are going to raid their armory and grab some stuff."

"Cool. Cool," I say nodding, "Wait, what? You want to do what?"

The same elf answered matter of factually, "Raid the armory ."

"That is what I thought you just said. Why would you raid their armory?"

"Well that is where their weapons are at and we need weapons so..." The not Bert elf answered with a little hand swish.

"Okay yeah, but did you just see Thor? If he catches you he will stomp you. Not a friendly stomp either. One that will hurt and probably end in casts, bandages and probably eating everything through a straw."

"Yes we know, why do you think we hide for when he went walking by. He got a hold of an unite of ours and that wasn't pretty. We thought if we snuck in, we could get in and then out without anyone noticing."

"Good plan but do you know anything abut the armory. Security or number of people?"

The not Bert elf shrugs, "Nope."

"So you were just going to sneak in and hope Thor or someone just as smelly isn't there?"


"Yeah well that is how it happens," another film negative elf answers. I will call him Lewis maybe.

"But Lewis, that is really risky. Something unexpected could happen and you end up in intensive care. Doubt you want that. Especially with all the screaming, "stop that", "I am not built to bend that way", "don't stick it there" and other ones.

"You got a point Bob and who is Lewis?"

I swing an arm out, flipping my hand over at the sane time. Don't ask me if I can chew gum at the same time. It was tested once and well things happened. Dark things, things that are dark so that is eht they are called dark. How was I suppose to know that it would happen. I never expected it would happen. It wasn't pretty at all. *shiver*  Not pretty at all, poor penguins.

"See there you go but I think I can help. I have magic that might trick those in the armory."

"What type of magic?" The not Bert film negative elf asked.

I nodded, "Glad you asked. You see I can change myself so I don't look so elfísh. Let me show you."

The elves nodded and I turned away, removing the hairpins from my ears and the stylish sunglasses before turning back around, "See!" The eleven of course clapped and murmured amazing. One even asked if I was bob and I nodded. "See if I go in looking like this there will be less chance of pain and agony."

The big elf, you know the one with the ears stepped up, "that sound look an excellent plan. Do you accept this mission?"

Thumb came up, "Of course, be right back." Before the film negative elves could say anything I was already gone leaving a cute me shaped cloud where I was. I think I heard one of the elves saying something but too late. Monkey on a mission... Duh duh duh.

((Just think of it as Mission impossible but cuter and I don’t have to stand on a milk crate))

[Catherine]

I slip the hairpins back into my bag, rubbing the tips of my ears afterwards. Not sure how the elves do it but I hope I haven't bruised my ears of made them permanent red. That would be so bad. People would ask about them all of the time.

"What is up with the ears? They are all red and everything."

Slowly I would slip on a knitted cap, "Nothing...."

"Oh my god they are glowing through the hat!"

"What? No they aren't!"

It would be so embarrassing. Rooms would light up in an eerily red glow when I walk in. People would look for warning lights go off and smoke. Maybe even a truck backing up, would I have to start beeping?

Pushing my way through the bushes, I start seeing a large wood building. Again the movies got it wrong. No larger citadels that glow for one reason or another, thinking addiction to led lights. No flying boats or creatures either i think, Hollywood really screwed up.,so disappointed. All there is buildings made of dark wood with stuff growing all over it. I think there is a pig sitting on one. Wow and I think I see sheep on top of another. Talking about rustic, I thousght gods were all "We are almighty and surround ourselves in shiny glowing things" and not "Hey yah we are gods and stuff. Miss Oinky is giving you a look. Ya better watch out or somethan."

Definitely taking a mental snapshot and slapping it down in front of Hollywood, "Look. Look! Many fan girls dreamed about being taken away by Thor all because of you. They will look at you with a dirty look and probably catch a disease if they saw this." Oh and include a dramatic point down with a finger with a slow shake of the head. "For shame....."

I stand there safe in the bushes, mud free as a goat walks by giving me a look. Oh I forgot, I guess gods don't like grass or solid ground either. There is mud for as far as the eye can see. This is going to get messy, I tell myself as I take a step out and get that sinking feeling. Eeeewwwwww.......

((What is my... By the bananas who threw the juju beans down on the floor? This isn’t a movie theater.))

[Catherine]

Okay I am finding that silent ninja sneaking isn't really possible in really deep mud. Can't be really gasp either since you have to do one foot at a time, secretly dreading that as you lift a foot up the shoe will be left behind. Since you are already have one foot in the mud, what can you do? Balance on one foot? That will last so long until KERPLUNK!  Bend over and try to see if you can reach the shoe. Um.... That might get you a fall forwards face plant KERPLUNK!  Hmm... What else? Nothing that isn't dirty. Eep *blush * I didn't mean it like that. It is dirty because of the dirt.  Not because of the well you known, that stuff!

Anyways I am sitting there, trying to figure out and I hear someone approaching and all I hear is warning lights and buzzers. Frantically I look around, okay one foot is in the mud and the other is out. Maybe if I stretch I can maybe grunt and pull myself out. I try stretching but quickly stop when the KERPLINKs get louder. Need to figure out something, nothing like "Oh hey I am just studying this thing right here" and point to mud. I could use the fail safe though, "I dropped my contact and I am sort of lost. Could you help me to the armory. Oh hey have I wandered into a big thing of pudding, because I think I have." Of course I would have to say in a Norse accent, "Art thou my contact. It hurdled from mine eye and I need assistance. May you verily take me to the place of arms?" Or something similar, my Norse is rusty.

The kerplunking gets closer, quick decision time. Maybe I can just stand still and maybe be mistaken as a bush or sort of a shrub, a cute an adorable one but still one. I would just have to bring my hands up like this and blow my cheeks out and this other thing and maybe put a fake bird on my head. Don't think anything of this harmless bush, just keep walking by, maybe even lift it and take it to the armory. The armory could use a bush p.....

KERPLUNK KERPLUNK KERPLUNK KERPLUNK KERPLUNK

Okay..... I freeze in place, not in a proper bush firm but more scraggly bush or maybe even a sapling if you close your eyes and look away. It will have to work! Worry glisten starts to run down my back. Please have some top of eye problem or be preoccupied with reading a newspaper, 'Thou out da news',

KERPLUNK KERPLUNK KERPLUNK

I start to see a shadow and whoever it is, is built like something. I don't see arms shadows or even a head one, just one big shadow. It must be vole deer or something, you know thor's friend. He was built like the shadow shows. Oh my monkey, he might be hungry and not have any second thoughts about eating a bush, well a sapling. I am not a fruit tree!!!


