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Author Topic: Story time with Chaos  (Read 1389 times)

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Offline Boatman

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Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #50 on: July 22, 2014, 01:38:29 AM »
But unbeknown to the wild Snorlax, it was intolerant to sugar which brought on a diabetic coma just as he was about to eat the great Donut. "Another Miracle," the remaining followers cried. On hearing of this, the Ruler of the Great Empire (who was exactly twelve inches long) banned all thought, talk and worship of donuts. Anyone found to secretly like donuts was to be made to carry a giant hot cross bun until they snuffed it.

Offline TheWhiteEmperor

Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #51 on: July 22, 2014, 04:24:17 AM »
Alas, with the new age being ushered in, times grew old and the decline of the Donut religion forced the Great Donut to crinkle and acquire a fuzzy, moldy shell. All the while, the Ruler of the Great Empire was coming of an elderly age and there were many worthy men vying for the title. As the time stretched, so did the Snorlax and with the scratch of his belly, roused and left the stale Donut in its temple.

Offline FierceChaosTopic starter

Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #52 on: July 22, 2014, 04:34:28 AM »
The wild Snorlax had just left the donut kingdom. When the almost forgotten pancake people rose up and slaughtered every man, woman, and child donut in the city, effectively ending the donut reign forever.

Offline syk

Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #53 on: July 22, 2014, 11:21:25 AM »
Related only by the web of Chaos, on the other side of the kingdom a fish jumped in a lake, making a small plop-splish sound. This sound, though small and insignificant caught the attention of a wandering wizard who had just happened to be near by at the time. This moment of distraction caused him to botch a rather long and complicated raise dead spell, as a result all the skeletons in the area clawed their way up out of the earth and proceeded to dance the mamushka and various kazak folk dances.

Offline Boatman

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Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #54 on: July 22, 2014, 03:18:33 PM »
Which was captured as fiction, although actually reality, in the antiquated film 'Jason and the Argonauts' (in colour).

Offline FierceChaosTopic starter

Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #55 on: July 24, 2014, 01:25:32 PM »
On the other side of the world a king was sitting on his iron throne contemplating why do they make thrones so uncomfortable. 

Offline syk

Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #56 on: July 24, 2014, 01:27:43 PM »
Meanwhile an iron throne was sitting beneath a king wondering why they made kings so fat and smelly.

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Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #57 on: July 24, 2014, 01:52:29 PM »
And in it was nesting the scone of Destiny (which confusingly was from a place called Scone), which didn't have a nose.

Offline syk

Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #58 on: July 24, 2014, 01:55:15 PM »
And without having a nose couldn't share in the thrones plight, but otherwise they were fairly good friends, having no one to talk to really but each other, as that jerk of a king never talked to them.

Offline Boatman

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Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #59 on: July 24, 2014, 02:01:54 PM »
Then one day the king became so fat he was unable to do anything except eat what his servants brought him and intermittently gas those who lived under the chair. So he announced a quest.


(http://www.educationscotland.gov.uk/scotlandshistory/warsofindependence/stoneofscone/index.asp)

Offline syk

Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #60 on: July 24, 2014, 02:08:34 PM »
(Hey, didn't they steal that in a movie?)

The throne and scone, in their pitiable bondage were forced to listen to the tiresome speech during which the king announced the quest, promising his own son's hand in marriage to the adventurous soul capable of making the journey across the sea and through untold danger to the mouth of  Haderrmolk, the mighty volcano, to gather some of the ash that spewed from its hellish depths. For the ash was rumored to be the softest thing in all creation and the king had grown tired of the way the iron throne poked and cut into his rolls so uncomfortably.

Offline Boatman

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Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #61 on: July 24, 2014, 02:23:58 PM »
And so it came to pass that a poor serving maid distantly related to Cinderella decided she would like to go on the quest and marry the prince, even though he was a bit of a loud mouthed prat. She reasoned that if she got her hands on his wealth and power, she could use these to help poor people in the kingdom. And she also rather fancied having some of the soft ash for her rough skin. So she dressed as a man, thinking only men could go on quests, and came before the king turned up at the auditions.

