Tails of Monkey - Adventure awaits!

[Catherine]

((Da story of Monkey will be told in parts. Best in small parts like a bowl of chocolate chip cookies. You can eat the whole bowl at once and blame someone else. But you are going to suffer with a upset tummy. So not to get any upset tummies and people getting sick the story will told in small parts sans chocolate chips.))


Well hello reader, I probably should introduce myself before you read too far. Which might help cut down on the 'huhs' and other things.  I am Nichole Anne Marie Smith, my friends call me 'monkey'. Why? I think it is pretty obvious really if you look at my tail. See how it just sways back and forth, it is feeling good at the moment. Say hello tail, see e it waved hi.

Now you are probably going to ask, Nichole where did the tail come from? Well I will cut through all the rumors and such that the tabloids and others are spreading  I am not an alien from a dying planet sent here by her parents, that only happens in movies or comic books. Bitten by a mutant monkey and got a tail, again movies and comic books. Sheesh. Part of a circus freak show? No! Oh my monkey look at me, do I look like I would belong to a freak show? Let me answer that, no. No way. Uh uh.

So how, you ask.

Well I was at a party with my friend Nikki one Friday night, just monkeying around and having some fun. Being just a little irritating, just a little though. About this much at the most, wait a second my fingers need to get a little closer, that is it. About that much see? So irritating, but just minutely so. No way to really measure it so don't even try. *dismissive wave*.

Anyways a genie was found well two really, the last place I thought one oh okay two would be found, wishes were made by a lot of people. Things went weird for a couple minutes and well then Nikki made a wish, BLAM I get hit by an energy thingie and I started to feel strange. Everything looked like it is growing and I feel a tugging sensation in my general butt area. I took a step back and felt something swishing behind me and I turned to see what it is. What is it, I asked myself, got to see. Got to see. Nothing was there but I felt something  swishing, just checking that is right to left movement right? Quickly I turned again, trying to see what it was and as I did I felt something hit Nikki on her back. That is when I caught sight of something in the corner of my eye and lunged for it. "Ow!" I announced when I grab the furry thing floating there. I followed  it down and found that it was attached to my butt!

Shocked and confused I let go of it and watched as it waved back in forth in the air. I stood there for a moment and unconsciously reached up and moved the hair that had fallen in front of my eyes. I felt good but strange, more energetic and it felt... *self inner giggle* I thought I could  have some fun with it and oh you will see.

Oh, I forgot my hair went a bright red from what was my natural brown. What do  think of it? Cute huh.

Mentally I changed too, I was a little quiet and shy before hand. After that not so much, but you will find that out I think. Before I was afraid to try new things and now I love trying new things and finding things. A little mischievous too, oh I am sure Niks didn't like me as much after that. You see, hmmm well I will have to give you an example so you can decide really.

You see I was hiding behind a vase of flowers, all ninja style and invisible to all that can't see the super cute and adorable. Babies don't count they want to be seen, you don't want to trip over a bunch of invisible babies do you? They will start sucking on your nose and that is plain gross. Nikki and a boy walked by and continued outside, unable to see me due to my superior hiding abilities.

Don't look over here, it is only I a harmless vase of flowers do not fear me. I mean you no harm.....

Invisibly I rubbed my hands and pondered the pondering things. Then I just gave up pondering since it is just so umm...... pondering. Boring...... Suddenly in a poof of non smoke a ninja lightbulb appeared over my head. Stealthy boink! An idea formed, fun time on someone else's expense! Quietly I followed Nikki and the boy all super cute and adorable monkey girl style. Hiding behind bushes and pink flamingos and lawn gnomes and sprinklers and something else that I couldn't figure out what it was. The whole time the theme song to Jaws plays in my head.

*Inside mind giggle and mwhahahaha.*

I watched from the shadows all silent and ninja like as they got all cute and cuddly in the hot tub. What to do? What to do? I thought and thought, suddenly my tail poked me on the shoulder and pointed to a nearby wall. What girl? What are you saying?  I watched as it motioned up the wall and then over to the hot tub. A cute and adorable smile appeared all invisible like on my face.

Quietly I made myself over to the wall . "Ninja wall crawl," I whispered to myself and POOF, I transformed into a wall lizard and made my way up the wall all lizard like. At the top, I reverted and crouched low waiting for the right moment to pounce.

They look so cute maybe I shouldn't, I told myself.  My tail whipped around and smacked me in the back of the head, waking me up.You are right, like always. Quietly I stood  and took a couple steps back, inhale and exhale. Viva la monkey girl! Then took off running and jump. Yes... Yes... Yes… Suddenly my face meet a low flying bird with a smack, spinning me around in mid air. Queue the slow motion spin and close up of my cute adorable face eating feather. With my perfect cannonball ruined, I plummeted like a comet towards the hot tub, a small comet ((the bird)) racing beside me.

With a loud smack, I hit the water behind Nikki in a perfect belly smack, sending a literal tidal wave of water washing over the couple. A lone feather lands on the boy's head, the only thing of bird since it burned up as it entered the atmosphere

Slowly I stood up, rubbing my now red tummy. "That didn't work the way I didn't plan."

So what do you think? Did Niks have a reason to be mad at me? I don't see anything wrong, but I got out of there as quickly as possible before she blew up like a volcano. BOOM!

After that,  the party got boring, blah, the world felt different and something was calling me. Of course my mom and dad raised me right so I answered and soon found myself leaving the party to find adventure In big bold letters, fireworks, flying doves and loud music. But that is jumping ahead a little bit, a girl needs to get ready for an adventure. So let us start there, up in a room getting ready.


***

Quickly I root through the closet grabbing the essentials for my plans; coat, shirt and stuff. After getting dressed and still looking super cute and adorable monkey girlish, I take a messenger bag out and fill it with some essentials; hyper turbo super staff of whapping signed by Johnny Chin, bag of beans of feeling better, matches of fire, canteen of holding liquids, compass of where am I now and a Boy Scout book.

Quietly I head downstairs, which is easy to do with all of the moaning happening all around me. Was there ghosts? Suddenly something hits my tail causing me to go "What the?" Quickly I look around and see nothing, confirming my theory of ghosts. There must be a indian burial ground under here, I tell myself when I swear I hear something whispering behind me, “Get out!”  I am not going to ignore clear instructions so I hit the door, pausing to inhale and smile. Ninja adventure time!

Standing there in the glow from the house,  but a safe distance away from any ghosts, I take a piece of paper out of my pocket and unfold it. For a moment I study it and with my super cute adorable monkey girl instincts I quickly figure out where I need to go, that way! Carefully I fold the paper back up and slip it back into my pocket as my tail swishes back and forth looking for enemies in the darkness, those that also are looking for the hidden treasure and that might be following me.

To throw them off, I take a piece of sidewalk chalk out, a bright orange  The color of deception to be exact and kneel down. "This will fool anyone following me," I snicker  to myself. Quickly I write two things on the concrete. The first and not the second is "Wet water and beware of inflatable ducks," with a arrow pointing to the pool. The second and the really tricky one that only a super cute and adorable monkey girl could figure out is "Don't go this way! Stay off grass! It is really dark! " with an arrow pointing into the darkness.

Quickly I stand, spinning the chalk around my fingers before sliding it back home into my bag. I exhale not realizing that I have been holding my breath and adjust my imaginary felt fedora. "Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory," I say while making a dramatic pose with my hands on my hips. One made more dramatic if I had dramatic back lighting and like a bazillion slow flying pigeons behind me, that would have been cool.

*Silent but deadly mental ninja note: Must find a short round to carry pigeons and large lights.*

My tail cracks like a whip right before I head off into the darkness and adventure. Stumbling over a sprinkler head popping up to quench the thirst of the many grasses. Should I start over? The run into the dark and stumble thing would have been cooler without the stumble. Nah! I brush off my knees and start to run, this time looking for sprinklers.


***

Quickly I find myself stumbling through the darkness, my foot finding every tree root possible. Seriously I should have considered taking this adventure during the daytime when I could see things and not at night. My foot catches another root and I fall with a thump and not a boom. Slowly I get up and adjust my imaginary felt fedora, adventurers really need to learn time though. Ow!

From out of woods I hear the call of a mighty beast. Quickly I bring my hands up to my mouth and call back to it, so it knows that I am here "Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!" Now my adventure can continue! Super cute and adorable monkey girl silent YAY! I pause for a moment and consider the moment and the minefield I now find myself in, any of these roots can take me out, I must be careful. Carefully I make my way in the darkness, stepping over every root, until I reach a wall.


***

I look up at it and then swing my head side to side, it stretches (the wall) into the darkness and as far as I know it could circle the world. So I have to climb it. Reaching into my bag I find nothing to help me with the ascent, other than the super turbo mega extending pole signed by Johnny Chin, but I am not here to dance around and make a easy buck either, so I put it back into the bag. With one hand I reach out and place it on the wall and can feel the texture of it (the wall) and can see through to the other side, standard wood painted white in the picket fence style. I know my ascent will be dangerous now, where there is wood there are beavers. They are know to be dirty fighters and not too adorably cute like myself, it doesn't help that they cheat at cards and are known as weapon masters. I must think on how I am going to do this but not to long just in case there are any around. Ok got an idea.

"Ninja art of wood wall climbing," I whisper so those that are pursuing me do not hear my words.

Before I do the whole poofing thing I carefully remove my clothes, neatly fold and place them on the other side of the wall. If I didn't do that I would be naked on the other side and the night air is a little chilly tonight.

* Silent but deadly ninja thought: think ahead. Hypothermia does not make a super cute and adorable monkey girl any more super cute and adorable. So it won't work for you either! *

I whisper again and a nonexistent POOF cloud appears, I really need to get some smoke bombs that would so add to the effect and I change into a kitten that is built to be invisible at night. The ultra rare much sought after collectors edition stealth kitten. Sleek black fur, the color of night. Trust me, look it up in a book of crayons. It is the non-light one that is really dark. When you look at it you swear you can hear crickets singing and feel the effects of the full moon on your body. That one!

I walk up to the wall and kick it Into four paw drive. Instantly claws SNIKT out all comic book hero style and I start my climb. Since I am a smart monkey girl, I know I have to repeat the chant that needs repeated while in this form so I begin "meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow and so on."

Up I go, up into the imaginary clouds towards the top of the wall. A eagle calls out "Hey you, you shouldn't be up this high," and they only do that when you climb really high.  I push on and soon I can feel the air getting thinner as I reach the top. There I transform back to my super cute adorable monkey girl self and enjoy the Kodak moment. If I had my phone I would take a selfie.  Inhale, smile and enjoy the view. Nod. Beautiful view and now bored.

With a little hop down, I feel the ground under my feet and quickly get dressed. Looking around I see that I left my messenger bag on the other side and reach over and grab it. Can't be too careful you know I might need something inside of it later.

I scan the area, seeing only night and I hope that my tail can see more. That is when I feel the tapping on my shoulder from my tail, telling me something important.What is wrong girl? Did Tommy fall down the well? No? Oh yeah that way. I do a couple stretches, can't be too careful and I don't want to pull a hammy, before heading off that way


((Adventure and hands to face will be had as the story continues.... Same monkey time, maybe sort of I don’t know. Same monkey channel. So return and continue to read as the story unfolds like some screaming origami um.... story))

[Catherine]

It doesn't take too long before I get that feeling, you know that one it's the one you get when you are being watched right or is that left? Kind of hard to tell in the dark really. It's sort of like that feeling of having a ice cube race down your back as a thousand eyes take bets on what cheek gets wetter. Yeah but not that one, that is a whole other feeling. But I did have that feeling of being watched and it was creepy, my tail instantly went on high alert and prepared for ninjas.

I stopped and scanned my surroundings, which is easy at night actually since everything is pitch black except for the two beady red eyes up in the tree and  look the moon.Wait, what? Beady red eyes? What the? My head jerks back to where I saw the beady red eyes and they are closer now, a lot closer in fact. As in streaking towards me in a blur of spit, hiss and a good dose of ugly.

The world slows down bullet time style so I can identify. Quickly I pull out the boy scout manual and start to flip through it. How to tell a bush from a shrubbery. No. How to tie a knot that slips. No and useless. How to diffuse a Girl Scout cookie bomb. No. How to identify an animal when you are in bullet time and its teeth are sharp and its eyes are red. Perfect and scan page. Too small for a saber tooth tiger and too big for a hamster on steroids. There it is a possum, the rat bastard of the woods. Okay read and jeez, I thought it was ugly in person. It is uglier in words and I would hate to meet one.

The bullet time moment finishes moments after I slip the manual back into my bag, I prepare by applying a fist to the possums jaw with appropriate force. WHACHA! Super cute and adorable monkey girl fist meets oh my god it is an ugly possum and nothing happens at first. Two great forces collide and just nothing but disappointment, sad face with a tear. Then BOOM SONIC BOOM, the possum goes streaking  backwards like at least Mach 5 I would say, if not faster. Crashing through tons of branches and an owl, there is always an owl at night. Hoot. Hoot. Ho...ow! Leaving only a cloud of feathers and a naked and confused owl behind.  Moments later and somewhere in Italy a man gets knocked off his motorcycle by a flying possum. Just saying, don't know my own strength.

* Ninja silent WHACHA! *

I blow off the fists before running into the darkness and hopefully the right darkness too. Kind of hard to tell them apart sometimes, they all look the same.

***

Really I should have looked at the map better and I could of easily just steered clear of this whole thing. Honestly,  I thought it said ‘Here be mushrooms!’ and I got all excited, can't pass up a good 'shroom really. Secretly I was wishing that they were going to be morel mushrooms too, fungus gold. That would have been nice, sautéed in butter, yum! But nope, no mushrooms for the super cute and adorable monkey girl and I was ready to nom on some fungi.

No what I figured out at the moment after everything sort of just blew up in the my face, which was just a moment ago was it actually said ‘Here be monsters!’ That would have been nice to know you know. Clear and legible writing would of been nice. Stay in school kids!

***

I should have jumped when I felt the wet squishy thing wrap around my ankle. Looking down I thought it was just a little slug at first, but then I followed its body out into the darkness. Unless it was a bunch of slugs holding each other's hands and feet, which I praying it was, I was screwed.

Everyone who is screwed lift their hand up please.

Raise hand and introduce myself. "Yes I am Nichole, super cute and adorable monkey girl, it is a pleasure to meet all of you. I am screwed, currently some ick monster is wrapping a tentacle around me, I hope it is a tentacle and not something else too. Anyways it is invading my personal space and leaving its ooze all over me, which isn't good for the skin. So I am screwed and I hope the ick doesn't have a screwdriver."

Back to the current moment as the tentacle of the ick quickly wrapped around my body and started to lift me off the ground. Its ooze is staining my clothes and I know soap won't be able to get it out. In a blink of an eye I was upside down and staring right at the monster, well I think I was at least. The whole hiding in the darkness was making it hard to tell really. I screamed at it and it didn't follow my detailed instructions of letting me down. Then I asked it nicely with big cute and adorable monkey girl eyes that might glitter in the dark to that add that extra little bit of adorable and nothing, how could it ignore the adorable and cuteness of me? Then I begged and cried. Nothing worked on it. I knew I should have packed a virgin, kind of hard to find one in these parts though.

* Monsters always listen when you offer them virgins. They always do! *

I start to struggle and then I see the second tentacle coming out of the darkness. What is it carrying? Is it a stick? No it is a cricket bat!!! Oh my god! It thinks I am a.... Frantically I begin to struggle harder, quickly glancing back at the tentacle and more importantly at the cricket bat. Cute and adorable sweat starts to drip from my upsidedownness. Closer and closer it came. “This isn't fair! I am not a ball!” I yell out as cricket bat rose. As the cricket bat got higher and higher I prayed,  ‘Lord, if you give me a pass on this. I promise I will be good. Ok maybe sort of good. I will give it a try at least, you have to give me that you know how I am with twinkies!’ Back goes the cricket bat.Oh no! No!! No!!! No!!!! At that moment I can hear them already, my butt cheeks, begin to cry.

Five words fly from my mouth followed by a lot of exclamation points that I never thought I would ever say as the bat came streaking towards my cute butt. Which has just the proper amount of padding I think.

"I AM NOT A PIÑATA!!!!!!!!!!

SMACK!

Do I need to explain what the smack means? It is the sound that is made when a wood cricket bat meets a cute and properly padded butt. Usually followed by several more too! Oh my cute butt cheeks and how they scream, "We didn't want to look like a baboon's butt."

SMACK!

I start to see a ray of light coming down from the heavens. Am I already hallucinating?

SMACK!

What is that descending from the clouds, I ask myself as what looks like a cute little angel ((rough monkey estimate let's say a foot tall, but I could be seeing this too)) with wings wider than it is tall.

SMACK!

The angel stops in front of me and adjusts her halo before speaking, "Ladies and tentacles, this is Dani and I'm your Angel for this scene. As you notice the ‘Struggle because you butt is being spanked’ light has  been turned on." She pauses for a moment so her eyes can twinkle, "Please feel free to struggle as much as you want," then starts to motion with her hands, "There are several emergency exits in this event and they are there, there and there. No oxygen masks will drop down so please remember to breath while you are being hugged with extreme measures."

SMACK!

I watch as she just hovers there with a smile on her face, ready to give out little bag of peanuts maybe or even to check my ticket and see if I boarded the proper ick.

"Excuse me Dani, can you help me?" I ask between smackings. My butt cheeks adorably preparing for the next bat impression.

"Yes, I can. I see you are already in the proper upright position for this event," Dani answers as she hovers closer.

SMACK!

Suddenly one of her hands goes up and she stops, "Oops the captain has turned on the ‘Sudden impact in a moment’  sign. Please remember to remain in your current position and keep all ick tentacles fastened. Thank you."

SMACK!

My properly padded butt screams now. Did I mention it was properly padded? What? I did? Good! I thought I forgot to mention that important part. It, my butt, mentions that it doesn't like wood anymore. Especially wood in the shape of a cricket bat and I agree with it. If my hands were free I would be rubbing it right now, of course if they were free, I would be too.

SMACK!

How many spankies have I received, I ask myself. Too many to count, I answer myself and my tail agrees since it can only count to one. I watch as the ick tentacle goes back again to paddle my cheeks, my cute bruised red cheeks. "Time out!" I yell,  "Flag thrown on the field for spanking the monkey....girl!" The tentacle lurches ahead for a moment, I close one eye and wince expecting a cheek splitting impact, the it stops and I swear it snaps its fingers.

Quickly, my tail taps Dani on the shoulder to get her attention and I motion with my non ick tentacle covered head, "Come here."

"The captain has turned on the ‘I may help you’ sign. Yes how may I help you ?" the little angel asks, smiling as she turned and bobbed in my direction. "Do you need a pillow to be more comfortable maybe? We at Little Angel Airs pride ourselves on our customer service."

"No I am fine, but I forgot to show you my ticket and well," I shrug my shoulders all upsidedown-like.

"Oh,  sorry it is my first day on the job and I forgot to check your ticket. Let me help," Dani chirped as a giant crowbar appeared in one of her hands. With a mighty little swing, she did the swinging thing and with a smack it hit her other hand.

I watched as she shoved the crowbar between me and ick tentacle. "Now this might hurt a little," I hear Dani sing before counting down from three. At one she started to pull the crowbar back, her little feet swinging up and using the side of my face as leverage.

"Youph hash to usef miph fap?" I try to say as a foot slips into my mouth. Looking at Dani I could see that she was straining, the cheeks on her face turning red as she gritted her teeth. "Almost...almost...almost got it," I hear her growling, gritting and grunting.

A SNAP, CRACKLE, which I hope wasn't my spine, and POP later and I found myself falling as I hear the crowbar BOINGS and the little angel go shooting into the sky like a arrow. The last word I hear and it is really stretched as she shot back into the heavens is "tttttttttttiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicccccccccckkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeetttttttttt........."

With the amazing grace that only a monkey girl could have, I flip in the air and landed perfectly, of course! Let us see what the judges say. 10 - 9 - 10. Almost a perfect score!At that moment, I fight the urge to blow kisses to my adoring fans since I have none and they aren't here.

Not wasting a moment, I quickly turn and beat feet into the darkness, ick ooze flying off me as I did.

***

As I run, I look back to see if the ick is following me or if one of its tentacles is creeping around in the shadows. You know some monsters do not realize that no means no and if a torch is waved in front of them it isn't because anyone wants to see them. No, it is more like, back off or in a few moments I will be roasting marshmallows over your body or hey it looks like your nostrils are cold, here let me warm them up for you.

I see nothing, no wait is that a tentacle over there moving in the darkness? I squint and peer into the night as I keep running. No, it is just some campers out doing something, practicing nighttime orienteering maybe. Who am I kidding, I know what they are doing and if they aren't careful, they might catch something. Like a cold or some weird raccoon disease.

Right when I am about to turn around and say something to them, I see a guy heading towards them wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete. He looks smart, wearing protection and carrying a weapon, who knows what you will run into in these woods. Hockey mask will help them.

