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Author Topic: Advice for Parents of Boy's  (Read 696 times)

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Offline DawgTopic starter

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Advice for Parents of Boy's
« on: January 13, 2009, 12:06:31 PM »
.

You find out interesting things when you have sons, like..

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
   
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCRs do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department usually has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women who read this will laugh about this with all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Offline Mathim

Re: Advice for Parents of Boy's
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2009, 12:21:16 PM »
Please tell me there's more; or I can just add some too. And I'm one of the 20% of men who won't mix Clorox and brake fluid. BTW, are you sure it's Clorox, or the bleach inside Clorox? Because I know ammonia and bleach make a knockout gas when mixed together. Try filling up a couple of water balloons with that mixture and you'll never have to stress out about getting your kids to sleep! :P

26.) Even though they're a cartoon the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are real. Because it's never the kid's fault, right?

27.) Every single question in the world has one answer: "I don't know."

28.) It's not okay for the kids to lie to you but it's okay for you to lie to them. But it's all good because you were lied to by your parents and your kids will in turn lie to their own kids.

29.) There is no such thing as 'hours of operation' with anything anywhere ever. At least in kids' minds.

30.) Time and space flow differently when you have kids. That's why you never wake up at the same time as them.

31.) Kids are cute when people don't have them.

32.) It's never you yelling and spanking your kid in the checkout stand, it's always someone else. You're just the babysitter, right?

33.) It does not need to be raining for the interior of the house to be demolished.

Offline Sarena

Re: Advice for Parents of Boy's
« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2009, 05:56:12 PM »
Dawg, you scare me!  I have two of them...and yes, I did pass this one on to a friend of mine.  :D Hilarious.

I can say, I've been through about a fourth of that list so far... :o

Offline Oniya

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Re: Advice for Parents of Boy's
« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2009, 09:36:20 PM »
Works for grown men too.  I went to a boffer-combat camp-out once where one of the sets of portapotties was a bit overdue for a pumping.  Some genius went to the store and bought two gallon jugs of bleach to clean it.  After all, you use bleach to clean really bad messes, right?

For those who don't know, as body waste ages, it produces ammonia.  They discovered this about halfway through the third portapotty as the first began to smoke.  Badly.

The Executive Board made an announcement that we would not be adding chemical weapons to the rule book.

Offline Caity

Re: Advice for Parents of Boy's
« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2009, 09:57:10 PM »
I can add some:

34.  A whole can of green play-do will not necessarily stop up a standard toilet.
35.  One box of crunched up froot-loops are enough for a 30 pound toddler to make a 'snow' angel on the carpet.
36.  Even the sweetest cat will hiss if it's hit in the foot with a plastic hammer.
37.  Woody and Jessie figurines from Toy Story 2 can go through the washer and dryer with no damage.
38.  A dryer makes an excellent bear cave and is a great source of entertainment for a 2 1/2 year old.
39.  Googly eyes are not just as tasty as candy.
40.  It takes 16 paper towels to soak up all the pee from a full potty seat after it's been dumped on the floor.
41.  Floors that have just been mopped are too enticing to keep a toddler away even if he's slipped and fell three times already.
42.  A 2 1/2 year old boy will play with his wienie no matter who comes over for a visit.
43.  DVDs make great frisbees (renders the DVD nearly useless).
44.  All Halloween costumes should be given away the day after Halloween.
45.  Make sure all toys that make noise have an off button that the child cannot work.
46.  Just half of a five pound bag of flour is enough to create a beach-like environment in the kitchen.
47.  Sticks of deodorant are not meant to be licked.
48.  The Poison Control Center will laugh at you if you call more than three times in one day.
49.  Call the Poison Control Center anyway.
50.  Slats from mini-blinds make good swords.

Offline Mathim

Re: Advice for Parents of Boy's
« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2009, 05:29:18 PM »
51. No matter what, people who don't have kids will always think they can give better advice than parents.
52. People who brag about how great their kids are all the time are the ones who'll end up in nursing homes when they're old and whose kids never call them or visit. So don't get irritated, just smile and enjoy that thought.
53. Make sure you get your kid a Tetanus shot very early on; lots of their injuries that break the skin will be too small to notice.
54. It takes hearing something 36 times to remember it. But it only takes one time hearing a curse word for a young boy to remember it. And the number of times it takes for them to remember NOT to repeat those curse words is still undetermined.
55. Walmart and Target are less kid-friendly than regular grocery stores. Why? Because their candy racks are up where the conveyer belts are on the checkstands, where the kids can't reach them.
56. No matter how much boys complain and argue about going clothes shopping, they'll always complain about the clothes they end up getting.
57. Even though they don't know anything, they're always right no matter what you say.
58. More often than not, though, they know EXACTLY what they've done no matter how young they are. And they know you'll fall for that innocent routine. Beware.
59. Wearing shin guards around the house at all times when you've got a toddler is the best precaution you can take.
60. Do not, under any circumstances, use child-control exercises featured on The Simpsons; for reasons beyond human comprehension, they are not liable for it if you do.