Offline syk

Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #62 on: July 24, 2014, 02:33:50 PM »
Fidgeting nervously with her fake mustache she felt out of place in the hoard of rough looking mercenaries that had turned up for the auditions. She was worried she wouldn't even make it to the front of the line as she was constantly being pushed to the side by the large, brutish men and women. If she didn't think of something, her one real opportunity for a better life would be gone without her even getting to see it.

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Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #63 on: July 24, 2014, 02:52:44 PM »
As it happens, the king had hired a panel of celebrities to whittle down the contestants in a novel game show take on questing. The first challenge pulled randomly off the abacus computer was to wash up dishes from the previous night's digustingly gluttonous feast. The serving maid's moustache twitched with unforseen excitement.

Offline syk

Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #64 on: July 24, 2014, 02:55:09 PM »
Could fate have been more clever, for surely there was no one amongst the barbarians that could handle dishes with speed and grace as she could. When at long last it came to her turn she rolled up her sleeves and set about the chore with gusto, slipping into habitual song as the scrubbed and rinsed and stacked with ferocious efficiency.

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Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #65 on: July 24, 2014, 03:18:21 PM »
The barbarian warriors twirled their weapons and dealt fatal blows to stacked crockery to their left and right, carving a ketchup stained path through the dirty dishes. That is all except for a senstive young knight who had dreamed of a neat and tidy world.

Offline syk

Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #66 on: July 24, 2014, 03:22:28 PM »
For this young sir the most difficult part of the dish challenge was tying back his locks, which seemed to be ever caught in some soft breeze that gently moved them and nothing else, so they did not become sullied. Taming his glistening mane was no easy task, but all of the judges seemed taken with his luscious hair that they gave him extra points. 

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Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #67 on: July 24, 2014, 03:51:26 PM »
The barbarian warrior heroes soon became bored with smashing plates to dust and fell to fighting each another. They groaned and yelled and grunted and swore and sweated until they had reduced one another to a messy twitching red pulp, which the maid joyfully cleared up. Before long only two remained to face the final selection challenge.

Offline syk

Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #68 on: July 24, 2014, 04:05:48 PM »
The second challenge was painting a realistic yet flattering portrait of the king. The two remaining contestants exchanged nervous glances, and even the judges seemed worried.

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Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #69 on: July 24, 2014, 04:44:34 PM »
Luckily, both finalists are given the night to prepare, whilst the king is given a scrub and hose down before having his excess hair plucked and fat strapped up. That evening the maid was doing some hobby dusting around the palace when she discovered a painting of the king as a young man. 'Aha,' she thought, 'I'll use that.' The sensitive young man with the flowing hair had quite a different plan.

Offline syk

Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #70 on: July 24, 2014, 04:59:56 PM »
The dashing young knight, whose name happened to be Emmet, had formulated what in his mind was the most cunning plan of all. All he needed was a mirror, a head of cabbage, six marbles, a live herring, and a feather pillow.

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Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #71 on: July 24, 2014, 05:10:27 PM »
All these items bar one he traded for a magic potion from the hermit wise woman which he slipped into the decanter of wine the judges were refilling their glasses from. The drug had the desired effect.

Offline syk

Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #72 on: July 24, 2014, 05:22:50 PM »
The eyes of the judges slowly turned purple, indicating the potion had taken effect. So, with his best salesman smile he presented the mirror before the king as his portrait. The judges oohed and aahed, under the insidious grip of potion. Emmet painstakingly described the minute technique required for the painting, spinning a line of bull so intricate and so fine it was almost irresistible.

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Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #73 on: July 24, 2014, 05:31:51 PM »
Unfortunately, the judges entirely lost their concentration as the unrefined second grade potion turned them into gibbering idiots, which ironically enhanced their celebrity status with the public. In their indecision, the judges concluded that both contestants should go on the quest and the one who returned with the ash first would have the hand of the prince. (It was not made clear if the runner up would get the rest of him)

Offline syk

Re: Story time with Chaos
« Reply #74 on: July 24, 2014, 05:40:19 PM »
The two set off on this dangerous quest. The young but extremely efficient maid still wearing her mustache and Emmet the knight with his hair billowing majestically behind him. Madilynn, the maid, found the gorgeous hair to be quite distracting and twirled her false mustache vigorously, trying to keep her mind off it. There journey was fairly uneventful until one day during their sea crossing.