((Kerplunk))

[Catherine]

I stand there all sapling like wasting and glistening. If it is vole deer I am as good as eaten I just know it. "Ah look an appetizer" and no chewing just pick up off the ground and stick in mouth. I couldn't say anything until it is too late and I am getting slobbered all over me since saplings can't talk. Not even sure if he would realize that I would beating on his tongue with my fists saying "Let me out. I don't want a slobber bath. I didn't bring soap!!!!" Vole deer probably would think I am just a really spicy sapling like um.... That one tree. No that one sounds syrupy. Okay how about, no that is just nutty. How about, okay that one doesn't work either. You get what I am trying to say right? Monkey plus slobber equals something this girl doesn't want to experience, it isn't on my bucket list either, even though with Vole deer there would be buckets of ick.

Just the thought alone is making me shiver as I silently beg not to be slobbered. It would take me too long to get clean, I tell myself. Slobber can get everywhere. Months from now I would still be finding some. "What is this? Oh ick......." Maybe if I was real fast I could slip on a decontamination suit, yellow with a face mask. Then vole deer might think I am out of season and just lumber by.

KERPLUNK KERPLUNK

If I haven't mentioned, I close my eyes to be safe. I would wear safety glasses or even goggles but yeah well. Saplings don't wear those. Obviously they don't practice safety. They would probably run with pruning shears if they could run of course that would be kind of strange to see though.

"Did you just see what I saw? "

"A sapling with pruning shears? Yes..."

"Isn't that sort of dangerous. You know what little snip and well snip."

"Yeah but they are extreme I guess"

I can feel the breath on my face. It is going to be like from that dinosaur movie. When the big one got hungry and decided a nom. Any moment now, it was nice knowng you.

Baaa.................

What the? I open one eye and then another to see a set of eyes looking at me. Laughing to myself I pat the sheep on the head, good and I am not checking. I will go with girl because if it was a boy it would have horns and probably would have been butted by now. "I can't believe I thought you were Vole Deer."

The sheep just looks at me blankly and keeps chewing whatever it is chewing. I give it another pat and try to step around to no success. Stupid mud. Stupid foot. Stupid I like the shoes being worn and didn't want to break up the set. I need to figure out a way to get free.

Baa...............


Hmmmmm...... "Yeah baa........" I answer the sheep with a nod.  Then a I get an idea and an idea torch goes boink over my head. Hey it would have been a bulb but Norse gods don't have those so yeah staying with the retro times.

*idea torch boink*

((Can’t have idea lightbulb has to be a Torch duh.))

[Catherine]

"I have use of you sheep," I say with the idea torch glowing brightly above me. Idea moths blissfully fluttering into the dancing idea flame. Little burning ideas falling to the mud all around me. Okay that was a little extravagant but hey this idea was good.

You see what was standing in front of me was a Norwegian sheep which are different from others. Not sure why though, just are. Maybe it is the harsh conditions or maybe because of well trolls. Yeah I had to bring them up, I was trying not to honest. But if I said pigeons you would have just looked at me like, What the? So yeah trolls.

Trust me once you have seen one you would never forget it. They have that look that says troll and nothing else.  You would look and just nod, "Yeah troll." Recently they have taken up wearing fuzzy sweat pants at all times of the day and no matter where they go, flip flops and unkept hair. Usually their breath smells too, not complaining but toothpaste. I hear they are commonly seen in a certain furniture store, wondering the clearly marked winding path looking for that certain something. Proudly holding it up when they find it, "Isn't it beautiful?"

"Um I guess, it is practical and mass produced."

Scratch sweat pant covered butt.

"Okay I will take that as an answer.

Where was I going with that? Oh yeah trolls and Norwegian sheep. Since there are trolls the sheep don't have the soft fur like others, so you can't sink into it to never be seen again. The Norwegian sheep's fur is more dense so less 'humpum, quick get a stick or something I am sinking in.'  So I don't have to worry about bring swallowed up by sheep fluff. You know scientists are still trying  to figure out where a person sinks to when swallowed by sheep fur. It is one of the world's greatest mysteries right up there if the light stays on in the refrigerator when the door is closed. I know every time I open the door it is on.

Carefully I place one hand on the sheep's head and the other on its butt, yeah I know I am risking it with one of those. The sheep could be a biter. What is that look for? It could be, all they do is chew grass no stuff so there is the possibility. What is that look for? You thought I was talking about what? Èw that is gross. Why would i? That is just ick. Anyways what I was trying to say that I was going to do was influence the sheep to move by turning my arms.

"Okay bah, let's give this a try. I need you over there, if not I will eating mud. So......" I start to turn my arms, putting the just right amount of pressure on the sheep..don't want to bruise it. Nothing happens at first so I apply just a little more pressure and nothing.

"Please cottonball, I don't want to be stuck here," I beg, increasing the pressure. Hoping the sheep will finally succumb to it even though it was taught differently In school. For a moment I thought it moved but..... Nope! All it did was sway back and forth. I push again and still nothing. Does it not understanding hand language?

I push a little harder and even grunt. Which I think got the sheep's attention. It took a step forwards and as it did I influenced it more so eventually it was standing right where I needed it, if I did my math rift.

Take the square of falling forwards and subtract me over sheep then add the root of bah and you get the proper spot for falling, which is right there. Okay right there, forgot to carry the one.

Anyways sheep in position and I perform a trust exercise. If the sheep moves I get a face full of mud pie, which I am trying to cut back on.

I fall and THWUMP, it worked. I throw my arms up and over the sheep, "Pull with all your might bah bah."

Please let it work.....

((witty comment here..))

[Catherine]

I hug the sheep and hug it sort of hard, like it is big pillow so I don't squeeze the stuffing out of it. I don't need to see that and the sheep definitely doesn't want to experience it. Unless it is into it of course, which it could be. It could secretly be going to a support group for help.

"Hello my name is Steve and I am addicted to seeing my stuffing."

"Hi Steve..." the support group calls out.

The leader or whoever she is clicks her pen several times, "Steve I know this is personal but when did you discover you liked seeing your stuffing?"

"I found out when I was young and it was by accident. It sort of just happened and I was scared but...."

Click goes the pen several times , "But what Steve"

Steve blushes which is hard for a sheep for several reasons. One being he is a sheep. The second ties into the first, have you seen a sheep blush? Anyways Steve blushes, "I was excited too." The other members of the group clap at the same time as the pen clicks, "I am glad you can admit that Steve. It is an important first step in the process."

Anyways I wasn't pushing it so not squeezing Steve hard enough to find out. That and stuffing and mud don't mix. They aren't like peanut butter and chocolate, they don't go good together.

