I went the extra naughtycal mile for you. I had all the rowing benches ripped out from the lower deck and installed a new fangled engine. The cost, as you well know, was not insignificant. And the fuel the wretched thing uses... Yet more money down the spout and out of the exhaust.
On the plus side, once I'd ditched the benches and occupants over the side, there weren't so many slave mouths to feed. Not that I had fed them much anyway.. Not that I needed to, as they had taken to gnawing at one another if they needed a snack. And as a forward looking compassionate employer, this was a privilege I was happy to allow them so long as they didn't chew off any parts needed for rowing or following instructions.
Anyway, as I said, I did all this and much much more just for you. Because I thought we'd probably got off on the wrong foot and I wanted to give 'us' another chance.
In the spaces where the rowing benches had been, I fitted all sorts of punishment stations. Places where you could tied roughly over an even rougher wooden bench and thoroughly lashed, both before... and after. Another where you could be gagged and suspended by chains, with your legs apart, the rolling motion of the boat causing endless repeated rubbing over...
Well, you know all this.
And in the evening you would have your ankles shackled round the thick mainmast and I'd hoist to the top so you could practice and perform your ballerina twirls before I released the rope at sunset to let you slide and flutter down. So beautiful...
It hasn't really worked out though, has it.
My job as a pirate takes me all over the ocean, disposing of merchant and navy ships that have been making the sea lanes look untidy. It is a calling and I am feared for it.
At least I was.
But all your screaming, much as it thrilled me to the core, has been frightening the prey away and ruined my reputation.
So, sadly, this must be our last session together.
I have run out the plank for a spot of deep immersion training.
And a tearful farewell.
Arr har me 'arties.
Boaty Blackheart (pirate)