I stumble over another root, which reminds me of something important, I should look ahead when I run aimlessly through the woods. Right when I turn my head, I suddenly taste metal and leather. A loud CLANG later and I am on my butt, one that has the proper amount of padding if you have forgotten. Like a professional my tail jumps into action and is checking me for any problems. Giving me its approval, signing off on any papers before releasing me into my own care.

Slowly I start to sit up, rubbing my jaw. "Whose bright idea was it to stick a sword in a stone in the middle of nowhere?" I growl. As cute and adorable as I am I don't stand up, I am just up. It is a monkey girl thing so it is hard to explain. There are diagrams and charts explaining how, but they are on a need to know basis and really you don't need to know. For a little extra show my hands fly out from my side and "Tadah!", followed by a bow.


((What is the mysterious sword in the woods and why would anyone stick a sword in the stone out in the middle of the woods. I mean come on, have they never heard of cities and towns? Find out next time....))

[Catherine]

Looking at the sword, I see there is an inscription on the stone, but since I have never learned how to read or speak inscription, I am sort of stuck there. Thinking back to the last time I spoke inscription, I accidentally ordered a year of Limburger cheese. Let me tell you, there were buzzards circling above the refrigerator thinking something had died in there, which is kind of scary to see in a kitchen. Paint peeled on all of my neighbors' houses when I burped and I wasn't close to any of them. Skunks even wore gas masks around me!

I trace the inscription with a finger, it is just all lines and shapes to me, a foreign language in a way. It could be saying 'Eat at Joes!' for as far as I know. Inscriptions are boring anyways, just lame warnings or stupid historical stuff, live in the moment!

Slowly I start to circle the stone, oh and the sword. That is the important thing, the stone is well a stone with some gibberish on it. The sword is a sword that has the sword shape and the sharp sword edges. That when poked into someone will make them go "Ow! Stop that!

I stop and point at the sword all dramatic like to get its attention and maybe announce my intentions, "You interest me sword, but only in a swingy swingy stabby stabby way." I take a step towards the sword, fake spitting into my hands before reaching for it. How hard can this be anyways? Lift it up and "Monkey....Monkey....Monkey girl hoooooooooo.......”

Let me ask you something, what do you imagine happens when you touch a sword? Nothing probably, unless you touch the sharp edges and well blood goes drippy drippy then. I hear those edges hurt a lot like paper cuts too, so I try stay away from those. A pinky touches a sharp edge and an arm might fall off. I could laugh saying it is just a flesh wound but I sort of like that arm and the other one I got, they came in a set. But as soon as my hand touched the hilt of the sword, things happened. Light came down from the heavens, how do they plug it in up there is beyond me. Hot air balloons? Big butt fireflies? Random acts of light shafts? I thought it was nice that someone set it up though, safety regulations probably. When a person's hand is approaching a sharp pointy slashy thing a light must come on of a brightness level greater than this doesn't help at all and less than I am blind and so are all my ancestors in the future.

The second thing that happened was the singing. Singing of a song with only one word "Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........................" Yeah I know not much of a song really, no beat or anything. Can't dance to it either.  I look around trying to figure out where the Uhers were at. They must be wearing those dark suits so they blend into the darkness, you know so they don't ruin the scene. They were everywhere though. There, there, over there, up there and somewhere over there too.

When I gripped the hilt, the uhs got louder and there was christmas light twinkles in the air. Wow someone put some thought and some mad cash into this. The electric bills must be massive especially out in the middle of nowhere and to keep the Uhers happy and feed wow! I let go and take a step back and the whole show just dies  down.

For a moment I think, just a moment though. Why put the effort in more than a moment? Hand, sword and pull. I reach for the sword and well, light and singing. No matter how I approached the sword I got the show.

My interest not waning, I grab for the sword, hilt not blade. Just making that clear. Hilt not blade. Again the light comes on and the Uhers are back.

"Can you please be quiet," I growl, "I am trying to do something here."

"Sooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy............", the hidden singers answered before going quiet.

A super cute and adorable monkey girl, "Thank you," goes out to all the singers as I grip the sword with my other hand. A silent gasp coming from somewhere followed by "Shh.... She is trying to do something."

***

STRAIN!!!!!! GRUNT!!!!!! and any other words that are close to those. My teeth are grinding  and my face is turning a cute shade of red as I pull and pull and just for fun pull some more. For a moment, I think I have it but it was just my hands slipping off and I find that out when I go flying backwards into a briar patch. Ow! Okay I am clothed and all, quite adorably too, so I am wondering, how in the world did briars get under my clothes? All of my clothes! Not just in a sleeve or a cuff, no I am talking under my panties! How is this possible? How?!?

I growl as I stand and start to pick the briars off of me. Can you please turn around for a moment reader so I can pick the ones that are well, just turn around! Ow! How the? Eep! This one is getting too familiar. Oh My God, I think this one is blushing. ZZZZIIIIPPPPP. Okay you can turn around now.

Where was I again? Oh yeah, sword in the stone.... The sword that should just slip out and maybe ordain me king of all, well queen really. Not the proper kind of tripod to be a king. I would rule with a just hand as long as I am kept happy with red velvet cupcakes. Not too many though, a monkey girl needs to stay in shape and that shape isn't round either!

I approach the sword and start the song and dance again and quickly find another briar patch. Then another one and yet another. You know after twenty odd times of picking briars off of me, thanks to the sword's unwillingness to cooperate, I am not finding briars funny anymore. They are just too touchy feely for my tastes.

Now I must resort to contemplation, something I am not too familiar with. I could use lard, but I have no pigs. WD-40, but I would probably lose that little red straw thing and then the can is useless. Chew it, worth the attempt but I would have to get someone else to chew, don't want to ruin the sparklers. Chainsaw, not a lumberjack so that wouldn't work. All that is left is a nuclear missile, that should work I think. Also it makes sense, it is the next logical step really.

Determined I walk up to the sword and wave off the theatrics or the ray of light and Uhers are getting tired. I grab the sword by the hilt again and pull one more time, just to see and maybe I finally wiggled it loose. Nope, nothing and nada. The sword doesn't do anything but just sit there doing what all swords in stones do, not cooperating.

Carefully I kneel down and place my forehead against the blade, the flat of the blade not the sharp cutty side. Silently swearing an oath of ‘you will be mine’ and stand. Before the sword can argue, I dramatically point at it and announce, "Yes!" then run into the darkness again.

***

In my head I start to make up my grocery list;  metal, rocket fuel, various computer parts and weapon grade plutonium. The last part is the important part, without it I would basically have a fancy sculpture which might wow the sword but won't help me get it out. Now I could scratch off the glow in the dark stuff on old watches but that will take me forever to do, so that is a no go.

So a trip to the store is in order. I think I should be able to pick up everything at Low......wait a second where am I? I stop and look around as does my tail and I start to recognize the literal and not so literal painting on the wall. I sniff the air and can taste the smell of burning refried beans and hot sauce in the air, confirming what I already know there is a Mexican Restaurant nearby,  duh duh duh.


((Stay tune for taco time in the woods.))

[Catherine]

How and why I entered one is unanswerable at the moment, I just know I have. When I turn to leave the way I came in, you know from behind me, I hear the creaking of a door calling to me and turn to see what it wants. Standing in the far doorway is a lone figure, his face weathered and hair pulled back in a ponytail.  He is an imposing figure; dressed in black shoes, pants and open coat revealing a white shirt underneath.

That should have scared me but it didn't though, what scared me was the two violin cases that the man was carrying in his hands. Everyone knows that violins mean trouble and this guy had two of them. He meant business! It also identified him too, since only one known hit man carried two violin cases with him, 'El Grano de la Muerte’ or ‘The bean of death!’ It looks like they, just they and not some named organization had hired the best to stop me. It will take the best too, I tell myself trying to sound confident as I stand there knowing I couldn't show any weakness. The whole time I am preparing myself mentally by thinking one thing, ‘Kick him in the balls!’

At that moment a tumbleweed rolls between El Grano de ugh... I think I will just call him 'Beanie' and myself, telling me how serious this scene was since tumbleweeds only show up in the serious scenes.

I can feel the air getting thicker as we wait for the other to make the first move and look another tumbleweed rolls by as room goes quiet and the air still, so still air falls from the air. I can feel the fingers in my left hand twitch because they are bored. Suddenly out of nowhere, well from behind me, my tail whips around holding a taco for me to eat. "Thanks," I say softly not taking my eyes off of Beanie. CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH and swallow

Another tumbleweed rolls between Beanie and myself.Ok where are these things coming from? Then without warning Beanie drops the violin cases; unlatches, opens, removes something and closes them back up in a blink of an eye.

"Smoooooooo......oh no!" I say when I see the two large guns pointing in the improper direction, my direction! I would also like to point out that they are being held completely wrong too, with the barrels under the hands. Must have seen one too many action movies.  Which while cool looking is not the way to hold a gun, where did he get his gun permit from?

What is the old saying again, don't bring a knife to a gunfight? Well I am not stupid, I didn't bring a knife, I brought a staff! Knives are so limiting anyways; stab, slash, prick and bleed. Staffs are where it is at, they can do so much. Way beyond the scope of explaining really, but I see them being the rage in the future.

Talking about staves! I pull out my Hyper Turbo Super staff, signed by Johnny Chin  and it extends just long enough to be dangerous but not long enough to get in the way. If you need to know the proper length it is between this length and that other length.

As another tumbleweed rolls between us, I calmly say, "Time to see if you are a jumping bean."

***

My super cute and adorable monkey hearing picks up the noise that guns make when they are about to do the bang bang thing and I prepare. I could stand there and take  the bullets, but I have an allergy to whatever bullets are made of too. Which keeps me from doing the whole 'bite the bullet' thing, yeah no not going to try that.

But from where I am standing, I catch a glimpse of Beanie's fingers starting to pull back and jump towards him, sometimes it is best to be proactive on some things and this time it was time to be proactive. In mid air I shift my grip on the Hyper Turbo Super staff to the 'Ergh that hurts' grip and bring it down onto Beanie's head. CLANG goes the staff against one of Beanie's guns as the other one says a close, to close actually,’Hi I am here and have something for you!’  Right in front of my face.

* Ninja silent eep! *

Finger goes back and BANG!

Which is good to hear from a distance which I was now, a nice safe not a barrel in my face distance away. How may you ask, since I was just a moment ago eating gun, be across the room now? Simple a couple perfectly done flips and a hiyah!

Beanie didn't even wait to unleash the fury of his twin guns. Bullets started to race towards me trying to be the first one to tag me. Should I be scared? Uh yes, little pieces of metal are flying towards me at speeds nearing extreme. But then I do have a staff too! It starts to spin as I dance ballerina like, PING PING and PING goes the bullets as the staff deflects them.  A couple more pings later and I am smiling. New technique discovered and developed by yours truly, I shall call it’spin the staff so my butt doesn't get all holey’  technique.

*Ninja silent Whachaa!*

I hear the chinging of bullets on the floor as Beanie keeps firing. Parry, dodge and well not thrust since I am in save my butt mode. Up and over a table, staff tip goes out and under a burrito of immense size and fling.

The burrito splats right where I aimed it, of course.

*imaginary smile and two mind thumbs up*

Instantly the hot sauce of the volcano burning goes to work and Beanie screams  as the hot sauce burns his eyeballs. In pain he drops one of his guns which lands in one of the violin cases miraculously. Wasn't the case closed? Uh yeah. So how? Not sure but I am not going to try and explain it either.

Bean pissed, Beanie reaches up for the burrito and pulls it away crushing it with one hand. As beans run over Beanies hand he tosses it down. Growling something I really don't want to repeat, I would like to know if he kiss his mom with that mouth, points his gun and BLAM!!!!

I feel myself falling backwards as a red liquid splatters the wall behind me. My body hittng the floor with a thud. Ok Ow! It only takes a second before salsa packets start to rain down around me, their soul mission in life taken from them by Beanie. Picking one off my face, I read the message that it is leaving me in its last moments of life, 'Avenge me!' It says.

"I will," I whisper as I squeeze the salsa package in my hand, the last of its contents oozing out. Tossing the packet aside, I press a hand onto the floor and spin all break dance acrobatic like off the floor and into the air, where I do a little spin flip and land prepared. Staff in one hand and off to the side, my other hand pointing all serious like to Beanie as my tail does the slashy throat gesture and points to Beanie.

"Hello my name is Nichole Anna Marie Smith, you killed the salsa packets prepare to be whapped!"

Beanie laughs, flicking the toothpick that he had in his mouth at me with some weird lip action. Harmlessly it sails past my head and sticks into the wall behind me. Which of course alarms my tail and it begins to sweat, imagining how it would be like pinned to the wall like that. Of course I could say some witty comment about flipping his wood, I have several loaded up, but that would cheapen all of the salsa packets deaths and I dint want to do that.

So I do what is least expected of course. Drop to your knees and beg? No, that is the easy way out and well my knees are of course cute oh and adorable. So knees on the floor is of course out. Like a monkey out of bananas, I run towards Beanie and slide through his legs like he is home base. My staff catching both of his legs and sending him to the ground with a thud. I don't stop the slide until feet meets wall and spring, flip and ten point landing. Ah, I forgot the Yoink, let us retcon. Okay yoink, spring, flip and ten point landing.  What did I yoink? One violin case, Tadah! Thank you. Thank you.

Mad and even more bean pissed, Beanie tosses his other gun which of course lands in the other violin case. Wait what? How the? It was! Now it... Catches the.... It happens that is all I am going to say. Then stands and growls as he pulls the guitar case strapped on his back around. Beanie can play the guitar to! I wonder if he will play some Clapton if I ask.

"You don't need to serenade me," I say jokingly as Beanie opens the case. Curiosity killed the cat right? Well I am monkey and I was curious until I saw the gleam of metal and a handle and a trigger and a long belt of bullet shaped bullets.

KERCHUNK  CLUNK Spin CLICK THUNK whirl.

"Oh my Monkey!" I yell as Beanie points a very large and multiple barreled gun at me of the Gatling variety. Have I exclaimed that I have an allergy to bullets, the whole bang and hole in a body thing doesn't work for me. The barrel starts to spin and I dive behind anything that doesn't have an allergy to bullets.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

What? What did you say? It is loud! Yeah, I know. Wish I could do something, but I am doing the whole hunkered behind a garbage can thing right now. It is doing a good job though. Yeah I know I need to do something before a bullet says 'Hi!' to me. Open for ideas here. What? Take a chance, you say. Okay that sounds like an excellent idea. Let me think about it. Kind of hard to think though with all of the wood splinters raining down on me though.

I hunker down as small as possible and try the ancient ninja art of concentration. Fingers go into ears and nanananananananananana. Wow it worked! It is quieter now, I canstill hear the constant gun going boom thing a little but it is better. Now let me think. Could change into something, but what? Something fast, a cheetah maybe. Bullets are probably faster. Something that could take a bullet, a brick. Yeah tail is saying no to that one and the whole allergy thing. Something all tooth and claw, saber tooth tiger. That would surprise Beanie, instant soiling of pants I would think. Which would be funny.  Hold up, I would have to stripe down to change and I am not going to give Beanie a free show. Ok what next, adorability and cuteness. Twin weapons, too powerful to wield by some, not for me though. I would feel bad, bringing those two mighty things to bear on Beanie, he wouldn't stand a chance. What is left then?

Something taps my shoulder and I look. "What is it girl?" I ask, well I ask my tail. It motions an idea well under where bullets are still flying. "It sounds good to me. Just need to..."

Suddenly the bullets cease and I hear Beanie mumbling something. "The moment!", I stand and run to to the counter, doing a slide across the counter, "Yehaaaaaa!" I of course land on my feet, monkeys taught cats, just saying, and take off running as BOOMS can be heard again and holes start to appear around me. Run run monkey run run.

Quickly I run up to the large metal door, grab the handle, open it up, step inside and close the door. Safe!

CLICK!

,"What?", I whisper, seeing my breath appear in the freezing air, "He locked me in!" I slam my hands against the cold metal of the door and quickly get a chill. "You weren't suppose to lock it, I was!"


((Find out what happens to a monkey girl when she is locked in a freezer. It isn’t pretty, since her skin could turn blue and she isn’t a Smurf.))

[Catherine]

Disappointed, I turn and face the mountain of stuff sitting there. Craning my head back, I look up trying to see the top of the mountain but it disappears into the hanging clouds above.

I take a deep breath and exhale, which freezes in front of me, I look around and spy a couple coats hanging next to the door. Quickly I run over and grab one of them, fur lined to go with my cuteness and head to the mountain.

The ascent is easy at first with the rolling hills and stuff. Just a nice walk in the brisk cool air of the freezer, passing various meats and frozen products. Look a moose, no wait a rat. Sometimes it is hard to tell things apart when they are frozen in one of  the common poses, hands up in front of face running and screaming or sitting down hunched over like they are sitting on the toilet.

I keep on climbing and the ground below me starts to get steeper. Going from a nice to bad to yeah I should have looked at getting a snowcat. On I go through, determined, the cool air kissing my cheeks causing them to redden in an adorable away.

Snowflakes begin to fall from the sky and a Sherpa passes me,as I continue to climb the mountain, going in the opposite direction. He pauses for a moment and says something to me that I don't understand, it could be because of the howling wind or that he is speaking a language I don't understand. Sherpanesse maybe? But I nod and smile. Frantically he points towards the dark part of the mountain and shakes his head, his head obviously caught in the wind as he keeps talking to me.  The part of the mountain does look less snow blindly and stuff, I tell myself.

"What I should go that way? It does look nicer." I try to yell over the howling wind as a snowflake hits one of my eyes like a ninja throwing star. "Thanks for the tip!"  I pull my coat close as I turn and head towards  the dark part of the mountain.

***

You know when something looks big from a distance and when you get close it is gigantic. That is what the mountain was doing now, looking gigantic. Nose bleed gigantic too. Craning my head back I thought I saw the top of the mountain way up there, not there no, way up there. I could feel my tail getting all dizzy just looking up at it. Slowly it waved in front of me and I swear it was a little green. It of course acted like it wasn't but I knew better.

Carefully I step up to the sheer vertical surface and consider making a run to a sporting good store for climbing supplies, you know; rope, climbing harness, pitons and a helicopter. The necessaries for a safe climb really. But who has the time for that when you have someone or a couple unknown someones hot on your cute tail?

*ninja art of make like an elevator*

"Time to hug a mountain." I say to myself and the swirling snowflakes around me as I grab rock and pull myself up and away. Silently hoping gravity decides not to reach out and tag my cute and properly padded butt.

Up and up I go, going from crack to crack. You, you and you no crack jokes. Jumping from ledge to ledge and other little things. It isn't that hard really, not sure why people say it is. Hold onto anything you can with a death like grip and don't look down.

* Ninja rule of climbing mountains - The key thing to remember when climbing is up is your friend and plummeting uncontrollably down is not!*

Wow this mountain is tall, I tell myself, my muscles screaming as I continue upwards and some side to side. Finally one hand finds a good deep edge for a break so the other follows it and finds something different. Something not hard and rocky but furry and softish?

***

My hand feels this not rocky thing. One, two, three, four and five things that go back into something big. Each of the things has something hard and sharp on it. The rare helmeted mountain mouse maybe. I pull myself up and look and look and look up. Okay not a mouse in anyway shape or....

BIG ROAR!!!!!!!

ROAR! Spray. ROAR! Spray. ROAR! Spray. Anytime now the angry thing can stop with the spraying. I am dripping wet and whatever hasn't hit me is painting a silhouette in the air behind me. On it goes and I swear I have a waterfall running down the back of me after a while.

Finally the angry thing goes quiet for a moment and the moisture stops hitting me, my tail quickly takes advantage of the moment and wipes my face dry with a towel. "Thank you," I tell my tail and it nods you are welcome back.

As I start to pull myself up and off the edge of the ledge, I briefly look up at the angry thing and see that it is getting a drink of water. It is refilling! Quickly I roll to the side and hide behind a rock.

* Ninja art of not wanting to be seen*

I crouch down and try to make myself garden gnome small. There is nothing over here but a rock, a rock with a cute tail. That is normal. This isn't the cute and adorable monkey girl you are looking for. The angry thing carefully puts the glass down and turns to where I was at, then starts to look around for its spray friend I guess.

***
Carefully I pull out the Boy Scout manual to make sure what I am seeing is what I am seeing. Because supposably what I am seeing doesn't exist and I shouldn't be seeing it unless I am seeing things. But if I am seeing things, how do I  explain the spray and the dripping and the wet?

Man the Boy Scouts have everything in their manual, I tell myself as I flip from page to page. Let me see; how to carve a rock, how to make fire with water and on and on. Oh look how to fashion a cond.... Oh my! What edition is this? Quickly I flip to the cover and look. That makes sense now, the after dark edition. I would think that the text would glow in the dark or something, not go over well the....racier things. I goes the motto is right 'Be Prepared’, cough, for anything.

Anyways back to the scene at hand, big scary thing looking around for me. Obviously I am looking at something that doesn't exist but it does. So I need to confirm with the book. Flip.....Flip....Flip.....Flip......Flip and more flipping of pages.

