Scared to be happy

[persephone325]

Most of you know, I've had a rough couple months. So much tension in the family, relative death, pet death. Just one blow after another. Perhaps the biggest blow is the fact that we might be homeless in a couple months. But recently, I've received some good news. It's a weird, long story. So I'll try to keep it brief.

We were only related by marriage to the relative that died, and that was years ago. Maybe a little before I was born. When the person died, we were no longer related by marriage. But the family always considered us to still be family. The widower of the relative that died recently has offered my dad, brother, and I to come and live with her. She and my dad love each other very much, and my dad says he can see himself marrying her.

Now, we're not some backwoods hillbilly family of inbreds. We're not related to this person, and we share no bloodlines. I had to get my dad to explain this to me a couple times, cause I always thought we were related by blood.

Some time next year, we'll probably be moving in with her. She's wealthy, owns her own business and makes +12k per week. She has a very young daughter, and a beautiful house with a huge backyard, home theater in the basement, and plenty of bedrooms. She's such a wonderful person, and she loves my brother and I so very much. She's known us since before we were born, basically.

I should be happy. We won't be homeless or anything. But I feel scared. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm scared, because I don't want the rug to get pulled out from under us.

For those of you who have given me words of encouragement on my past blogs, you know how hard it is for me to be happy. You know I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I still feel like this is just a dream, because everything is going too well for me. I'm scared that if I truly embrace this fact and start to feel happy, that a bomb will drop and just turn everything upside down on me...

[Twisted Crow]

I know I'm new here but I feel that can relate to this given my own past. I would like to share a recent perspective I have come to learn. However, I would not want to offend by presuming that I would be welcome to.

The most I will say for now is that I relate to it. If you wish to know what I have learned, you need only ask. I am not here to judge but only be kind and support others if I am able.

[Oniya]

I should be happy. We won't be homeless or anything. But I feel scared. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm scared, because I don't want the rug to get pulled out from under us.

I've been through two foreclosures.  One, we were able to escape with our dignity intact because the house was in a good location - sold in 24 hours for a decent amount, and we got a moving company to take us to a temporary place until we thought we were on our feet enough to buy a new place.  The second one was in a podunk town that had as many 'for sale' signs as dandelions.  We slunk off in a U-haul.  I'm living in a property that my sister owns, but I can't bring myself to unpack many of the boxes even after a year of being here - mostly books - and it's because I remember having to pack and move all of them.

[kckolbe]

I feel I've had a charmed life, so I always feel self-conscious giving advice to those going through things I've never known, but here goes.  If you don't let yourself be happy, you might miss your biggest chance at it.  If the rug does get pulled out from under you it will suck no matter what you do.

[Toral Stimins]

I hardly dare to reply, but I'm still doing it. I've read your threads, Persephone, and I understand where you're coming from. I've been nowhere near to anything like you've been through, yet, I can still understand it. Next year is a long while away, take small steps, I should say, because of circumstances it is for me the only thing to do. Take a day at the time, try to enjoy a possible good future, but take every smile, every hug, every well meant good word aboard and just work towards it.

All the best, meant!

[Word Movement]

First, I'd like to say that I'm glad that there are some good happenings going on in your life. I've only just arrived here, but it certainly seems like you are due! What you've described is an especially frustrating situation, one that I've dealt with a lot myself. It's incredibly difficult waiting for things to go bad when they're currently going well. I don't know about you, but it makes me feel stressed, and like I'm missing out (because...well, I am).

I think it's the control-freak in me--I decide that if I am waiting on things to go bad, then they won't seem as bad when they do get that way (because, of course, things inevitably go bad. That's just what life is, a hodpodge of good and bad occurrences and a lot of waiting in between).

What helps me is to recognize this sort of thinking for what it is--an attempt to control the uncontrollable. Whether outside forces go well or poorly is far, far outside my realm of control. All I can really do, in the end, is try to accept whatever situation life throws at me. Sure, I CAN spend all my time worried about whether my good feelings are "actually" good or the result of body chemistry, or whether what's happening in my professional life is "actually" sustainable or just a good run for now. In the end, though, all good feelings pass, and all bad feelings pass. All I can do is allow these things to happen.

