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Author Topic: Looking for feedback  (Read 1492 times)

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Offline persephone325Topic starter

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Looking for feedback
« on: June 30, 2014, 07:29:48 PM »
Alrighty. So I've been working on a world in the WB forum. It's still not done, and I'm not sure when it will be done. I'm looking forward to making it into a game at some point.

But before I do, I'd like some feedback about it. Mainly, if things are confusing or don't make sense. Usually, things make sense in my head, but when I write them out they can sometimes come out jumbled or weird.

So it's my first extensive in depth try at making a really fun and interesting looking game. You can either give feedback here, or PM it to me.

A few points of note:
~This is not the finished product! So please take that into account when giving feedback.
~I will most likely not be adding any new playable races.
~Race descriptions/interpretations are my own. They're compiled from information found on the internet, in movies, and books. I've taken aspects from how each race is portrayed in different media, and sort of blended them together. While it's most likely not seamless, it's my own interpretation.

Link here!
« Last Edit: July 14, 2014, 04:41:55 AM by persephone325 »

Offline Ariel

Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2014, 07:46:01 PM »
*whispers*

Include the link so it's an easy navigation process.

 O:)

Offline persephone325Topic starter

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2014, 07:51:51 PM »
That might help...

Anvia

I have it linked in my signature as well. I meant to put that in. But I forgot.

Offline Rogue

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2014, 08:40:09 PM »
I'm going to make random comments as I read lest I forget them:

Anvia's weather is normal: Might I suggest Temperate instead? Normal for me means no snow in winter. "Normal" is a very heavy handed term. I'm also going to suggest summer droughts as you mentioned summer showers being less frequent. If the rains are lighter than normal in spring, an August drought might be troublesome for crops.

Also, your second post is all kind of jumbled together it feels like. Maybe label one section climate and general geography. Then general traditions with sub headings for each race when they differ, such as with the funeral bit. Maybe make some traditions for the weddings that differ? I can imagine a Fae wedding and a human wedding being very different.

Other then that, let me know when this is up. I like it. :)


Offline persephone325Topic starter

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2014, 09:20:05 PM »
I'm going to make random comments as I read lest I forget them:

Anvia's weather is normal: Might I suggest Temperate instead? Normal for me means no snow in winter. "Normal" is a very heavy handed term. I'm also going to suggest summer droughts as you mentioned summer showers being less frequent. If the rains are lighter than normal in spring, an August drought might be troublesome for crops.

Also, your second post is all kind of jumbled together it feels like. Maybe label one section climate and general geography. Then general traditions with sub headings for each race when they differ, such as with the funeral bit. Maybe make some traditions for the weddings that differ? I can imagine a Fae wedding and a human wedding being very different.

Other then that, let me know when this is up. I like it. :)



Weather suggestions make sense. I didn't think about that, to be honest.

As for the second post, I'm actually working off this list: http://www.springhole.net/writing/country-questions.htm

Which is why it probably looks like a confusing mess. XD Thank you, Rogue! I do hope you join once it's up and running. <3

Offline Rogue

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2014, 09:27:33 PM »
.... *bookmarks that page*

It's fine. That's why you put it up for help after all. :)

Offline Oniya

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2014, 09:28:25 PM »
Just something to think about - are there any gods that are in charge of the darker aspects of life?  Gods that are not so much worshiped as 'appeased'.  Something like making an offering to keep _______ from causing [insert disaster here]?

Offline persephone325Topic starter

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #7 on: June 30, 2014, 09:32:33 PM »
Just something to think about - are there any gods that are in charge of the darker aspects of life?  Gods that are not so much worshiped as 'appeased'.  Something like making an offering to keep _______ from causing [insert disaster here]?

Oh! Good idea! I hadn't thought about that.

Offline consortium11

Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2014, 05:34:47 AM »
I guess the key thing for me is that I struggle to see why human's would come to Anvia to begin with or remain there.

We're told that the founding purpose of Anvia is (regarding the Emperor and Empress) "They created Anvia so that all species of supernatural creatures could coexist without regular humans living in fear of, or trying to eradicate them."

