Good evening THM, and it's so good to see you again! I remember we had a conversation on this exact topic when we were trying to figure out how our RP characters were going to interact romantically. I believe we finally agreed to strip everything BDSM or D/s from our characters' relationship, because we were just going to see a little too eye-to-eye on
everything, and that wouldn't do
I appreciate your kind offer for questions answered, though I don't have any that I haven't already worked out on my own, or am currently working through with others. Still, your offer led me to think of another topic I'd like to touch on -
community.Now that my husband is no longer a factor in my decisions or my future, I recently began to reach out to the local 'kink community' through [a website that shall not be named, because I am not sure the Elliquiy God/desses would appreciate that much]. It's not a hook up site (or it's not intended to be) - rather, more like Facebook for those with tastes *ahem* off the beaten path, where there are also many postings for local events and munches.
I have been researching and studying and learning and reading about 'the lifestyle' for about five years, and I have met several folks online who have been deeply and personally involved for far longer. It's been wonderful, and some of them have become my dearest friends (obviously not because of the kink, but simply because they are beautiful people whom I adore).
But beyond the boundaries of my living room, I have to admit, it can be a pretty lonely world sometimes.
My default setting is 'introvert' - a hardcore introvert at that, no matter the nature of the two long-term careers I had/have, or how I might seem online. In real life social settings I am shy, usually very quiet, not the person who's going to pick up on your conversation and comment, much less insert myself into your notice or your presence. Online, I can hide behind my relative anonymity, and pick and choose the pieces of me I want to share or to conceal. No one sees the expression on my face, or knows whether I just rolled my eyes at something I read, took a long, deep breath, and
then responded with an equanimity and poise I definitely wasn't feeling. No one can read my body language through a computer screen, arms crossed defensively over my chest, legs all twisted pretzel-like as I sit here and fume at some stupidity or other. But even someone like me can miss the sound of a human voice, real laughter and face-to-face conversation - human beings are built like that. So, a couple weeks ago I screwed my courage to the sticking point, and finally went to my first munch.
One of the smartest things I ever did.
For anyone who's never been, and who's about scared out of their skin to give it a go? It's really a simple thing to contact one of the organizers, send him or her a message, and just be honest: "I've never been to a munch before, I'm a bit nervous - do you have any suggestions?" You will probably be referred to a list of ‘munch etiquette FAQs’ of some sort or other (READ THEM!), and given someone who will gladly act as that first friendly face, the one who says ‘hey there’ when you walk in the door of the restaurant or pub. I currently live in one of the largest metropolitan areas in the U.S., a place you might not think was oh-so-friendly,
and yet... I was embraced and welcomed wholeheartedly, and have met some wonderful people who are glad to chat about other events, other munches, and some of what they do (within boundaries of course - people aren't going to just open up and
gush about their lives, particularly their kinky lives, to a virtual stranger. A little common sense, respect and a sense of propriety will take you a long way). Mostly though, we talked about ourselves and one another, getting to know one another as people simply out to have a good time, to socialize, to meet new folks and share some conversation and laughs with the friends they've known for years.
You know. Like
normal people...
One of the biggest benefits of all though, as a submissive, was
having the opportunity to meet other submissive-types. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for a submissive - particularly someone new, or someone young, or both - to form a circle of submissive friends and acquaintances who already have some experience under their respective belts. These are the people who can be a sounding board, a testing ground, a shoulder to lean on or an ear to talk right off when most needed.
And really, it's not that the dominant-types are 'scary,' because they're not - well, most aren't at least (unless you meet the right one, ask nicely and negotiate a bit, of course
).
Still, there's something inherently vulnerable in a submissive-type that, when compounded by naivete and/or the excitement of the bright and shiny and new, leaves them open to predatory behaviors that can have long, lasting and traumatic consequences. I'm talking with adults here, so I don't assume I need to go down the list of “bad things that can happen to good people." But when it comes to BDSM and D/s, there can be a barrier there to talking about 'certain topics' with your bff since high school, who thinks a spreader bar is what a mechanic pulls from his toolbox to change a tire, or that kinbaku is a new kind of sushi.
Yes, there are creeps, assholes and predators in
any community. It's a given, because sometimes people simply have evil or selfish intent, and the only mind readers in this world are found in fiction. But in
this community, a circle of experienced submissive-type friends, available to lean on and talk to and ask questions, can help keep a new and/or young submissive from the very worst mistakes - even those made with the very best intentions.
**********
And Helios, thank you, truly – you are, as always, far too kind to me. But yes, of course you’re right: the ‘real’ submissive-types aren’t often accurately portrayed in the public eye (any more accurately than the dominant-types, when you get right down to it). I think I’ll try to wrangle that a little bit next time from the submissive side…
