I apologize in advance for the rambling that's sure to happen here. It's kind of late, I'm thinking at this topic from a lot of different angles, and I'm a little backwards with my thought processes. I usually think things out as I write. It helps me to think about things if I can see what I'm thinking as I think it. It's weird - I tend to math better in my head, and think better on paper. There's probably a better word for that in some language, but I'm pretty sure it's not English. And now I'm already rambling, so let's at least get to the point...
I'm new here.
Well, no, that's not exactly right. Let me try that again.
At the end of 2014, I was new here. And then I didn't come her for a little over a year. So, yeah, I'm still kind of new here. I haven't been involved an RP here. I can't say I've really met anyone here, aside from the moderators who greeted me when I joined. I haven't even decided on a picture yet. I feel like that's usually the first thing people do when they join.
So, what's my problem?
No, that's probably not it. Though I can't imagine it's doing me any favors. I have a few different problems, and it's hard to know where to even start.
Time is one. I'm currently in school, which takes a ton of that. And when I started, I was in school and still working full time. So the idea that I decided to join at all seems a bit silly, looking back. But time shouldn't really be a reason to not be here, since I already waste a ton of it on things that are no more productive than writing, and I still do quite well in school, so that shouldn't stop me.
This site is, like, really big. I suppose I shouldn't state that as a problem, though, since to most people that's a good thing. And honestly, I do think it's great. I think it's amazing how this site does kind of have something for everyone. And despite the fact that it's so big, it seems like a really close-knit community. But I think I'm intimidated by large groups. Especially when I don't know anyone n them. I tend not to hang out in crowds. As a matter of fact, I tend not to hang out with people at all. But that's a totally different problem. I honestly don't consider it a problem either, but I feel like there's some psychology involved in that idea that I'd rather not get into.
I love this site, don't get me wrong. To have such a large, welcoming community on the internet is kind of mind-blowing. I still remember how polite, welcoming, and friendly everyone was during the admission process. I don't know if I've ever met such a nice group of people online before. Shortly after I was accepted, though, I started feeling lost. I believe I made a post about feeling like I might have been in the wrong place. And I was very quickly and definitively assured that I was not, in fact, in the wrong place. Because there was a place for everyone here. And while I don't doubt that there is, I seem to be having a bit of trouble finding mine.
As I mentioned, this site is huge. I'm sure there's a count somewhere of the active users here, and I'd be curious to know what it is. But I'm sure it's definitely more than I'm used to. The only RP community I've ever been a part of before was about 20-strong at its most active. It was also EXTREMELY informal. People would hop into and out of character whenever they felt like it, or when inspiration struck. Outside of that, it was all just chat. It was very relaxed. This place is great, but in comparison it seems a bit formal. I feel like I'm in the middle of a black-tie event in sweatpants and a t-shirt. And that, again, is likely my own fault. I may be looking in the window at the ball and not realizing that the chill party is just downstairs.
That is not to say that formality is bad, mind you. I think it's wonderful. And I would love to go to the ball, eventually. But this RP community that I was part of before ended about 7 years ago, so I'm a bit out of practice. Not just with RP, but with writing in general. Until this past spring, I hadn't written anything creatively since I left college the first time, which was back in 2010. I did have a creative writing class this past year, though, and it was nice. Though satire was the only thing I can actually say that I did legitimately well, I did write two stories - one of which was actually fantasy, with no comedy attached - that I reread recently and didn't want to immediately vomit. So that's a pretty good sign, I guess. However, collaborative writing is a very different skill than individual writing, so I'm pretty sure it doesn't translate directly.
I'm not really sure what I want. I think that's always been a problem of mine, and it's really not doing me any favors here. One suggestion I got my first time around this rodeo was that the best way to find the kind of things that you're looking for is to broadcast it. I was told to add interests and preferences and turn-ons and turn-offs and whosits and whatsits galore. And holy damn, there were a lot of them. I didn't, however, see an option for "interactive storytelling with friends." Because beyond that, there really isn't anything more specific that I'm looking for. Overt sexuality makes me kind of uncomfortable. (Probably another psychological issue. When I have money, a therapist might be a good investment.) Because of that, I'm not really looking for sexual RP. That being said, however, it was kind of an important part of the RP community I was in before. I don't know, maybe I used to be a more sexual person. Or maybe I still am, and I just need to be more comfortable first. I don't know. I really have no idea what I'm looking to do here.
No, that's not true either. I know exactly why I joined this site in the first place. I missed my characters. There weren't a lot. But they meant something to me. I felt like they had more stories to tell. More growing to do. Hell, if nothing else, I really liked their names. Couldn't just flush those down the toilet, could I? But I feel like I'm upping the difficulty level for myself with that. Like, rather than looking to develop something with other people here, all I'm hoping to do is hop into some RP with some characters I've already made, backstories that have already been established, and agendas that nobody really cares about because they're way too specific to something that no longer exists. And that doesn't help me very much. I could make more characters, sure. But then that defeats the initial purpose. It's a conundrum.
Jesus Christ, Danny, are you done yet?
I don't know, did this have a purpose? Did anyone make it through it all? God, I hope not. If so, I sincerely apologize for wasting your time. And for any spelling/grammar errors. It's very late, and I didn't stop much. I think I started this with the intent of asking someone for advise, but with what, I have no idea. Probably everything. I honestly have no clue if this is even the right forum for this, but I wouldn't even know how to go about finding the right one if it isn't. There probably isn't one. I probably should chuck it, but I've kind of put a lot of time into it, and if I do that then I've wasted all of it. Should I add a warning to this? WARNING: Not for the easily bored. Is that a thing I can even do? I'm really newbing hard in this place. Newbing around. Newbing about town. That's a good title for this post. Or a horrible one, but I wouldn't know. I feel like The Mask, somebody stop me.