But...

We're told that because vampire pregnancies are rare they turn humans to keep their numbers up (are the humans turned willingly?). We're told that when a vampire turns 18 (pure blood vampire only? 18 years after a human is turned?) they go out and hunt their prey (presumably humans?). We're told that werewolves do something similar (again, presumably humans)... and considering the high pregnancy rate, quick pregnancies, lust filled lives and large litters there's going to be a lot of werewolves around. We're told that vampires cannot survive on human food (at least by implication from the Dhamphiri entry) and thus presumably must drink blood (human? Given willingly?).

Frankly, as a human on Anvia I get the sense that you're pretty much just prey and foodstock for vampires and werewolves; I'd certainly live in fear of them if every night I've got to worry about whether a group of 18 year old werewolves have been sent out to kill someone or if a peckish vampire is going to fly in and try to drain me.

Offline Rogue

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #9 on: July 01, 2014, 09:43:35 AM »
My thought process is these are the humans/the offspring of the humans who wanted to help the different races, who held no prejudice against them. Or else, people who were already living there and have no choice in the matter and the generations after lost the prejudice associated with werewolves, vampires and fae. Vampires aren't considered a feared creature, so perhaps have it be a very special thing to be chosen to be turned?

Offline persephone325Topic starter

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #10 on: July 01, 2014, 04:16:52 PM »
This is still a work in progress, and not everything is fully explained yet.

Vampires and wolves don't hunt humans. They hunt animals in the wooded areas. Rogue pretty much read my mind. Humans in Anvia stay there because there are laws that protect them against being hunted by other creatures. Just as there are laws that protect vampires and wolves from being hunted by humans.

And not all humans are "just human". There are witches in that sub-class, and it's perfectly reasonable for them to choose to cast protection magic over themselves, or a loved one, if they feel threatened.

Quote
Citizens are considered adults at the age of 18. Each race has its own rite of passage, or coming of age ritual. Wolves will send the new adult out into the woods to hunt and kill its first prey. Vampires have a similar ritual.

^From the second post of the thread.

Also, there is a hospital in Anvia that treats the sick/wounded/dying/etc. So it's safe to say that vampires can, and probably do, get a supply of blood packs to sustain themselves. If they want human blood. As of now, vampires prefer to drink from the animals in the woods. Everyone in Anvia wants to keep the peace, considering it worked well to start with. And they're still piecing their lives back together from The Rebellion that happened two years ago.

In short, everyone in Anvia is there because they want to be there. And their safety is assured.

Offline persephone325Topic starter

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #11 on: July 14, 2014, 04:41:19 AM »
I've tweaked things, as I've found some of the suggestions to be very useful. I've also added some new information, and am in the process of putting laws into place for each of the races.

Everything is still a work in progress. And the second post is still clumped together. But I can expand on the information there in other posts.

Thank you Oniya and Rogue for your suggestions, which I've added!

Offline persephone325Topic starter

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #12 on: July 31, 2014, 04:13:59 AM »
I fixed a bunch of things, added more stuff, and made that second post WAY less of a confusing mess. I feel like it's close to completion! I've worked so hard. ^^

Though I do feel like I might be missing something. Specifically in the character sheets... I just can't put my finger on it! If anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to let me know.

Offline persephone325Topic starter

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #13 on: December 18, 2015, 01:06:29 AM »
Kinda want to just bump this. I've tried on several different occasions to get this started, and just...nothing.

I just want to know what might be steering people away from the game. Is it too information heavy? Too rigid? Too weird?

I worked really hard on this and felt like it would be a fun game. However, I'm a bit disheartened by the lack of interest. (Not complaining or anything. Just wondering what, if anything, should be/needs to be changed.)

Offline Kythia

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #14 on: December 18, 2015, 11:33:42 AM »
So, I didn't read it all but that's kinda my feedback - boy is that wall o'text-y.  Feels like I need to set aside an afternoon and take notes!  Could you include some images and whatnot to break it up a bit?

