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Author Topic: Breakup with the person above you!  (Read 290284 times)

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Offline Cayenne

Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9675 on: August 27, 2014, 08:56:12 PM »
Dear, woman of whom I am dumping.

It is over, welcome to splitsville.

Population, you.

That's right baby, we are through. It's been fun, all the sex I mean, is you know what I mean and what I mean is sex. You were sexy baby, but I can't be tied down, not by some broad going nowhere, unless that nowhere is the bedroom, if you get my drift. My drift is sex.

Don't worry though baby, you're still one hot number, problem is, I've gotten into math, and I'm going to need as many numbers as I can to make these sexy equations I got in my head! What I mean by that is, have a lot of sex with strangers, I actually couldn't care less about math.

That's it for this note baby, you wanna come by and talk about your feelings sometimes, you know, get closure, so you can move on with your life, feel free to drop by anytime. By dropping by of course, I mean show up wearing nothing for sex and no talking about silly stuff like feelings being hurt.

Sexily yours, Cayenne~

Offline Boatman

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Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9676 on: August 28, 2014, 02:12:23 AM »
This is a prayer to my dear lost Pepper,

How you managed to survive the fall from the cliff and being splattered on the sharp rocks below, I’ll never know. The gods must have been feeling kind that day. Perhaps it was even the great Cybele herself with her band of drunken followers. Yes, she might have thought that good for a laugh on her way to Lesbos for a bit of frolic with the local nymphs.

Was it the uber-mother also that allowed you to mesmerise my poor darling darling Bunny with your scarred and glued-together current form? To take her from me with promises of endless sex? Something I’ve tried, but fallen asleep half way through.

Then, the other day, having secured Bunny helpless and blubbing in some watery cellar somewhere, you had the nerve to visit and say you missed me. You missed the thrust of me apparently.

Being still the same foolish man as ever, on the look out for a bit of totty, I reluctantly (all the while thinking of poor Bunny) allowed you into my bed so I could completely refresh your memory and other parts.

It was some good while later that, thankfully, I realised I needed a wee and stirred. Looking round I discovered you leaning over with the wild eyes and the knife clearly intent on enrolling me into the order of eunuchs.  What have I ever done to deserve that?

“Woaahh,” I cried redirecting the blade into your evil heart. A bit harsh I know, but it seemed the best thing to do in the circumstances.

As you lay dying, we reminisced about the good times together and I saw that old beautiful you for a moment before your eyelids flickered and you swooned.

So, farewell dear Pepper.

PS If you are listening up there in the heavens, or somewhere below the horizon, you’ll be pleased to know I located Bunny and freed her.  Strangely, though she’d been turned into a mermaid and we are trying to figure out the sex thing.

Offline blue bunny sparkle

Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9677 on: August 28, 2014, 11:17:36 AM »
Boatman...

You told me that cellar was going to be... like a vacation. It'll be fun, you said. A change of scenery. But there was only one little window... and a cup of stale water and five crackers. But for you, I wanted to make the best of it!

And now I know the truth! You were cavorting with that two-timing spice, Cayenne!

I know the signs... I've seen her red traces on the bed, the floor, the kitchen table... even up in the mast!

That's it! I'm out of the cellar... *wiggles door* I'm out of... *pushes against it with my shoulder *

Open the f'n door Boatman! I mean it *stomps foot*

*jiggle jiggle jiggle*

Offline Boatman

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Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9678 on: August 29, 2014, 02:47:22 AM »
Dearest Blue Mermaid, ex-love of my life,

You had it all wrong about me and Cayenne. She was just trying to spice up my life, to teach me the basics of making a good kale and kohlrabi kimchi, which, incidentally I think you would have liked.

No, once I’d sorted out your nibbles.. Did I mean nibbles? Yes, yes nibbles and chained you in the seawater tank, you’d seemed much happier.

