So, previous to this I had a blog named
. Getting some of those things out into a writing format was extremely helpful during those times I really needed it. It's been a while since then. We've gotten through a lot. A brief update:
We're still together. This November will be 10 years. Still not married. (No, I don't need condolences, congrats, advice, questions on reasons why, etc.) I started a new job 2 years ago November, which was more in tune to what I wanted to be doing. I'm still doing it. It's 'medical-field -adjacent' as we like to say. I deal with medical supplies, which I grew up learning about from my mother who was a purchasing manager for a nursing home, so this was stuff I always knew (and I stayed 'in' the medical arena doing stuff like candy-striping, volunteering, etc). We’ve gone through a lot of deaths in his family, which have been really hard and have brought about some medical-related changes that have been long-coming. Long-story short on that, outside of a bad back, he’s relatively healthy. I’ve had some health stuff, but as well, other than some back problems, also, healthy. Yay.
We moved. Bigger place, all of our stuff in one place, which is nice, but at the same time, good gosh. We have a back yard. I would love to do some gardening, but Florida weather is a killer. So are the insects (mainly wasps and mosquitoes). It’s finally starting to cool off though, so hopefully I’ll be able to get into doing more of that.
As far as the kink world goes, we are still going to the local dungeon. Not as frequently. We recently cut ties with another female who proved to be a little too far on the crazy scale for us. It was like a weight being lifted when ties were cut with her. We’ve gone to a few more conventions. Met some more people. I’ve gotten a bit more vocal about who I do and do not like and who I outright do not approve of (when they completely ignore me and hang all over my fiancée…I have issues…) . I’ve gotten a little better at expressing myself. He says he doesn’t see it. I say he’s blind. I have to spell it out for him most of the time. When I do, he starts to see it, but he also doesn’t see himself as desirable (everyone has their self-image problems…) so he doesn’t understand how I see this. I try to explain it like this…We live in a place where we are TEEMING with female submissives in a time and a place where being a female submissive is highly desirable, but there are a low amount of unattached male Doms. Now…time has proven over and over again that many females don’t care that you are attached or not. They want a Dom and are willing to do ANYTHING to get one. They don’t care about whatever relationship you might have already in place. Now, not all females are like this. Yes, I’ve had a few BAD experiences. Ok, more than a few with more than a few men in my time, however, it doesn’t change the face of where we are and the observations taking place (Which is what I’m basing this statement on).
We have talked about not including anyone into our dynamic for a good long while – outside of a possible third and that third being male. Women bring on too much drama. Trust is a hard issue. It’s a hard-won item in my honest opinion. Once lost, it’s usually lost for good.
Also on the note of kink and conventions we’ve been doing a lot more vendor oriented stuff. We’ve paired up with a local couple who do leather work. My Sir makes impact toys as well as bootblack brushes/shave brushes and razors and I make shave soap, so we’ve been working on expanding the business that way as well as having fun at conventions. I’ve been able to write about some of my experiences at those conventions for The Herald.
With the previous blog I was writing about codependency. I haven’t stopped with recovery. I still go to meetings, but I’ve stopped going to CODA meetings. They got to be monotonous and once I started my new job and my hours changed it got harder to get across town and be there on time if at all. It’s also hard going to a meeting where they tell you to get a sponsor but no one wants to take on that responsibility (because it might be seen as being codependent), so no one sponsors anyone and no one has a sponsor, so…yeah. After a while, it seemed pretty friggin silly. I now go to Recovery in the Lifestyle (RitL) meetings as my main meeting even though they are meant to be supplementary. We’re a pretty good core group that meet at the local dungeon and we’ve met at some of the other conventions we’ve gone to as well. It’s a lot easier to open up to people about things going on – especially when they may/more than likely have a lifestyle bend to them – when they understand they lifestyle and aren’t going to be shocked at the things you are going to describe/say. I’m still codependent. I’ve learned ways to deal with it. I’ve developed tools over the past two years – some learned in CODA, some going to NA meetings with others, some going to RitL meetings, some from everyday life, some from Non-Violent Communication (NVC) skills being taught by a couple of friends.
I have learned I am a submissive and not a slave. (Yes, there is a difference and there are many sub-categories within)
I have learned that I am an alpha at work but I can quickly be brought to my knees. (More on that later.)
I have learned that trust is a huge component of my relationships. When that is gone, other components of my relationships falter, fester and wither.
Manipulation is a tool of an addict. Always and forever.
Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is self-care. If you are not taking care of yourself, then you are not taking care of the person who should be the #1 priority. If you are not well, you don’t function at your best and cannot be expected to do your best. If you Dom/Sir expects you to do anything other than take care of yourself FIRST – if he expects you to not take care of yourself and instead take care of him/her…there are problems. (And is this your perception or their words?) <This is also Rule #1 – Take care of the Property.>