At first nothing happened, Steve was trying but maybe the added weight was causing troubles. Before anyone says anything the added weight wasn't that much, it was just enough. I hear giggling, who is giggling? It was the proper weight and I would show you if I there was a scale around here.  Since Vikings don't believe in them I guess it won't be possible and before you ask I am not sitting in that thing over there. That would only tell us that I way a couple stones and three pebbles, I am pretty sure there isn't a conversion table for that..... Hmm, what? What do you want to show me? A piece of paper, that is nice. What look at what is on the paper, ok.... Okay hmmm 'Rocks, they aren't just good for throwing in glass buildings. Now they are good for telling if you a a boulder butt.' Interesting but obviously fake, these numbers here and over there look funny so i will have to say fake and really the sheep is waiting, so back to the story.

The sheep strained trying to pull us that way.its little legs working and working but to no avail. "Come on bah, you can do it. Don't give up now, I know you have the leg strength, you jump over fences at night. Which is kind of odd but that is better than  standing at the end of the bed starring all night."

The sheep tried again and nothing but suddenly I heard a loud KERCHUNK and my eyes flew open. Did the sheep just drop its gearbox? Which wouldn't be good since I wouldn't even know where to start with that. Just stand there scratching my head and continually asking 'It goes where? Are you sure? Why is it smiling for?'

Suddenly the sheep lowers and we start to move, it must have dropped to a lower gear. I nod, it makes sense really. More power goes to the tires and then freedom!   I am not complaining, we are moving that way.

"Keep going. We are almost there." Followed with a couple pats on the side..

(*sheepoflage...))

[Catherine]

We get so far and suddenly everything comes to a stop, almost like we are being held back by something. The sheep strains for a moment, gritting its teeth and everything. Sweat forming on its forehead and everything. "Like the little train, think you can," I tell it as I hold on and it bahs in response.

It hunkers down and lunges forwards which seems like it works, it moves forwards but...... I don't! Somehow in the jerking and stuff, I lost my grip and that isn't good! I can imagine myself hanging in mid air for a brief moment, looking down towards the mud, gulping and SPLAT! I learned at an early age that I don't like mud pie, maybe it is the texture or even the taste that doesn't agree with me. No matter how much whip cream or ice cream you serve with it, it never tastes good. There is always that 'I am wet dirt' thing going on.

So I do what any normal red blooded monkey girl would do, frantically grab for anything and everything. Being careful on what I grab of course, I don't want to grab on to the wrong thing. Like a nostril, ew boogers. Ear, ow and earwax. Which would make a very bad candle, not the ear but the wax. Lips, that is just like grabbing the tongue. No way am I going to do that. It would sound weird in a story too.

"Yeah and then I touched the sheep's lips."

The listener would cough, "You did what and why?"

"Um touched a sheep's lips and I was falling and had to grab a hold of something."

"Uh huh and you decided the lips were best?"

"It wasn't like I chose those, I was falling and reached out and just happened to grab them."

"Uh huh, next you will tell me you grabbed the tongue too."

"Well....."

Listener coughs again and this time maybe with milk, "Oh my god, wait until the guys hear this."

"What? You don't need to tell anyone about this."

The listener nods, "oh I think I do. Hey guys, Nichole likes the feel of sheep lips and got tongue from one."

"What?!? It was an accident and it wasn't like that!"

See and so embarrassing too. Friends would bah when I walk by and leave cotton balls wherever I could find them. So I grab something safe, fur and death grip it. No way, no how am I tasting mud today. Well not if I can help it and I definitely can help it.

The sheep grunts and I hear a wet pop behind me, then we start moving forwards. I am hoping when we get to dry land that I don't look down and see a foot missing, I would hate to start going pirate at such a young age, especially with the termites.

"You can do it," I keep chanting as the hours which is probably seconds tick by until finally the sheep falls to the ground with its feet out. Letting out a tired bah as it does. "Thank you," I say as I pull myself up and lean against the side of the sheep. I sit there breathing hard, can't believe getting out the mud was that hard what with all of the work. Okay I didn't do much. Okay the sheep did most of it but I was holding myself up the whole time dangerously close to the mud.

I look down and see toes, all of them wiggling. "Good got toes.... All five of them."

((Never touch a sheep’s lips. Never ever touch them unless you want.....))

[Catherine]

I rest for a moment, any longer would have been dangerous, before patting the sheep and getting up. 'Thank you bah, without you I would have been stuck out in the mud and possibly become a fossil eventually. You rest now, you deserve it."

The sheep gives me a tired bah and just lays there like tired sheep do.

My back pops as I stretch from side to side and I think my tail yawns as I look at the door. Wood of the door type. Matches the style of the rest of the building,rustic and warn, if I wasn't looking for a door I would have missed it. Especially since the shutters matched exactly, just smaller. How deceptive, someone would open a shutter thinking it was small door and find a window instead. How deceptive indeed. Door no window and next. Door no window and next. Window no door and next. Door no window and next. Wait a minute I was looking for a door and I think I just found one... Building deception into the architecture, almost as deceptive as those half doors. Those are tricky indeed, especially when you aren't paying attention or carrying something large in front of you.

I step up and study the door knob which if I didn't know better looked like it was growing out of the door. Wood again, beavers would have a field day here. I do notice something as I stand there looking at the door, there is no lock that can be seen. Which makes picking the lock impossible, no way for a criminal to break into a house if they can't find the lock to break. Criminals are probably shaking a hand in the air cursing the no lock doors of the Vikings.

Carefully I reach up to the door knob and turn it, hearing a pop moments before the door swings open a little. Yeah not everyone would have just tried using the doorknob they would have knocked , asking to be let in. But I am not just anyone, I am....

*Switch my imaginary adventurers hat to a cat burglars hat, you know with cat ears meow. *

... A cat burglar. Well not really but I have a cute imaginary hat so why not and how hard is it really to steal cats. Herding them is probably hard but stealing them is probably easy. Until the claws go SNIKT and then yeah not pretty.

I open the door a little bit, look inside and see another big guy standing there. Slowly I close the door and lean up against it.

Need to find a disguise....

((Now what to wear??))

[Catherine]

The best thing you can do if you are looking for a disguise is to look around. Take in the surroundings and see what others are wearing or is hanging on hangers. Because disguises are Important since well they help you blend in, take the following example and tell me what is wrong.

The setting is a um..... A Viking village with mud and a sheep. Oh and big wooden buildings and at least one Norse god who doesn't  know how to shower. In walks a cute and adorable monkey girl, did I mentioned cute and adorable? I did, just wanted to make sure since that could make or break the whole scene. Anyway the monkey girl comes walking into the village with a big twenty gallon hat on, chaps, vest with tassels, jeans and big leather boots. She comes walking in Ching squish Ching squish Ching squish. Bowing head as she walked by a woman, "Mam!" The woman giving the strange girl a 'What in the world?' look.