The thing that got us both down was your decision to have the mermaid operation. I know it was only on a whim as you were passing that plastic surgery place outside the club. And I know you were actually meaning to visit the tattoo parlour next door to get a little ballet dancer impregnated into your ankle.

Yes, its that old walrus in the room.
The sex thing!
I’ve searched Google and looked in all the anthropology and mythology books, but cannot find out how we you know… er.. do it. You know, we get started wonderfully, but when it comes to it, we can’t.

So, reluctantly, and in totally frustrated love, I’ve gone.
I’ve left you some fresh fish… and the keys to the locks.

Offline Rhedyn

Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9679 on: August 29, 2014, 04:29:15 PM »
Ahh, Boatman. I know you love that knife and the funny look you like to give me when I see you holding it. Indeed I found it charming when we first met but now, I have to admit, it's getting a little creepy. I must say goodbye, it's painful but not as painful as the accident that's waiting to happen to either you or me with that thing. Just remember one piece of advice wherever your adventures take you; running with sharp objects in hand is a bad idea.

Offline Kazyth

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Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9680 on: August 29, 2014, 04:46:44 PM »
Look.  Rhedyn.  We had some great times together, and I think we could have made a run of it.

But that hair.  You never wash it.  It's GROWING things in it.  I have to burn my pillows twice a week, not to mention all of the topical creams.  I can't even keep bread in the house anymore, it goes moldy as soon as you step in the door.  So, until and unless you are willing to shave yourself bald and steam-clean your head, we are done.

Offline Boatman

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Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9681 on: August 29, 2014, 04:47:35 PM »
Ahh, Boatman. I know you love that knife and the funny look you like to give me when I see you holding it. Indeed I found it charming when we first met but now, I have to admit, it's getting a little creepy. I must say goodbye, it's painful but not as painful as the accident that's waiting to happen to either you or me with that thing. Just remember one piece of advice wherever your adventures take you; running with sharp objects in hand is a bad idea.

Rhed, Rhed my dear,

I loved the school teacher in you.
Always giving advice about washing my hands after the kill and putting the seat down on the toilet after use.
Yes, oh yes. How to play ‘knifey’ without spearing the other person in the ankle. You even had safety advice on a game of conkers.
You were were fun… in a sort of educational way.
Not sex education though!
A bit straight laced on that score if I might be so bold.
Always keep the light out and all your clothes on, firmly double buttoned.
It’s been a frightfully decent sort of blast.
But, well, cheerio.

Offline Cayenne

Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9682 on: August 30, 2014, 02:39:17 PM »
Dearest Boatman,

I've begun to notice, you have a fear of breaking up with the actual person who is above you.  As such, I've decided to break up wit the person above you instead. Though, that does not mean that I have not broken up with you, or that our relationship continues on because of this, because, yes, it is completely over. It is so over, even the nerds waiting through the entire credits for previews of the next movie have moved on, yes, even those looking for the SECRET SECRET last bits of content.

Dearest Kazyth,

I don't like you.

Let me get this out of the way right off the bat.  I hate your sexy body, I mean really, drink some water and stop starving yourself of the good things in life! You know perfectly well I don't like you walking around as naked as legally allowed in any specific situation and there you go, in some sheer sheet shaking your slippy snake sexily! 

I don't like you!

You might, of course, think that my obsession with your body means that I secretly cannot get enough, well let me tell you. I'VE HAD ENOUGH*.  What do you mean what does the star mean? Obviously it's masking some swear word that I cannot type in this forum! The legendary one letter swear word of which, legend has it, only held against those of whom one truly dislikes!

I DON'T LIKE YOU!

I don't know how many times I have to say this, while a stare at your rock hard body, pulsing with manly muscle, waiting to pounce me, to squeeze every bit of sex out of my body like you were trying to save money on toothpaste, and rerolled it seven times to get the very last drop out, and somehow, rolled it again and found MORE.  OH GOD, THERE WAS ALWAYS MORE!

