Topic: A Look Inside The Mind Of A Cutter (Long, but informative)

[persephone325]

Now before you go running away screaming at such a taboo subject, have an open mind and take a second to think about the circumstances in which someone would do something like this. Chances are, you know someone who has thought about hurting themselves, or at least tried it.

I am a self-harmer. I haven't hurt myself in over a year. I don't want to say "former self-harmer" or anything, because you never know when that urge will be so overwhelming that you feel you have to act on it. While the information I'll provide may not pertain to every self-harmer, the majority of it is seen in most cases of self-harm.

A common myth of individuals who self-harm, is that they do it for attention. THIS IS WRONG! This is so far from the truth, that it makes people who think the moon landing was a hoax seem like they're not crazy. The only people I've seen who self-harm for attention, are the people who parade around and show their scars to everyone and think it's cool. Self-harm IS NOT cool. It's not the latest trend to try out with your friends, or a passing fad. It's a growing epidemic.

People who self-injure are people who feel like they have no control over their lives, have poor self-esteem/image, feel completely alone and helpless, feel worthless and that they are a burden to those around them, and feel like no one loves or cares for them. They hide their scars the best they can, and often times put on a happy face in public as if to show the world that nothing is wrong. I used to do that for years. The pain just eats away at you until you can't take it anymore.

I intentionally slipped up, so that I would get the help I needed. I made sure that someone caught me in the act. It just happened to be in the high school bathroom by a counselor. If she hadn't caught me, I feel like I probably wouldn't still be alive right now. Granted, I still cut and hid my scars afterwards. But at least somebody knew and wanted to help me.

Another common myth is that only females injure themselves. This is also very wrong. Males injure themselves as well, but not always in the same way females do. Females are more likely to cut their wrists, or overdose on pills if they truly want to kill themselves. Men often shoot themselves. Hanging is evenly divided between the sexes. Common theories behind this, is that women want to leave behind less of a mess. It's also been said that taking pills or cutting your wrists is a more "feminine" way to die. Whatever the case may be, self-harm IS NOT limited to females.

Cutting is the most common self-harm method. The pain is instantaneous and gratifying, and the tool used to inflict the damage is the most common tool around. It's very easy to break apart a disposable razor, and take the blades. They are so small, they can easily be hidden in a purse, wallet or any other easily concealed location. I would carry a blade in my wallet, and store the rest in my bedroom.

There are quite a few methods of self-harm that leave little, if any evidence. Pulling out hair from anywhere on the body (including eyelashes. Yes, eyelashes.), digging nails into the skin, and vigorous and intense scratching. More extreme methods include intentional bone breaking, nail ripping, and skin tearing. Burning oneself is also common.

After studying psychology, and having experienced this first-hand I can tell you that just because someone hurts themselves, it's doesn't necessarily mean that they want to die. In most cases of self-harm, the victim simply wanted to escape from the pain of their life. I cut myself because I wanted to numb myself from the pain. Other times, I felt so numb to the world that I needed to cut myself to feel pain. I needed to feel that I was actually alive.

Cutting for me, was like a drug. The euphoria I felt afterwards, was like what someone feels after they get high. It's like a buzz. I would get lightheaded, and this wave of happiness and peace would wash over me. In that moment, I felt (what I believed to be) true bliss of some sort. I did not cut myself because I wanted to die. I cut because I needed an escape. I felt like the only thing that understood me was the little piece of metal I held so tightly in my hand. It didn't talk back, it would just listen. And it was there when I needed it. Always.

Along with self-harm, comes the stigma and being branded as such. Much like being labeled as an alcoholic, or drug addict. It's a painful label. But unlike alcoholics and some drug addicts, a self-harmer can easily be identified, if their scars are visible. Sometimes, we are so used to our scars that we forget others don't see them as normal. It's painful when you meet someone new and reach your hand out to shake theirs, and they catch a glimpse of your scar that you forgot to cover up in some way. Or, you get made fun of by customers at your job because they see your scars. A woman tells her daughter not to talk to you because the daughter asked her what the scars on your wrist were from, so she tells her daughter you're a crazy person. I was only able to use the "my cat scratched me" excuse so many times before people stopped believing it. And sometimes that won't even work once.

Self-harm and depression go hand in hand. But just because someone is depressed does not mean that they harm themselves. The reverse is also true. Not everyone who harms is depressed. They might just enjoy the pain. There could be any number of reasons. But it's important to look for the signs.

Withdrawing from fun activities, sleeping more often that usual, some self-harmers wear long sleeved shirts all the time if they cut on their wrists/arms/forearms, or long pants if they cut their legs/thighs. It's important to recognize the signs, and intervene before it's too late to do anything about it. Losing a loved one in such a tragic way is extremely painful, especially to the survivors who might have been able to help if they had only recognized the signs.

Self-harm is not something to be taken lightly, and is something that is a very serious problem. I do not believe that people who self-harm are bad or evil and will go to hell. I believe they are people who have become so overwhelmed with life, or their general situation that they feel they need to hurt themselves to release some of the hurt and pain that has built up inside them.

That's all I can think of for now. So, if anything sinks in, let it be this: Don't shun the self-harmers, don't make them feel more alone then they already are. If you do anything, embrace them. Tell them they are loved, wanted, and have a purpose in life. Tell them they are special, and irreplaceable. Don't stand idly by while their life is on the line. Take action.