I have this negative tendency to think of bad things as "more" truthful, somehow. But good things are as truthful as the bad. If it's honest to recognize the bad, then it's just as honest to recognize the good--and if I have a choice between them (and I do), I may as well focus on the stuff that doesn't make me feel like crap.

But, that's just my experience. I hope that your thoughts sort themselves out soon, and let you enjoy yourself.

[Rogue]

Seph, It's okay to be afraid to be happy. That is perfectly acceptable. Not getting your hopes up is extremely cautious and sometimes necessary to defend yourself from having "bad days". On the other hand, I think everything will turn out fine. Assuming that this woman is intelligent, she isn't likely to go into bankruptcy and probably has savings as well if the worse happens.

My hope though, is that you'll be in a healthier environment. You have no clue how much I want this to work out for you. You should be happy as you've only proven yourself to be a wonderful person. Being in a healthier environment will help I think. And being cautious that this help is going to happen is natural. Good luck sweetheart. Keep us updated.

[persephone325]

Thank you all for your kind words. I really appreciate the encouragement.

I believe the reason for my apprehensiveness is due to the fact that when my mom goes into rehab for her alcoholism, I always used to go "This is it. She'll turn around, and get her life together." Then when it doesn't happen, I get upset and angry. Not just at my mom, but at myself as well. I get mad that I get my hopes up, only to have them be crushed.

I think this situation is similar. I'm happy to be getting out of this toxic environment, but I also don't want to get my hopes up in case it doesn't work out.

[Twisted Crow]

I had this "why bother getting excited?" attitude for various reasons. It's been four years and I have to sometimes tell myself "Cmon Crow, don't be like that. There's nothing to be gained from speaking this way." Training the mind to channel the upswing -- and letting yourself go to the flow of the positive and even negative moments. The balance between doing both is very hard! I know this next thing will sound like an after-school special but I'm serious: Don't ever give up.

[Anjelita]

Hi Persephone! I don't know you, and I'm a n00b, but I thought I would say something.

I understand how you feel. It's hard to be optimistic when that optimism can often be rewarded with disappointment. And it's hard to seek certainty in a situation teeming with uncertainty, or a situation you feel you have no control over. Those are thé worst - the ones out of your hands, hinged on the action or inaction of others. But living with anxiety and in fear, viewing things pessimistically is not going to help either. Only bring on more stress, which in turn feeds the anxiety and fear, and is just generally overall physically and emotionally draining.

I agree that taking each day as it happens help. Looking at the small victories along the way - the silver linings. Good things happen to good people. Bad things, too, but we tend to focus on the latter because the bad things always way more heavily on us. Try to stay optimistic - regardless of the outcome. It's hard, and I always find myself backsliding because preparing for the worst seems easier. But it's a trick - it only conditions you to start thinking you aren't entitled, when you are. It makes you think bad things happen because you deserve them, when you don't. In times like these it's important to have friends and family, because sometimes it's too hard to deal with all the fear alone. Talk about it, seek support from people you trust and who want to see you succeed in life. And try to see everything that happens, good or bad, or even neutral, as an experience to learn from.

I hope everything works out for you!

[persephone325]

Hi Persephone! I don't know you, and I'm a n00b, but I thought I would say something.

I understand how you feel. It's hard to be optimistic when that optimism can often be rewarded with disappointment. And it's hard to seek certainty in a situation teeming with uncertainty, or a situation you feel you have no control over. Those are thé worst - the ones out of your hands, hinged on the action or inaction of others. But living with anxiety and in fear, viewing things pessimistically is not going to help either. Only bring on more stress, which in turn feeds the anxiety and fear, and is just generally overall physically and emotionally draining.

I agree that taking each day as it happens help. Looking at the small victories along the way - the silver linings. Good things happen to good people. Bad things, too, but we tend to focus on the latter because the bad things always way more heavily on us. Try to stay optimistic - regardless of the outcome. It's hard, and I always find myself backsliding because preparing for the worst seems easier. But it's a trick - it only conditions you to start thinking you aren't entitled, when you are. It makes you think bad things happen because you deserve them, when you don't. In times like these it's important to have friends and family, because sometimes it's too hard to deal with all the fear alone. Talk about it, seek support from people you trust and who want to see you succeed in life. And try to see everything that happens, good or bad, or even neutral, as an experience to learn from.