Anyway! I'm ending this thing! It's the best for me, as I've been kicked out of every thin, or thick walled apartment you've ever come over to, broken every bed I ever owned, to the point I just put dirty mattresses on the floor till they set on fire with friction burns!  You just don't understand what you do to me and you never will! Because as of this point, it is over! Our relationship is over! THE RELATIONSHIP SECTION OF OUR TIME TOGETHER HAS ENDED.

Cayenne~

*When I say I've had enough, I kinda maybe want more too, yanno, just all casual, and everyday at least, twice a day, maybe you could just stay over? Well, I could move into some guest room, to make the commute shorter.. we'll figure it out!
« Last Edit: August 30, 2014, 02:40:19 PM by Cayenne »

Offline Kazyth

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Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9683 on: August 30, 2014, 03:30:34 PM »
Dearest Cayenne,

I'm exhausted.  Mentally and physically.

Also, I am continually dehydrated.  No matter how much Gatorade I drink, no matter how many electrolytes I ingest, any encounter with you ends up leaving me dryer than the Sahara at noon.

And let us not forget the way you constantly berate me for going around in comfortable clothing, yet whining and trying to pull off anything that actually hides any part of my body.  It gets COLD in winter, damnit!

I like you, I do.

But I'm chafed in places no man should chafe.  My back constantly feels like someone has pulled an industrial-sized cheese grater from my shoulders to my lower back.  Apparently my gifts of fingernail clippers, mittens, and cries of "OH GOD THEY'RE IN THE MUSCLE" just didn't quite get that across.  I'm going broke with all the Neosporin an gauze I have to buy.

And let's not forget your lack of personal boundaries.  Any time I try to actually rest, maybe take a day to myself to recuperate, I wake up to find you already in bed with me and pawing me like a drunken co-ed.  I'm not even shooting blanks at this point, I think I'm shooting dust!

Also! Seriously, that thing with you getting kicked out of all those apartments?  If you'd only have worn the ball gag I got you, that might not have been an issue.  Plus, you know, the nails thing.

So, to whit, we are done*.  Totally and completely done.

*Except for the part where I can't stop thinking about you, no matter how numb my legs might be, no matter how much my back looks like I was attacked by an amorous tiger, you are like the sweetest drug in my veins and the withdrawal is more horrible than I could ever imagine, so we can totally look into that sharing a place thing but we are totally not dating anymore and I am getting deadbolts for my bedroom door...

Offline Cayenne

Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9684 on: August 30, 2014, 06:23:37 PM »
Dearest Sir,

I hope this letter is to your pleasure, sir.  I am writing it, just like you wanted me to, by reflecting on the person I was before we met. I think I remember really liking books, and silly things liked stuffed animals that had personalities inside of me. They were my closest friends, and they liked all the things that I liked, and I thought things were very simple and comforting that way.

You met me at the bookstore, you were buying instructional booklets on knots, building in basements, and historical dungeons.  I didn't really put things together, I mean, they all seemed very interesting on their own! Of course, you told me to stop reading my little romance novels, and made me put them back on the shelf.  I felt so embarrassed, I wasn't even sure why I listened, I just, felt so overwhelmed!

You filled my arms with the most embarrassing smut I'd ever seen - and that was just the covers! I didn't think I could get any more red in the face! I felt like I was going to catch fire at any moment!  Then, when you took me by the arm, and we went off to some, seedy looking restaurant and you had me read them the worst of them to you, out loud.. I remember you kept saying "I couldn't hear that entire sex scene, do read it again, louder this time" Until I felt like I was screaming the words!

I just wanted to die! I felt so dizzy!

Before I knew it, weeks had passed, and we were reading it together, on your coach, on your bed, in your basement, and suddenly, there was no books, just the journals you told me to write! While I had to live like a character from one of those trashy novels! Then when your dungeon was finished, it all changed even more!

I don't know if I can go into the details, but um, things went from very complicated, to frightening, to overwhelming, and now, you've said my training is complete, and that I'm just the perfect little thing for your boss, that I should write this last little thing to you, as I wait for him to pick me up. I'm so nervous sir!