Offline Inkidu

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Re: Advice for Parents of Boy's
« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2009, 06:42:01 PM »
Bleach and Ammonia make a poisonous gas that will kill anything that breaths oxygen. Knock outs are lucky.

61. No matter how much you try to. You cannot explain why a boxing ring is square to a four year-old. 

Offline Duchess

Re: Advice for Parents of Boy's
« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2009, 09:29:54 PM »
oh lord....I'm warned

62. don't put the TV on a wrestling match when he is watching too because you will soon learn that a Flying Elbow Drop or a dropkick are very painful
« Last Edit: January 15, 2009, 09:40:04 PM by Thaleia »

Offline Mathim

Re: Advice for Parents of Boy's
« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2009, 12:15:24 PM »
63. Boys have a photographic memory. But only when it regards comic books or cartoons.
64. Anything painful is never a good punishment. They hurt themselves enough doing stupid things and yet they never stop doing them.
65. Just like you can't prove or disprove that there is a god, you can't prove or disprove the existence of their imaginary/invisible friends.
66. Imaginary friends are even more mischievous. Heat visison goggles are advised.

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Re: Advice for Parents of Boy's
« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2009, 12:24:04 PM »
67. If a four-year-old boy is looking for cows on the sides of roads, do not say they are in the trees up ahead. The four year-old will be mad at you because he saw no tree-dwelling bovine.

Offline Mathim

Re: Advice for Parents of Boy's
« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2009, 01:40:01 PM »
68. Airplanes have the right idea including barf bags on the backs of seats. They are must-have items in cars.
69. If the kid's dad isn't around, make sure to talk to father figures. Someone has to teach them how to zip down their pants to pee, not just dropping their whole britches to do it.
70. Whether you like it or not, sometimes you need to let the kid do something stupid and just stand by and watch so they learn their lesson.
71. You know that if the cops are escorting your kid home before age 15, you're not doing a very good job.

Offline ShrowdedPoet

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Re: Advice for Parents of Boy's
« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2009, 02:02:46 PM »
72.  Get that diaper on quick, they'll not just pee in your face they'll pee in theirs. 
73.  Poo sticks to little boys balls really well and is a pain in the ass to clean off.
74.  When it comes time to potty train the little male monster you can only let your husband do it if you are supervising (cleaning the bathroom after daddys first unsupervised lesson will teach you this).
75.  While adult male and females see clean differently male and female children do not, if there is a mess don't automatically assume it was your son cause likely enough it was your daughter. 
76.  Toy cars hurt when you step on them.
77.  That bad word you say when you step on their toy car will be their new favorite word.
78.  The school will call you when your child says that specific bad word and even if they didn't learn it from you the school will think they did. 
79.  The same goes for legos. . .what a bitch to step on.
80.  Never talk bad about your in-law in their presence because they will tell on you.
81.  They are adorable when they are babys and do little more than sleep, eat, poo, and pee. . .as soon as they learn to move around they turn into little monsters and loose their cute cuddliness.
82.  Mommas boys are cute when they are little and annoying when they are grown. . .so don't ruin your son make sure he's not a Mommas boy.

Offline Mathim

Re: Advice for Parents of Boy's
« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2009, 02:57:00 PM »
83. The only advantage of boys over girls is that you only have to worry about where one penis has been, not every penis in the world.
84. They won't read anything without pictures until they're 15.
85. They will like the same things they like when they were 13 for the rest of their lives.
86. They will conveniently forget all the naughty things they ever did whenever you bring them up after they become adults.
87. Luckily their children will then tell you when they hear Daddy reminiscing and laughing about it.
88. More often than not, the boys on South Park are an accurate reflection of growing up in America, so don't bother keeping them sheltered from that show.

Offline Oniya

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Re: Advice for Parents of Boy's
« Reply #13 on: January 20, 2009, 12:07:40 PM »
89. Biodegradable packing peanuts + water = papermache