Offline persephone325Topic starter

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #15 on: December 18, 2015, 01:29:47 PM »
So, I didn't read it all but that's kinda my feedback - boy is that wall o'text-y.  Feels like I need to set aside an afternoon and take notes!  Could you include some images and whatnot to break it up a bit?

Oh wow. I can't believe I didn't even think of that before... >.<

Offline Blythe

Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #16 on: December 18, 2015, 01:34:21 PM »
I don't know if this will help the wall o' text feeling, persephone, but you seem to have placed some information twice. The information FAQ in this post seems to be duplicated to some degree further down here. Removing one of these might reduce the amount of reading?

Offline RedPhoenix

Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #17 on: December 18, 2015, 01:36:04 PM »
So, I didn't read it all but that's kinda my feedback - boy is that wall o'text-y. 

Being 100% honest, this was my initial reaction too. "Hey persephone wants feedback ok I'll just ... wow that's a lot."

It's a sort of knee jerk negative for me especially if someone was looking for people to play in a world because my experience has been:
- The more of a world that is already established, the more likely I am to screw something up with character creation.
- The more detail an author has put into a world the more likely they are to care that I screwed something up with character creation.
- The game tends to be a long series of "you can't do that" or "they wouldn't work that way" or "x species would do never do y activity with z species"

I'm not saying you would do any of those things, I'm just saying that's my experience and that's why I personally probably wouldn't want to put in all the work to understand the very deep world knowing I'd more than likely miss something and have to do it all over again and then end up not really liking it anyway.

Have you thought about a "less is more" approach to advertising? Put just the bare minimum that players need to know in your looking for post and have the rest of it be like a 'wiki' that people can use if they need to but isn't required?

Offline persephone325Topic starter

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #18 on: December 18, 2015, 01:45:07 PM »
I don't know if this will help the wall o' text feeling, persephone, but you seem to have placed some information twice. The information FAQ in this post seems to be duplicated to some degree further down here. Removing one of these might reduce the amount of reading?

Ah! I probably should have specified that the link was for the WB thread. The second link you're referring to is the opening post I had for when I was recruiting. I'm sorry for not mentioning that.

Being 100% honest, this was my initial reaction too. "Hey persephone wants feedback ok I'll just ... wow that's a lot."

It's a sort of knee jerk negative for me especially if someone was looking for people to play in a world because my experience has been:
- The more of a world that is already established, the more likely I am to screw something up with character creation.
- The more detail an author has put into a world the more likely they are to care that I screwed something up with character creation.
- The game tends to be a long series of "you can't do that" or "they wouldn't work that way" or "x species would do never do y activity with z species"

I'm not saying you would do any of those things, I'm just saying that's my experience and that's why I personally probably wouldn't want to put in all the work to understand the very deep world knowing I'd more than likely miss something and have to do it all over again and then end up not really liking it anyway.

Have you thought about a "less is more" approach to advertising? Put just the bare minimum that players need to know in your looking for post and have the rest of it be like a 'wiki' that people can use if they need to but isn't required?

Hmm... Maybe I did go a little crazy with the information.

One thing I was thinking about, was just taking out the deity aspect all together?

Offline Timeless

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #19 on: December 18, 2015, 09:01:02 PM »
I just checked your thread to see on what you have so far. The others had pretty much nailed one very important aspect which you do need to fix.

Other than that, I find how you arrange your information and such to be... very messy. I don't find the arrangement neat, and it makes reading the information rather difficult, thus making it difficult to absorb. I admit that, maybe it's just my preference, but I do like to see information regarding world building and such to be very neat and easy to read for anybody who needs to check the information.

Why would I take the effort to read something, if you do not take the time to make it easy for me to read, despite you obviously put a lot of effort and time in building this world of yours? No offense, of course, since I'm just merely making an example.

If you ask me on how you should arrange your information, I would say, like one post, let it just be only about races and arrange it in where it's much easier to read. Add links in the first post, so people can just refer to it and click on it to go to that specific topic and so forth. Arrangement and making it easier to read for your viewers along with adding interesting pictures to give more emphasis to the setting and so forth, will definitely help either way.

Hope that helps. >3<;;