I mean.. I guess this is it for us..

Cay~

Offline Elysian Radiance

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Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9685 on: August 30, 2014, 08:17:53 PM »
My dearest Cayenne,

As I write this, I've already moved my things from your home back to my apartment. I couldn't stand the thought of doing it after I had this letter delivered. I do hope you can forgive the cowardice of this action.

My dear, when I said that I wanted to spice things up in the bedroom, I think you misunderstood me. I meant some blindfolds, cuffs, fur floggers. You clearly had a different idea, what with your ex boyfriend showing up, cosplaying as Legolas. While I will say he pulled it off fabulously, HE'S YOUR EX. He doesn't belong in our home, let alone our bed, nor with his "elvish dick", as he so worded it, anywhere near me.

So I regret to inform you that I'm ending our relationship. Perhaps you'd be better off eloping to Lothlorien with your Legolas.

All the best.
-Aurora

Offline blue bunny sparkle

Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9686 on: August 31, 2014, 12:14:48 AM »
AuroraRose!

What is this I hear? Consort of Dragons? Consort of Dragons?

You told me that was over, you told me the Dragons bored you... that they never satisfied you as I could. That their "anatomy" was too big.

But now I see this was all a lie, and you never truly left them behind.

Did you think of them while we were together, writhing around on the floor, or in the forest groves?

I can't believe anything you say anymore!

 

Offline Kazyth

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Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9687 on: August 31, 2014, 12:35:17 AM »
Dearest blue bunny sparkle,

You are just too goddamn fancy, you know that?  I mean, look at us!

I go around in a towel.  Not even a very thick one at that.  I don't wear anything else.  And you have... you have a whole peacock strapped to your head.  With gold!  Do you have any idea how much that outfit costs to dry clean!?

Plus those pointy bits by your cheek tend to stab me in uncomfortable places at inopportune times.  I've asked you to tone it down a little.  I offered maybe silver and some eagle feathers, but noooooo.  No, you had to keep being all fancy.

Well, that's it.  We are over, done with.  Especially after that whole thing with AuroraRose.  You didn't even tell her we were sleeping together.  You didn't even tell me that you were sleeping with her!  There's no telling what she caught from those dragons.

So, goodbye forever.


Offline Elysian Radiance

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Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9688 on: August 31, 2014, 01:44:42 AM »
My love, Kazyth

I can't believe the sheer nerve of you!

Here I was, thinking that you enjoyed out little rendezvous, especially when I invited a dragon or two. You always said that they were so passionate in their love making.

I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL!

But here... I find out that you were cheating on me, with blue bunny, nonetheless! What I had with her meant nothing; I was going to leave her for you, I promise. And now I find this out.

It saddens me greatly that I have to do with. We have to end this now.

With heavy heart,

Aurora.

PS - I keep the dragons.

Offline Boatman

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Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9689 on: August 31, 2014, 02:10:11 AM »
Dearest Aurora,

I didn't realise they were your dragons.
I was simply a foolish squire who would be a knight.

You see, old demented Arthur sent me on a quest.
"Go fetch me a pair of dragons' heads for above the fireplace, forsooth [the US scriptwriter inserted this word], and I'll think about making you a knight. As you can see, young man, we'll need to put an extension flap on the round table to fit you in, so they'd better be good."

After many months searching in the wilderness, I met you and we made love under the enchanted waterfall.
I think you were pissed actually, but you did say you were keen at the time.
Later, whilst you slept, I cut off a lock of your hair to remind me of that most wonderful long and passionate night we spent together.
And will wear it always as a favour, despite everything.

By morning you had gone, but I found my path blocked by two enormous hostile looking dragons, so of course I slew them and cut off their heads.

Arthur was very pleased, although he couldn't remember my name or the quest.
"Just like when the red and white dragons fought for control of these islands in the basement," he muttered incomprehensibly.

