I got this idea for NaNoWriMo 2012 and I have been working on it a lot in the past couple months after NaNoWriMo 2013's story was a flop (though I pushed through and wrote the 50k words.)
I'd love to do something with this story, but I have no one willing to give feedback that I know. After seeing some of the other stuff that gets posted here, I thought it might be a good idea to post a bit here?
Here's just the opening bit, think its enough of a hook?
Above the deck of the Siren’s Lament, the stars shone in the waning light of the new moon. Stretching her hand out to pluck them from the sky, the young girl looked up at the brilliant night sky with fascination. She lay on her back on the boards warmed by the day sailing under a demanding sun while the crew of her mother’s ship sang shanties and told tales of sea monsters and the merfolk that sometimes swam up to greet the ships that refused to follow the rules of the sea and sink them.
One of the sailors sat beside her and followed her eyes to the ceiling of stars above them. “Ye want one o’ them little one?” he asked.
She nodded. “I do,” she answered, pretending to close her fist around a fist full of the twinkling lights. She knew it would be empty when she opened her hand though and so she pulled her hand back to her, resting it over her heart and not daring to open it.
“How do ye plan on gettin’ it?” the older sailor asked.
“I don’t know yet,” she replied, pursing her lips in thought.
“Why not a net? Throw it to the sky and drag them down.”
Giggling quietly, she rolled her eyes. “I know that won’t work. They’re too far away!”
“Ah, I see. Ye’re a smart one then.”
“Ma says they’re leagues and leagues away. She also says sometimes they fall. I want one of those ones!”
“A falling star…Ye’re supposed to wish on those ones.”
“I’ll wish that I catch it then!”
The old sailor howled with laughter. “Well, I gotta say, if ye got anythin’ from yer ma, its most definitely her spirit.”
Slowly the girl sat up, still not taking her eyes off the stars. “Which o’ the Gods made the stars?” she asked finally. He didn’t answer right away and his silence made her turn to look at him curiously. “Well?”
“Give me a moment child, I gotta think ‘ere,” he chucked, stroking his bearded chin as he thought. “Well, as far as me memory serves me, I think t’was all the Gods that put a hand in the stars and the night sky.”
“Like they did Unitas?”
“Exactly. They worked t’gether t’make it.”
“Ye know the story better than anybody else. Tell me it again.”
He rolled his eyes and pretended to sigh deeply as if it bothered him. She knew it wouldn’t though. He liked to tell stories and he knew he was the best at it. “Alright, I suppose I can tell ye it again. Soon enough you’ll be tellin’ right with me.”
She giggled and sat cross-legged to listen to him. “Maybe one day I will!”
“Maybe.” He reached over and ruffled her already wind messed hair. “Where should we start?”
“With the first!”
“As we should. Well, Unitas has seven Gods. Deo, Lorain, Aquais, Iocus, Mulciber, Lilith, and Moras. They each lived alone in their own realms. One day Deo, the eldest o’ the Gods decided t’was high time they did somethin’ with their powers and went t’each o’ the others and asked them t’join him in creatin’ a whole new realm.
“At first they were afraid. None o’ them had done somethin’ like before but the idea bugged them and bugged them until they could sit still no longer and they all came t’gether in the Godspalace, a grand palace that connected all the Gods and their realms.
“They decided that the Godspalace bein’ a neutral place and all would be a perfect place t’make the new realm t’gether. They got a huge basin, the size o’ the pool in the castle at Peak and in it they put earth and water in it, formin’ the lands that we live on and the seas that we sail. They put wind and fire onto the land and water and one by one, the Gods put their own special thing in the world.
“Deo, the eldest went first. He put animals like cows and horses and pigs and all the things we farm and eat. When he was done with them, he created us; the Brevi. He made us tough and strong, able to survive anywhere.
“Aquais came next. We know her as the God of the Sea and we pray to her t’keep our ships afloat and our sails full. She put fish in the lakes and rivers and in the seas even more with sharks and rays and crabs. Then, plucking up one o’ Deo’s first Brevi, she dunked him in the water and turned his legs into a fish tail and gave him gills to breath. She created the merfolk or the Aquains.
“Lorain was third and he wasted no time in lettin’ the birds loose from the clouds. He gave the world the sun so we could see what they made for us. Then, like Aquais, Lorain took one o’ the Brevi and took a bird and mashed them together. The Brevi gew wings o’ his own and Lorain told him that he was t’watch over the Brevi. That’s why the Angels are our guardians.
“Now, Iocus is my favourite. He’s got guts. He showed up t’the meetin’ drunker than Barty when we set foot in port. Deo didn’t like that and threatened him at knife point t’leave and sober up before doin’ anythin’ in the new realm. They argued and fought until Deo sliced along Iocus’s face. The blood fell into the sea o’ our realm and from that day on magick was set loose on our world. He made the insects and the rats and the snakes. Then, takin’ trees and river weeds he twisted them int’ livin’ forms and called them the Fey. He made sure that the Fey could use magick just as soon as they took their first breath.
“Mucliber came after him. Huge and hulkin’ Mulciber had t’crouch down t’see the world they were makin’. He gave the people a way t’use fire, like in forges and torches. And from a fire he made himself, he set forth the beasts like wolves and bears and dragons. Then from the mountains themselves and the ice o’ the poles, the Giants came, made right in his image. Towerin’ high o’er the heads o’ the other races.
“Next was Lilith. She wasn’t happy with Lorain ‘cause she felt like he stole her idea for her race. She wanted somethin’ that was better than his Angels, but could think o’nothin’ on the spot. So she darkened the sky and gave us night and darkened the shadows where the light didn’t touch and from it poured the bats and the owls and all matter of night creatures. But the night was boring. It was just a big black sky. So Aquais took a silver disc from her bracelet and hung it in the sky t’give us the moon and created the tides with it, she suggested they all make stars, so they did. Each o’them made shapes in the stars t’represent them in the night sky so we’d always see them.
“When they were done making the night sky, Lilith took one o’ Deo’s Brevi and put in him a secret power. She refused t’say what she did and only called them Lamia. We know now that they’re lycanthropes and blooddrinkers and all matter o’ strange demons.
“Last but not least Moras stepped up t’the basin and with a wave o’his hand some of the people they made got sick and died. He gave the world famine, disease and death. He is the collector of souls and judges us for the afterlife. From the earth crawled maggots and flies and vultures. With another wave o’ his hand, the dead came back but they weren’t the same. They limped funny when they walked and they made all sorts of terrible noises. The Unliving, curse for eternity t’walk the realm with no peace.
“They called it Unitas, just before Deo decided he wanted the last word on matters. Iocus’s Fey, Lilith’s Lamia and Moras’ Unliving displeased Lorain and Deo and they declared that they were sabotagin’ the realm and doomin’ it. The anger between the Gods hit the realm in the form of great storms and earthquakes. It made the volcanoes explode the rivers flood. We, the inhabitants o’ the realm, felt it in our bones that Deo hated Lilith, Moras and Iocus. The Angels felt it as well and there was a great war between the races as the Gods continued t’fight amongst themselves before splitting apart once more and leavin’ the realm t’run itself.
“Occasionally they come by and they listen t’our prayers and grant them if they’re feelin’ generous. The nights when the sky is alive with dancing lights are the nights we know the Gods are watchin’. It’s the lights in the Godspalace shining down on the world.”