The Table of contents says it should be in the section with the weird green edges. Here we go 'Stuff of the unbelievable but actually exists because it wants to  section. A chupa chupa, no that is a chupacubra, stupid snow flakes, a sucker of blood that uses a straw. Nessie, a not so fancy word for something that looks like a canoe but will eat you. * Flip * mothman. * Flip * Wendigo, which sounds like some crazed RV.

Ah here it is YETI, also know as the abominable snowman. White fur, check. Big feet, check. Tooth and claws, check and check. Likes to drink water and spray people, big check there. What else? Likes to yodel, worthless. Like lederhosen, interesting but I forgot to pack a pair. Likes snow, well obviously. Creator of yellow snow, yuck!

Suddenly I hear an inhale followed by more inhale. "Oh Monkey!" I yell as I shove the book back into the bag. Then I grip onto the stone like I have never gripped a stone before. I grip it so hard that in some states we would be married.

Huff and I will puff and ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

***

The roar comes and fortunately the water effect has been turned off, unfortunately someone hasn't been brushing their teeth. Stinky.

* Ninja art of holding my nose without hands*

“Nowd dis isd betterd.” Not much to describe really, once you hear one roar you heard them all maybe. Imagine Yoko Ono singing and you got it. The thing that would top it off is stuff flying out of the mouth....

WHSP! With a quick glance I look at what hit me, a bone! Not good! I would whip out the boy scout book and try to identify it, but I don't think it can take the high velocity roar. With a sideways glance, I can tell  the size and shape of the bone.  Mountain chicken, had a limp, it's right eye twitched when it was nervous and it's name was Frank. Oh there was other stuff flying at me, but I will mourn Frank's death the most. May it cluck in peace.


***

It gets non roar quiet again, quickly I stand and dust everything off. Keeping an eye on Mr. Roar-a-lot, just in case he gets peckish and decides monkey girl is on the menu. Time to seize the moment, I tell myself as I reach into the bag. My fingers start to touch the staff then I reconsider my choice, too easy!

Quickly I pull out and pop some Poprocks, sour apple flavor, into my mouth and I assume one of the many karate Kung fu whacha poses I know. Renamed 'Super cute and adorable mad monkey who is frothing at the mouth pose'. Ok I need to work on the title really, so it rolls off the tongue.

Mr. Roar and Spray is ready it seems as he turns to me. "Time to eat monkey paw!" I yell jumping to the yeti all cool like.

((Time to fight!!! Player one - Super cute and adorable monkey girl with mad ninja skills. Player two - Yeti that likes to spray. Stay tune for mad super moves and a fight scene that will make you go wow.))

[Catherine]

The  Yeti is watching me, I mean come on why wouldn't he.

Roll and spring up. "Surprise!" I shout as I swing a fist forwards, towards the punching bag between the Yeti's legs. Is that where boxers keep theirs?

* Amazing monkey punch!

Super Whap! Really at this moment I can't see the Yeti's face as the scowl disappears and quickly being replaced by shock and awe. Probably some  'What the?' and slow motion 'Ow!' too. Did you take a photo? Can you send it to me? I should get one for my journal.

I dive between between the Yeti's legs as he stumbles forward, after being smacked in the back by the punching bag. I roll up into a squat, whipping out my Super Turbo Extending Staff of whapping behind my back and imagine the explosions behind me adding to the awe  and that would be cool!  All of this happens as the Yeti goes down to one knee, THUMP,  quickly he turns his head and growls at little ole me.

***

ROUND ONE NOT OVER!

The ledge begins to shake as the Yeti growls, releasing snow from above. The staff begins to slowly spin as I turn to face the yeti. Watching him as he gets up and dusts off his shoulders and gathers his composure. Well I can't have that now can I? No need to look up the answer for that question in the back of the book, it is 'No No'. I wrote it down next to the question for ease of use. Hi-lighted it too, which made my fingers all yellow afterwards. Also my tongue, hi-lighters taste yucky. Yes yellow, but not banana flavored.

The super turbo hyper extending staff of whapping spins off  to my left side. The tip catching a snowball as it innocently sits there, doing what snowballs do. Snowball stuff!  Tip catches snowball and zippity do da the snowball makes a beeline towards the Yeti. "Bye bye snowball," I whisper to myself as I watch it shoot towards the target. Three… two and one followed by Splat! Shoot my aim was off, I was aiming for a nostril.

***
Yeti pissed the well yeti wipes the snow away from itself, oops got another one for you.  SPLAT!!! Well if he wasn't happy before, he won't be now, not with the look he is giving , no fun. The nerves of some.

I would so love to say time slows down at this moment, but it doesn't. It is so cold here, I think that time is hanging out by a fire with a cup of cocoa. But a time slow down at this moment, would up the costs of the scene and well it isn't necessary since a tumbleweed rolls between us. Really a tumbleweed here?

Ok pause! Look where we are at. This white stuff is snow not sand. We aren't in the desert, although dessert sounds good right about now. So please explain where the tumbleweed would have came from. Go ahead please explain.  That is your best explanation really, because the scene called for something to roll though the scene. You couldn't have used a snowball? No, why? They never emote and seem cold & distant all the time. Didn't know that. Let's get back to the scene.

Tumbleweed rolls across scene and Go!


***
Spits and Sprays quickly turns to face me and as he does tosses, throws or whatever. Let's just say there was a lot of snow coming toward me at the moment. I was monkey nut screwed and I was out of nuts. "No fai......", I try to say before the snow hits, encasing me in its cold embrace and me without my hand warmers.

Now if the camera pulled away at the moment, you would see the Yeti slowly making its way towards a snowman with a monkey tail poking out the back of it. I do have to clarify something though. Like a Twinkie there is somethIng sweet inside, oh and don't forgot super cute and adorable too! Also if you had one of those microphones that you can pick up stuff from a distance with, you would hear a grumble grumble grumble coming from the snowman. “I can't believe he knew the frozen dinner attack!”

***

Thump! Thump! Thump! I should clarify the thumps, those are not my heart beating. Those are Mr. Size Forty walking my way. Let me throw a couple more in. Thump! Thump! Thump! I can tell by the smugness in Big White's steps that he thinks he has won.

* Ninja silent laugh of defiance, Ha Ha *

What Grumpy pants doesn't know is that my tail has been watching him the whole time, tracking his every move like some great predator. My tail is licking its lips as Cottonball comes closer, soon tail will pounce on the clueless prey. Mwhahahaha!

Suddenly my tail signals me. "Is it time girl?" I frozen whisper to it and it nods? "Good!"

The yeti closes the gap between us, slowly leaning in to sniff the 'victim' I guess. I can feel the snow around me starting to warm from its breath. Okay stinky! PHEW! Someone needs a breath mint. Okay, when was the last time it brushed its teeth or gargled more than rabbits. Frustrated dentists want to know.

Time  to do the countdown thing. Three...Two..I can count backwards Yay me and One! You know what, that was fun! Let us try it again but in Español, minus the accents because those are tricky to hold. Tres...Dos y Uno! Frijoles and beans!

Monkey Girl Popsicle anyone? Don't forgot it now has cute and adorable too. No artificial flavoring or preservatives.  It also comes with a stick! Please don't cry staff, it was an accident calling you a stick. You are so much more than a stick. You are please don't cry.


***

BOINK goes the idea light bulb, which helps warm the top of my head. I have an idea or the idea had me, one of the those.

* Ninja camera zoom out just enough *

I can sense the  Abdominal Sprayer is getting closer and closer, invading my personal space. It sees the frozen dinner in front of it and is hungry, hungry tummy hungry.  It knows it hasn't reheated the dinner yet but the Yeti doesn't care, but he should look for the box and read the directions though. They aren't there to make the box look pretty. Because you know stuff happens when instructions aren't followed. That stuff happens too! In a burst of surprise and maybe the cause of some yellow snow.


As the white and furry got closer and closer the end of the staff erupts out of the snowman, temporary blinding Mr. Static Cling. Before he can do anything, the staff shoots up one of his nostrils, OOF! Hey it was either a nostril, an ear full of wax and squirrels or the mouth & yeah no for that hole.  I would have loved to see the look on Mr. Fuzzywumkins face, eyes big with the 'what the' look, but hey encased in snow here.

Insert staff 'A' into nostril 'B' and apply just the proper amount of force. Uh I think I got it, just a little more and...... Freedom!!!!!!

Up I shoot, hey don't go all psychics on me either. I shot up! Like up, up there and point. You just have to believe this time. You blinked and missed it so.......your fault.

I do the whole spin and flip in the air, then land perfectly. The tip of the staff hits the ground, sounding like it is laughing and my tongue comes out to blow a raspberry at the Yeti.

ROUND 1 OVER - TIE!


***

ROUND 2 - BEGIN!

Well this is boring way to start a second round, both waiting for the other to move. Head falls back and mouth open boring. I think there is mental droll is dripping out of the mouth. Drip Drip Drip.

The yeti squints and gives me the classic Clint Eastwood pose, one eye a little more closed than the other. I can see a finger twitch in its left hand, the type of twitch a kid gets when they have had too much sugar and forced to sit there.

In a flash of movement the Yeti rushes me, rushes me as good as something that is big and lumbering can rush. THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! Okay same attack as before, squash the monkey girl with an immense fist technique. What should I ever do?

Click goes the staff behind me, one hand firmly gripping it. Standing there, I watch as the fist starts to arc towards me, pushing the air in front of it as it starts its descent. Yawn, I think as well as I yawn. Seen it, experienced it before. Nothing new yawn yawn. The fist continues its downward descent. Impact imminent! Warning! Warning!

GROUND ROCK AND ROLL SMASH!!!!

"That would have hurt," I tell Mr. Cotton ball as I sit there cross legged at the tip of the staff, looking down at him a little. Slowly I start to lean towards the yeti, the staff bending further and further as I do. A big smile forming as I get closer. "Well hello," I say,  right before Mr. Grabby swipes at me with his other hand. Miss! How? I lean backwards. Swipe! Dodge. Just did, don't ask.

No monkey splat with that attack. Plus one for cuteness! Before Mr. White does anything, I bunny hop with the staff and change my grip as I flip in the air.

Hello Mr. Staff  meet Mr. Top of head. *CRACK!*  I feel the staff vibrating in my hands as I hop away, OW OW OW, my hands screaming at me for being stupid. Gracefully I land, my staff dancing around me. Zip. Zip. Zip. Zip. Zip. Oh that is the sound of the staff swirling around me. Zip. Zip. Zip.

Mr. Cotton Gin stands up, fixing the hair on his head. Wait a moment? Fixing the hair it looked like he was straightening it! Does that mean?  Could it be?

A smile starts to form as an idea gets stuck in my head, stuck like a......like a......like a hand in the cookie jar! That is so lame, jeez. Like a banana in my mouth? Banana not something else dirty minds. I am pointing at you, you and you. Oh and trick shot behind back to you.

I wonder......


Holy William Shatner rumor moment! Could it be? Okay, okay need to focus or Big White will give me a hug to end all hugs. Don't want that, I like my body in one piece and I am sure there would be double the not so fun for me after Huggie bear got a hold of me.


***
Quickly I shake my head, getting back into the here and now. Which is good since during the now that I missed something, Mr. Fuzzy had decided to test a theory of his. One that I disagreed with him about. Do cute and adorable monkey girls squish like grapes. One out of one monkey girls say "Yeah, No!"

Still the fist came, knuckles and all, towards me. At that moment I could tell you what grapes thought as they sat there in a barrel, minding their own business until a foot lowers from the heavens to squash them. Poor grapes, sad face, they didn't ask to be stepped on by smelly feet. If they could run and scream they would but all they can do is roll, but they are also stuck in barrel. Defenseless and without helmets or little spears! Poke poke don't step on us.

Or...... Mind boom here. The grapes see the feet as the feet of God. Wow yes, mind boom. They are willing sacrificing themselves.  Maybe even virgin sacrifices, never tasting the touch of another grape until they are thrown together at the end and now they have grape butts pushed into their faces. For what reason though?  I don't know but someone should investigate and see if the grapes are willing sacrificing themselves or are being sacrificed, so that the doors can be blown off the cover up. Oh my monkey! I just thought of this, maybe grape elders have made arrangements with feet for advanced technology. Definitely needs an investigation, the grapes deserve it.

* Ninja tip - pay attention in the moment and don't day dream. You will see in the next paragraph. *

I feel the hurricane force wind blow pass by face and I am back in the now as something slams into the ground next to me. I don't even need to look to know what it is and to also know that my tail just saved me, it nods once after I whisper thank you to it.

Before I can do anything, I feel something latch onto my legs and pull me off the ground. What the? Not good! Off the ground means something and something that isn't good. Piñatas come to mind. Ow stop squeezing so hard!

***


What is up with grabbing the monkey? Two times in one day now. Last time all the blood rushed to my head and now Mr. Not so huggably soft is trying to squeeze it out the top of me like I am a toothpaste container. The subtle curves I have I like and I don't want them replaced by crushed things. He might think he is giving me a massage but I would argue that. ERGH! Definitely argue.

I let my body go limp and fall forwards. 'What are you doing?' my brain asks frantically as my head quickly starts to fall in one direction. 'You know this is....' CRACK!!! Head meets head and one now questions what she did. Ow! Did I hit Professor Puff's head or a brick wall? Ow! Not a smart idea, but wait I am close.

* Idea to take advantage of the moment boink! *

With my eyes closed, I grab a mouthful of fur with my teeth, yuck spit spit and pull back. Not sure what I was expecting, maybe a little resistance but no. If I didn't have the taste of fur in my mouth, I would think it was empty, but I had the distinct case of cotton/fur mouth and I do not recommend restaurants start serving it either.

My staff starts to meet bare flesh as I rain blow after blow down on the top of Señor Fuzzylumkins' head as I say words of power over and over, "Let me go!"  After a while I think he finally understands what I want and the Yeti opens his hand before stumbling back several steps, letting me go.

The staff spins back to my tail, who continues to spin it slowly behind me as I check my body for any crushed zones. I do a quick count;  set off hips, two legs and etc. Relief washes over me for a moment and then I have a 'This isn't good' moment when I see the yeti. This isn't good.

***

I watch as the yeti starts to wrap his hands, where he got the wraps is beyond me, but he did and he is. He gives me a look of..... well a look, as he starts to tie a belt around himself, okay again where did he get the belt? The ground shudders as he stamps one foot followed by the other, placing them in a wide stance. Slowly the Yeti lowers himself, placing his hands in a position that  Master showed me once and warned me about. He warned me of a possible defeat by one taught the style that was being revealed to me, the dreaded "Squatting Squach" style. Big white was toying with me this whole time!

Master always taught me to be courteous to others trained in the other styles. So I give the  Yeti a slight bow, never taking my eyes off of him. In kind he returns the bow. Our eyes connect and with words unsaid, words are said. We both nod in agreement, one slow nod not more. More is an insult, a slap in the face by a white give, the dreaded imaginary white glove attack, and neither of us would do that to the other.

It is strange to see another do the same things as you are doing at the same time. I would say it is like looking in a mirror, but it isn't even close. Since well one is huge and hairy and the other is cute and adorable. We both inhale and exhale before rushing towards each other, fists raised and tail spinning staff. I would say mouths open but mine was closed, I learned the hard way once. Went rushing forward and swallowed a hummingbird, after that I vowed never to rush forward with my mouth open again.

Closer and closer until suddenly both of us....

***

Let's recap, Yeti and I are rushing towards each other. Then..... Duh Duh Duh. Dramatic stuff until the next paragraph or sentence or whatever is next.


((What happens next? Tell us! Tell us! Fingernail chewing because of the drama in the air. Until next Monkey time mwhahaha))

[Catherine]

Both of us are staring at each other intently. One hand out and open and the other balled into a fist. "One," and balled hand goes down and up. "Two," and balled hand goes down and up. "And three!" and balled hand goes down, up and back down. Quickly we both form symbols of power with our balled fists. Whoever put the correct symbol of power out of the three, will win.  Whoever wins gets, well gets something. While the other one is the loser and has to form the symbol of the 'loser' with a hand on their forehead while singing the 'I am a little loser' song.

Looking over towards the Yeti, I can see the symbol of power that he chose. It makes sense really and I am not surprised, the sign of the boulder and not Colorado either. A symbol of overwhelming crushing power, once released things get crushed like grapes. SQUISH  SQUISH. Nothing can stand in its path, be warned mwhahaha.

I know If I picked the wrong symbol I was done for and had the odd feeling that I would be taking the fast route down the mountain, ending in a SPLAT! I wasn't too open on that mode of transport down the mountain, you know screaming all the way down as arms flailed in a frantic attempt to fly. What did I have?

I look down for just a moment and see the symbol I chose and nearly jumped up. Long and flat, the symbol of the sheet. Giving and versatile, able to protect and if wound up correctly can be used up as a weapon with a SNAP! Although not strong looking it is the one symbol that beats boulder.

* Ninja silent whew! *

Carefully I put my symbol on top of yeti's as I say, "sheet beats boulder." Then I stand, slipping the staff back into my bag. "Here you go," I say tossing the toupee back towards the yeti as I turn to leave. I hear a grunt coming from behind me as I start my climb again, I hope it is a good grunt and not one saying 'Your canvas beat my boulder, prepare for an atomic crushing.'

One hand above the other, I start to climb up and not down. I checked just to make sure.

"One hand over the other," I sing to myself as I climb, my hands finding every little crack and bump that will help me ascend higher. I can feel my arms are burning, all thanks to what just happened. Boulders, sheets and sharp things that sure takes a lot out of a person. Oh and the fighting before that too, forgot that. Arm up and reach, muscles scream. Arm up and reach, muscles scream. Maybe there will be a rest stop or something, a coffee shop maybe? I could go for a super gigantic almost planetary big double single triple latte with just a squirt of low fat milk done in the lunar reverse direction to prevent gravity wells, just a squirt of low fat milk though no matter what I do need to watch my figure.

Suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder, "What is up girl?" I ask, thinking it is my tail. TAP! TAP! "Yes," I sing out. TAP! I turn my head to look at my tail and see a finger connected to a hand connected to an arm connected to a body. A body that I recognize at Mr. Stay Puff. Can he fly too?

He points down and I look. Okay I have not climbed as far as I thought. I thought I had climbed hundreds of feet really fast, but it looks like I have only climbed about six. The yeti points up and I nod, "Yes up." Before I can do anything the Yeti grabs me and like a baseball or a paper airplane he throws me straight up.

"TTTTTTTTTTTThhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk           yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...", I say as I shoot up and up and up. The mountain streaking past me as I go and thank god I missed the mountain goat. That would of been a head into butt experience that I do not want to experience. Just the thought of it makes me shudder.

***


I continue shooting upwards, like a rocket, towards the moon, not so secretly hoping I don't hit it. That would hurt if I did and I have heard that it is made of green cheese and that really does not sound too appetizing, that and I didn't pack crackers either and that is an important part of eating cheese I hear. As the side of the mountain streaked by, I could tell the top floor of the mountain was getting closer, DING DING DING. Suddenly a blur streaks by that looks ledge-like, having the proper details that match a ledge description. Top floor, thin air and ledges ding, I do a flip and land. Tadah! Arms fly out and bow.

Turning around, I look over the edge and back down the mountain. "That was gravity defying," I say with a little laugh right before I hear someone clearing their throat, "Hello Friend."

***

"Hello?" I respond, turning back around to see a little man sitting by a smoking fire, a lone ember burning in it. In a way he reminds me of a Buddhist monk, what with the way he looks. You know simply dressed, beads and the bald head. He gives me a small smile and motions me to join him by the fire.

I hear the sound of crunching snow as I walk over to the fire and join the monk. My tail donning a knitted cap to keep it from freezing off. Slowly I breath in sucking in the cold air before I start to speak, my breath condensing in front of me and falls to the ground as I start to talk.

"My name is Nichole Anne Marie Smith and who may you be?"

"It is a pleasure to meet you, I am the Lurker of the mountain," the monk answers giving me a little smile. "Now I have a question for you. What brings you to the top of the mountain?"

I think for a moment, before answering."Well there is this guy and well the whole bang bang thing, you know the whole allergy to bullets and everything. I saw the mountain and thought why not climb to the top of it. It is there and I always wondered what the top of a mountain looked like and it is hard to tell at the bottom of one, so up I came."

Taking a breath I look around, "You know you should consider sprucing up the place. All the white is well white. Maybe a spruce right over there," I say pointing over there where a spruce might look good at. "I don't recommend a conifer though, the needles in this wind, it is just begging for someone to get poked in the eye. Safety first in precarious ledge design, you know. Also lawn chairs are a big no no, yes they are relaxing sometimes but you would need to get the correct ones for up here. Get the wrong ones and all they say is frozen redneck and I don't think you want that."

I turn back and give Lurker a smile, "So..... You up here and the thin air, any words of wisdom?"

***

"Over complication is a cause of many ..." blah blah blah. What? You stupid blahs I wanted to hear what Lurker was saying and you just barged in! I can't ask him to repeat himself either already, that would be rude!

The blahs are forcing me to do something, the stupid looking smile and nod something. Grrr.... stupid smile and nod. Please don't realize that I am covering for the inner blah blah stuff. Please..... "Thank you for sharing," I say, bowing my head for a moment.

"Oh wise one, I have something to ask you."

