Julietta's Life Blog

[JuliettaRossi]

So, previous to this I had a blog named

Submission, Codependence and Relationships

https://elliquiy.com/forums/index.php?topic=176342.0

. Getting some of those things out into a writing format was extremely helpful during those times I really needed it. It's been a while since then. We've gotten through a lot. A brief update:

We're still together. This November will be 10 years. Still not married. (No, I don't need condolences, congrats, advice, questions on reasons why, etc.) I started a new job 2 years ago November, which was more in tune to what I wanted to be doing.  I'm still doing it. It's 'medical-field -adjacent' as we like to say. I deal with medical supplies, which I grew up learning about from my mother who was a purchasing manager for a nursing home, so this was stuff I always knew (and I stayed 'in' the medical arena doing stuff like candy-striping, volunteering, etc). We’ve gone through a lot of deaths in his family, which have been really hard and have brought about some medical-related changes that have been long-coming. Long-story short on that, outside of a bad back, he’s relatively healthy. I’ve had some health stuff, but as well, other than some back problems, also, healthy. Yay.

We moved. Bigger place, all of our stuff in one place, which is nice, but at the same time, good gosh. We have a back yard. I would love to do some gardening, but Florida weather is a killer. So are the insects (mainly wasps and mosquitoes). It’s finally starting to cool off though, so hopefully I’ll be able to get into doing more of that.

As far as the kink world goes, we are still going to the local dungeon. Not as frequently. We recently cut ties with another female who proved to be a little too far on the crazy scale for us. It was like a weight being lifted when ties were cut with her. We’ve gone to a few more conventions. Met some more people. I’ve gotten a bit more vocal about who I do and do not like and who I outright do not approve of (when they completely ignore me and hang all over my fiancée…I have issues…) . I’ve gotten a little better at expressing myself. He says he doesn’t see it. I say he’s blind. I have to spell it out for him most of the time. When I do, he starts to see it, but he also doesn’t see himself as desirable (everyone has their self-image problems…) so he doesn’t understand how I see this. I try to explain it like this…We live in a place where we are TEEMING with female submissives in a time and a place where being a female submissive is highly desirable, but there are a low amount of unattached male Doms. Now…time has proven over and over again that many females don’t care that you are attached or not. They want a Dom and are willing to do ANYTHING to get one. They don’t care about whatever relationship you might have already in place. Now, not all females are like this. Yes, I’ve had a few BAD experiences. Ok, more than a few with more than a few men in my time, however, it doesn’t change the face of where we are and the observations taking place (Which is what I’m basing this statement on).

We have talked about not including anyone into our dynamic for a good long while – outside of a possible third and that third being male. Women bring on too much drama. Trust is a hard issue. It’s a hard-won item in my honest opinion. Once lost, it’s usually lost for good.

Also on the note of kink and conventions we’ve been doing a lot more vendor oriented stuff. We’ve paired up with a local couple who do leather work. My Sir makes impact  toys as well as bootblack brushes/shave brushes and razors and I make shave soap, so we’ve been working on expanding the business that way as well as having fun at conventions. I’ve been able to write about some of my experiences at those conventions for The Herald.

With the previous blog I was writing about codependency. I haven’t stopped with recovery. I still go to meetings, but I’ve stopped going to CODA meetings. They got to be monotonous and once I started my new job and my hours changed it got harder to get across town and be there on time if at all. It’s also hard going to a meeting where they tell you to get a sponsor but no one wants to take on that responsibility (because it might be seen as being codependent), so no one sponsors anyone and no one has a sponsor, so…yeah. After a while, it seemed pretty friggin silly. I now go to Recovery in the Lifestyle (RitL) meetings as my main meeting even though they are meant to be supplementary. We’re a pretty good core group that meet at the local dungeon and we’ve met at some of the other conventions we’ve gone to as well. It’s a lot easier to open up to people about things going on – especially when they may/more than likely have a lifestyle bend to them – when they understand they lifestyle and aren’t going to be shocked at the things you are going to describe/say. I’m still codependent. I’ve learned ways to deal with it. I’ve developed tools over the past two years – some learned in CODA, some going to NA meetings with others, some going to RitL meetings, some from everyday life, some from Non-Violent Communication (NVC) skills being taught by a couple of friends.

I have learned I am a submissive and not a slave. (Yes, there is a difference and there are many sub-categories within)

I have learned that I am an alpha at work but I can quickly be brought to my knees. (More on that later.)

I have learned that trust is a huge component of my relationships. When that is gone, other components of my relationships falter, fester and wither.

Manipulation is a tool of an addict. Always and forever.

Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is self-care. If you are not taking care of yourself, then you are not taking care of the person who should be the #1 priority. If you are not well, you don’t function at your best and cannot be expected to do your best. If you Dom/Sir expects you to do anything other than take care of yourself FIRST – if he expects you to not take care of yourself and instead take care of him/her…there are problems. (And is this your perception or their words?) <This is also Rule #1 – Take care of the Property.>

[JuliettaRossi]

It's been a long time since I've been on here. A LOT has happened in the time since I last posted and once again, it's life troubles, relationship issues, etc bringing me back again. I need to write again. I've missed it so much. I've missed collaborating. I stepped away because the OOC conversations were bothering my fiancee - even if they weren't sexual in nature, which they were essentially completely non-sexual unless it was talking about how we wanted the story to progress. We're still together. Over 14 years now. Once again, we've had problems with his infidelity. We still aren't married, so I guess there is that. No divorce to pay for if we were go our own ways. More on that later.

I no longer work for the company I was with in the last post either. I made the jump a couple of months ago to a new company and a new position - still 'medical-field adjacent' but a step onto a different plane. We've moved 3 more times in this span of time as well, including a stop over to stay with family for about 6 months until we could no longer stand one another. We're in a smaller place, still have boxes all over the place, the garage is packed with stuff. The clutter is making me crazy(ier).

We are still going to the dungeon, although even less frequently. This will likely be changing though. We're also attending poly events. In the last post I know I said we would be holding off for a while. It's been almost 4 years. He says he's poly, but can't handle committed relationships. (So...not poly - just can't keep his dick in his pants...he didn't like it when I said that to him). We've been fighting, crying, struggling, striving to make this work. He said he didn't bring up being poly since the last (and only) relationship with the fucking nutjob we had for all of like 3 weeks, because he didn't think I would be okay with it. We've played with others, couple swapped/4-somes, almost included a 3rd a few years back. We talked to the owner of the local dungeon. He helped us with a bit of relationship stuff, but there's only so much someone from outside the couple working on their own relationship can do about their situation.

I think I surprised him with the fact that I was the one to look into the poly events, the meetups, the information on poly relationships. We're still in a holding pattern - still strained. still having problems. It's not like this is going to "clear up" or be fixed anytime soon since he's still cheating with the same woman. Working on relationships, and in particular, any time he's fucked up everything in the past, has taken a while to get past. This one is going to take a lot more I think. No, I know...

I've invested 14 years into this. We've seen each other through a lot of shit in all this time - from child custody battles, divorce and death to his mental health issues, physical health issues, shooting himself in the hand a couple of years ago (lovely Glocks...) in our dining room by accident, job changes, multiple moves, a money problems. We've had so much good time together - the trips we've taken, the time we've spent together, the intimate and not so intimate times we've spent together... But at the end of the day I'm still having to put up with him texting and calling and going to see this woman who fucked up her own marriage as well. She's been sleeping with her soon-to-be ex-husband's friends, picking up people at her NA meeting (gotta love 13th steppers) and the people in the neighborhood. She's doesn't care about exposing her kid to the ever-changing trail of men coming through the house to fuck his mom while she masquerades as an author of parenting books and "why she's cheating on you" blogs which her husband had no clue about. How do I know all this? When I found out about the cheating I found her, and I found her soon to be ex (not knowing they had just split because of her frequent and multiple infidelities and lies) and we talked about everything going on. He sent me photos of our car siting in their driveway, told me about the brazenness of soon to be ex (she even invited a lover to her wedding), we compared notes, etc. Of course, none of the information about her sleeping with multiple other people has changed my fiancee's mind. I had him get a blood test and luckily that came back clear.

I'm not opposed to poly. I like playing with others - but with my fiancee. We need to do this smart though. No rushing into shit like we did years ago. It will be done together, which we already agreed upon. Hopefully, with education and talking with people he will come to understand what he wants.  While I hope we are able to work things out, I'm preparing for the alternative. I've been considering selling everything and going back on the road with the renaissance festivals. The job I've started, I'll be taking my licensing exam next month. It's a job I can do remotely after a while. If we do go our separate ways, I'll need a vehicle, a roommate and some other changes to make things work. Then I can work on going remote and traveling - getting the hell out of here and traveling like I've been dreaming of, but doing it smarter.

Life is about ups and downs. It's about adventure, upset, intrigue, happiness and all the other feelings and experiences out there. I'm no longer in my comfort zone and it doesn't feel half bad. It's scary as hell - don't get me wrong. There have been a lot of tears, anger and upset over the past few weeks. There has also been meeting new people, delving into MY feelings and MY wants, back into the remembrance of my past life and what I can do now that I'm a bit older. With every obstacle I've grown. Growth is NOT comfortable. Growth is hard and messy and sometimes anguishing. Sometimes though it can become rainbows and unicorns...