What was off in that example? You are saying it is the pigeon in the backyard. Well there are some that  look up to the mighty pigeon, maybe some statues even. But no the pigeon is suppose to  be there so what doesn't? The what? I look back. Nope not in there unless you.. Let's go with something. So what is wrong? Let me give you a hint, big hat.

Oh now you get it, it is the Viking with the big ram horns on her helmet. What? No. It is the cowgirl with the twenty gallon hat. Come on she sticks out like a sore thumb. The other woman is just wearing the latest Viking fashion. Something about the bigger the horns the bigger the....what? Yeah I know they get stuck when they walk through doors. Small birds always land on them and you can only look so mean with like twenty little birds sitting there tweeting away. Then Rams.... They see the horns and just charge. Anytime and anywhere. I have heard stories and wow. They still can't figure out how the goat got where it was, slowly rising out of the water with soap bubbles dripping iff of it.

So disguise....... Looking around I see rustic and a sheep. Should do a sheep disguise but that would be hard on the knees. I could transform, allergic to wool so that is a no go.

Looking off to the side I see clothes hanging and an idea goes BOINK. I guess it is best to go native, unless  it cannibilistic. Then I rather stick out like a sore thumb as I am running away.

I grab what looks like pants, shirt and a cloak. All made out of what looks like burlap and feels like it too. Which explains why they went berserking all of the time. "This is rubbing all wrong growl  hiss and feels like sandpaper hiss spit and growl!"

Definitely going to be wearing my clothes under the stuff. I am not sure if my skin can take direct contact with this stuff. Also I am hoping what looks like a blood stain isn't one but Vikings will be Vikings. So I think maybe someone got thou'd in the gut and spillith some blood.  What else? Then I saw it and at first I thought it was a nasty looking bird sitting there was actually some type of feather thing. It wasn't the prettiest, not even close to be honest and the whole time I swore it was looking at me. But it should really add to the disguise.

Just needed one more thing, I thought when suddenly my big toe hit something  and a tear forming. "What the?" "Ow!" and other words were said as I hopped around. What did I hit, I asked myself and look at the point of impact and saw them sitting there, one word came to mind 'Perfect!' Then a couple more as I smiled a little, just a little because my toe was still hurting but the words were 'It will be perfect!' 

((Now you know how to disguise so go disguise... Go go unless you are at the zoo then don’t. Zookeepers get a little trigger happy when they a lion or tiger just walking about and I am pretty sure you don’t want a dart or darts in your butt today. ))

[Catherine]

Okay I need to make the entrance believable, the disguise is perfect. I even added some mud rubbed here and here and a little under the eyes. Just enough though, I don't  need to look like a blob of mud. Then for something extra I did something gross. Sheep spit in the hair to make it all spiky and to give that I just got done berserking look. Yeah I know, a lot gross but if you knew what mousse is made up you might even try it.

Now I don't know what mousse is made of but just say it out loud and do some math. I mean it is pretty obvious. Yeah I know and you are wondering why you never realized it before. Mousse is made from moose snot. I know Ick. Nose droppings in the hair. I don't know who even thought of using it the first time, "You know what , my hair keeps going all over. I need something that will keep it in one place. You know what? I think I am going over to that moose over there and stick my head up its nose." I mean how and why? Now you know why you don't see moose just hanging around. They are tired of people just coming up when they are trying to relax and stick their heads in the moose's nose.

Just knowing that, I think makes the sheep spit a little better. It is a hundred percent natural too and no sheep were hurt in the process. All I did was stick a hand out, it licked it and I shuddered as I ran it through my hair. But look hair up and berserker grr spit and hiss look reached.

To sell the whole disguise I need a good entrance. No finger guns shooting as I walk in, "bang bang bang thou I am art here." Eyebrows and then axes would rise. So that isn't good. Could do the fast food delivery thing. Knock knock "gjÇ«r food. Thou have though food in time."  The thing is I wouldn't know what to deliver. Everything else around here looks rustic and natural. Guessing they look at vegetables with a questioning look so I am guessing animal. The one thing I would have to worry about then are predators. Quick frantic knocking, "Letmein.Letmein. foodherefoodhere. QuickbeforethewolvesImeanitgetscold." I could just sneak in and go hey with a friendly wave and smile. But that so isn't Viking, I could spit but I am not a camel. That only leaves one way, the Viking way!!! Duh duh duh......

I walk up to the door giving the sheep a friendly wave and a pat on the head as I ready myself. If the door is locked I am going to be having a hurt foot and would be really embarrassed. Wham! "Ow ow ow can someone get the door for me?" Could try the door, open it a little to see and everything but where is the fun in that.

Slowly I inhale and exhale, focusing on the door. Legs comes up and I kick with all of my might. This is going to be an awesome entrance, I thought as my foot flew forward. The door is going to blow open and BANG! Everyone will look and that one Viking in the corner will be scared., especially if I throw in some heavy breathing like I just wrestled four bears at once and maybe spit, that seems Norse.

Of course what plays in my head would have been cool and everything but... Door swings open and I go flying into the room, flying kick style. At the last moment I let out a HIYAH so it looks like I meant to go flying across the room and wasn't caught by surprise. No surprise at all, okay the big wooden shield falling down on top of me with a UMPH was but other than that, all planned.

*stuck under shield nod*

((Hmmm well hmmmm))

[Catherine]

I don't know why Vikings need their shields to be so heavy, it feels like I am being crushed by something really heavy. I am laying there pushing with all of my might and nothing. Grr.... Let me try, no that doesn't work either. This sucks, stuck under a shield and can't do anything about it. No matter how..... much...... I...... Push..... Nothing...... Like a turtle on its back but I am on my stomach. *Grunt* you didn't hear me just do that but yeah heavy. Wait no HEAVY, ergh!

I can't believe I am stuck under the shield. Not under as in arms and legs stuck out flailing around, that actuality be nice. No I am stuck under the shield as in, hey why is that shield sitting on the floor? Do you hear something thumping and a muffled voice?

From anywhere else in the room, I am sure they might hear the thumping of the shield on the ground as I try to lift it. Got it.... nope and thump. Let's try....nope and thump. How about... thump.

This is ridiculous, why do they need the shields to be so heavy. Like mini bus heavy.... I might break my grunter if I grunt anymore, not like you are hearing the grunting. I had that part edited out since well ick. I asked for black boxes but they said it would be a waste of ick so we just left the words out. Grunt! Well other than that I one too.