The monk nodded and motioned with his head back to a lone cave behind him. "That way."

"What that way?" I ask as I motion with my head.

"Your answer," the monk answered.

"I haven't even asked anything yet.

"There is no reason to ask anymore since you have the answer now. It is that way," motioning to the cave again.

"Ok I get the hint," I say as I stand up and dust of my pants. Remember snowflakes stain with water and that can lead to some embarrassing situations. Crunch crunch goes the snow as I walk over to the cave entrance, look inside and then questionably look back at  the monk, who is just floating there with his legs still crossed. A fishy voice can be heard in my head, "It's a trap!"

"Is this a trap?" I ask and without waiting. "Am I going to go in and find a not so quite teddy bear just waiting to sharpen its claws on something?"

The monk nodded and pointed towards the back of the cave.

"Okay, but if something happens I am so coming back out and having a word." I reply as I start to walk into the  cave. Wow for a cave it is getting dark fast and me without my nightlight.


((Dark areas are scary, find out how scary in the same monkey topic, I would say same monkey time but can’t guarantee that. That and it will be dark so I won’t be able to see the hands of the clock.))

[Catherine]

Darkness. Darkness. Darkness. A foot finds something and I stumble. Darkness. Something hits head and squeaks. Darkness. Not sure how I am writing these words since I can't see my hand. Darkness.  Wait a second there it is, my hand! Two large flat fingers and a thumb. Darkness.  No I have four fingers and a thumb! Darkness. Quickly walking and not running in the darkness.

Then I run, *cough* okay quick walk,  into something uncavish, don't bother looking up 'uncavish' since it doesn't exist. Well it does now, so please use it if you like, it is not not copyrighted or trademarked so do not worry about that. Also I should give you the definition so it can be used correctly. Uncavish is something that doesn't fit properly into the whole cave thing. It is an adjective too and not a verb so you can't say 'I am going uncavish on this hamburger *growl*.'

Back to the uncavish thing, sitting right there in the middle of the cave behaving most uncavish is a turnstile spanning the width of the tunnel. This has to be joke, I silently tell myself as I run up to it.  Pushing my body into it, I expect it to give but nothing. Grrrr....Jump it maybe, but I see the sign sitting there saying a clear easily to understand message. 'Don't even consider jumping the turnstile, just get it out of your mind now. Pay up and then you can pass.'

"Pay up?" I yell, grabbing the turnstile, pushing and jerking on it trying to express something, "This is a cave not the New York City subway!"  I start to yell when I see another sign doing the sign thing with words, 'Stop the yelling or you will wake up the vampire bats. A penny is all we are asking. Deposit it in the slot and ye shall pass.'

Vampire bats? Eek! Pass on those so I immediately turn my volume down. A penny? Those things multiply in pockets like rabbits even if your pockets are empty. I don't know how but there is always at least one penny in a pocket. Go ahead and look, I will wait. What yours didn't have a penny?  You must have scared it off.

I check and I am a penny wiser, it gleams in the cave's not light as I hold it up and in it goes in with a clunk. A push later and I am on the other side. Just in time too! As the two fingered thing runs up. "Sorry," I say pointing towards the turnstile and then the sign, "It costs one penny and you don't have pockets." I watch as two fingers drops its shoulders in defeat right before I turn and walk away, into the soon blinding light and adventure!


***

Nothing says adventure than the smell of ruins in the morning. Yeah I know it isn't exactly morning now, somewhere in the world it is morning though. Sniff, okay yeah these ruins are a little blah, they must be past their 'Use by' date. Pew Pew.

Okay, how did I get here you ask?  Good question to be honest. You are probably doing the whole scratching your head thing right now, please tell me you don't have fleas.

How did I get here? Well I can tell you some big complicated  thing about matter displacement and stuff but really that is just yawn. Let's just say that I am here now and settle with that.  Be happy that I didn't go into the mathematics side of it either, you don't have enough fingers and toes.

Looking look around I can see the standard and I guess required elements of ruins; tons of dust, spider webs and things in not so good conditions. If people took better care of their ruins, you know dust them every once in awhile, they would be in better shape. I blame laziness or some great event as the cause of ruins and the shape they are in.

If you build a large unknown and hard to get to city you should take care of it, at least dust every once in a while. What I am seeing now can not be called dust bunnies at all, dust elephants maybe. Now if it was some great event, I understand. That (dusting and stuff) is the last thing you are thinking about when you are trying to save your bacon.

But that is all in the past and now it is the present so time to explore, before I become a ruin. 

* Adjust imaginary felt fedora which surprisingly didn't get blown off in the climb.*

Now reader, yes I know you are there reading my words. If you weren't, you wouldn't be reading these right now so...

Before I go further into the ruins, I should stop and tell you about some things you need to look for when looking around ruins. Let's give it a name, I got it 'Monkey's Tips and Stuff for when you are ruin crawling and don't want anything bad to happen to you sort of maybe I really don't know but hey. - First Edition.'

* Lick mental pencil; Chapter One - Things that make you go Ow! *

When exploring ruins there are several things to look for, yes treasure is one of them, but the thing I am focusing on in this chapter is traps. They sort of can ruin a ruin crawl quickly if sprung. Once you take a spear to the chest that pile of rubble over there doesn't look to inviting to climb up. We will quickly review the four types of traps you might find below.

Number one is pit traps, either intentionally placed. Don't ask me why either. I can just imagine some crazed interior designer, "You know what will look good in this corridor, a pit trap. That will push the whole decor to the next level too. It is the in thing this year and you can fill them with just about anything; water, spikes, jello, balls or just keep them empty." Then the unintentionally  placed. You know stuff just falls sometimes, caused by nature or some big heavy thing that doesn't watch the weight load and down they go. What can I say about pit traps? Easily dodged if they aren't camouflaged and if they have spikes at the bottom it will hurt. Ball ones are fun though.

Number two is the dart slash arrow traps. Those smart, smart a lot when you get tagged by a dart or arrow. It is the whole where did this thing come from thing. Sometimes those little things are poisoned too. You will know if a dart is poisoned if the world starts to go dark and you fall to the floor. Also with these types of traps; be it darts, arrows and sometimes spears is the important phrase, 'There is never just one!' That means hello pin cushion! Remember if you are exploring with another, always walk two steps behind them, just saying. You want to see  and not feel darts.

Number three is the crushing traps. Every ones knows what I am talking about. Big heavy thing comes down and CRUSH! Most are set in one spot but then you got those interior designers who like being creative. Who like to get the ball rolling in more ways than one. Crash.....roll....roll....roll....CRUSH!!! Easily detectable, "Look a large heavy weight hanging over to there, what will I do?" or if the trap is sprung "I am so flattened that you took the time to put a trap here."

Number four is the animal trap. These come in many shapes and sizes. From little snakes that bite and hiss to big things with teeth and claws. These are tricky since they are mobile and can take many forms. What works for one won't work for the other. A stick might help with a snake but you will just piss of the tiger. Oh and to add to the mobile thing, other traps won't chase you down. That is the key thing to remember when you go screaming from some animal trap, something has your back and soon it will be chewing on some part of you.

* Slips mental pencil behind ear and okay. *



((Time to go exploring! Find out what is found and why or why not ruins are called ruins next time.))

[Catherine]

"Let us, well me actually, get going. Ruins to explore and fun times to have, Come on!"

I take in what I can see as I descend the stairs in front of me? For ruins I would give them a good rating, multiple levels and everything. Better than some of the ones I have imagined exploring.  All the dust is piled up in the right places and everything, someone took great care in setting up these ruins, which is a good sign! I will have to tell you though, Some just hastily just throw a ruin together and you get some mockery of ruin. No soul just hastily strewn about rubble. But whoever designed this ruin, knew what they were doing and it shows.

As I walk along enjoying the craftsmanship in the ruins, maybe even whistling and not realizing it. I come upon a door of immensity. I reach up for the doorknob and well yeah nothing. Well there was something, a squishy feeling. Slowly I close my eyes as I drop my hand. I don't even bother looking at what my hand found, I can only guess and really ick. "Stupid bats," I growl shaking my hand to get the squishy stuff off. I hear a couple splats and then *ninja art of hand sanitizing* pull out a moist towelette out of thin air. Wipe wipe wipe and toss the towelette into the garbage can right over there.

Okay back to the door of immense size.  I did hear a laughing squeak as I tossed the towelette away. So I can expect another squishing up there, thanks to Mr. Squeaks. The only thing I can do is bite the bullet and take the squishing until the door is open.  Then sanitize and grumble at the bat.

Close eyes and focus. Breath and relax. Hand goes up and squish. Ick! Keep a hold of the doorknob. Ick! Start to turn doorknob. Ick! Push on door. Ick! CREAK.... I hear a flapping behind me and a squeakish screech, quickly I turn and can see a bat flying towards me all dive bomber like.

"What are you going to do?" I say before sticking out my tongue, "I am through and I can wipe my hand off after I get through, nah nah nah hah nah."

From this distance I should not have been able to see the look on the bat's face. How it starts to grimace and squeeze its eyes closed. Suddenly like a spray of bullets, which aren't really bullets but I am thinking you can guess what he is firing, a line of Ick splats start peppering the ground in my direction. SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!

"Oh I am not going to be taken out in a hail of Ick, no no no," quickly I dodge around the door and can feel the multiple impacts of the Ick hitting the door. CHOOM. CHOOM. CHOOM. CHOOM.

In my head I could imagine the bat doing some aerial stunt and passing through the opening in the doorway, only to pepper me from this side. I would be powerless against its Ick barrage like the big ape was on the building with the airplanes.

"I am no big ape!" I growl as I apply pressure of the closing type to the door. Slowly it begins to give in and the door closes with a door closing sound. Followed by another sound, ok I would cheapen the moment if I said it was one sound so here is what I heard.

"Oh squeak......" THUNK! Followed by something sliding down the other side of the door. Quickly I turn around, back against the door and do a reverse arm thrust, "Yes!"

***
With my back against the door, I could see the doorway across the room from me. How the room was getting light was a general unknown. It just was, maybe it was the amount of dust that was creating the light. That was feasible in some weird way or another. Just don't ask me to describe it though. Or........ Ruins have a natural lighting system for safety. Just think what would happen to a ruin's insurance rates if someone got hurt as they stumbled around in the darkness. The first time would cost tons and whoever was running the ruins would have to close them. So yeah maybe safety lighting.

There are some pluses for lighting ruins, some I have listed already and then negative things is primarily one or another. By carrying your torch, you are doing several things. One is that you are using one of your hands, so you have to give a weapon or something else that is important up. Imagine going into a fight and asking whatever monster you are facing and asking them to hold. Not a good situation to be in.

Second is a general knowledge of where you are at for everything else. "Look guys I think someone is over there, you know with the torch." So yeah not good when you are trying to be all sneaky.

Oh and the final negative, two combined into one really. If you are carrying a torch,fire burns. Think about that. If you are using a flashlight, batteries! Just think, you are out in the middle of ruins and the flashlight dies. Suddenly you find yourself in pitch darkness and is that something breathing heavy over there?


***


Back to what my eyes can see, like the strange lettering over by the other door. Let's see bird, moon, square, inchworm standing up, inchworm sitting down, a donut, another inchworm, bird, a diamond and some other stuff. Okay someone was being artsy with their ruins, I think. I wonder......

Quickly I get out the Boy Scout manual, they couldn't be in..... Flip. Flip. Flip. Some more flips. Okay there is a section on symbols, someone really did their research! Diamond - circle - half eaten donut and two dots means 'I would like to buy some cheese.' Interesting and here is one asking 'Where is the bathroom?' Okay why? Did they carry a chisel and rock around with them all the time? Chisel out a message and point? Then wait for the other person to do the same? That is a lot of rocks used in a long conversation,  I would think.

Anyway let me do some looking up and decoding. Okay, okay, bird means this, circle, okay, square actually is an accent for the following character, carry the three, ok, inchworm means this unless standing  up which means something else, ok, add some spaces then divide by lemon and got it. It says,  drum roll please, 'This is a warning sign and you have been warned. Watch out for ...'

"Umm, watch out for what?" I ask checking the manual again. "For what?" Quickly checking the symbols again. Okay nothing... It just ends!

What is the worse thing it could be though, a minotaur? All horns and stuff so really not a problem. The only time one of those is a problem is when you are wearing red and it looks like I am devoid of red so I am safe. Quickly I close the manual and slip it back into my bag as I leave the room, behind me a strange breeze kicks up in the room, blowing some of the dust away and revealing several more symbols, which if I saw and deciphered, they would say 'Demon!'

***

We are walking briskly, please remember no running in ruins unless something that can make you go "Ow!", is chasing after you. Then run like the wind. Okay over that way is rubble and over that way is more rubble, so if you need some rubble to finish off your collection, you might find it here.

Faster than slowly I make my way down a corridor, around a corner and look another corridor. Of course I continue down that one because that is what makes corridors  happy, going down them and I find myself at an intersection. Right, left or straight ahead? If I go down the wrong one I might find myself a snack of a large mouth with teeth, which sounds appetizing but no. There is also the whole lost thing too. But that will never happen what with my super cute and adorable monkey senses. Me getting lost is like me getting my hand stuck in a paper bag, it will never happen. Yes there was that one time but that bag had a death grip on my hand.

I take a step into the middle of the intersection and close my eyes. Deep breath to center myself as I bring a hand up with a finger pointed.

*ninja art of find me the way*

I start to spin in place, well the best that I can stay in place. My hand getting pulled out straight by centrifugal forces or something *cough* arm getting tired *cough*. Spin, spin and spin. My tummy starts to tell me that I should stop or it will help me lose my lunch and my tail nods in agreement. "Hold on!" I whisper as I spin faster and faster, stars and birds whirling around me. I hear a "Moo..........", it couldn't be, a moo cow? I stumble and being to fall, it's working!

The world is keeps spinning as I lay here, just slower now as I open my eyes. My hand pointing down one corridor.,"It always works," I say as I try to stand, whoops almost lost it there as I stumble a little. Let me brace myself against the wall for just a moment. I have found that the ninja art of find me the way always takes a little out of a person. So let me rest for just a moment against this wall..... Stupid wall, stop moving! I...I....I got you.

Closing my eyes,  I take a couple breaths and then slowly reopen them to see if the whole spinning thing stopped. Yeah I think so, no more I am going to be sick on the spinning so fast kids are getting tossed off like nothing merry-go-around effect. I push away and start to head down the corridor when I feel a tapping on my shoulders.

"Yes?" I say giving my tail a quick glance. It motions back the other way. "I am going the wrong way aren't I?" it nods and motions again in the opposite direction. "Thank you," I say stopping and then taking off in the other direction.

"You are always watching out for my butt."


((Hmmm Ruins to explore. What could go right or wrong? See next Monkey time.))

[Catherine]

"Well hello there," I say ninja silent to myself when I spot something down the corrido. Instantly I take a step to the side and crouch behind a rock.

* ninja art of invisibility *

Do not be scared, I am only a rock and not a super cute and adorable monkey girl with a staff of whapping. So please lead me, especially through any traps. Mental hand across forehead and whew! This will make the ruin crawling easier, following one of the ruins so they will know where all the bad things are.

Oops forgot to say what I saw, it was a robe! Oh that is really scary, you laugh but something was in the robe too. What was in the robe was unknown because it was being concealed by the robe, so it could be a person, animal, ghost or monster. I am so hoping it is number one on the list and not number three or four.

Anyways I scurry from one side to the other down the corridor, following the robe. Every so often it would stop and turn in my direction. Instantly I would stop of course, so tempted to wave at the robe though sometimes. But I was running silent and below radar now, stealth mode, so waving was not an option. Even my  tail was in stealth mode, wearing those thermal goggles that every spy wears. There is no way that robe would get way from us.

I keep following the robe, gosh this is a long corridor, when he finally turns a corner. Quickly but oh so carefully, not even 'accidentally' kicking the beetle that was just begging to be punted, I run up and  peek around the corner, What the? Where did? How the?

Okay empty corridor, robes don't just disappear into nothing. Maybe the robe knew someone was following it and beat feet as soon as it turned the corner. Yeah that is it, ruins usually never have secret entrances or anything. Cautiously I step out into the empty corridor and start to head down it. Nothing, no signs or anything. Just the weird looking fungus on the walls, but ruins and fungus go together like peanut butter and chocolate so I am not going to yell at the fungus.

I get about halfway down the corridor when I hear multiple somethings cocking like shotguns. CHANK....CHUNK!. All up and down either side of the corridor. Quickly I start to look around, where is it coming from? Fake wall?  KNOCK.....KNOCK nope! If there are holes in the walls, they are pretty well hidden in the fungi. I crouch down a little to take myself below the average hole height and slowly start my way down the corridor again.

Almost....almost.....wait a second did the fungi move. It can't be, but I swear it is pointing directly at me now. CHANK....CHUNK! My eyes fly open right after the last possible moment when I finally figure out something. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! The fungus starts firing large blasts of spores at me. Frantically  I try to dive and roll out of the blasts but the whole corridor is lined with the fungus. BLAM! BLAM! I get thrown across the corridor. Dive and roll. BLAM! The roll is extended and for some odd reason I get the feeling I am the ball in a pinball machine as I get bounced up and down that corridor. If the rubble lighting up every time I hit a wall, I really don't know.

BLAM! One last blast knocks me back to where I started. Covered in spores and blargh dizzy. "Ugh!" I say as I roll out of the ball, my tail falling down beside of me,nStupid shotgun fungus. Blargh! Usually it isn't this powerful, it must have....Blargh! Let me lay here for a little while so my tummy can stop spinning. How did the robe get by, I wonder as I lay there trying not to be blargh.

After a moment or maybe twenty, I flip around and start to pick myself up a little as I look at the ground. Any footprints would of been erased due to my 'pinball action.' So that is a no go...

I stand up and quickly check the walls. Yes they are definitely walls no questions there. Press. Press. Press. No hidden switches. Press. Press. Press. Nothing. There is that one weird looking knobby type thing over there. SQUEAK!!!!!! No that is just a very angry bat now.

"So how did robe do it?" I ask turning to look down the corridor. Nothing looks out of place, the fungi is about three feet off the ground. Almost like it is in a straight line all the way..... Hey wait a minute, could it be? Did robe limbo all the way down the corridor ?

It is worth a try and I hear my spine crack as I assume the proper limbo position. Inhale, exhale and start. It's working, I tell myself after taking a couple steps forwards but it is also hurting! Yow by the time I make it to the other side, my knees and back will be screaming.

Eventually I reach the other side, my knees are threatening mutiny or even worse. I stand stretching and do some emergency jumping jacks to get them, my knees and back,  ready then off I go.

***


You know what is really good to do after doing limbo, stairs! A couple is fine of course and they get the heart rate up too, but okay this amount Is crazy stupid. There is like more than twelve of them! Oh the life of a monkey girl, back of hand to forehead. If I must, I must.


***

"Hey, they weren't that hard," I say looking back down from the top. These ancient form of escalators aren't half bad.  My tail sways back and forth for a moment then taps me on the shoulder as I stand there proudly at the tops of the stairs. Having mastered them, wachaa!

"Yes?" I ask as I turn my attention to my tail. It motions for me to look that way and when I do my jaw drops and hits the ground. THUMP! Ow! More? Why is there more? "Fine....." I say as I walk up the new set of steps. "Ha ha!" I announce defiantly as I spin around at the top of the stairs. My tail signals me again and I slowly look, my shoulders dropping when I see the next set of stairs. "Maybe I can just adventure..." My tail stops me before I can continue,"Yeah I know. Let's go."

I can tell you about every step that I took, every flight thinking it would be my last. But it would just be boring and really I lived through it once and that was enough. Yes there was that one step which had a crack on it that looked like Richard Nixon and there was that one flight of stairs that had a lemonade stand at the top of it. But do you really want to hear about those? Just shake your head, that is what I thought.

Up I climbed, losing count on the number of flights my feet touched, more than I can count using my fingers and toes I tell you. I can imagine the interior designer for the ruins thinking it would be 'cool' and 'cutting edge' to have all the stairs connected but my feet and back beg to differ. One of them even mentioned that if they ever saw the designer they would kick him in the balls. But that is just delirious ‘oh my monkey there is a ton more than a lot of stairs’ talk.

After a while the stairs started getting to me and several times I thought it was some cruel sick joke and that somehow I have been on a stair step machine the whole time, even stopping for a moment to see if I would keep moving. Nope, not a stair step machine just a deranged interior designer.

At the top, yes I finally reached it! Thank monkey and I would have jumped up and down but my legs were on autopilot so I stumbled and fell instead. I found that the warm hard stone floor felt good on my face and the hot breeze blowing from somewhere caused me to shiver but it didn't matter. Slowly I roll over and raised both of my arms up into the air, hands coming together to form the power sign of "T". "Calling a timeout here ref." I announce before letting my arms drop back on top of me, my whole body yawning.


((Yawn... See what monkey girls dream of and it isn’t sheep either next Monkey post.))

[Catherine]

"Wake up girlie!"

"What'sa?" I reply, eyes still closed doing the whole waking up mouth thing. Thinking it was just some type of dream I just roll over and zzzzzzzz........ Something nudges me in the darkness and I hear a rough "I said wake up girlie."

