Heh. If I was only allowed to use a single word to summarize my greatest obstacle in life, I know exactly which one it would be. Distance
Be it literal (geographically) or in social situations, there was always that block that prevented any sort of true connections from happening. That understanding that people wouldn't 'get it' if I tried putting it into words or somehow painting the picture in another way. Of course, I still make the attempt from time to time. That "Can't Quit
" mentality that Dad had continuously structured in my heart has unfortunately left some problems all on their own. Problems that I've been well aware of, yet still struggle to control when trying to keep my perspective in the current moment. The reality of it is that sometimes all you can do after any setback is accept it and move forward, rather than going back to try to fix or recover what was lost. It's hard to let go of things when you have a mentality like mine, because it can be very easy to blur the lines between giving up and letting go. I guess my father and I aren't so different in that regard. He's a handyman, he's used to being able to fix things or figure out how to solve a problem... even if it is only a temporary solution.
The wise man in me knows it. Letting go does not necessarily mean giving up on yourself
, even if it is giving up on something you may have lost along the way. And not every setback imparts wisdom, either. Sometimes all that one can learn from defeat is that they have been defeated for that moment. But even knowing it within yourself, it doesn't exactly make it simple to balance and grasp on every situation. It is not something you can simply apply in one direction with every problem you face in life. It's a judgement call you have to make every time you run into it and it's only harder to handle when you have abandonment issues.
I try to understand and tell myself is that I simply walk a different road, with a different hand drawn from the deck of life. All anyone can do is play the hands that life deals you, or it least... that is how I have lived life for 29 years now. Heh, it feels cruelly ironic to me. I have similar joys, hobbies, dreams, pains, struggles and griefs in life as many others do on a general level, however it's like I was born in the wrong time and raised for a different kind of culture. Too "old school", for some... yet too unorthodox (and complex) for most of the little bros and young divas that gospel their reasons to be offended or "fed up" with some really superficial things. And I'm not even going to get into the cultural double standards that people complain about yet re-affirm (or do nothing to change) the status quo. That grinds my gears enough for a whole other blog entry altogether. The point to take from this paragraph is that I've always went against the grain... not simply because I wish to be different but simply because I knew
that this was the direction I... we
needed to be going.
"You are so unique, Dallas!" Mother has a habit of saying. This may be true, but being unique or "special" comes at a price. People have a hard time understanding when you walk a different life, including its different treasures and problems with it. It always created a distance between myself and most people. Combined with 'Twin Spirits' and the "Born in a Different Time and World' thing, it doesn't exactly make me relatable. But who knows? Maybe there is someone like me out there. And if not, someone that can understand or appreciate what I am. People can be damaged and from there they can make a choice. They can choose to put themselves back together to make something even better
, or they can prepare glib excuses from their past to justify the present. And in putting yourself back together, you may not become perfect by the worlds standards... but I'd like to think that you become perfect in your own standards. Perfectly you, something that the world cannot take away unless you allow it. A window can be broken and put back together like mosaic stained glass art. The result may even be to ones liking after fixing what was once thought of as perfect.
It is with this hopeful mindset that I one day might conquer this distance I seem to have with others. This hope that one day I might be surrounded by a wonderful group of friends in my life that see that something can be "damaged" or "abnormal" and still remain wonderful all around. One might say that this is my greatest hope that I have left.
On the Music
: While I'm not huge Guns N' Roses fan, I do absolutely love this song!