The thought of me suffocating under the shield came to mind and I started to freak out. I spun around under the shield and started to hit it with both hands over and over as fast as possible. No way will my ticket be punched by a shield,  that and I don't have a ticket. Was I suppose to get one? Why didn't anyone tell me before I kicked in the door and I would have gotten one. Will I be kicked out of the scene when someone comes around to collect them?

"Ticket?"

"Mphpph mmmpmm mmpphpppm hhmmpmm."

"What?" The ticket collector asks before lifting the shocked with one hand, "What?"

"Sorry, I didn't know I needed a ticket and don't have one."

"Then you must exit the scene until you get one."

"Okay how?" I ask still trapped, then start to say ow a lot as I am pulled from under the shield.

"Now go get a ticket and then come back. Then you can participate in the scene."

Shoulders hung low I head towards the ticket booth I think. To buy a ticket so I can participate. Come back, hand the ticket to the ticket person and then crawl under the shield.

I keep punching the shield with my hands as fast as possible.

THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!THUMP!

Between all the thumping I hear someone asking someone else what was causing the thumping sound, so I did what any red blooded monkey girl would do, keep punching the shield with my hand.

"It is coming from over there," I hear someone say followed by footsteps. All I could think is, good freedom at last.

"Didn't an angry bird or something fly in. It is probably that, get the axe so we can eat it."

Angry bird? Eat? Axe? Those are words I never thought or never wanted to be associated with me. Had to think..... Slowly the shield began to rise.... And think fast! 

((Kentucky Fried monkey girl is not and I will  repeat NOT on the menu. Does the writer hear me?))

[Catherine]

I grab or wedge or something  myself into the inside of the shield. It was that big, it must be a defensive shield because there us no way it could be an offensive shield. "Okay you attack and then you put your weapons down and help me with this. Maybe I can get behind and brace it and you slam your face into it over and over. Does that work for you?" Definitely bigger isn't better in the offensive shield side of things. There won't be any warriors saying, as they swing there hands out really wide, "I once got the snot knocked out of me by a shield this big." If they do, they must have slipped. "Defend thi self!"swing weapon and "Woh, whoops and hold on," slip and slip more and face meets shield.

I inner laugh, a hall full of shields marked properly of course. A woman with other people following behind her, "Now this shield was used for slaying the mighty troll BLARG BLARG. He killed armies until a mighty warrior stepped up with only this shield. Who properly bashed his face in. If you look you can see impression of BLARG BLARG's face on it. Now let's move over to this shield. It was shoved down a dragon's throat with much force. No more villages were burned down or virgins eaten after that. Now over there is an interesting shield..."

As the shield and myself was lifted the feather thing slipped off and hit the group with a feather thump. My tail started to go for it but stopped when I motioned for it to wait. Which was a good idea, since well words.

"Look I told tho it was an angry bird," I heard. What is whoever it is talking about? I am not a bird! I don't come anywhere close to a bird. No beak. No wings. No talons. I don't caw or tweet. So what? Dud this person take one too many shields to the head?

"Look at it. It looks a little angry," I heard another voice say. It? It?!? Haven't they seen a girl with a tail before? Maybe they are in awe of my cuteness and adorability, it is a law I think, no wait an amendment.

*clear throat while hanging on. Amendment one niner apple pie is delicious period two. Adorability and cuteness sometimes brings staring and wow. Maybe pinching of the cheeks sometimes too. Remember to practice to practice smiling. Okay this is a weak amendment compared to other ones. It is sorry and will try harder next time.

Why do they I insist that I am a bird? I wasn't shot here by a slingshot. Looking down, I see the answer, the feather thingie. Now it makes since and it does look angry. So instead of dropping down or saying something I hang on.

"Look at it. It just sits there And stares."

I can feel my arms and legs begin to shake. This isn't good, with shaking comes dropping down with an embarrassed smile and wave, "Hey I was just hanging around and thought I would drop in." Okay not the best, but my arms are screaming and I can barely hear a thought. Okay need to drop  down but...
 
The unexpected happens, the shield is leaned against a wall, thank monkey. I give it a minute or three before dropping to the floor all ninja like. Curiosity got the best of me, I had to see what the angry bird watchers looked like. Slowly I peek over, hoping a hand doesn't rush towards me or anything. It be hard to be stealth if you go umph  whenever sometime grabs you by the face, just telling you that if you didn't know. Many females in horror movies do that, monster grabs them. They scream and well, okay run but eventually the monster will find them.. Jails are the last place they hide too. Okay that was another bad one, I will! Need to work on them.

((Whew.))

[Catherine]

Let me paint you a scene, two big giant guys with muscles and furs. I hope it is furs and not body hair because ick! I mean yes beards and everything but arm pit hair no! Oh my monkey no no no. Especially if it can be braided urp or thrown over your shoulder URP!

But yeah two big guys with fur and leather and stuff, screaming I am Norse hear me make a noise, I think a bodily one too. The movies definitely got the whole Norse thing wrong. Thor was a stink bomb and these two, I will leave it there. They stood there looking at the feather thingie for some reason. Maybe they thought it would attack them. Thou are smaller than us, thee have no chance unless thi want to tickle. Of course size means nothing, the little feather thingie could have battle axes and hammers thee size of the Norse hidden somewhere. We fear thi not feather thing. Out comes the axe and hammer and the Norse goes urk!

While their  attention is drawn to the feather thingie I could SNAP got it!  Sorry was doing some thinking and came with an idea. I drop down and behind something. Could be a shield but I wasn't going to sit here, wondering what would be next, no I was going to act on the idea. The light bulb over my... Whoops I mean torch burning bright, says it is a good idea.

I duck down, clear my throat and stand up like I should be there, "Thar sooth it tis I, Valkyrie Nichole." I ball my fists and put them on my hips in a proud pose. It would be so cool and definitely more Valkyrie like with the right lights and a.... Pegasus behind me. Maybe I could do some behind the back shadows puppet sort of thing and fake a Pegasus. Have it rear up and everything at just the right moment, maybe with a guitar riff at just the right moment. Electric not air, just in case you were wondering.

All I get is silence and a cricket. Tweet Tweet Tweet.

Both Norse look at me and then blink and even the crickets get quiet. Never a good sign....

Will someone tweet?

((Great now the story has crickets...))

[Catherine]

Long long moments without anything, if I could I would have looked around for the cricket to see if it was okay. I mean it isn't normal for it not to tweet or anything. Awkward moment and tweet, tweet and tweet. But silence and awkward silence with a cricket tweeting glisten started to form on the back of my neck, the worst type of glisten since it feels like an oyster or ick a slug is on the back of my neck, just sitting there all cold and clammy.

