Oh Rummy, promise you'll never leave. There is so much I love about you, let me count the ways. The thing sticking out of your mouth that pokes me when we try to kiss. And the weird skin color from way too much cheap instant tanning goop. Your 'Elvis on purple velvet painting' vibe. Your pointy chin and evil eyes. I just can't get enough of you.
Well ... maybe I can. In fact, now that I think about it, I probably already have more than enough of you. Say, any chance you'd be willing to take back some of you that I have? And please, don't worry about sending me any more of you. Aunt Phyllis is sending me some strawberry preserves she made herself, so I'm good as far as getting things from other people right now. How about I let you know if I need any more of you? Don't worry about calling me, I'll call you, OK?
But I really do love you sort of. Oh, by the way, how's your brother Dean? I heard he finished his residency and is still single. Any chance you could send me his number? Does he still work out every day to keep those amazing abs he has?
Well, I've bent your ear long enough so I'll let you go. Oh, and I've unfriended you on Facebook to cut down on how much I have to read ... you know how it is. And I've blocked you on Twitter, Instagram, WhatsApp, Tumblr, Baidu Tieba, Pinterest, LinkedIn, Gab, Google+, YouTube, Viber, and Snapchat. Just trying to keep my contacts lists organized - I know you can appreciate that. So ... uh, ... well, bye for now.