But he made me a knight, forsooth.
It was only later when I read the empty collars, I saw they'd been your dragons.
I realise now that's probably why you were a bit grumpy and didn't speak to me again.
I hope in time you'll find it in your heart and leggings to forgive me.

Deepest love,

Sir Boatalot
« Last Edit: August 31, 2014, 02:12:11 AM by Boatman »

Offline blue bunny sparkle

Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9690 on: August 31, 2014, 01:35:50 PM »
Dear Mr. Boaty Boat,

I regret to inform you that as of 2:00pm Central Standard Time your vessel has been boat-napped.

The ransom fee is $4,890,599.00. It is non-negotiable.

You will never learn my identity!

If you wish to see your beloved boat again, please stack the money in unmarked $20.00 bills. Place it a blue sparkly handbag with reflective sequins and a leather handle. You will be required to take a rowboat out into the gulf of Mexico to drop said bag off. Let it slip slowly into the water at a these coordinates... (to be reveled later).

If you happen to see a semi-deserted island filled with unspeakable wonders and mermaids... it is only a dream. It is not real. Magical, fairy-like occurrences are simply a figment of your overactive imagination.

Do as I ask and no boat will be injured.

Bun--

I mean... Super Secret Evil Genius Ransomer

P.S. I'm not your ex-girlfriend
« Last Edit: August 31, 2014, 01:37:21 PM by blue bunny sparkle »

Offline Boatman

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Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9691 on: August 31, 2014, 05:47:00 PM »
What the hell’s going on Boat?

Your new secret capture-proof vessel has been captured.
Due to the fact this project cost half last year’s £20 defence budget, we’ve had to notify the PM. And he is not a happy bunny.

However, GCHQ have identified there is a happy bunny out there somewhere and we’ve supercomputer-matched her as one of your old playmates (one that hasn’t yet met a gruesome end). So, the expense is coming off your mess bill… again  unless you sort this out pretty damn quick.

It seems the female evil Leporidae mastermind behind this has been transformed, through some dastardly SMERSH process, into a mermaid and has set up her underwater base in the Gulf of Mexico from where she can sell the special boat to the highest (note: should that be tallest?) bidder.

So, Boat, iron your tux, sort out your hair and take the first economy flight in that direction, jumping out when the pinger places you above a semi-deserted island filled with unspeakable wonders.

Remember Boat we are counting on you... However, there is always your rival 8 if you fail.

Your mission is to break up with the evil genius with the penchant for blue sparkly handbags (with reflective sequins) and a leather handle and to recover the stolen device as part of the legal separation settlement.

Now get out of my sight.

xx
M

Offline Cayenne

Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9692 on: August 31, 2014, 06:38:22 PM »
Dearest Boatman,

It always amazed me how almost any situation called for the use of a knife. Burglar holding you up for cash? Knife him! Tied up by dastardly villain? Cut the ropes! Steak a little too tough? Slice it into small pieces! Need to deface some tree to prove your relationship existed? Carve it with a knife (Also good for pointing out there is no fate atop of picnic tables).

In the end though, I realized I could just buy my own knife, and a decorative holder for it, that attaches to my belt!  So yanno, other than the relationship stuff, of which, I've read in my "Everything you never thought a knife could do handbook for people who don't want to be called a dummy, but maybe aren't educated on this particular aspect of life"

So, needless, I've decided I don't need you anymore, please collect your things at the front desk (If you wait passed 8pm, it'll be in the dumpster) As I've decided to spark up a relationship with the guy who drives around sharpening knives, he seems like he's got a pretty steady job, and said he'll give me family discounts based on what base he gets to.

Anyway, I'm sure there's some girl out there, who hasn't realized she can acquire her own knife yet, or yanno, someone desperate, or someone who really likes boats, and doesn't care too much of what waters it happens to be floating on.

Sincerely, Cayenne.

