Tracking my Transition

[lilhobbit37]

This blog will be updated regularly. My name is Blake and I am transgender. For those reading, this is where I will post updates about my transition, talk about the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, and all the inbetweens.

It will be a chronicle of what I go through day to day, what changes occur and how it affects me and my life.

Many people make youtube videos of their transition, however, I'm camera shy and think this will be a much better way for me to talk about the things going on.

I officially started testosterone on April 2nd, 2014.

I am currently 2 weeks into hormones.

Feel free to read, comment, discuss, etc in my blog. I hope that it gives inspiration to those who need it, knowledge to those who seek it, and understanding to those who desire it. Just be respectful. This is my life, opened up for anyone to read and comment on. Please bear that in mind if you ask questions or comment. Thank you for reading.

April 2nd: Day 1 of the rest of my life.

The day started out like any other. I woke up and sleepily thumped through the house, getting ready for the day. Earlier than I would have liked as I had a busy day ahead even if I had the day off work. Fast forward a few hours and I was sitting in the waiting room, foot tapping, extremely nervous. I was at the doctor that I had waited 3 months to see.

I was thrown off in a good way right away. At the receptionist's counter, the first question they asked, "What is your preferred name?" It was clear they understood that legal names and preferred names weren't the same, and it was a wonderful surprise that no one had any issue calling me Blake even though all my documents still had my legal name on them.

When the doctor came in, she immediately introduced herself, called me Blake, and plopped herself onto the examining table, crossing her legs indian-style and began chatting with me about what to expect.

I was more at ease in 2 minutes there than I'd ever been at a doctor's office in my life.

And through what she said, I quickly grew to the understanding that she "got it". She wasn't just another doctor I had to be nervous around. She understood how uncomfortable my body was to me. She understood that the less intrusive the better. She made sure I understood that everything was at MY pace.

And within a few hours I'd had my first injection.

And so it begins. The beginning of the rest of my life.

[Blythe]

Looking forward to hearing more about your journey, Blake. I'm especially glad to hear that your experiences with the receptionist and doctor were both good; I hope things continue to look bright as you transition. 

[RedTronic]

Doctors that *get* the patients they're dealing with are awesome.  We're lucky to live in a world where specialization allows them to provide the sort of service you're using.

Good luck with life!

[lilhobbit37]

April 14: Testosterone Debaucle

Last Tues immediately after work I went to the pharmacy. I handed in my prescription to be filled. They had the needles and syringes on hand, and I was able to acquire those. The testosterone needed prior consent from my insurance.

Before I left the doctor's office, the nurse who handles this informed me she had all the paperwork filled out and ready to go. Including a secondary form they sometimes ask for.

I made sure before I left the pharmacy that they had faxed what they needed to my doctor (so that I knew the nurse would get her end done that day because they were still open).

It is now a week later and I have to take more time out of work because the testosterone prescription still isn't ready.

One week. 7 days in which they couldn't finish processing this.

I am lucky my bosses are so patient and easygoing about me taking time off last minute. I will be up to 2 hours late to work tomorrow because I now have to go to the doctors to get my shot.

This is absurd. If the paperwork was sent to the pharmacy asap, there is no reason the pharmacy should not have been able to fill the prescription.

What annoys me is that the nurse warned me this might happen. She said the pharmacies in this area drag their feet and cause problems with the hormone meds except for one she knows and recommended. They are out of my way though, and I have never had an issue with my pharmacy before.

I'm disappointed in my pharmacy.

Luckily I only need to fill the prescription once every 3 months. Less once I get a hysterectomy because I will be able to lower my dosage of t.

I just wish that my pharmacy had pulled through for me so I didn't have to make the trip back for another week. I need the money I'm losing by missing work, and I don't want to overuse my bosses' goodwill.

Other than this, so far hormones are going well. No changes yet, but that is to be expected.

[lilhobbit37]

April 17: Mom's Finally Coming Around

Today I was sitting at the kitchen table getting ready to eat dinner with my mom and her boyfriend. I have facial fuzz (not from the testosterone yet, I've always naturally had hair growth on my face...just more like a dark peach fuzz than a beard) and I haven't been trimming it lately because my trimmer kept clogging. I've been too cheap to go buy a new one since this one is getting worn out and dull.

So my mom looks at my growth and asks me if I'm not going to trim anymore. I explained the situation, and she simply said, "You are going to need to get a razor."

This is the first time she doesn't insert any negative comments, doesn't act like it is hard to talk about, or give a look to indicate how she really feels.

It was a pleasant surprise. She is beginning to come around.

Update on the testosterone debaucle. The nurse told me she just had a patient who had to wait a month before the hormones were approved. She was going to call to find out what the hold up is for me. I hope I don't have to wait a month and keep going in for my injections. Each time I miss 2 hours of work, and I don't get paid time off. My bosses are patient, but I don't like pushing their patience. I hope my meds go through soon.