I turn over and sleepily open my eyes to see... Suddenly the 'Oh my god, what is that!' reaction kicks in and instantly I eep and move several feet away. Okay I should explain what an 'eep move' is for those who don't know. An 'eep move' happens when something startles you and you suddenly  find yourself feet away probably after saying "Eep!" and in a position where you can run away if it doesn't have the purest intent, example; it has a sharp object in its hand and a look in its eyes that says I will poke you with this over and over.

Back against the wall and now fully awake, I find myself staring at something scaly, ugly and wearing headphones? Oh and small, I forgot about small. The ugly part sort of well overwhelmed the whole size thing. It was about this tall.

I watched as ugly thing's tongue curled out for just a moment before it shifted the cigar, that it had in its mouth, from one side to the other, "What's your problem, have ya never seen a gilly before?"

"A gilly?" I answer, seriously considering pulling out the staff and poking the ugly thing.

"Yeah, a gilla monster," the ugly thing responded.

"Um, yeah on TV and everything but they weren't you know."

"What?" the gilla monster asked.

"Doing the whole walking on two legs thing and talking," I answer.

The ugly thing spits something that hisses when it hits the ground, "Yah, we try to keep that on the low. What's your name?"

"Well...."

"Spit it out so I don't have to keep calling you girl," the ugly thing said pointing the cigar at me.

"I am Nichole Anne Marie Smith, some call me 'Monkey' and you are?"

"Well Monkey," the ugly thing says, pausing for a moment to let out a rough chuckle," you can call me Stephen if you like, even if you don't like either."

"It is a pleasure to me you, Stephen."

"Like wise," Stephen answered as he turned around and started to walk away, "so what brings you to this little slice of hot?"

My legs scream, quietly scream though, as I stand. "Adventure," I answer, "and you?"

"Well," insert the sound of spitting here and something wet hitting the floor. "I was here to see a band here months ago, called Spinebreaker," Stephen stops and throws up the rock on hand sign, which is interesting to see since he didn't have enough fingers really."But things got mucked up, when their lead singer/guitarist disappeared. Concert cancelled and everyone got up and left. But I stayed, think she is still here."

I watch as Stephen steps to the edge of the window then just drops out of the view, "Geronimo......"

"Stephen!" I yell, running over to the window, hoping I can do something.


***

You sort of expect certain things, when you see a person just disappear out a window followed by you running up to it yelling their name. Things like them yelling "nooooooo...................." as they fall, realizing that the ground isn't too soft and it is going to hurt a lot.  Well I got the unexpected as you will see by the next paragraph, I know I just ruined it for you didn't I? You expected a splat, wanted it maybe but no you have been denied it or have you?


***

"Why are you bloody yelling my name for?" Stephen yelled back, sitting there several feet down on an old speaker, attached to the wall.

"Sorry, I thought you...."

Stephen tilted his head back to look directly at me, well up my nose I guess. Please let it be booger free. Smoke from his cigar tickling my nose as he started to talk, "I did what? Jump? Ha! Some would love me to do that, but I plan to be around for many years to come."

Stephen took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked the ashes off it and I watch as they flare up one last time as they fall towards the.... What is that?

Interest piqued I lean out and out and out. Full body all the way on my tippy toes and dangerously leaning way to far out.  My tail grunting as it tries to keep me from falling, "Hey I am not that heavy!" My tail has other thoughts as it turns red, straining to prevent the cute and adorable from falling. "I am not that heavy!!!"

I point down towards the 'What is that', curiosity slipping from my lips "Ooooooo, What is that?"


***

Stephen shifts the cigar to the other side of his mouth before he answers. "That is the Spinebreaker's stage, well what is left of it. When I said everyone left, I meant everyone and not everything. Everyone just left overnight leaving the stage. Not sure why though, maybe they think it is cursed after the disappearance." His  joints crack as he stands and walks to the edge of the speaker. "If you look really hard, you can see the outline of Dee's, the lead singer/guitarist speaker, right over there." Stephen said,  pointing to just left of the center of the stage. Where a faint outline can be seen, strangely not bleached away by the sun.

Still hanging there I turn my head to look at Stephen, "Did anyone see anything?"

"A bloke saw a couple white robes come from nowhere and take her. He said they scurried up here and disappeared. Must have been on something if he saw that,” Stephen says motioning down,"it is a sheer drop. How would they have climbed it?"

"White robe?"

Stephen dropped his hand and looked right into my eyes,"Yeah, why?" I swallowed before answering him I just saw one. "I followed one up here."

Stephen's eyes burned before a moment, bright as the cigar's embers as he stood there and stewed. "Up there," he pointed up to the room.

"Yeah."


***

"Maybe...." Stephen said as he started to climb up the cliff face and back into the room."You came from the left side and I was outside, so the white robe didn't go back or out my direction. Which leaves one way." Looking towards the other set of stairs leading down.

"I have only gone a flight or two down before weird stuff started to happen, hence the name." Stephen pointed towards the sign on the wall.

"Ruins of madness," I read out loud, "that doesn't sound too good. Almost like some weird amusement park ride too."

Stephen shot me a look of 'what the' before shaking his head. "Well, One of us should go down and see. Since you already tried and did the whole sick thing, I guess it should be me. Oh wow a rhyme that is a good sign, Be back in a little bit!" I say waving back at Stephen as I descend into madness or whatever is down the stairs. I look back at Stephen, "There isn't a lot of small figures singing a song over and over is there? I have an allergy to that." Stephen replies without words but with a look, one that looks  like shock or that says, 'how can someone be that stupid go down to a place called the ruins of madness.'  One of those, can't tell sometimes.

"Good, thank you,” I say giving Stephen a little smile and wave, "I get all itchy all over and didn't bring my allergy stuff." Before Stephen could say anything I turn and head to madness, oooooo scary.


((Ruins of madness... that doesn’t sound good does it? Find out next time....))

[Catherine]

I can tell you this, going down stairs is easier than going up them. A lot easier in fact. I wish they built all stairs so that you can just go down them. The world would be so Dali, going down to go up. My legs would complain a lot less.


***

Okay let's see Stephen said he could only make it down five flights before having to turn back. I wonder what happens there, yeah I have this tingling shooting through my body right now but that is just tingling. So nothing special. Oh, maybe a clown will jump out from a secret compartment down there. That is a good way to start out madness, clowns springing out from nowhere. What with their red noses that can honk, smiling on the outside but not on the inside thing and those big shoes. A bundle of mixed messages, so confusing to figure out sometimes.  Maybe the clown will juggle Swedish fish, fun fun. I can't wait. "I am coming..." I sing out hoping the clown will be ready in time.

Three flights down, followed by four flights down and... Need to act surprised when the clown pops out. Need to act surprised. Not give him the 'I guessed the surprise' look. Should  I practice the surprised look? No then it will look practiced and not spur of the moment. The clown deserves spur of the moment. I turn the corner  and nothing. No clown just another flight of stair, that look the same as the others.  So why couldn't Stephen get pass this flight of stairs then? Yes there is this tingling but eh.

There has to be something here that prevented Stephen from going further, I tell myself, where is the clown? I start to look around for anything off, primarily off colored stones in the wall . Why you ask, have you never seen a cartoon? Anything that moves is painted another 'off' color. Why the cartoon characters can't see that is beyond me. But hey, if it is done there, it can be done here. Ask yourself this, if you made a secret door wouldn't you lose it if it is painted the same color as everything else around it? Unless of course, you did something that make it stick out, duh!

I carefully check both sides of the corridor and for fun I check the floor and ceiling, everything looks the same. So the different color theory is out. What is next? Ah yes, tapping everything with my knuckles. If it is hollow it will sound different. I look around, a lot of stone which is hard and t would hurt after a while. I bring up my hands and look at my knuckles, it is time to decide . DoI want to bruise MY knuckles?  It would be easier if I had someone else's knuckles but there is a shortage there. Hmm...... I look down at my knuckles and the unbruised state they are in I decide to pass on it.

What next? Marks on other surfaces from the opening and closing. Those would be obvious and much easier on the knuckles too. Looking and no. Other than the message scratched deeply into the wall that says 'Pass this point and all will die!' and all of the claw marks around it, so nothing.

So no clowns, sad face. Well maybe he went to lunch. Questioning minds want to know, okay I want to know and since the break room wasn't up above that means only one thing.

"I am coming clown..."


***

No surprises on five and I was so expecting a clown popping out. So far the ruins of madness is more like the ruins of blah, I mean look stairs and stones, that is all! Nothing even hinting at madness or even starting with the letter 'M'. Someone seriously named this wrong, like they did Greenland and Iceland. Maybe they should have named it the ruins of descending stairs. Blah!

So yeah stairs, seen one and you have seen them all. I even tried to play games to pass the descent to the break room. I tried counting the stairs and got bored at two. I spy with my little eye something that starts with the letter 'S', stairs yay! I did learn that I can jump eight stairs the hard way, let's say that my tail is still aching.

The only thing that kept me entertained was the messages on the walls, floor and ceilings. I made it this far, watch out for ergh, the white robes use bleach and Eat at Joes; to name a few. For a moment I considered changing into a bouncing ball and bounce down the stairs but then when I hit bottom I would have to run back up to get my stuff. So even though it sounded fun, the going back  up part didn't.

So yes walking and walking and walking. I probably should fast forward through this so you don't get bored reader.

* Press fast forward *

Walking....Walking.....Walking....Let's see where I am at.

* Press play *

"No I don't want to buy any cookies." Nope.

* Press fast forward *

Walking....Walking.....Walking....I look funny walking fast. This part looks right and CLICK.


***

"Okay that was a lot of stairs and that little girl selling cookies was odd." I say reaching the bottom. Looking around I can see a hallway running to the right and left. What is the old saying, 'Left is right, unless you standing on one of the poles during a full eclipse on the vernal equinox or something.' Both look good and probably I will be exploring both, if not running with extreme speed as something chases me to the other.

"Hmmmm..... Hand show me the way," I point to the right and do the thumbs up thing. Being a experienced but not so experienced ruin explorer I do what comes natural. I pull on a piece of chalk,  yellow the color of direction. Kneeling down , I draw a arrow and a message 'Going this way'  before standing back up and feeling my jaw hit the floor.

How many times did I draw the pointer and the message, once wasn't it? How can there be one, two, three, four and so on number of messages. I can discount the ones pointing to the walls, since I can't walk though walls yet. Key word in that last sentence is 'Yet'.

Need to think....

((Madness in the madness part. Will madness overcome monkey and how many times can I say madness before everyone starts to scream. Find out in the next part or maybe none. mwhahaha....))

[Catherine]

Okay, I wrote once I thought and well... I look up and see that more 'Going this way' messages have appeared. All of them look exactly the same, color and style wise. I flip the chalk up in the air, swipe if out of the air and quickly tap it three times on the floor. "One....two and three," I say out loud confirming the amount of times I tapped the chalk to me and whatever was creeping about. Like that thing over there.


When I look back up again, I can see there are more than three chalk tappings. Way more in fact, they multiplied like rabbits. All over the place too. Well this is different, I think to myself. Time for another test. I curl up and cover my hand as I write another message. 'Let us see what happens with this!', I giggle to myself. Three....Two....One and look.

"Got you! You stupid walls, floors and ceilings!" I say, proudly pointing to my message that clearly wasn't copied. You couldn't write down what you couldn't see.

* Proud and defiant ninja stance with a ha ha thrown in *

"You didn't even get any of what I wrote down right! 'No we are not!' is not what I wrote. I wrote 'Walls, floors and ceilings are stupid."

The chalk goes flying, back into the bag of course, when realization hits me like a stack of bricks.... Yeah no, that would hurt a lot. Let's try cotton balls instead. Realization hits me like a pile of cotton balls. I like that, can we edit that first sentence and sort of blend the two. What? It isn't possible?

* Tongue comes out and raspberry blown. *

Nothing isn't impossible unless it is beyond infinitely hard. Which this isn't, just move the mouse, click and re type. There you go, not to hard now was it? CLICK! Back to the scene.


***

There I am with no wind blowing through my hair for a cool effect. Just me and walls, ceilings and floors that are written all over. How the writing is being done still stumps me. Strings? People dressed in black so they can't be seen? Gnomes? Spirits of graffiti artists of the past? What?!?

I start my investigation with a imaginary magnify glass in hand. Looking for any type of clue on what was causing the writing. Happy to report the intersection is string free and there are no tiny footprints. Did not run into any black suited people either.  Spirits of graffiti artists, did a session with a Ouija board. Got nothing there, just an evp that will be burned and its ashes scattered to somewhere else, dirty minded spirits.

So the only thing that can be done is just pick and go for it. Maybe throw something down one of the corridors and see what happens. But since this is the ruins of almost madness, I might get whapped in the back of the head with whatever I threw. Pass!

It will be a difficult decision to make, fifty fifty shot really in picking the correct one. Of course the roar, well growling actually, coming from what I think is the right hand corridor makes it easier. "Left it is!" I say heading down well, you sort of know which one now, the left corridor. Which looks corridory, which is a good sign.

***


I hear the growling again, echoing throughout the hallway as I walk. Whatever it is, is hungry by the tone of the growl which means this little monkey girl could be lunch if she isn't careful. So I do what any intelligent person would do, walk faster! I can feel my tail slowly fanning left to right, keeping its eyes open for anything coming up from behind, since it likes my butt and doesn't want anything to happen to said butt. Especially of the chewing and digesting type. That would be uncomfortable for the both of us really.

You know It is a gut reaction to turn around when you hear something growl. Why I am not sure, I would think running would be better and maybe swerving right to left too. But I fall to peer pressure and turn around to see what is growling. Hallway! The hallway is growling at me? That isn't good, especially since I can picture myself unknowingly walking down some giant worm's throat and it isn't pretty. 

*shiver*

I hear it again and I turn, why I don't know maybe I was hoping that I would see something but nada. Maybe the growling thing is invisible. That would be better than walking down some giant worm's throat. But ick! Again with the picturing thing and one of those invisible men models. You know the ones, where you can see everything inside, now with see what is in the stomach stuff. Another poor adventurer or other inhabitant of the ruins would turn around a corner and see me squeezed into a little goober shape. Which I don't want to be shaped as, I like my shape!

There it is again, the growl! It sounded close. Like right on top of me close! Quickly I assume battle stance and look up with the standard don't get anything in my eyes pose. Nothing but ceiling.

"Something is playing with me," I mumble, looking around for the source of the growling.


((What is the source of the mysterious growling. Is the monster hiding behind a garden gnome or that kitten right over there *point* find out next Monkey time.))

[Catherine]

Suddenly my tummy quivers, is it sensing a competitor for food? The growling is louder now, so loud I can feel it in my tummy. My tummy must be scared because it knows the other tummy is bigger? GROWL..... I prepare for instant chewing. GROWL!!!! It sounds like it is right below my chin, it must be swallowing me whole!

I know it us stupid but my interest in piqued, I have to see the lips of the the thing that will chew me. Are they chapped? I look down and see nothing but my quivering tummy. Where is the growling thing? My tummy responds with a growl.

So it was... But it sounded like... Is it a ventriloquist and threw its growl?

Growwwwlllll!

"Yes, I know it is you now"

Growl! Growl!

"You are hungry?"

Groooowl!

"Okay I didn't bring anything to eat."

Grrrroowwll! Growl!

"What we are in the middle of ruins there won't be a fast food restaurant."

Growl! Grrrooowwwllll! Growl!

"Find something, like what? Rubble?"

Growl! Growl! Growl! Growl!

"Eat what? That thing over there, what thing?"

GROWL! GROWL! GROWL!

"Okay, Okay. You don't have to yell. This is going to be sick and probably not taste like chicken, no matter what people say."


***

I watch whatever it is, skittering down the hallway, its shell an iridescent green. Antenna wiggling as it moves. If I had to guess it is about two fists in size if not larger, so yeah big. It does not look yummy or close to appetizing, definitely does not look like it will taste like chicken. Unless a chicken has a carapace, six legs and antenna. "Are you sure?" I ask looking at my tummy.

Grumble! Grumble!

"Okay..." My shoulders drooping as I walk over to the beetle. I watch as it stops for a moment and looks up at me then beats little shelled feet. My stomach growls as I reach for it and the beetle does the unexpected. It turns and throws itself at me. What the?!?  I throw my hands up, either to catch it or to block it from latching on my face. Thankfully it chooses not to latch on and instead it goes hurdling over my head, hits the ground and takes off.

Gruuuumble!

"I know," I tell my tummy before taking off after the beetle,"Get back here!" For something small it is fast, little legs are a blur. I dive for it and it pops straight up at the last moment and like a player sliding into home base, I slide into the wall. UMPH! Quickly I turn around and I can see the beetle lowering its head, almost like it is going to charge.

"What are you going to do, stub my toe?" I say laughing. Yeah the beetle didn't do what I expected, I expected a rush charge not a jump towards my face with everything attack. I should have really, but hey this is the ruins of madness, something got in my eye.

So yeah… Moments later I am eating beetle shell and no it doesn't taste like chicken either. Queue the slow motion scene; the beetle slowly zeroing onto my face, the look of surprise of the cute and adorable monkey girl as she says "No.............................", impact of face and exaggerated facial expression and monkey girl goes flying backwards onto her properly padded butt. UMPH!!!! Now back to regular speed.

Growl! Groooooowwwwllllll!

"Yes, I know", I say wiping my face as I sit up. Quickly I scan the corridor and can see the beetle standing there. It turns, raises its rear and shakes it at me before it starts to walk away. "Why you cocky little dung beetle!" Okay, I hope the beetle doesn't taste like or has touched dung, if it did, I hope it washed its hands or whatever it has.

GROWL!

Quickly I get up and lunge for the beetle, "Gotcha!" Hands touch shell and lift off ground. I can feel the beetle's legs going a mile a minute as I stand up and spin it around. I am not going to start at the butt!

The beetle looks at me with big puppy dog eyes, well as good as it can give them with the ones the beetle has. In that moment, I can feel my heart strings being pulled and I start to put the little guy or girl down, not sure how to tell the differences with bugs.

GROWL! GROWL!

I tilt the beetle forward and touch it to my forehead, closing my eyes for a moment. Silent words pass from my lips and fade to black. Do you really need to know that I ate the poor thing.

Growl!

((PTOW. PTOW. You know what is disgusting? Munching beetles blargh! Tune in next time so I wipe my tongue.))

[Catherine]

*Ninja art of the moist towelette*

Standing there I wipe my fingers off, think buffalo wings but a lot messier when you think about beetles, and I see a garbage can over in the corner. You know it is good practice to clean up after yourself when you are done, because once a ruin gets messy it is hard to get cleaned again. After I throw my stuff away, I turn and look where I came from and to where I am going. "I think....", pausing for a minute as my tail sways from side to side then points down the hallway, "ah yes that way."

I sling my bag over my shoulders, do a little stretch before heading down the corridor. No weird messages on the wall about turning back or for a good time call so and so, whoever so and so is. I could test it though, write a quick message and see if they are all over when I look up. So tempted to try but I should pass. Don't need to leave word litter behind since it would let others know where I have been and really the decor of the ruins does not scream words all over. Also I don't need the interior designer mad at me either, swearing vengeance for desecrating their work.


***


So walking is good. Down the hallway and around a corner. Carefully stepping over some rubble, that would have been a good place for a trap too. Step over and spear up the whohah, instant monkey girl on a stick. Glad someone forgot to put one there come to think about it.

Some more hallway and look something strange not seen too often intact in ruins. A door! The lunchroom maybe, curious monkey monkey girls want to know.

***

I could throw open the door and surprise everyone on the other side. WHAM! Surprise!!! Then watch them piddle their pants right before unloading whatever painful thing they have onto me. Yes the first part sounds funny but the second not so much. So pass. I could.... I take off my imaginary felt fedora and slip on my imaginary spy glasses and do spy smile with the twinkle and finger point.

Do I have a pen that fires missles? No! Do I have a belt that extends out to like fifty feet? No! I am not that fat either! X-ray glasses that I can see through things? *blush* No because I would see people's you know.... So no! What do I have then? My cuteness, my adorability and my tail. Deadly weapons in the right hands, my hands mwahahaha!

I crouch down against the door as my tail slips under it  to do some recon. It flips through night vision, ultralight vision and a couple more visions before sliding back out.  "Nothing?" I whisper and my tail nods,"Good!"

Quietly i stand and try the doorknob, locked!  Why would anyone lock a door in a ruin for, it is not like anyone would break in and steal rubble!  Spy-like, I slowly nod my head, wink and do the finger point. It looks like a standard twelve pin lock, no problem for a spy.

Hmm....What would my favorite spy do? Charm the lock so it opens by itself willing probably. Queue the inner voice imitating the masculine spy voice. "My you are a beautiful lock. Why don't you and I go somewhere quiet and I can show you my 'key'."

* mental wink

"I will press your tumblers just right, you will click like you have never clicked before," End inner voice imitating the masculine spy voice.

Come to think of it, I have never seen him pick a lock. He either charms it, shots it or blows it up. None of which I can or will do. Me and explosives, I will have to tell you the story about me and a handful of bottle rockets once. Poor ninja, he was never the same after that. Moment of silence.