P.S. If you ever pick up the spoons, I might be interested in having a coffee or something...~

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Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9693 on: August 31, 2014, 10:02:22 PM »
My dearest, beloved...*ACHOO!*


Loving darling...*ACHOO!  KOFF!*


Dear...*GACK!*


Cay...*ACHOO!*


Oh, fuck it. Get out. I'm allergic to you.

Offline RedPhoenix

Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9694 on: August 31, 2014, 10:16:29 PM »
You're a real Nowherewoman
Eating all your Nowhere pudding
Making all your nowhere plans
That didn't include me!

We have rival points of view
I'll be better without you
You are not a tiny bit like me

Nowherewoman please listen
You don't know what you were missing
Nowherewoman get out is my command!

<3

Offline Kazyth

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Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9695 on: August 31, 2014, 10:26:57 PM »
Phoenix are Red
Some whales are blue.
You stole all my bacon.
So now we are through.

Also, I'll be sending you a bill for that bacon.

Offline RedPhoenix

Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9696 on: August 31, 2014, 10:28:44 PM »
Once lovers in joy
Kazyth hit on Red's best friend
Now he loves alone

Offline Kazyth

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Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9697 on: August 31, 2014, 10:34:39 PM »
I thought I was special.  I really did.

But those eyes you make that I thought were only for me?  The teasing, sexy, 'come get me' eyes?

Yeah, EVERYONE gets those.  The mailman, that old lady at the grocery store, my brothers.  All of them.

I can't take the not knowing anymore.  Especially after I found those dentures and that mail bag under the bed.

I'm still not buying that you were planning some "Kinky Roleplay" in the bedroom.  So, have fun with... things.

My hand and some lotion is better than this.

Offline blue bunny sparkle

Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9698 on: August 31, 2014, 10:42:40 PM »
Dear Kazyth,
This has been a long time in coming. Okay, its only been since yesterday, but still you should know...
I have been hypnotized by RedPhoenix's eyes. And... and... we have been playing kinky Roleplays in the bedroom.
I knew roleplay things weren't up your alley... because you know... you never want to dress up.
But its fun... today I was the 80 year old mailman... and that was some kinkiness right there! Whooo Boy!

Anyway... tomorrow me and her are going to be playing with a bunch of brothers... I'm not sure whose, but you know it'll be a BLAST!

It was fun, well kinda... okay I was bored! And now I'm off for more costumes!

Bunny

Offline Cayenne

Re: Breakup with the person above you!
« Reply #9699 on: August 31, 2014, 11:34:14 PM »
Dear Blue Bunny,

Why so blue?

I mean, we've been together for a while, and yet, you continue to be the colour of sadness, and male scrotums that haven't had sexual contact in forever.  For a while, I thought you might become Yellow bunny sparkle, you know, the colour of the sun, and happiness, and country kitchens, though I suppose it is also a ton of other bad things as well.

Green Bunny Sparkle might be nice too, like spring, and grass, and leaves, and Kermit the Frog, though, it is also greed, and sickliness.

Red Bunny Sparkle I is vibrant! and powerful! Like a rose, or a fast car (Red makes it go faster, I think it is science), though is also supposed to be the angry colour, of rage and blood, so you'd probably be hard to deal with.

Sometimes, I think you'd be best as White Bunny Sparkle, though most bunnies are white, unless they are not.  Also, some people might ask why you are white, and if you wear sheets and stuff - nobody ever calls a bed racist and it wears sheets all the time!

Maybe you could be Sky Blue Bunny Sparkle, except for the fact that nobody really notices sky blue but for a moment. "Oh, the sky is so blue -- oop! Onto my life, look at this pretty rock, isn't it so pretty?" It's rather sad actually, the sky doesn't stop looking blue, we just stop appreciating it.

Now that I think about it, I think I understand why you're so blue, and it's really bumming me out.  I might have to start seeing a clown, so I can be both happy and afraid at the same time, to you know, feel some other emotions!

Don't be so blue.

Sincerely, Cayenne~
« Last Edit: August 31, 2014, 11:35:22 PM by Cayenne »