Thankfully and I meant that sarcastically, the Norse started to point and laugh. Right at me! All I could do was stand there and take it thinking there might be a booger or something hanging from my nose, which I wouldn't think Norse would laugh at to be honest knowing what I have seen of them. It might be a mark of honor or something. What else could it be though? A flower in my hair? Maybe a clean spot of skin?  Or something smells clean, gasp!

I got my answer quickly well between all of the laughter and gasping for air when one of the Vikings said, "Look at her, she says she is a Valkyrie," followed by laughter, "It looks like someone kept her in the dryer too long," followed by more laughter. Of course all of the laughter was fueling the mental hissing and spitting inside of me, although the dryer comment caught me of guard. So they can clean themselves and they choose to um not, of course dryer could mean something completely different in Norse maybe. Could break out the Boy Scout manual and see if it has a section on common. Norse terms and traditions.

Lick finger and flip page. Oh look it says that it is a common tradition for Norse to keep sheep around because they are soft. It is also tradition to keep barrels of grog laying about just in case a pop up drinking thing pops up. This thing could be  one of the following; sun coming up or going down, a wind blows, a day that ends 'y' or that guy over there can burp his name. So I get the impression that the up drinking thing can happen at anytime. It also says that all drinking at these pop ups has to be in tankards or in horns. Pretty big jump there, not sure when the horn thing started. Thou I am parched and thou needs a drink. Unfortunately I thou don't have a tankard or can't cup my hand so.... I will rip thou horn off this ram.

"What are you laughing at?" I growl standing there.

One Norse manages to stop laughing long enough to answer, "You say you are a Valkyrie but look at you, you are tiny."

"What is wrong with being small?"

"Oh nothing," the one laughed, "It is just that Valkyries are usually tall and you aren't. Oh and usually blonde. We got a parchment if you want to see some."

"No I am bucking the system, tall and blonde are out. Short and non blonde are the new things for the modem Valkyrie," I answer with a proud pose and smile, which got even more laughter.

"You shouldn't laugh or I might go Valkyrie on you." I answered keeping the pose and everything.

"Ew scary...." Both laughed.

That is it! Time to go Valkyrie on these two!

"I warned you aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

((My hair will not WILL NOT be standing standing straight up and going all golden. It takes too long to get it to lay right again. I think that is why those people scream all of the time. They know how much it will take after to get their hair to sit just right.))

[Catherine]

I saw this cartoon where the guys screamed a lot and their hair turned yellow. Don't ask me why, I couldn't figure it out. I want to be blonde now so I scream! It's not  like they could go to the store and just get some hair coloring. While they were there they could pick up some aspirin to for the headaches they were probably giving themselves and others with all the screaming.

So I guess scream to be blonde. Maybe do something gothy for black hair, chant an Edgar Allen Poe story maybe. Let's see for brown hair.... Say a plant's name in Latin . For red hair, why be cute and adorable of course. Although some say be full of anger. So maybe growl hiss spit. For beach blonde, giggle at the littlest thing.

Since one of the Norse said Valkyries are blonde, I am just going to scream and it is a pretty good scream too, the two guys standing there impressed, mouths open and everything. I raise my hands above my head and right when I am about to throw them down I stop screaming. The room goes quiet and the Norse look at me blankly, what did they expect a light show or something? It takes time to become a blonde, you do it wrong and it comes out orange and you look like you have a pumpkin on your head then it can go the other way and go green and it looks natural in an non natural way. Hey since when did they start growing plants on heads? Are you going to bloom anytime soon?  Do you go to the hairdresser or an arborist to get it cut? Do you have to worry about any strange diseases or infestations like bubbly blonde buggers? What do you do about birds, do you hand a net around yourself so birds don't try to nest?  So many questions when you have green hair by accident. Hey did a baby urp on you? I give them a little smile and motion with a finger, "Can you  two turn around. It isn't right to watch a girl color her hair."  The Norse look at me and then themselves and finally back at me.

"I am not going to sneak out or anything. I am going to be screaming and everything." They look at each other again and shrug, in unison almost, then turn away. "Thank You."

Of course the moment they turn away I start to scream again. Aaaaaaaaaaaaa........ and reach into my bag and root around. Boy Scout Manuel, key to that one thing, magic eight ball and there it is.... Blonde Whig! I continue to scream as I slip it on, making sure my hair is neatly tucked away. Aaaaaaaaaaaaa............

When I am done I let my hands drop. "You can look now.," I say as I take a deep breath. Slowly the Norse turn to face me, their eyes getting bigger as they see me.

"See blonde, I am a Valkyrie. I keep it secret as I walk around so I don't gather a group of people as I walk around,"" the Norse nod, still quite amazed at my transformation.

"But you are so short, Valkyries are taller."


"What? That is just ridiculous, " I say with a dismissive wave of a hand, "size doesn't matter, I could handle anything unless it is on the top shelf. Any other time no problem. That and a flyer was handed down, Valkyries can be short, especially after the battle of cloud's peak. Trolls learned to swing their clubs right at head level and WHACK? But a couple Valkyries were short and whoosh, right over there heads.

"So what do you say? Give a Valkyrie a chance?

((Proud Valkyrie pose))

[Catherine]

"I don't know. Thou are of small stature for a Valkyrie even if what you stated is true," the one Norse said as the other I be nodded.

"So how do I prove it then? I got blonde hair and I look Norse," swinging out my arms, " I could do a blood test but I am not into blood letting that much. Well not at all really actually the whole me stabbing myself to prove something is sort of well ick. All it takes is a drop but there is always someone out there that thinks more is better. Like vamp..... Hey wait a moment, how do I know that one of you isn't a vampire."

Both Norse looked at each other and shrugged., as sure sign of not being a vampire since vampires can't shrug. I don't know why, maybe it is the enlarged canines  that prevents them or maybe it in is some unknown rules; zombies must shamble, ghost must go boo and vampires can't shrug. Makes since to me, I don't think I have seen any movie where one of those did anything but that. But a vampire can learn so best to look into it more.

"What do you think of garlic? Stakes and well I will skip the last one for a reason, " especially since not one of the Norse looks like they bath and if they don't bath they don't need mirrors. I will call it rustic natural and STAMP copyright it just in case it catches on. Oh and I should state some guidelines for rustic natural; bathing optional even though I would recommend it, other people's eyes water when you are near, clothing is made from something from nature and possibly a body of small to medium animal is included in the whole wardrobe things and the use of thou. Zombies can't, they can't contort their lips in the right way.