That leaves credit carding the door or picking it. Forgot my plastic but hey I can borrow a reader's card. I am sure they wouldn't like to read how their card was mutilated right after I buy somethings, kidding I wouldn't do that. So that leaves picking the lock.


***

"Let's see," I say as I rub my chin while examining the lock. Yeah that is the one I would pick. So it should just..... Nope, it didn't work. Have to do it old school style.

Looking around the nearby rubble, I find rubble, which wouldn't work for picking licks. You can pick up a brick and try to pick a lock with it. Not going to work other than making a lot of noise and breaking the door knob. Which.......nah.

Garbage can then. Old beetle parts, which didn't taste like chicken when eaten, a styrofoam cup, some rubble, a couple speeding tickets and a piece of wire. Keep the tickets for latter as a just in case and take the wire, the rest is garbage.


***

Using my spy knowledge, I fashion a crude but serviceable lock pick with Bluetooth capabilities. Slowly I insert the pick into the lock. CLICK! Tumbler one. Push and twist. CLICK! Tumbler two. Wiggle properly padded butt. Tumbler four. Tail bob. Tumbler five. Wink. Tumbler six. Push. Tumbler seven. "Come on!". Tumbler eight. Twist and shake. Tumbler nine. Tongue out. Tumbler ten. Rattle knob. Tumbler eleven. Shift foot. Tumbler twelve. Twist knob and CLICK!

* stealth spy oh yeah *

Spy like, I shift to the side of the doorway, whoops wrong side. Ok shift to other side,  fix imaginary tie and cufflinks. Take a breath and push door open. Ccccccrrrrrreeeeeaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkk.


((What is behind door number one of well one.... well around here at least. Find out next time.))

[Catherine]

Okay doors in ruins need some oil or something, especially if they all creak like that. It sent shivers through my tail and up my back. For just good measures I shiver again a little at just the thought of the creak. See a shiver,

Quickly, spy quickly I scan the room to make a quick assessment of what is here. Table, chairs, garbage can, picture on wall, microwave, sink, coffee maker, calendar on wall that shows the wrong month, several take out menus and a half eaten thing of lime flavored jello. I can tell you what I think but it is obvious really, so I will not say anything

I flip through the take out menus to see if I can gather more information, flip flu flip. Okay someone likes Chinese. Flip flip flip. Also sub sandwiches. Flip flip flip. Definitely Chinese.

Hmmmm..... I scan the room again, nothing. Nothing says clown. No makeup. No shoes of larger and large size. No seltzer bottles either. Isn't it Union rules that every clown has a seltzer bottle?

***


"Ok, I need to find out info. Time for something new," I walk up to the table, sit down.

* good cop / bad cop technique"

I relax the muscles in my back. The room goes quiet. "So.....table I can see you like lime jello, tell me everything you know or...." I feel back and throw my head against the table, stars start to appear instantly. "That! Tell me now!"

Head goes boom on the table again, rattling the lime jello container and making the spoon jump and not with joy. The stars that are swirling around my head are nice and crisp, compared to everything else being blurry. Oh pretty.,.. "Tell me table, What do you know?" I pull my head back for one last try, "Forget it, you are of stronger resolve."

I stumble a little as I stand up, my head swimming in a massive headache and through a daze I can see a impression of a forehead in the table. Should I sign it, I ask myself, nah. "Nos clownsh here tail," I say with a sweep of a hand, "let'sh go..."

Stumbling out the door, I point one way "Thish way..." and my tail points the other. "What's? It is that way instead?" My tail nods and I trust that it is telling me the truth, "Ok we will go that way," A small smile forming as I reach into my bag and take out a small package of aspirin. Quickly running through the be carefuls, don't operates and the extra  sheet of side effects.  "Do not operate nuclear weapons while under the influence, "  questionably I flip the package over to see if it is a joke, "Am I being punk'd?" No it is your standard type aspirin, nothing special like 'Jimmy's aspirins of I will make you feel really good' or anything like that. When I rip the package open I swear I hear a little ghostly "ahhh........"  in the air. Ok strange but it is better than a scream so I will take it.

PLOP. PLOP. Goes the aspirins in the mouth, followed by some water and ah..... Feeling better already. Time to get back to adventuring and can't be that while I am I spy mode, so I remove my imaginary sunglasses which weren't cracked while interrogating the table and put on the imaginary felt fedora. It feels good to be adventuring again.


***

"Let's go," I tell my tail as I start to head down the corridor. Everything looks good in a ruins sort of way. The dust is shining and the rats are squeaking. The skeleton under the rubble over there looks like it is comfortable. After I while I find myself skipping a little bit as I walk, even humming too. Adventurer smiles from the soul. Happy happy.

Then CLICK and I freeze. Looking down I can see that I my foot has found a switch, bad foot you should have watched where you were going.  Like a statue I just stand there. Sweat, no let me change that since girls don't sweat we glisten, glisten drips off of me as I stand there and think. Um...........


((Clicks Are never good. They usually lead to things that do explody things. Find out why not Monkey time.))

[Catherine]

Um....... Where did the pigeons come from? Yes I am standing there like a statue, but still not a statue. If they leave their marks on me there will be a couple less pigeons in the world. "Shoo....shoo..." I say blowing at the pigeons, trying to scare them off, all they do is give me the look. That sideways glance that says we have better things than you to worry about so speak to the tail feather. Grrrrr...........

I turn my attention back to what is important, the click. It definitely was a trap click and not one that says "Hi, welcome to this corridor." I am not a pin cushion yet so not a dart trap, not falling either so that nixes a pit. No growling or hissing so no animals were released and thank god no shotgun fungus. That leaves the crushing, smash smash type trap. Let's see if I can find it, time to play "Where is the crushies?"


***

Looking around the corridor, I am not really seeing anything. No flattened impressions on the ground or squish marks. What else? The ceiling looks like it is solid, so nothing dropping from above. There could be one from below, "okay the ceiling is approaching fast," type thing. But I am not seeing any impressions on the ceiling either.

Hmmm...... Maybe the switch is the trigger, duh. But the trap might not reveal itself until I step off and will be active until it tastes blood. Not good for me but then I feel something or somethings.....

*Boink!* Idea and it takes care of two birds with one stone, literally!

I give the pigeons a sideways glance, "I blew at you and everything now.... " Like a greased monkey I grab the pigeons in my hands, their little eyes bulging out I surprise. "Sorry about this...." I say as I jump backwards and throw the pigeons down the corridor . I watch as they wave at me and it pulls a tear. Sorry, I mouth back right before SMASH! Didn't think about crushing walls. Interesting.

The walls do their job, smashing and flattening the pigeons into pigeon pancakes. Which don't taste good with syrup, no matter how much syrup you use. I pause for a moment, close my eyes and clap my hands together as I say a silent prayer for the pigeons,  a flat feather floats to the floor as I do.

Carefully I step around the switch, don't need to step on that again. What is that saying again? Step on a trap and be flat. I will be careful and click! Ha ha just kidding, that time. Honestly if an interior designer did that, something is wrong with them.  Quickly and carefully I run past the walls of crushing and flattening to more corridor and hopefully something more.


***

I turn a couple corners, which there seems to be a lot of those here and an intersection or four. When I see something odd, well more odd than the crazy amount of spider webs that are all around and I have ran through a lot it feels. Phpft....Phpft..Phpft... After eating my thirtieth web, which does not taste like chicken, I hear stone scratching stone and I stop before taking the adventurer pose of 'what the and I better be ready for anything.' Looking around I can see webs and more webs, then about five feet away I see the source of the scratching sound. Taking a step back, I watch as a large stone about this tall and this wide, is slowly pushing its way out from the wall itself. Well this is the ruins of madness, queue the dramatic lightening and thunder sound effect, so I guess anything can happen really..

Curious, I stand there as the stone pushes itself further and further out, eventually  working its way free of the wall. You can do it little guy, I silently cheer as I stand there and watch.Maybe this is how rubble mates, I would be the first to see it in person. Should I put on some proper mood music and everything? Nah…

The stone makes it about this distance away from the wall and just stops, the poor guy is tired. Okay is it a guy or a girl stone? How can you tell? Don't tell me!  I already have the sound of two stones rubbing together while they are making sweet love, running between my ears and I think that is more than I wanted to imagine.

* Mental urp! *


***

Suddenly two small thick hands appear and grab the top of the stone. Ok? Followed by pink snout and dirty gray fur as something puts itself out from behind the stone.  I can see its whiskers dance as it twitches its nose, its head turning from side to side as if it is looking around. A mole?

I take a cautious step forward and watch as one of its hands disappears for a moment, if it pulls out a gun I am screwed! Really how good of a shot could it be anyways? Hello can't see too good.  Of course, I could be surprised too and I don't want that kind of surprise. What do you have in your hand? BANG! Monkey girl angel time, I will pass on that. Remember allergy to bullets.

The mole's hand slowly reappears holding a big fat worm. It (the mole) leans its head to the side as it sucks the worm in like spaghetti and starts to chew. Urp! It doesn't even swallow as it begins to talk, worm goo dripping from its mouth, "I can smell yah, announce yourself."

Talking mole? Why not, might be a friend of Stephen's. "Uhh......." I begin to say loudly.

"Uh... Huh?" the mole replied as he started to dust himself off, "Interesting name. Did your parents hate you?"

"What? No. No. You know ruins of madness and everything. My name is Nichole Anne Marie Smith, my friends call me monkey." I answer as I shake my head.

"Monkey? Don't tell me your throw your shyat when you get excited."

My jaw drops hearing the mole, "No and ick. It is because of this," I say pointing to my tail, forgetting something important.

The mole turns its head as if to look at me, "Because of???"

I grab my tail, bring it around and start shaking it at the mole, "Tail, my tail!"

"I see no tail," the mole smiled, looking in my general direction as it twiddled its fingers on the stone.

Frustrated I stamp a foot, "It's right," then realization dawns brightly, like a little sun right before I am about to yell, "never mind." Dropping my tail, I give the mole a little smile, "So what is your name?"

The mole does the whole spit thing on the floor before he answers, "My name is Reginald, no last name just Reginald  and my friend is..." Quickly  Reginald disappeared behind the stone and into the opening, humming as he went.


((Who is Reginald’s friend? I know you want to know but you have to wait until next time. Dramatic pause kind of sort of.))

[Catherine]

Curious, I took another step forward to look into the hole. Jumping a little when a large round glass fish bowl appeared and plopped down onto the stone. Other that the plastic castle inside and some rocks it was empty. What the? Reginald looked up and wrapped one of his hands around the bowl. "This is my friend 'Tarter', he has been quiet lately but we had a fight the other day and he is holding his breath."

"Okay?" I say looking down at the bowl and back at Reginald. Doesn't he know?

"Tarter and myself have been together for a while now. Haven't we Tarter?" Reginald pauses, waiting for something. "Still playing silent, I told you it wasn't my fault. I got you water, just an honest mistake."

"Uh......"


***

Reginald turned to face me, tilting his head back to look up, "What is with you and Uh?"

"It's well..." I answer, trying to think of something safe to say, I don't want to hurt Reginald.

"Speak up. I can't read lips."

I laugh to myself, "I know, it's that," lifting my hand I point to the fish bowl, "the fish bowl is empty."

"What?" Reginald said cocking a brow, which is weird since I didn't think he had any, then looked at the fish bowl,"Tartar?"

"Sorry, but there is nothing in there Reginald."

Reginald looked at me and then back to the bowl, "He was in there." I watch sadly as he reached out with a hand and lightly pressed it against the bowl,"I remember, when we stopped for a spot of tea. He was in there."

I wipe a tear from my eyes before putting a hand on one of Reginald's shoulders to console him , "All I see is gravel and a plastic castle Reginald. What did Tartar look like?" Of course as soon as I asked, I realized something and my hand went to my mouth trying to block the words before they could escape, but they just slipped between my fingers, "Sorry..."

For a moment Reginald looked up from the bowl, "Why?"

My hands drop away from my mouth and I start to wring them as I try to think. "The whole, what did Tartar look like thing,"

Reginald chuckled for a moment, which sounded oddly like mud,"There is no need to apologize Nichole. You did not say anything wrong."

"But.... I well....."

"But, I well nothing. You didn't say a single wrong thing. I couldn't see Tartar to well, like I can't see you too well either. Hey that is the life of a mole though, I have come to accept that. Not being able to see yellow, a cloud, Tartar or you. But I know what everything looks like in here," he says tapping the area above his heart with a couple fingers,"that is what matters."

Slowly Reginald turned back to the bowl and thought for a moment, "Tartar was about this big," he said motioning with his fingers,"his back fin had a notch missing from it. His left eye wandered too, I think. Not really sure about that because of well you know," pausing to motion with a hand towards his eyes.

"When did you see him last?"

"When we stopped for a spot of tea," Reginald answered, pulling out a pocket watch from nowhere. I watched as he traced the outside of the watch with a finger before drawing it in towards the center to find the hands. Hmmm....."

I lean a little  closer to see what was so interesting, "What?"

"If my fingers are right, it hasn't been too long since the spot of tea," Reginald answered, dropping his hand as he turned to look at the hole.

"How long?" I ask looking from Reginald to the hole and back again.

Mole slow, Reginald lifted his hand a pointed one finger as he bobbed his hand up and like he was doing math in the air. "It seems it might have been no more than ten minutes ago."

"Ten minutes!" Quickly I rush over to the hole and thrust a hand in, searching around for something fishy. Squirmy yes but wormy. Hard and Stoney. Scaly with legs, no! I really don't want to know what you are. Be careful hand, no surprises that would create a painful "Oh my monkey, get off my finger" moment. Okay I hope this is a root and this is a rock, not some critter's teeth. Squishy and scaly. Hard and hard. Wait a moment let's go back to the previous thing, the squishy and scaly thing.  Feel, feel and feel. Feels like a fish or a small scaly gnome. Let's go for it!

I catch a glimpse of a blue lipped fish, gasping for air as I yank the squishy and scaly thing out.

"Reginald, I found Tartar!" I yell as I wave my hand around triumphantly, Tartar smacking against either side of my hand for a moment. Oops! Quickly I run to the bowl and toss Tartar in, nothing. Still blue lipped. What is Tartar missing? Thinking, thinking and thinking. "Oh jeez," quickly I reach into my bag and pull out a bottle of water, ripping it open with my teeth, Ow and hastily pour  the water into the bowl. For a moment nothing happens then Tartar starts to float to the  top.

***

I shoot Reginald a worried look, hoping he isn't seeing the reverse belly flop thing happening. How am I going to explain it to him, I ask myself.’Hey yeah about Tartar, he is sort of swimming with the fishes now’  or maybe ‘Yeah, Tartar is saying he wants to be flushed.’ Glisten starts to form on my brow as I stand there, hoping and wishing that Tartar would finally flip upright and give us a smile. Come on....Come on....

"Something wrong?" Reginald asks after looking at the bowl.

I look towards the bowl hoping for another answer, other than the apparent one and I hear a "Yeah um..." Coming from my mouth. If I could, I would have my mouth take a timeout, but sometimes it just likes saying things without thinking.

"There is the um again," Reginald says looking at the bowl, "What is the cause of the um, is Tartar looking funny or something?"

Come on Tartar, I silently tell myself as glisten drips off of me. "It's that uh...uh it looks like Tartar is tired. Yeah that is it tired!" The banana gods are going to strike me down for that. "He has been through a lot you know."

Reginald looks up at me and back to the bowl, then slowly begins to nod, "I agree he has gone through a lot." Carefully Reginald raises a hand and with one finger touches Tartar floating in the bowl. "Rest now my friend, you deserve it."

Oh my monkey, this is going to crush Reginald when I tell him. I can feel tears forming as I stand there, their wetness moistening my skin as they roll down my cheek. I should just get it done. Like a bandaid. "Um....Reginald I need to tell you something it is about Tartar."

"What about him?"

I look down for a moment to try and find the right words, bad ones would suck at the moment. "Well he is...."


***

* BLURP!  POP!*

What the? Blurp and pop? Quickly I look up to see Tartar right side up, giving Reginald the thumbs up, well the fins up a'ok sign. "Oh nothing, he looks like he is awake now."

"Oh good, that means it is tea time. Care to join us?"

"Sure," I answer back, adventure can wait.

Reginald smiled, "Great let me get it ready." Then quickly disappeared behind the stone. Where I could hear glasses doing the glass sound and other tea things.

"It will be a moment or four longer," Reginald yelled out, "Why don't you two talk."

"Ok," I reply before walking up to the stone and sitting down, cross legged so my tail can freely move behind me.

"Hi I am Nichole Anne Marie Smith, it is a pleasure to meet you."

*BLURP!*

"Blurp, to you too," I say with a smile, happy that a Tartar is alive.

*Blurp*

"Yeah, it was a close call. Another moment and you would have been fish sticks. Oops  sorry."

*Blurp*

"Yeah bad joke, I know, sorry again. So it sounds like you and Reginald are really good friends."

*Blurp*

"So where did you two meet. I mean fish and moles aren't usually found near each other, The whole water and ground thing."

*Blurp*

"Really?  I would have never imagined at a carnival. On a ride?"

*Blurp*

"Oops yeah sorry. Water and rides don't mix, I wasn't thinking there. A couple good splashes and well no more water. So where? Don't tell me you were the fortune teller, put your hands on my bowl and I will tell you your future."

*Blurp*

"You dated the fortune teller, you sly beta you."

*Blurp*

"What? She actually could tell you that?"

*Blurp*

"That takes the fun out of things doesn't it?"

*Blurp*

"Yeah I guess. So how did you and Reginald meet?"

*Blurp*

"Really? You didn't mind the ping pong balls?"

*Blurp*

"Ah that makes sense, you and the others would kick the balls around when you were bored."

*Blurp*

"You thought you were better than what futbol team?"

*Blurp*

"Really?  You even challenged them too, wow."

*Blurp*

"They chickened out, okay..."

*Blurp*

"I said I believed you."

*Blurp*

"So basically he won you."

*Blurp*

"I didn't mean it that way, I can tell you and he are good friends. Which is good."

*Blurp*

"Yeah, I can see that now,"

*Blurp*

"I guess you wouldn't. It looks like Reginald is almost ready."

*Blurp*

"You like it with two sugars, I will tell him but I am sure he knows."

*Blurp*

"He is? Okay I will remind him then."

*Blurp*

"Oh thanks for the tip. I don't like those cookies either."

*Blurp*

"Never tried rose before, I will have too."

*Blurp*

"They do sound delicious,"

*Blurp*

"Yeah I guess you do have to watch out how many of them you eat "

*Blurp*

"Really? I will need to watch it then," I sat as Reginald appears with several teacups, hot water and various other things.

"Oops it looks like it is ready it was since talking with you."

*Blurp*

"Thank you and you to Tarter. "


*Blurp*


((Blurp))

[Catherine]

Up popped up Reginald from the other side of the stone, a whistling sound slowly getting louder and louder as he set up saucers and cups. "It will be just a while longer for the water to heat up. Have you been to a tea party before Nichole?"

"No I can't say I have," I answered looking at the tea cup and saucer sitting in front of me. They looked like they were made of china, which is kind of surprising really if you think about it, with a fine vine work painted on them.

I heard Reginald clear his throat, drawing my attention away from the cup and saucer, looking up at him I could see he had one of his hands close and to his mouth, trying to be formal maybe.

"Honestly, I think the idea of relaxing for a spot of tea is slowly going the way of the dodo. No one has the time I think, I remember there was that rabbit once," Reginald paused to think for a moment before he continued to speak,"he carried a pocket watch, always complaining about being late." Slowly Reginald raised a finger, "He needed a spot of tea, so stressed."

"Look at the setting Nichole; cups, saucers, napkins and ... where is my manners?"

I watch as Reginald shook his head and quickly disappeared behind the stone again for a moment. In a blink of an eye, he was back with a little tray of food and a teapot full of water with a cloth on it. Putting it down, Reginald nodded and smiled a little. "That is much better now, I can't believe I almost forgot something to nibble on as we drink tea. There are various scones and small sandwiches, with the crust cut off of them since Tartar always wants the crust."

*Blurp*

"See, he is already laying claim to the crust."

*Blurp*

Reginald rolled his eyes a little before replying to Tartar on his last blurp,"yes lightly toasted too."

*Blurp*

"You are welcome. Now where was I? Oh yeah, look at everything. Everything is here for a reason and that reason is to take a moment away from life and relax. Enjoy the moment and not to rush through it. Think about this, if you drink the tea right out of the teapot you will burn your mouth." Pausing for a moment to motion to the tea pot sitting there," If you rush through what you can eat, you will not have anything for later or miss what every bite offers."

I nod a little, seeing what Reginald is trying to explain,"But it is just tea and snacks."

"Oh it is so much more than that Nichole, it is a experience. Look at the cups, you can not rush with those. They are delicate and whisper to you, stick your pinky up when you drink tea." Reginald said as he picked up the cup in front of him, his picky automatically flipping out as he did,"See?"

"Yes..." I answered as I picked up my cup and for some odd reason my picky flipped out. No matter what I did I couldn't bring my pinky back in until I put the cup down. "Okay' why?"