I hope everything works out for you!

That is my problem. I've always been told I'm not good enough, I'll never accomplish anything, etc... Eventually, I just started believing it. And I still do. I often think that I'll end up living with my parents for the rest of my life... It's a constant struggle, every day, to remind myself that I'm even an "adequate" human being.

[Anjelita]

It's hard. I know it is, to try to think contrary to what you've been told. Especially if it's been force fed to you all your life. I know. And I understand. It's a long and difficult journey to realise that your self worth, your abilities, your potential does not hinge on how other people perceive you. I know that it's especially hard when you hear these things from people who know you and are supposed to love and support you. The ones we love always hurt us the most, because they know us the best, or think they do. You just have to keep trying, and never give up. And sometimes you'll backslide, and get gloomy, but you have to remember that you have a purpose. Big or small it doesn't matter. You just have to find it. You have to find your worth and hold onto it, you have to believe you are more than what people think you are, and that you are able to achieve it. I was always told I was too ugly or fat or neurotic to be loved, and I believed it for a very, very long time. Even now I slip down that slope and think "maybe...it's true". you have to crawl out of the hole and have faith in yourself.

Toxic situations suck. They really do. And sometimes they get to the point where you have to do things you may not think you're capable of or don't want to do. And sometimes to make the changes necessary you just have to get over that anxiety of fearing it won't work out, or the fear that, if you do it, you've burned bridges and can't go back. I don't know your particular situation, but I know that when under someone's thumb you have to get out, or else you lose yourself. And that's no fun to come back from.

[bubby]

*Just snugs*

I'm the same way. I don't ever let myself be truly happy, because I too, know that shit will happen.. eventually. People call me a pessimist, I call myself a realist. Like right now, dealing with new owners taking over where I live. History in this has always seen me fucked in the end, so now, I'm just waiting for that shit to hit.

If it doesn't fine. If it does.. I'm ready.

Just simply allow yourself to be content that today, things seem to be fine. Day by day darlin'.

[Anjasa]

Uncertainty can be a killer. I don't think you're scared to be happy so much as you're expecting you won't be, because people who live under uncertain terms, who are at the mercy of someone else, are very often disappointed.

It's natural to feel this way, and the only cure will be time, because with time will come certainty. Whether it will be certainty of happiness or not, no one can say, but it's easier to accept concrete facts (good or bad).

All the best, and I'm hoping you get your happiness :)

[Swan]

Feeling scared when things are going great is natural. But don't live in fear of it, enjoy every day, one day at a time. You cannot be prepared for everything.
I know this feeling all too well, I'm sure a lot of peploe do because of our own experiences.

*hugs* 

[persephone325]

I can't tell you all how comforting it is just to see your encouragement. I don't think so many people have been so nice to me before now.

I think another part of the reason why I'm so nervous about it, is because there's so much time before it actually happens. We won't be moving until some time next year... So any number of things could happen before then... >.<

[Twisted Crow]

I am kind to everyone. It makes me feel good to know that if I can't help solve a problem, I can at least take comfort in the effort of trying to help them come alive in their heart and mind.

I hope you bloom from this struggle. I know it is not easy.

Hope to see you around, miss.

*tips hat*

[Swan]

I can't tell you all how comforting it is just to see your encouragement. I don't think so many people have been so nice to me before now.

I think another part of the reason why I'm so nervous about it, is because there's so much time before it actually happens. We won't be moving until some time next year... So any number of things could happen before then... >.<

You're absolutely right to be afraid, but don't let that fear take control. Acknowledge your situation, and I'm sure you have, and move forward. That's all you can do. I wish you all the best, Persephone.

[arthenwel]

I should be happy. We won't be homeless or anything. But I feel scared. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You know I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I still feel like this is just a dream, because everything is going well for me. I'm scared that if I truly embrace this fact and start to feel happy, that a bomb will drop and just turn everything upside down on me...

I know the feelin. Just like the song. Something's gott to go wrong cause I'm feeling way too damn good.
I feel the same way, mate. Everytime I begin to feel happy, life cup checks me harder than the last time.