[Strangefate]

I think it's great that you're sharing your experience with the process in such a way.  Best wishes to you.   

[lilhobbit37]

It's been a while, so I thought I'd give an update.

I now have the hormones at home. I'm one month and 2 days on T. I don't really feel any different yet.

I hate my binder. It does a lot, but not enough. I still obviously have boobs, because my boobs are so big. The one I ordered that I feel would have worked better was a size too small and I can't get it on. It was too expensive to try and get another one the next size up and had a no returns after opened policy.

My friends are annoyed because I don't want to voice chat to play the new dnd campaign we are working on. There is a friend of theirs that has only known me as a guy and doesn't know I'm trans that will be playing with us. I don't want him to hear my voice. They think I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

I can't wait till my voice lowers. I hope it starts soon. I'm tired of being called ma'am over the phone after introducing myself with a male's name. One sound of my voice ruins anything else I may say or do. Just like one look at me will.

But each day on hormones is a day closer to changing all that. I'm still enthusiastic and hopeful. One day at a time.

I began shaving my face. And didn't cut myself once.

That's all the updates I have for now! More soon.

[lilhobbit37]

So my mom has made it clear she isn't cool with my transition. I've known this since day one. But sometimes, I think "Hey, she has seemed pretty ok lately. I haven't gotten a rude comment in ages!"

And then she goes and ruins it.

Today was mother's day. On Friday, I asked her what she wanted. Her answer: I want my daughter back.

My stomach dropped, I was speechless.

I went from looking forward to spoiling my mom to not even buying her a card never mind a gift. She ruined the entire point of the holiday.

How can I celebrate the love and support of a woman who says that when I'm trying to do something nice for her?

I feel like a jerk for not getting her anything, and I probably will tomorrow just to feel better about it.

But in my mind, she ruined everything about mother's day with that comment.

So much for support and unconditional love.

[lilhobbit37]

May 28th, 2014

I just messaged my aunts and uncles on Facebook to tell them about my transition.

Here is the message I sent:

Hey everyone. So I've spent a lot of time thinking about how to tell everyone this. From what I understand some people may have heard some things, but I don't know who knows what and whether it is accurate information or not. So here goes.

I am transgender. I came out to Mom back in October. I have been seeing a therapist since then. At the beginning of April I began transitioning. I am on hormones to become a male.

I know this probably comes as a shock, as it is something I have kept to myself for a long time, but this is something I need to do. I've been unsure how to tell everyone, but my voice is going to start dropping soon, and after that physically I will begin changing in the next few months. I want people to be prepared for that.

I have legally changed my name, and on facebook will be changing it soon. I am out at work and my co-workers, supervisors, and boss are all very supportive. My friends as well.

I hope that you all can be supportive of this, and I am happy to answer any questions you may have. I understand if this overwhelms and/or confuses you, and I only hope this doesn't damage the relationship I have with you all.

Again, don't hesitate to ask any questions, and know that I love you all.

I'm nervous about how they will respond, but I know I had to do it eventually.

In other news, I'm getting a lot more acne now. Which is good because it means my body is starting to go through "puberty" for all intents and purposes. Hopefully my voice will begin dropping soon.

The injection site always gets itchy for the day of and the day after the injection. I rotate between both sides of my stomach and both my thighs. It bothers me more on my thighs than my stomach, but it isn't enough to be a problem, just an annoyance.

Other than that, nothing really to report. Will update with my family's responses soon.

[Mnemaxa]

An application of bactine or similar insect-bite relief will help with the injection irritation. 

[lilhobbit37]

So it's been a month since I last updated.

I had my 3 month appointment this week. My dose has been upped from 60mg to 80mg. I'm excited about that. She asked how I felt, if I liked my dose or wanted more. I very much am happy to be raising the amount a bit.

My facial hair is starting to come in faster. It's noticable within 2 days of shaving. Which is exciting but ugh got to get up earlier so I have time to shave before work.  I'm still not a morning person. Hormones can never change that.

My voice is starting to change, but very barely. One person has noticed. Everyone still calls me ma'am or miss when I answer the phone at work. I can't wait for that to change.

I'm sick of my terrible binder. The one I want is twice the price and sold out in my size. So now I have to wait to get a better one. The one I had was 30 something dollars and has already stretched so that I look like I'm just wearing a bra rather than a binder.

Other than that, my sex drive is through the roof. I'm masturbating 3-5 times a day, more if I have the time, and yet I'm ALWAYS horny. It is starting to drive me a little nuts, but part of it is my clitoris is definitely larger. And more sensitive. And my packer rubs against it all day long.

So that's the update for now. Not a whole lot to report at the moment.

