Just as an addendum there is a term, that I believe originated in the poly-community, known as 'compersion': the feeling of happiness you get when others are happy. It's sort of the exact opposite of jealousy, which is when you feel upset when others are happy. A triad doesn't need to be sexually 'linked' (i.e., all possible couples having sex with each other at some point), although a truly stable triad will generally have each member feeling compersion for the other two.
(Just like in all relationships, there are times when one might not, but positives dominating the negatives is pretty much a touchstone.)
Oh my, Oniya! Marvelous, darling!!!! I love how you have stated this !!
What you have said here, about compersion, could not be more true, and is key to any kind IMHO of externally-giving social environment or social consciousness you may have towards others. Compersion, the happiness and pride that one feels to see your own closest friends, or "peeps", being happy together around you, is the basis not only of really good poly structures, in whatever dimension of geometry, but the key element in even conventional vanilla binary pairings where the two members just naturally become good parents to kids too. It is that positive and prideful feeling that you get to see other members of your local tribe, in that case your family, becoming and then staying happy in their interpersonal dealings with one another, right there at your doorstep in the family home. It is a quality of you, actually, that is a basic part of your personality, and is a necessary prerequisite for a good "poly" polygonal structure to work and remain stable.
Siblings from a large and happy stable family, for example, armed with plenty of good positive family experiences to outbalance the otherwise usual negative sibling rivalries and such, are generally more easily suited and have a higher natural degree of compersive ability, as a whole, than do single children, or the classic "only-child" family product. In general, of course, and only as I have seen and observed personally over time myself.
In my case, I count myself exceedingly fortunate the this Universe equipped me with a strong and abiding natural tendency toward compersion, or pride in seeing others around me happy, and I draw energy from helping to make it so. That makes me the opposite of isolated, a loner, self-centered or self-serving, or narcissistic, I suppose.
Instead, I naturally feel compersion as my most comfortable state of social equilibrium with those around me. It is what always powered me through high school and college as outgoing, friendly, the life of the party sorta, a leader in on-campus social settings and "X-ities" social membership groups designed to bind students together into a social structure to last a lifetime.
It is what made me a natural nurturing parent, IMHO, and it is regrettably, the very thing that I see so many who live lonely and bitter, self-serving and self-centeredly solitary lives lack for the most part.
That is not to say anyone in our quint is perfect, good dog, I most certainly am not!!! I too have little jealousies that creep in occasionally, all seeded by tiny insecurities left over from childhood. So does everyone else, to some degree. But mine are just that - tiny by comparison to the confidence I have in the promises and representations of the closed poly quint in which I am fortunate to be involved at this moment, and yes, we all five live together in the Center City area of Philadelphia and are all quite happy in any combination of sexual or other lighter play scenarios. It means that none of us ever have to go elsewhere for open compassion and acceptance, company and mentorship, and mutual support, or go anywhere alone unless we want to, and there is that sense of freedom at being able to do just that. It is an extension of what I loved about college, which was always having "peeps" around to hang out with and do things. The entire TV sitcom "friends" was based upon a similar compersion between the primary characters, although there the sexual possibilities and events were watered down almost to the point of triviality to remain rated "G" to PG" in each of their sitcom scripts.
For me, my closed poly quint is exactly the same, like the "friends" TV show, except that among the five of us anything goes as far as physical, as well as social, settings and expressions.
There is a true sense of shared responsibility and concern for not either cheapening or violating the unity and preference we all feel, the "Trust Quotient" as it is called, among the five members, in that we do not go have relationships outside the quint, anymore than a binary married hetero couple would ordinarily go have relationships outside the marriage. There, the structure provides a stupid-level of protection for either of the two parties being lazy, slothful, indulgent and selfish, jealous, and more, and yet it endures.
We feel the closed poly quint takes even more work than a conventional marriage, in terms of effort of its members to regulate behaviors according to the agreed-upon ideal and relationship rules we have self-imposed, but the positive results and benefits for us all are worth far more than the added effort.
There is nothing like a sexy foursome or fivesome among true committed friends who are just as concerned, compassionate, loving and outgoing, and providing of emotional and relationship support and commitment towards one another, as are the best binary married couples. We just have more interesting and varied options for sexual and social combinations that is all, and a built-in big family feeling all the time ")!!!
Yes, we are all five madly in love with the other four, each one of us. Seriously, and sincerely! .....
Love to you, Oniya, All The Love !!!!!!
Elyse
Topic: Polyamory and Me (Read 15080 times)