At Acquisitions Incorporated, you inquire - and we acquire™. For nearly twenty years, other people have had things you've really wanted and we've gone over there to get those things,
even if they didn't want us to do that. Typically, they don't. But we don't work for them,
we work for you™. We've acquired it all, but we specialize in staves, gems, and storied weapons
of great lineage. We do apply a reasonable surtax for rods, because
rods. It's been a problem. This is AcqInc in a nutshell:
Defenses negotiable. Merchandise plentiful. Franchises available.
Acquisitions Incorporated: It's In The Name™
You COULD have gotten a job with the Gray Hands. But they wanted you to pay
This is a dramatic re-enactment, and such backstories do not
apply to all potential interns. Your mileage may vary,
is what we're saying. Heroism far from guaranteed.
up-front. The Knights of the Unicorn have certain cultish aspects, such as being a cult. And like, medieval bronies. For a time the Company of the Catlash was considering you until you forgot to shave the day of your interview. Really it came down to two choices for your adventuring career; Acquisitions Incorporated, or the Companions of the Hall. And let's face it, you'd never cut a heroic figure standing next to Drizzt*. So here you are, application in hand for the most
heroic capable franchised adventuring company of the Sword Coast!
Your characters have all applied - and been accepted! - as interns for Acquisitions Incorporated. You stand now on the verge, nay,
precipice of your first excursion, to prove your mettle and wherewithal, to show yourselves worthy of full franchisee status! Actually given the company they've joined up with they're as likely to end up as professional dire rabbit herders as they are to end up heroes, but
they don't know that!
So here's a thing that's happening, I guess. As they say in the Shining South,
how-dee pardners and welcome to my take on the franchise of Acquisitions Incorporated. If you're unfamiliar, here's a quick rundown; Acquisitions Incorproated is an ongoing semi-comedic D&D game run for / by the guys at Penny Arcade and friends set in the Forgotten Realms. Though it tends to follow "standard" adventures, it ends up getting pretty silly. How silly? Well there was the one time they ended up in a Jaeger-style mecha and kicked the Tarresque in the nuts. And that's the kind of sensation I'm aiming for here!
...The "adventure with a silly side" sensation, not the "getting kicked in the nuts by mecha-Halaster" sensation. Unless you're into that sort of thing.
The Rules
The rules are simple!
•
Rule of Rad: Some things you can do. other things you can't do. But if there's something you technically can't do, but it sounds sufficiently rad (at GM's discretion) you'll at least get a shot at pulling it off. Don't be afraid to try those triple somersaults off the back of a flying dragon to party a lethal thrust to your best buddy's beloved boob-bearer.
•
Rothfuss' Rule: Are you skilled at flim-flam? Fast-talk/ Pure bullshittery? Are you perhaps dragging your feet on the third novel of a series your DM desperately wants to continue? This rule might apply to you! Similar to the Rule of Rad, I
might allow you to get away with absolute bullshit if you make a persuasive enough argument for me. Don't try it all the time, because even pat gets told "no" now and then.
•
Humor: Like I said, this is a comic adventure. That doesn't mean it's a nonstop comedy rollercoaster, slapstick, or that every word has to be a joke, or the like. But you will encounter the absurd. There will be occasional pop culture references and I expect quips and riffs and low-hanging fruit (heh, heh...). Don't feel like you've got to give a standup comedy act, but keep a sense of humor and tolerance for silliness. You're in a game where a Rod of Seven Parts has been "kiestered" for two years, mecha-beholders exist, and Newhamp Shire is an actual place.
•
E Stuff: "Okay...
THEY FUCK!" - Rosie Beestinger
Sexual humor is definitely a
thing in AcqInc. However sex is not the focus of the game. If you want to get it on, cool, that's all you. Feel free to schmooze your teammates all you like, to any degree the two+ of you are comfortable with. Maybe some NPC's will be game. However this isn't going to be the sort of game that wends up with sexual "bad ends" or throngs of wriggly, jiggly tentacle-beasts. The game will be contained in the Light: Human Small Groups section of the forums. All characters must be the species equivalent of 17+.
Character Creation
• Everyone starts at level 1.
• Beginning ability scores before racial adjustments are
15, 14, 13, 12, 10, 8.• All races / subraces from Player's Handbook and Sword Coast Adventurer's Guide are allowed.
• All class options from Sword Coast Adventurer's Guide, Xanathar's Guide to Everything, and Xanathar's Guide to everything else are allowed; the Uneaethed Arcana "Revised Ranger" and its subclass options are available as well.
• You can choose any background from the above sources, as well as
this list. You can replace one background skill with any other skill or one tool proficiency of your choice.
• You get the typical starting gear for your class / background, one roll on the Trinket table, plus a single common magical item.
• Speaking of backgrounds; you don't have to write a novel! Gimme the high points, and feel free to fill in the gaps as things go along. or have your gaps filled, if you prefer!
• Concepts: Remember that part where I compared your character to stale chip crumbs? Yeah, think like that. "Weird" characters are great, and weirdness is probably why they're applying for AcqInc internships in the first place. Hillbilly dwarf sorcerers, dragonborn bards who dual-wield bass lutes, that sort of stuff can work. I mean, maybe not mechanically, but never know 'til you try (see section 3, paragraph 1,
Rad, rule of)
• Please only use art for character images - I personally prefer non-anime styles, if at all possible. Cartoonish / comic book-style is fine though.