[lilhobbit37]

Today is a bad day. My body dysphoria is at an all time high today. My binder isn't cutting it. I still have an obvious chest and I hate hate hate hate HATE it. So I've been saving for the binder I wanted in the first place but had gotten in a size too small. And they are sold out of anything larger.

And to make it worse, it is summer time. I used to LOVE swimming in the pool. But the older I got, the more uncomfortable I was in female swimming wear. Even in a tankini I just became too aware of my female body and couldn't deal. So I stopped almost ever swimming.

I want to swim. I want to be in the pool. But I don't think it would be good for my binder (especially if I get the one I want which is just shy of $80) so I'm shit out of luck. I don't want to ruin a binder, but I want to be able to wear men's trunks and a t-shirt to go in the pool so badly. I just really really really want to be able to go swimming and yet still feel confident and comfortable.

I'm just having a very crappy day today. I hate my body. 

[Oniya]

*leaves a basket of hugs*

[Beguile's Mistress]

I love swimming as you do but have had to give it up for several reasons.  I can understand your frustration, though. 

Thank you, too, for taking the time to write this blog.

[lilhobbit37]

Thank you Oniya, and thank you Beguile's. I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

*flops into the basket and wraps myself in the hugs*

[Beguile's Mistress]

You're welcome. 

[lilhobbit37]

It's been a while since I posted an update.

Mostly everything is still the same. However this morning I awoke in a very uncomfortable fashion and it was not something anyone warned me about.

I wet the bed. 

Now, some people may be wondering how that is related to my transition.

To put it simply, as my clitoris gets larger/more sensitive, it is making the area down there uncomfortable and strange feeling (for lack of better description). This has confused my bladder to think I am trying to pee even when I'm not.

Couple this with the fact I'm asleep and can't clench the muscles when I realize what is happening, it leads to a very embarrassing and humiliating experience.

I've never been so glad to sleep alone in my life.

After this happened, I talked to my gf as I tried to calm down, and she mentioned she knows of two different boys who wet the bed during early puberty. So she feels perhaps this is actually a bit more common than I believed.

And that left me with the feeling of wondering why no one talks about it, no one mentioned to beware of it, and no one prepared me for the possibility.

And of course now I have to wonder if I need to buy diapers to sleep in until I figure this thing out. I don't want to wet the bed every time my sensitivity is at a high point.

So, that is my humiliating and embarrassing update. I was reluctant to post it, but that is after all the point in this blog. To share my experiences. Not just the easy ones.

[Ariel]

*leaves hugs*

I look forward to reading more.

[lilhobbit37]

Thank you.

[TalonWench]

Thank you for sharing so candidly.  It's fascinating to read, and I hope it will make me more understanding of the friends I have who are transitioning.

Luck and blessings!

[lilhobbit37]

New update.

I haven't had a period since May. Which is good. Very good.

Only a little over a week ago I started getting severe ovary cramps. Actually almost 2 weeks now because it was within a day of my last update. I have had to take pain meds daily to keep from being curled up in pain.

And tonight, while..."taking care of business" (for lack of a polite term) there was definite blood. Not much. Just spotting I think the term would be.

But I'm not sure if I should be concerned. Will definitely be keeping an eye on the situation. I was told I may expect spotting until my period ended, however it's been just shy of 5 months and nothing, now suddenly this. Not sure if this is normal or whether there is something going on in my ovaries which shouldn't be.

I can't wait until I have them taken out. This stress is tiresome and bothersome and stressful.

Will update when I've learned more.

[Ariel]

*hugs*

Hope it goes away soon.

[lilhobbit37]

*hugs back* Thank you, me too.

[TalonWench]

How're you feeling, Blake?

[lilhobbit37]

I'm feeling ok. Things have been up and down emotionally for me the past week or so. I'm not sure if it is a T issue or if it's just my depression acting up.

But overall, things seem to be alright.

Edit:

After thinking about it, my above response wasn't completely honest, and I feel that here of all places, my honesty is important.

I've been having a rough time lately. My depression has been acting up but above and beyond that, I'm finding it harder and harder to live with one foot in one world and the other in a different one. What I mean by that is that right now, I'm Blake at work, and online/with all my friends. At home/with my family, I'm not. My mother still makes comments regularly to make sure I remember how not ok with this she is.

And at work they still use female pronouns for me all the time. It is frustrating, but I'm extremely non confrontational, so I can't bring myself to say anything no matter how badly it makes me feel. I so badly want to be acknowledged as male. I feel like until I get chest surgery, I won't truly be able to ever pass, and no one will take me seriously as a male.

It is very hard to have to be one person half the time and another person the other half. I feel overwhelmed by it lately.

But I know there is nothing that can be done but to continue forward, one day at a time, and hope it will get better.