Both Norse answered me so yeah not vampires or undead "So how do you   want to do this?  I am a Valkyrie, I guess you can't tell other than by just looking at me."

Well pooh just screwed up. This Is going to be interesting. 

((Need to think of a way out of this...))

[Catherine]

I well we just stood there for a second and another second followed by a moment or two until one of the Norse finally spoke up, "If thou are a Valkyrie like you said, how do you pick who you take on the battlefield. Who will die and be taken to Valhalla and then who will live."

"Interesting question," I say with a nod, my tail of course hiding because you know rest would blow my how disguise. The whole 'What is that?' followed by me describing it is a tail and it attached to my butt. Then the whole 'Valkyries don't have tails' thing will start up and I will have to roll my eyes and point, 'Well I am one and well...', point and 'please apologize. I think she is offended.' They might even try to pull it, which I wouldn't doubt since they are Norse. All action first and then ask questions later.

"Did that hurt?"

"Uh yeah, I was screaming and telling you to stop and let go!"

Slowly I walk there back to here, "How do I choose who I take to Valhalla and who should live. Well...." I say and look towards the Vikings as I slowly stroke my chin to give that air of authority, "I usually look at the people. If they are really wounded like more than a little cut or bruise, then I will ask. You know manners pays off and it only takes moment to ask, hey you want to go to Valhalla? Other Valkyrie think it is funny that I ask but it helps cut back on mistakes and you now some  warriors   just aren't ready yet. One of my friends took a guy once and it ended up the big bloody wound she thought he had was actually a bunch of smashed tomatoes. She was busy for days filling out the proper paperwork to take him back. Then there was the whole village thinking he rose from the dead and worshipping him. It went to his head real fast and well another Valkyrie went and hit him a couple days later. He sort of had a run in with a spear. Poor guy, 'I am a god! Urk.....'"

The Norse thought for a moment and slowly shook their heads, "That sounds okay, which way is Valhalla?"

How would I know? Need to make something good up. "That way," I answer calmly as I pointed a thumb over a shoulder, "second star to the right and straight until morning." What is the worse that can happen? "There is a rest stop about half way there which we always stop at."

One of the Vikings elbowed the other, "Sounds legit. Ask her something else, can't be  too careful." The other Norse nodded, "Next question, Valkyrie usually have crows , where are yours?"

Eyes close, "They are messy and no matter what I did, I couldn't get them to wear diapers. It was getting tiring to always be cleaning my shoulders or have to wear safety goggles just in case." I pause when I picture myself with one of those oversize gloves that birding people use for Hawks. Ick. I think I will skip that, the gloves are really big which opens the possibility of smaller birds using it for a perch.  Hard to swing an axe If little birds are flying all over.

The Viking nodded like I said something deep, I was just trying to prevent white shoulder. "Where are yours?"

"Sort of like the birds one. Insects in a person's clothes usually make them itch and i have sensitive skin." I start to pat myself, "I think I have a doctor's excuse around here somewhere...."

The Norse just nod, "I think you are legit."

Yes it work!" Great I am looking for the something and thought you two folks could help.""

"Of course."

Yes I thought, throwing an imaginary hand up in the air .

((Insert witty comment here))

[Catherine]

"But you are still pretty short for a Valkyrie."

I swung around, "Size matters not to a Valkyrie." Then nodded once, just once to stress the point. "We can use any weapon we can get our hands on no matter what, well except for that one. We won't talk about that one though, long story short. A Valkyrie got a hold of it, tripped and took the top off of a mountain. A SCHWING later and the mountain just got a flat top. You don't want to know how much glue it took to put the mountain top back on"

One Norse started to lift its hand in the 'I have a question' position and I didn't wait for  it to reach its apex. "Lots of glue," I say with a little nod, "took forever for it to dry too." Before the Vikings could say anything I spun and with my hands behind my back, walked down the hall. "This feels like the armory, am I right? You don't have to answer, being a Valkyrie I can sense armories and you gave a good collection of them here." I flipped a hand out and ran a finger along the top of a shield, rubbing thumb and forefinger together at the end, "Although it looks like you need to clean them. Will  need to deduct a point for that."

 "What are you talking about? Point?"

"I am talking about a surprise inspection of the armory. You see it is a little known secret that Valkyries also inspect armories. Who better really? Anyways it is time  to do some cleaning. You," I start to say, reaching into my bag I pull out a feather duster.


I stomp on the ground, "Better start now. Once the inspection  is started though it is too late."

((Hmm another witty comment here but hmmm))

[Catherine]

Both Norse just give me a look and if they had thought bubbles over their heads, I think 'What the?' Would be in them. They are guards not maids and to them an armory is suppose to be dusty and dirty. There is no room for cleanliness with hack and slashing, the enemy won't mind I think.

"Hey now before you cut me with that sword, can you clean it off? I don't  want to catch anything."

The one Viking took the duster from me and looked at it. "It is a duster. You clean this with it," I say wiping my finger along the armory next to me, "Very dirty." I don't know what I expected really, maybe the Norse to nod and start to dust. But all he did was bring the duster up to his mouth and bite it, then chew it and finally swallow it. The whole time I stood there with my mouth hanging up, arm up with what is left of the duster in my hand. Um okay doesn't he realize what he just did, I ask myself and not getting any answer thankfully.

I drop the handle and well , "You know you weren't suppose to eat that. It wasn't a bird even though it had feathers. " All I got for an answer was a shrug. That doesn't even answer anything, except for the one thing you do with your shoulders. I take a couple steps up to the Viking, "Are you really going to keep the armory in a state  of needing dusting. I mean it looks like this place is where the dust bunny apocalypse begins."

Just to stress the dustiness, I run a finger over something. Not sure what that something was under all of the dust. All I know was that finger came back with a thick layer of dust on it. Quickly I spin my hand around to show the Norse, dust falling off of it in thick clumps, "Look at this, dust levels at almost dangerous levels. I am surprised you two are still alive."

Guess what I got for an answer. Word? Nope, both Vikings are the strong silent type. Maybe some eye movement? Can't tell behind the  bushy eyebrows. So I do what anyone else would do even, open my mouth to say something.

Something blonde feel in front of my eyes and hear "You aren't a Valkyrie."

((Norse!))

[Catherine]

*note to self - self when you are trying to  be a Valkyrie maybe use hairpins or something so the Whig doesn't slip off. You know the disguise falters when the whig falls.*

"What are you talking about?" I ask the Norse who said I wasn't a Valkyrie. Humph I am a hundred percent fake Valkyrie when i am in disguise. No additives or preservatives. I was tested once, we'll sort of tested really. Once I saw the needle I pointed and said no and "You shall not put a hole in me!"