"Why what," Reginald asked back.

"Why the whole pinky thing. I couldn't bend it back in."

Reginald laughed once before replying,"No one knows really, it is just happens when you are having a proper spot of tea. It never happens when coffee or a latte. Just tea. Some say it is the tea itself telling you to do that in someway, but no one knows, I have seen it happen to a blindfolded person too, they only did it with the cup of tea and nothing else."

"That is strange...." I reply looking at the cup and the little tea bag sitting inside.

"It is indeed, but it is something that comes with a proper tea. As you can see we have to use bags instead of tea leaves but they have been approved for proper tea drinking."

"Okay?" I reply giving Reginald a little look of what the.

"Are you ready Nichole,"

"Yes," I answered, still thinking it was just tea and snack.

With a grace that I haven't seen in Reginald before, he picked up the teapot and offered it to me.

"Thank you," I say bowing my head.

"You are very much welcome Nichole," Reginald replied as he poured some hot water in my tea cup followed by his and Tartar's. Carefully he put the teapot down and closed his eyes, don't ask me how I know, thinking for a moment before speaking. "It is good to start a tea party with happy thoughts."

I nod, closing my eyes. Pleasant thoughts fill my mind as I lift the tea cup, the porcelain warming in my hands as i bring it closer to my mouth. I can smell the hint of mint teasing my senses, both relaxing and soothing. Without even thinking a smile starts to form.

"See you can't rush that now can you?"

"No..." I answer Reginald, inhaling again before opening my eyes.

I could see Reginald sitting there with his cup and Tartar with his. I was wondering how a fish would enjoy a cup of tea, maybe it would swim in the tea cup? Dip the tea bag into the bowl? Maybe Tartar just stares at the tea cup and imagines. Or maybe some reverse snorkel action? Well I had the answer right in front of me and it was interesting, never would of have imagined it to be honest. But wow, I mean should try to explain it but wow. Don't know where to start, you see he was ...... and he was....then he had his...and that is how Tartar was drinking tea. I know someone is reading these words and if you can watch a fish drink tea, do it, it will change everything.

We talked, sipped and snacked for hours. Like Reginald said,you can't rush a proper tea party. The eatables were delicious, the cucumber sauce was mouth watering and the little chocolate cakes eeeeeeee. Like little pieces of heaven in the mouth. I know I was just fooling myself, but I swore I heard angels scream and cry as I chewed a piece. In a scale from one to ten, ten being this is the most delicious thing anyone ever tasted. It would be like double that. A tear rolled down my cheek with the first bite. That is how good. Unless the piece of cake tried to spit in my eye right before I ate it, which could have happened but I doubt it. Cakes can't spit, if they could, birthdays would be a lot wetter. Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday dear and the sound of spitting fills the air. You can sing that if you like to dear reader it actually works, don't ask how though. Monkey girl word of honor. Tail isn't crossed either.

But yeah, tea party relaxing. It ended up that Tartar is a nuclear physicist, who would have thought. Man of few words, well one word and being wow smart. Quite witty and funny too. He told me one joke that had me rolling, let's see "Two goldfish walk into a bar. The bartender asks them what they would like to drink. One says Blurp and the other replies Blurp." Isn't that the funniest? I nearly fell off my crossed legs. Blurp!

Like all good tea parties, this one came to an end before the dormouse fell asleep or woke up.  Whatever opposite of what he was doing before he was doing the opposite that he was doing at that moment. I helped Reginald pack up and we said our goodbyes, until the next tea party. I kissed both of them on the forehead before starting my adventure again and running into some cobwebs. Phpft Phpft Phpft, Do they always have to stick them at face level?

***

For a moment I stop, one to pick the spiderwebs out of my mouth, someone really needs to dust this section of the ruins. Two to wave goodbye to Reginald and Tartar. I lift my hand after brushing the webs out of my face and wiggle the tips of my fingers as I wave goodbye. Something inside of me smiles when they return my wave and of course my tail joins in the waving and saying goodbye, she was raised properly and has manners. Unlike some tails who just go around burning things down just because they can, those tails give others a bad name which I will not repeat. It is just bad and sends a chill down my back. Blah!

Standing there, I watch as Reginald goes to the other side of the hallway and starts to pry the stone loose. In moments I can see him straining as he starts to pull the stone away from its brothers, sweat forming on his brows. "Do you need help?" I ask taking a step towards Reginald and I see him waving a hand at me, "No need, I got this," he replies.

With a look of concern I tell him okay as he continues to work on the stone, pulling it out further and further until there is like this much distance between it and the wall. Well at least it won't be bored sitting there since it will have the other stone to talk too, hopefully they get along.

*Click mental pen to right ninja note to self*

Stones in the middle of this hallway.  Dodge to either right or left if something with tooth and claw is chasing after me.

*Click of mental pen before putting it away so it doesn't leak all over.*

Dirt starts to pile up on either side of the hole as Reginald starts to dig, quickly disappearing into a newly formed and still forming hole leading to a tunnel. Did he forget Tartar, I ask myself and quickly get an answer when Reginald pokes his head back out, dirt covered and carefully grabs Tartar's bowl. As he disappeared into the hole, Tartar gave me one last wave and I of course return it before turning and continuing my adventure.

Phpft! Phpft!  Phpft! Okay,  didn't I already eat these webs once, I growl as I pull the webs from out of my face, rip..... Ow! Ow! Ow! Trust me you don't want to taste them, think where they came out of.

* Silent ninja hint, their butt!*

Gross! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

***

I hear laughter coming from way up there, up by the ceiling, up in the webs as I clear out the last of the webbing from my mouth. "You think this is funny?" I yell up at the laughter and quickly get a reply of yes. "Spinning your butt floss all around so others can walk into it isn't funny."

"Um....yes it is," the mysterious voice answered.

"No it isn't." I yell back.

"Yes it is."

"No it is isn't."

"Yes it is."

"No!"

"Yes...."

"I said it isn't," I growl, squinting to see if I can see who it is I am talking too.

"I said it is, so there." The voice responded, "In fact....."

"In fact?" I ask right before eating web, not a little like walking through a web either. I am talking full stream in the face. GLUG! GLUG! GLUG! "Stop I just had cake," I try to say between blasts of butt thread. Suddenly the laughter stops and thankfully so did the butt thread.

"What type of cake? Any ice cream?" I heard the voice asking from the up by ceiling.

For a moment I didn't answer as I tried to clean some of the webbing off of my face, it was in my nose, then I replied chocolate and no ice cream. "Chocolate and no ice cream, blah! Everyone knows cake demands ice cream,"  the mysterious voice yelled back at me before I started eating web again. GLUG! GLUG! GLUG! In moments it felt like I was being covered in sticky silly string and it was getting all over and I mean all over and it was yuck, It will take the lives of tons of Q-tips to get it out of my ears.

"Stop it!" I try to yell as I started to dodge side to side, bouncing off from one wall to the other, " Stop it!"

For a moment the butt thread stopped and through a small opening, that I had just managed to pry open, I could see a spider come skittering out of the darkness. If I had to guess it was about the size of my head. So too big for a newspaper or shoe, drat! Those are both good for squashing a spider, hammers are not. Especially on glass tables.

"I don't wanna," It says before sticking its tongue out at me.Spider's have tongues? Since when? Oh yeah ruins of madness so why not. "This is too much fun."

"Fun?" I reply as I cock an eyebrow. Someone has a weird definition of fun.

* Looking up up fun in the spider dictionary located in the Boy Scout handbook, boy this thing has everything. It says, Shooting butt thread onto cute and adorable monkey girls, my that is specific isn't it. Also shooting butt thread into their mouths. Yuck!*

"Yes, yes," The spider said as it excitably bobbed and down,"So much fun..." Quickly it turned and raised its butt, "Time to play..."


((Why spiders? I mean there are other places one can hang out at and everything.... find out next time.))

[Catherine]

The spider laughs gleefully as it shoots globs of webbing at me. SPLAT! SLAT! SPLAT! This time I am ready for butt thread and I spin out of the way. "Ha missed me.," I say with a little smile. I expect another barrage of webbing when my hands touch the wall and here they come and there I go SPROING over the webbing, all slow motion like and stick the landing. Let's turn to the judges and we have a 9-8-9 and a three from the  Russian judge. Boo.........

Before anymore butt thread can hit me, I do the whole back flip down the hallway, away from the corridor. In mid flip I do something cool, reaching into my bag I pull out the hyper turbo super staff of whapping and spin it around all fan like.

* HIYAH and pose* 

A big happy smile brightens the hallway, I brush my teeth after every meal like a good monkey girl see? Open mouth and smile a bright blinding smile. Oops I should have warned you. Sorry. Sorry.

In a blink of an eye, or the thousand of eyes of the spider another volley of webbing is shot. "Batters up!" I yell as I drop my hand position down on the staff and swing. CRACK! They are out of here. Literally they are out of here. Going that way. SPLAT! SPLAT! Is there something moving down there? Eep! Wrong time and place for something green, short with big ears and a nose. Slow the camera down and you might have even see the teeth flying right after the impact. Ow! I rub my imaginary jaw in sympathy, "Sorry!"

I look back up at the spider and dive as another volley peppers the floor where I wa standing. The dive turns in a roll and SPROING up I go, "Got you," I say swinging my hands at the little spider, trying to catch it in my hands. It's hairy little spidery body in my hands. Shiver at the thought. Ick. Ick. Ick. Of course gravity decides to increase or something at that very moment and I come up way too short. Like this far away. For a moment I just hang there staring at the spider, it aims and unloads butt thread right into one of my nostrils. Ugh! Ick and any other word of disgust. Quickly my hands go to my nose as i drop to the ground.

"You little...you little," I chant over and over as I turn away from the spider and carefully pull on the butt thread. Carefully.,..carefully....carefully. Don't need to pull anything important out. Hey look a marble. Carefully. How much is in there? You and you don't say a word about nothing being up in my head. There is like a mile of it so far, it is cleaning out the sinuses though and done.

I turn to yell at the spider, "That wasn't..." I start to say but see butt thread shooting towards me and before I can do anything it seals my mouth shut. "nnnmmmppphhh."

Giddy laughter fills the air as my hands come up and I can see the spider happily bobbing up and down as it dances about.

"mmmmppphhh mph mmpppphhh!"


***

What do they say about band aids,  just rip them off and they will hurt less or something?  Butt thread is a lot like band aids so......

1...2...3...RIP!!!!!!

Miles away I am sure they can hear me screaming. They might be able to hear me in outer space, at this very moment alien invaders are probably turning away thinking that what they are hearing is some new sonic weapon that will cause their brains to explode. POP!

Tears are running down my face as I look at the webbing in my hands. Have my lips been ripped off? I liked my lips where they were at. No, no lips stuck to webbing, whew. Eyebrows? Nope and that is a double whew.

"What is wrong?” the spider sings, with a little bit of concern, a whole a lot of ha ha and whole lot of glee.  I don't even think, actually I don't even remember moving my head,  I am just staring up at it. With a stare that would melt unmeltable stuff.

"You shouldn't be shooting others in the face with your butt thread!" I answer back as I try to toss the webbing down to no success.Stupid sticky butt thread!So I start to shake my hand until it feels like it is about to fly right off, zip there goes my hand,  the whole time I am being egged on by the spider's laughter.  Grrrr........ "Get off of my finger!” SHAKE. SHAKE. SHAKS. "Stop with the finger hugging!" SHAKE. SHAKE. SHAKE. "Please just let go already..." SHAKE. SHAKE. SHAKE. For a moment I consider chewing it off, the butt thread and not my finger that is gross. But I can picture it being like some super gum taffy, once I start to chew it, my mouth will be sealed forever type thing. No matter how fun that sound like doing, I prefer a mouth that opens thank you. I don't want to purée everything and suck it through a straw like a fly. Ick and no thank you.

So guess what, I continue to shake my hand and it is getting painful. The webbing has a death grip on my finger and it would be nice if it just let go. I even try begging, "Please just fall off...." and nothing. I tie it to one of the stones that Reginald pushed out and run for it. Yeah no. Imagine a bungee cord jumper, ok now imagine how he or she goes SPROING back up. I prepare and with a firing of an imaginary gun, BANG, I take off running like a monkey after a banana.

Legs pumping as I run, might be setting a new land speed record for all I know. Even the spider is cheering me on or mocking me, one of those but I am not sure really since I am concentrating on breaking the butt thread barrier. Scientists have never been able to measure when a person breaks it, but I am going to try.

I continue to beat feet down the hallway. Confidence begins to fill every fiber in my being and it feels pop pop poprock good. I am doing it! I am breaking the butt thread  barrier, I tell myself moments before my hand gets whipped back, my spine starts to stretch as my feet continue to run and my tail waves at me as I get yanked back the way I came.

"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh     Nnnnnnnmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!'"

Can monkey's fly? If you watch that movie with the girl and the painted road then yes. Before you say something I will not wear one of those hats or silly jackets. Really think about it, do you want to have flying monkeys in the world?  Think hard. Yes I would look really cute and adorable with a little set of wings, but I will pass. You see it would be hard to find tops that fit or I would have to have them custom made so yeah no, not worth it and I have a tail. See look at it.

* tail wave *

Isn’t it cute? Of course it is.

Back to the monkey flying thing. Specifically this monkey girl flying thing. You see I wouldn't really call it flying, I would call it being SPROINGED back down the hallway at extreme speeds. Uncontrollably and at this moment in time, not fun. I didn't come prepared for any horizontal bungee cording. No safety equipment. No lessons on how to fall horizontally properly. No how to dodge the two stones coming at you or anything. Totally unprepared and I might just have to place a comment in the ruins' comment box as soon as I find it.

* lick mental pencil and scribble*

Horizontal bungee cording drops are not drops and horizontally extreme of the non vertical type. My tummy was left behind and had to catch up, it does not like the idea anymore.

* put mental pencil away*

A upward draft or maybe even a cockroach sneezed as I passed over it but somehow I missed the two stones by just a smidgen. How close is a smidgen, well I could see the look of fear on my face in the reflection on the stove as I shot by so that close.

Down the corridor I go, having fond memories of where I have been already. I remember that rubble we had fun times together, call me! Then stop and SPROING back down the corridor.Hey didn't I just pass this piece of rubble just a moment ago, call me! The 3D effects on this trip back are pretty good, it really looks like everything is streaking past me, especially the two stones. Hello stones.

Rinse and repeat. Monkey girl shoots down the corridor, spider laughs and monkey girl just barely misses eating two large stones on the way back, which is good since she is on a no stone diet. Have to watch the pounds those put on since they go directly to the tummy. BLARGH.

"Exit please," I say as start the SPROING back. Quickly doing the flip, rotate and a mctwist or something in mid air, bringing my feet up behind or well in front of me now as I shoot back towards the stones. With any luck.....yes I plant my feet on this side of the stone and stretch back. Hoping and praying to the banana gods that what I am picturing in my mind doesn't happen. Please don't shoot towards the ceiling. Please don't shoot towards the ceiling. I don't feel licking it. Please.... I stretch more and so does my tail and glisten starts to drip off my face as I turn a nice shade of red and......

SNAP!

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!

***

Monkey girl falls down and goes boom. Oh and just in case you were worried, my tail spun out of the way and is safe.

As I picked myself off the ground, I could hear the sound of giggling fill the air, making it harder to push myself off the ground, which sounds equally playful and still taunting. "You liked that didn't you?" I ask pulling myself up the rest of the way, only to stumble a little bit when my tummy finally catches up from  all of the SPROINGS .

I didn't need to look up to know that the spider was smiling when it answered back with a happy "Hmhmmmm." My fists balling up a little in reply as I look around trying to figure out what to do. What to do, I ask myself, the spider has height advantage.

Ideas....hmmmmm.....With one hand I reach into my bag and feel around. I have the cup from earlier, no good since I don't want to bring the spider a cup of water. The Boy Scout handbook, a invaluable source of information, which I could throw at the spider, Which wouldn't send him to jail. Then my hand find the matches of fire. Could be interesting, burn the webbing and everything. Could light them and throw fireballs at it. Crispy spider in seconds. Nah....couldn't do that to the little thing and I couldn't live with myself. A giant flyswatter....no wait that is the book again. Standing there, thinking for a moment, what to do?

So stuck in thinking I don't notice my nail tapping on my shoulder. "What? Do you have a plan girl?" I say as I turn my head to look at it. The tail nods and motions to one wall, then to the other and then to the spider. "What? Oh....."

I take a few steps back and I see the spider getting interested, it also helps when it asks me what am I doing.  "Oh you will see," I answer back with a little smile as I pull out my staff. I give the spider a wink right before I take off running towards it. Suddenly I spring to one wall and BOING off of it to the other. I know the spider is watching me since I have the feeling of a thousand eyes or more looking at me. BOING I go off the other wall,  sending me right towards the exact spot where my tail said I would.

Monkey girl to fuzzy tail, come in fuzzy tail. This is fuzzy tail go ahead monkey girl. Fuzzy tail this is monkey girl, your plan worked and the spider is unprepared, do I have a go for thwapping, over. Thumbs up and you have a go for thwapping Monkey girl. Thwapping now fuzzy tail, over and out,

A thousand eyes get big as the staff comes down right between them,THWAP!

The crowd goes wild as the spider goes sailing out to left field. It looks like Johnny might catch it, he is going back and back and back. Oh no he stumbles and it is a home run. The crowd goes wild!

The spider bounces down the hall before coming to a stop. BOING BOING BOING. it looks at me and.....


((Insert witty ending thingie that eludes to soemething Coming. Hmm.... thinking.))

[Catherine]

Tears start to well up in the thousands eyes of the spider. Its mandibles quivering as it sniffs. "Why??" It cries out,"Why did you hit me for?"

Either I am being punk'd or maybe the spider is a kid. I look around to see if I can find any cameras and even tap some of the stones to test to see if they are fake, sometimes those cardboard stones are pretty realistic looking you know. Tap! No. Tap! No. Tap! No. The whole time that I am rapping knuckles to stone, my tail is scanning the area. Nothing it nods to me. It even confirms on its 'Test to see if I am being punk'd meter" and it is coming at an zero for punk'd particles. Which is strange since there is always a couple of those particles floating around making other particles look like idiots. The ruin's interior designer must have put a hepa filter in to clean the environment, sniff, to put the fresh lemon scent into the air.

I was wondering why the ruins didn't smell like ruins but smelled more like an lemon orchard. Usually they have that dirty, dusty and moldy smell, you know like ruins. But not this one, this one had that fresh scent. A point to whoever thought of that.

Carefully I took a step towards the spider, "I was just defending myself that is all."

"Defending? Why? I was just playing," the spider replied as it sniffed.

"Playing? Didn't you just see me go from there to there over and over. Almost splatting  on the stones over there.", pointing wildly all over. Best way to describe it really. Point and point and more pointing.

Sniff. "Yes but I thought you were having fun since we were playing."

"When I was doing the whole," motions with a hand  back and forth down the hall, "I was either silently screaming or screaming so loud only a dog could hear me.

"Screaming can be done when you are having fun."

Slowly I kneeled down, "Yes but the screaming I was doing was of the not fun variety."

"What? I didn't mean too. I thought you were having fun." The spider sniffed again.

"Can I ask how old you are?"

"Yes," the spider sniffed then nodded, "I am four years old."


***

Slowly I bring a hand up to rub the bridge of my nose as I close my eyes, realization finally setting in.Now this all makes sense. "Now I understand why you thought I was having fun, you are a kid."

"I am not a kid," the spider said stamping its feet, which is impressive to see with a spider,"I am not a kid, I am four years old!"

"Okay, okay you aren't a kid. Where are your parents?" So I know where not to go, I whisper to myself.

"Down that way," the spider answered, pointing down the corridor that I need to go down,"and to the right then left and straight and left." Mentally I was writing down the do not go in directions as my tail sketched out a little map. "No one goes down there every and I was bored so I came up here and I found you and I thought we could play and this and that."

"Don't you think your parents are worried?" I ask as I turn my head to look down the corridor to see if anything with multiple legs and bigger than VW van was making its way towards us.

The spider giggled before answering, "No no, no one bothers us. Not even the white ghosts."


***

My head turned so fast when I heard ghost that a small tornado formed and danced down the hallway before smacking into a wall, "White ghosts?"

"Yes," the spider answered as it nodded,"All white and I can barely see their faces and they always walk around, Ghost! Quiet ones too, not even saying boo!"

"Where did you see the ghosts at?" Preparing to write more mental notes, my tail licking the tip of its pencil.

"Go down and to the left. They stay down there."

"Are you going to be okay if I go see these ghosts?" I asky doing air quotes as I said ghosts.

"Of course I am four years old," the spider replied as it stood tall.

"Good, Let me go check them out and I will come back to play."

The spider started to bounce up and down excitedly, "Yay!!!!! You promise,"

I lean over and offer my pinky to the spider, "I pinky promise." The spider takes one of its leg and wraps it around my pinky, Ick and we shake.

"See you in a bit," I say as I turn to head left and not right to see the 'ghosts'.


((Ghosts!!! Oh jeez why did it have to be ghosts? I guess we go boo next time.))

[Catherine]

'Down the left you shall be. Soon you will you will see thee dragon's teeth. Shiver me timbers to the count of three.'

Okay, this doesn't make any sense at all, I think to myself as I read the inscription on the wall. Are there pirates or wannabe pirates down this hallway? Is there going to be a water ride where they sing? Do I need to buy tickets to get on said ride? Pretty interesting that they would put a ride down here, wait a second. I look around, does the mouse own this? Maybe the ruins is some long forgotten park of his. I don't see any overabundance of gift shops or anything like that and that is where all the mad money is at so probably a big no on the forgotten theme park. That would have been cool though  I could go for a ride about now or a petrified hotdog with some ketchup or catsup, however you would like to spell it. I would so have gotten a pair of mouse ears, which I hear is the in thing for adventurers now. Just imagine running from some spear wielding natives with a set of ears on, with a ribbon of course since I am a girl, that would be stylish and so in. Nothing makes a rival quiver in their boots than a pair of mouse ears. Well pooh bear.

Looking around, I don't see any circular impressions on floor or anything, so no peg legs. That and you don't see pirates in ruins, okay sometimes you do but usually you find them on ships, in the jaws of sharks or drunk somewhere on ale. That and usually you can hear their parrots squawking from a mile away and..... Yeah no parrot squawks. So no pirates either. Well aaarrrrggghhh pooh bear. That would have been fun  to tell around a campfire with s'mores, how I fought pirates in the ruins of madness, which nobody would have believed unless I had photos, I would so had snapped some though.


***

The only other thing left that the inscription is talking about is dragon's teeth and I am so hoping there is not a dragon down here. One, I am a monkey girl and not a dwarf so no real advantage fighting a dragon. Dwarves are made of sturdy things and well this monkey girl is made of cute and adorable things, so dragon's foot comes up and squish. Two, dragons stink and I only smell lemon fresh stuff and unless it is a lemon dragon I shouldn't have to worry. Three, which is an important number, how in the world would a dragon fit down here? No room for wings and a lot of ninety degree turns. I can see the dragon now, 'Wait I am stuck on this turn, can you wait so I can keep chasing you?' Of course it could be a small dragon or a drake, the black sheep of the dragon family and usually mocked at family reunions, neither of which are really scary unless they have been teeth. So no worries.

The last sentence well there is no trees to shiver so yeah safe there.

* snap of fingers *

Wait a second...this could be a warning that there are beavers ahead; they have teeth, they make timbers shiver and I am to the left.

"It all makes sense now," I tell myself, nodding my head. The beavers are working with the white robes, insidious indeed. But how does the lead singer/guitarist work into this?

* snap of fingers *

They needed her to write a jingo for them, that is it. She probably turned them down and they took her against her will and have her down here writing one for them. If it is catchy enough they know people will be mesmerized and toe the line. The Beavers and white robes would rule the world!  That can't happen, post haste I must save the singer before she writes the words.

Fast walking I take off down the corridor, must I remind you it isn't polite to run in ruins since it offends the rubble. So fast walk it is.


***

Down the corridor I go; up a short flight of stairs, up another set, down a set of stairs and surprise surprise down another. Turn down a corridor heading to the left then take another heading to the right. Oh look another corridor to the left and after a short walk one to right. Then 'A' and 'B', you are probably wondering about those aren't you? It is kind of hard but easy to explain, you had to be there.

Anyways after all of that and one of other thing, I start to notice little things here and there. Nothing really strange, I mean there is an odd number of velvet Elvis paintings lining the hallway.  I guess someone needs to store them somewhere and hey why not in the ruins of madness. "Thank you very much," and assume the Elvis pose. That was odd, not sure why I did that really, just came over me.

Walking down the corridor, I look at the paintings as I pass them and I can see that there are slight changes in the paintings. It isn't the same painting, that I originally thought, but each painting was slightly different. Maybe each one represented a slightly older version of Elvis or hmmm...... Elvis, Elvi or however you would say multiple Elviseses and don't say elves either, Elvi from different dimensions. If you think that sort of makes sense, he was the king and ate fried  peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Which if you ask the right people is all you need to do  to have multiple versions of yourself strewn throughout the dimensions. "Thank you very much," and assume the Elvis pose.

Down the hallway of El I go. That isn't an alien with red tights reference either. It just sounded better than down the hallway of Elvi. Without any thought my hips swivel to the side which catches me by surprise when it happens, so much surprise I end up on my face. THUMP! Instantly my tail goes into defensive mode,sweeping back and forth.

"I am ok..." I say as I start to pick myself up, dusting the rubble dust off my pants and off my tongue, thank the banana gods I didn't bite it, that would of smart. As I am patting the last of the dust off, my left leg starts to quiver and my hips start to swivel. What is happening?

Right when I am about to get to 'I am one coconut short of  freaking out!' Everything just stops.  Maybe it is everything finally getting to me, I think to myself. Nah, i am made of stronger stuff than that.

Suddenly the air in front of me stars to glitter and sparkle.

"Okay?"


((Glitter? Nothing good comes from Glitter does it? Find out next time.))

[Catherine]

Quickly I look up to see if there is a hole in the ceiling and if someone is pouring glitter and bedazzles through it. I don't see any hole or glitter or even sparkles above about let's say head level, about this tall. A glitter spigot from somewhere, triggered by me walking down the hall of El. Which means if I stick my hand in it, when I pull it back it should be all sparkly. Curious monkey girl minds want to know so I flip my hand up and push it into the glittering and sparkling. What would be really cool is if when I pull my hand back I have a glitter ball, bedazzled and everything. That would be pretty and unlike snowballs not easily melted.MCome on glitter bedazzled ball, come on....

Three......two and one and pull back hand, no ball of glitter. Shoot! Not even a single bedazzle either, HUMPH! My hand isn't even glittery either. So how?


***

"Uh huh... It would be me," I hear a voice say as it echoes through the room, pulling my attention from my non glittery hand to the glitter hovering in front of me. My jaw hits the floor with an audible thump, when I see what is now floating there.

"Well well that is a reaction I always get with the ladies," the floating head said, it's hair done just right and its eyes protected by a pair of large sunglasses, mirroring my look of surprise back at me. The head smiles and one of those glittery shiny things appears as the light catches on its teeth. "Now pick up your jaw so you don't get drool on my blue suede shoes."

Unblinking, I pick my jaw up and close it properly before speaking,"Excuse me, aren't you?"

"If I was, that would be copyright infringement. So let's say I am a very good impersonator," the head said with a wink. Which I swore was followed by the sound of girls screaming all up and down the hall of El. I think my legs even got weak for a moment and I caught myself before I started to swoon.


***

Still in the 'What the?' part of the encounter I just stood there and let words slip from my mouth, something I should watch, "So yeah.... Hmmm.... What are you doing here?"

"You caught me in between shows and I got something I need to tell ya for sure."

"Okay?" I say quickly glancing around, "What is it?"

"Well ma'am down this corridor over there uh huh," I watched as the head turn into a hand with several rings, pointing down the corridor for a moment before changing back, "Is who you are looking for, taken during a warm up jam session. She had a dream with a V8 engine strapped to it until the white robes nabbed her. Now I hear her every so often singing out, you can not stop a person once they find their song and she found it in spades."

"Yeah Stephen told me about her. Dee I think he said her name was, I told him I would come down and see if I could find her."

"Well you are close little lady. Be warned though the white robes fight dirty."

Without any thought I took my hyper turbo super staff of whapping out and spun it around before smacking the tip down on the ground, "I didn't expect them to fight clean, as long as they keep their robes clean I will be okay.  Oh and I got a stick, whap whap,"

I watched as the head laughed for a moment, "That you do. You go have fun and watch your tail."

"I will," I reply, collapsing the staff as I spin it around and slip it back into my bag. Taking a confident step forward. How hard could they be, they are wearing white robes.

"Remember, you only pass through this life once, you don't come back for an encore,” the head exclaimed as I walked past it,  "Thanks for the advice.”

"You are welcome and if you pass through here again bring some peanut butter and bananas." I heard the head say behind me as I kept on walking.

"Will do."


***


You know what says important, big double doors that look really heavy. You know the type, the ones where you hope the hinges are oiled so you stand a chance of at least budging them. The type that might take an elephant pushing against it and just mockingly laugh at it, "Ha Ha is that the best you can do. Ha Ha", or something like that. Yeah I know that wasn't too mocking, I don't want to push it sense it could offend doors everywhere and then they rebel and that wouldn't be pretty. Doors will start to refuse to open or somehow need to be swung in the other direction to open. The world will come to a screeching halt quickly once a door is insulted, think about it. Couldn't get into a fridge, cars are a no go and just think about being trapped in a port-a-let, pew pew stinky. So no insulting a door today.

Examining the area around the door I can see by the lack of scratches or gouges on the floor that the doors swing the other way. Which is a good thing if you want to be dramatic. Now if you want to be stealthy, doors opening away from a room is better. Open it up just enough and slip in, then close the door just enough and bingo bango bongo you are in the room and all stealth like. Which is good most of the time to get honest, but this time nah. This time I feel like throwing up open the door and yelling  "Surprise!" Why you ask, why not? That and look at the door, it isn't one of those doors you slowly open up and quietly walk by, like some church or library. Oh no, it is one you throw open and BANG! If it had a face it would be agreeing with me right now, I just know it. So I am simply doing what the door wishes that is all. Heh heh.

All ninja like, I walk up to the door and get down on my knees, not to bow to it but to look under the door. You know some recon before I swing open the doors of squish. I am not seeing any feet, oh hey wait a second, change that I see a couple on the mouse scurrying across the floor. Which counts but doesn't really since I am looking for the white robbed kind.

Let's see what else can I spy with my little eye; I think something black, more black and  some more black. Not to helpful but hey it isn't white.

"What do you think tail?" I whisper quietly, at the whisper level of just about cricket volume, looking towards my tail. Who is also peeking under the door. It scoots out and nods at me, giving a thumbs up the way only prehensile tails can.

As I get up I dust myself off, I need to make a proper appearance when I make a door swinging entrance. Entering in a cloud of dust while possibly interesting, just imagine a cloud sweeping into a room while you are making an entrance - so cool, is cough inducing though and may trigger some allergies. Need to think about this stuff. It cuts down on the wow effect when everyone's noses are running and they are sneezing.

With both hand I grip door handle and prepare myself. Three, two and one... The door swings open and queue the dramatic lighting from behind so it paints a cute and adorable imposing silhouette. That would have been nice actually, but no door opening or dramatic lighting. The door did not do the door thing, like I hoped it would.


***

I push on the doors and nothing, nothing as in the doors are still closed. Maybe they are pull doors, I tell myself,so I give them a little pull. Wait a second they are swinging....nope nothing. Maybe they rotate? Nah....while fun to get them to spin, it wouldn't be practical. Then what? Maybe they are just jammed.

Let's test that theory, putting my shoulders into the door I start to push and push. Teeth gritting and feet slipping pushing too. Ergh! Argh! Come on door open, I beg as I push harder and harder. So hard I might have been able to push an elephant, but still not that door I think.

My tail taps me on the shoulders as I sit against the door exhausted. "What is it girl?" I ask as I look up at it then slowly turn to where it is pointing.

*Hand to face moment*

Now it all makes sense, the door was locked. I laugh to myself as I reach up to the lock and flip it to the unlock position, not even thinking there might be a little sign or something that would change on the other side letting others know that door is now unlocked.,Thank the banana gods I didn't need a key or I would have never gotten in, well without a chainsaw or axe of course. If I had one of those, the door would have been no problem.


*CLICK*

I want the dramatics and not knowing how hard the door will be to swing open, I take a step back and throw myself against the door. UMOH! Of course I expected hard and I got easy, the doors swing open and slam against the walls. SLAM! SLAM! I stumble into the room, against my better wishes though and for a quick moment before I fall onto my face I can see a speaker, a bass guitar and oh yeah a long raven haired girl lying face down chained to the ground.

Then monkey girl fall and go boom, "Owie!"


((Clicks, clicks. Clicks are never good. See why next time.))

[Catherine]

Slowly, well quickly slow really. I don't just lay there and I don't pop up either so somewhere in between. I get up, rubbing my nose, it is probably red now poor little thing and I can see the girl laying there. Her raven hair pooled around her head hiding any features, large thick chains, the size of my arm, holding her down. Could this be, I ask myself. Quickly I look around and can see that the chains holding the girl down are also pinning down a bass guitar and an amp which isn't good.

"Excuse me," I say, if I had a stick I would be poking the girl, "Excuse me."

"Yes?" I heard the girl answer back in a powerful, soprano voice as she started to sit up. Pushing her long hair out from in front of her face, like ink it flowed down onto her shoulders and beyond, as she did. Her white skin glowed underneath like a beacon in the night. Slowly she licked her wine colored lips and then I heard her ask "What do you want?"


***

"Ar...." My voice catching in my throat for a moment when the girl opened her electric blue eyes and focused on me.

"Are you a pirate?" she asked, laughing a little as she swung her legs around to sit indian style. One of her knees showing  through her worn out jeans as she adjusted her legs. I could feel the hairs on the back of the my neck standing as the girl's black leather boots scratched across the ground like some great cat. For a moment, my eyes dropped to her shirt and the name of some band printed there, 'Enginenoggin', before looking back into those eyes.


***

"Are you Dee?" I asked, holding my breath for a moment.

"Yes why?" Dee answered, revealing one of her canines as she licked her lips.

"Stephen sent me to find you."

"Stephen?" Dee asked as she thought for a moment, "Ah yes the Gilly. Good roadie, good with the tech." She said nodding her head slowly, her hands going to her head."Got any aspirin?"

"Yeah maybe," I answered before digging though my bag. Yeah...no...no.....no...looking for aspirin not an aardvark toy. "Yes here we go," I proclaim, pulling out the bottle like I just pulled out Excalibur, which reminds me to go back by there later and give it a try again, hey you never know. Might get it right next time and swish, queen of all.

Quickly Dee thrust out a hand, "Give me..."

"Okay, okay let me look at the directions first. Okay it says two aspirins now and..."

"Give me that," Dee said, swiping the bottle out my hand and without even thinking downed its contents.

With a look of concern I took the bottle back, "Aren't you afraid you will overdose or something?"

Dee laughed in reply, "Please, it will take more than a bottle of baby aspirins to get to me. Maybe a bottle of horse tranquilizers if they are lucky, but I am made of tougher things than that."

"Okay, that is good."

"Yes it is," Dee continued as she pulled a toothpick out of nowhere and slipped it in between her teeth, where it started to bob up and down. My head nodding as I followed it for a moment. Getting sick urp!

***


"So what is your name?" Dee asked as the toothpick danced from one side of her mouth to the other. My head tracking the toothpick as it did.

"My name is Nichole Anne Marie Smith," I answered, catching myself before toppling over.

"That is a nice name," Dee said nodding her head.

I smile for a moment, "Yes it is and friends call me 'Monkey'"

Dee laughed for a moment, "Fitting with the name and all."

"Thank you."

"You are welcome, so I guess you are wanting to hear how I got here before we blow this pop stand."

"We can wait if you like." I answer, looking around for any signs of white and or robes.

"Don't worry, it will only take a moment and I can tell as you work on the locks."

"Sounds good." I say with a little smile.

***

"There I was", Dee said as I started to work on a lock,"prepping for the concert before the crowds showed up  in the morning. If you stood off stage, you could  feel them coming, the fans. Their stamping feet sending tiny tremors through the earth as they came closer and closer.

I love getting up on stage by myself before everyone shows. Looking out to the empty grounds and imagining the fans roaring. My heart would start to race as I stood there, plucking  a couple cords and listen to them bouncing off the surrounding walls. I would close my eyes, for a moment, drinking in the sound as bounced around and in my mind I knew  what I would need to adjust.

Anyways like I was saying, I was standing there with a foot on ole Mel,"Dee paused to motion with her head towards the amp sitting there chained up," I could feel the weight of my rickenbacker pulling me down, like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, as I teased the nickel strings with the tips of my fingers. The purr of the guitar filling the area and it was perfect.

Then without warning, I was surrounded by men in white robes. Where they came from I don't know but they were there in a blink of an eye. In another blink they were on me. Yeah I fought, boots to balls on one. I still remember a speaker that was pretty far away, being knocked over by something which I can only guess what. 

Everything was going good until some big guy in a robe stepped up. That is when everything changed, the white robes got organized and they dog piled me. Some got all handsie too, let's say when they pulled their hands back their fingers bent in the other direction. But everything else  I tried to do after that was a no go, somehow the white robes were ready now. 

Yelling? Yeah all I got out was, "What the f...." Before something was covering my mouth. If it was a hand, I would have bitten it and there would have been someone else screaming but it wasn't. Yeah I was putting up a pretty good fight, what one of me and a lot of them, But there is a thing called numbers and that eventually won out and I was being hauled away!

You know what the freaky thing was? They scaled the side of the cliff face like it was nothing. I don't know how they did it but they did. I didn't see any ropes or equipment but up they went.

At the top, I bite and bite hard. Whatever was in my mouth was bite in two. The moment I sucked in to yell something got shoved into my face and the world when dark.

When I finally woke up, I found myself here. Chained up with my rickenbacker and amp. The white robes don't speak, maybe a vow of silence I don't know, but I have yet to hear why they grabbed me but it can't be for anything good, since they jumped me.

I need to get back, How are you doing on those locks?"

***


"What? Oh yeah locks, sorry I was listening to the story." I say slightly embarrassed. Quickly I turn my attention to the first of a series of locks. "Ok, these are odd...not sure what to do..."

"What? I thought you knew."

"Well I am learning as I am going actually," I admitted,"let me check the manual."

"Manual?"

"Yeah," I answer as I pull out the Boy Scout manual,"It is amazing what they have in this thing." Quickly flipping through It to a random page,"Look here, how to fashion a jet pack out of three paper clips and a wad of gum. You can't tell me you would be able to find that anywhere else. Everything I have needed to know and more, I have found in this manual. So let me check...."

* lick finger and start flipping *

"How to disarm an octopus, no."

"Your friend the water bison, ah no."

"Run for your life! It's a lemming stampede, ok no."

* flip flip flip *

"Okay here you go. Lock identification and how to open them without a key. Since it isn't good to say lock picking." Quickly I start to scan the page, let me tell you there are some interesting ones out there. One actually uses hamsters as tumblers. Quickly I start to compare the locks at hand to the diagrams. Maybe this one. No, this one is not as square. Interesting but no. Iffy on this one. No. This one is close but missing this part. No. No. No and flip page. A lot of no on those pages. Flip page.


((Licking pages can lead to paper cuts on the tongue. Which is painful!!! Find out what is found next time...))

[Catherine]

"Okay I think I found it and it shouldn't be too hard," I say looking back and forth from the lock to the diagram,"The worse thing that can happen is an explosion on the molecular level."

"That doesn't sound to.....hey wait a second. Explain the explosion on the molecular level thing." Dee said as her eyes got really large.

"Oh yeah it says one slip up and tiny booms, let me verify..." Looking back at the book as I slip on my imaginary glasses to clarify the point,"Hmmm yeah. That is what it says. Explosions will occur at a molecular level thus rubbing the molecule off the face of the planet. So no biggie."

Terror slipped over Dee' s face and it wasn't pretty looking, "No biggie!!! It isn't you that will be blown up if you mess up,"

"No, that is true but....I should be able to get all of these. No problem."


***

Slowly and with a look of 'please no explosions' on her face, Dee offered me her hand and the first lock, "If you mess up I will give you a part of...."

I give her a reassuring smile before starting to work on the lock, "Don't worry, what is the worse that can happen."

"That is what I am afraid off, the oops and boom."

"You probably wouldn't even hear the boom, " I reply as I work on the lock. Glisten starting to form on my forehead, as I sit there. Okay it is a little harder than I thought, the instructions made it sound really easy. Twist and click easy, but this is not that. Best not to show it though or Dee will freak out.,the glistening can easily be explained, um.... Problems with moisture gnomes that live on my forehead, yeah that is it. Moisture gnomes? CLICK! Oh thank monkey, just more to go.

***

I will have to admit, the first was a learning experience which made the rest earlier. Yes there was that one that made a funny noise, which made us both freeze waiting for the tiny booms and the screaming to follow. Nothing like that happened and I was so looking forward to seeing what molecular explosions looked like too, not at the cost of life or limb of course. I just wanted to see it for the experience really and not for the ohs and ahs. Okay maybe a little but still, molecular explosions! You don't see those everyday and what I was picturing in my mind, it could have been a popcorn level event. Just a miss click though and so on to the rest of them. Click and done on a half dozen others; freeing the bass, amp and...

You see I working on the locks as I found them so well,  unfortunately one was hiding though and that one was on Dee. How was I supposed to know that both wrists would be locked to chains? Not like I go around chaining people down everyday, but easily taken care of and hey I was quite experienced now with the locks, so all good.

Of course the white robes had something to say about that. What white robes? The ones that just appeared. "Can you guys and/or girls wait a moment while I get this last lock unlocked?"


((Question asked and find out what the answer is next time. Some monkey topic, same monkey time kind of sort of))