Of course that is when the whig feel down in front of me. Waiting for the right moment to do so, right when I had my hand up pointing at the Viking trying say he was wrong. Then THUMP followed by an embarrassed nervous laugh with a smile.

"Oh....Kay I can explain that maybe sort of...." I say as I drop my hand, the Norse looking even bigger now. "Let me see, okay what I am going to say is that I am Valkyrie in training. Maybe think of it as I am a green belt and everything. Different levels and stuff. When you reach almost black belt you are given a test to see how Valkyrie you are and if you pass you are a Valkyrie. The final part of the test is shaving your head with some type of weird blade that is all dull, I hear it takes days because of that. The whole what are you doing today and all you can answer is shaving your head and then the other person says you were doing that yesterday and all you can do is nod and point to the bandages on your head. So after you start doing your training you are given a whig to see if you truly want to be a blo....Valkyrie. Most don't make it because of that, I guess it is the whole blonde stereotype thing, you know 'oh my god like which side of this stick thing with a pointy end do I poke into that monster ' thing."

Pause to take a breath as my tail looks for a opening where it can escape from the current predicament. Hopefully it takes me with it.

"Okay where was I, okay yeah. They have classes everyday, most lasting several hours on proper maintenance and care of blonde hair. Some Valkyrie's in training don't make it through that and go stark raving mad.  I remember one class was proper  braiding of the hair, it had to get done by moonlight and stuff. The girl behind me snapped and it wasn't a pretty snap either and I am not sure where the dart came from. After she passed out she was dragged away, I would say kicking and screaming but like I said she was out. Someone slipped and fell later from the drool trail she left."

Another pause to take a breath, which is important.

"So yeah I am a Valkyrie, just one in training. Does that sound believable?"

Okay I should have stopped a little before I did. It would have sounded more believable if I didn't ask if it sounded believable. In fact it would have sounded so believable that I wouldn't have ended up being slung over one of the Norse's backs and being taken somewhere too. 

"I should have went with the other one," I mumbled to self, "that one was more believable."

((Do you want to see my Valkyrie badge?))

[Catherine]

I wave to the sheep as the Norse and I walk by well I am being carried, which makes crossing any mud a lot easier. You might be asking yourself, why isn't monkey pounding her fists for the Viking to let her go and you don't have the answer. If you asked me I would point to the mud, simple answer really and easily missed. It almost claimed me the last time and no way was it going to get me again. That and I caught a glimpse of the norse's back and it was all muscle so it would have felt like a brick wall. So yeah, no beating of fists and yelling.

As we slowly made are way through the village I got a weird idea so..., "Hey where are you taking me?"

To our king. Where else?" One Viking answered.

I shrugged, "Don't know, none of this is scripted so I am just along for the ride. Thank you for not tying my hands together and dragging me behind you. That gets really dirty fast. Also don't like  mud pies. No matter how much whip cream, you just can't get that whole taste out of your mouth.

We pass building after building, all looking the same size until we reach a building built exactly the same but a lot bigger.. "Pretty impressive," I mutter as one of the Vikings  goes to open the door, of course nodding when the Norse opens it, "wow!" Big room with a big table and a big throne at the other of the room. If it was a performance I would we clapping right now.

We marched past the guards and the table . Down to the throne oh and hey , there is a person sitting in it. A guy with a long stick and not sure why.

"Our lord," the Norse say in unison as They start to lower . All I can do is sit there and wait, it wouldn't be the same if I had a spear or something so I have to wait. With his good unless they switch to torture then I will scramble.

I heard the clearing of a throat and in the back of my mind I heard something else, any moment now.....

((Clearing Of the throat is never good. It can mean I have done something wrong...))

[Catherine]

I look up towards the guy sitting on the throne and the first thing that comes to my mind is 'Not so happy Santa that has been on a diet and has one eye.'  Okay, I tell myself as I look around and see everyone bowing down. Anyone of these guys was bigger and stronger and could easily knock this guy's stick away, laugh and announce themselves ruler.  I mean if he was stronger than he looked all they would have to do is sneak up  all ninja like on the side of his one bad eye. Anyone can see that, okay that wasn't that good of a one. Eye will look and see if I can find something better, neither of those were good either.

Okay maybe the old guy was something like a benchwarmer for thrones so the lord's rear doesn't get cold or maybe tests the throne for Booby traps. Slowly I rise up on my tippy toes to see if this lord was maybe approaching and it was,y point of view preventing me from seeing him. But no, no one was back there as far as I can tell. I move over a little and no, maybe if I move over there I can see the lord. I start to turn to head over there when suddenly I feel something on my shoulder and before I can react other than with a 'Hey' followed by a 'What the?' As I get pulled down to my knees.

"Get down, kneel for our lord." I hear one of the Norse growl.

"I can't see him past the old guy with the beard. Hey is ZZ top playing?" Excited I look around to see if I could see the other members of the band. I remember my dad playing their music and they sounded cool, heavy metal or something. My dad even showed me a shirt from one of their concerts he went to once. He would love it if I could get their autographs. I reach into my bag, not sure which member of the band it is but I have to get his autograph for dad, trying to find a pen.

Found one *click click*. Yeah found one. I will be dad's favorite daughter if I got an autograph, okay I am his only daughter but I would still be his favorite. Quickly I start to get up, "Can I get yoooo....."

I was trying to say 'Can I get your autograph?' But someone Norse put their hand on my shoulder and pulled me back down to my knees. With twin THUMPs I was down again and that was followed by "What are you doing?"

"Autograph," I say as I try to get up, "one of the members of ZZ Top is here." Of course when someone that weighs something like a bazillion times your weight, give or take a bazillion, wants you to stay down you stay down. Which is easily fixed by shouting "No means No!" Then applying the proper amount of tazing to them then after they are down shaking pointing at them with a stern look on your face and nodding just once.

"That is our lord," I heard a Norse growl, "not a member of a rock band."

"Well pooh. Dad would have loved it." With a sad thought the pen spun around my finger and back into my bag. I look back up at the old guy and I still don't see why everyone is bowing for. Yeah he has an eyepatch and that is sort of cool but you can find those anywhere, make them even. The last time I checked there wasn't  an eyepatch shortage and if all it takes an eyepatch to be a lord here, I so could be one. Give a rousing speech, stand there for a minute before dropping the Mike and then walk away. Really any pirate could be a lord if you think about it and they would have a parrot too.     

((Having a Norse type day ))