[persephone325]

This was rather difficult for me to talk about, given my recent circumstances. But I can only hope that it helps anyone here who may have had (or still have) similar thoughts. Or, I was able to help provide information to those who have recently discovered a friend or loved one began hurting themselves.

I wouldn't mind answering any questions, either in this thread or in a PM. Self-harm is an issue that I hold dear, and would like more people to be aware of. It just seems that people don't take it as seriously as they should, more often than not.

[Braioch]

-Throws hat into ring-

I haven't harmed myself in...4 years or so.

Buuutttt -points up- pretty much everything she said.  For me it was a means of...expelling the internal pain that I didn't know how to express. Sometimes you hurt so goddamn much that you don't know how to even give it a voice, to give it life and thus a way for it to escape. Sometimes that harm, in whatever form it may be, is a way for the person to give that pain a voice, a means to express itself. I personally was a cutter, and I still bear the wounds, though I have no shame in them and I don't try to hide them.

Mind you everyone but the one on my wrist, (yes I sank so low I went there) has pretty much faded to the point of being unable to be seen. However, they are there, and others have noticed. It's good to get this kind of information out there because people need to understand and sometimes seeing those scars allows me to educate other people. I'm not that guy anymore, but I was and I understand what it means to be stuck in that part of your mind, to feel out of control, out of your head and under wraps from something that you know cannot possibly be good, but it works at the time.

Of course it isn't a good thing, but like all the other problems people have, it shouldn't be degraded or romanticized, both are equally harmful to the person who does need help. Whether that be professional or informal, they need the help. I personally had to reach that breaking point that ended up with a scar that isn't going away and is the most easily noticed. Coming back from that was a shock to my system that sent me into deeper thought, but thankfully not...well I can't say it wasn't negative, it's a hard habit to break, but...it was productive thought. Suddenly I understood the importance of finding a way to express it, mostly privately, in a way that didn't involve me bleeding. Writing and gaming became my medium to express it, I didn't show much of that to others, but I had others to talk too, to laugh with, to enjoy my life with.

She's correct, it's a very serious situation and should be dealt with.

[persephone325]

-Throws hat into ring-

I haven't harmed myself in...4 years or so.

Buuutttt -points up- pretty much everything she said.  For me it was a means of...expelling the internal pain that I didn't know how to express. Sometimes you hurt so goddamn much that you don't know how to even give it a voice, to give it life and thus a way for it to escape. Sometimes that harm, in whatever form it may be, is a way for the person to give that pain a voice, a means to express itself. I personally was a cutter, and I still bear the wounds, though I have no shame in them and I don't try to hide them.

Mind you everyone but the one on my wrist, (yes I sank so low I went there) has pretty much faded to the point of being unable to be seen. However, they are there, and others have noticed. It's good to get this kind of information out there because people need to understand and sometimes seeing those scars allows me to educate other people. I'm not that guy anymore, but I was and I understand what it means to be stuck in that part of your mind, to feel out of control, out of your head and under wraps from something that you know cannot possibly be good, but it works at the time.

Of course it isn't a good thing, but like all the other problems people have, it shouldn't be degraded or romanticized, both are equally harmful to the person who does need help. Whether that be professional or informal, they need the help. I personally had to reach that breaking point that ended up with a scar that isn't going away and is the most easily noticed. Coming back from that was a shock to my system that sent me into deeper thought, but thankfully not...well I can't say it wasn't negative, it's a hard habit to break, but...it was productive thought. Suddenly I understood the importance of finding a way to express it, mostly privately, in a way that didn't involve me bleeding. Writing and gaming became my medium to express it, I didn't show much of that to others, but I had others to talk too, to laugh with, to enjoy my life with.

She's correct, it's a very serious situation and should be dealt with.

I would like to congratulate you on having gone so long without hurting yourself. Alcoholics often keep track of their sobriety, and this isn't that much different. Urges are still urges, no matter what kind they may be. It often gets difficult to ignore them, especially when it's been so long since you did it. If you've done it for so long, it becomes a normal coping method. So you feel completely lost without it.

At least, that's how it is with me.

*hugs*

[Koren]

I want to thank you for posting this Persephone. I understand the bravery that it takes to open up a topic like this, especially from a personal view.

I too am a self harmer, and I hate the idea that it is such a taboo topic in the world that gets dismissed so much, even when it often comes along with other mental illnesses that are slowly, and very slowly sometimes, gaining acceptance.

I'd only make two small contentions with what you wrote, less about the way you presented it and more about common issues and again myths that come up with this topic almost every time I see it arise, both relating to the idea of being an attention seeker.

Personally, I hate the way that people say that to be a 'real self harmer', or to not be an 'attention seeker' (in the commonly used context of that term) you have to hide your scars (the same as I hate the idea that cutting is the only real self harm but thats another topic). I know you weren't saying it with quite a strong thing, but I feel in any discussion about self harm, this is an important point, the same as saying not all depressed people are lethargic.
I don't hide mine. My arms are covered in at least fourty large scars on each. I scratch more then cut, so often I can explain it away by saying its allergic reactions, or bug bites, (even though no bug bite in the world would bite as often in one spot but hey, it works), but I do have cuts as well, even on my wrists. I don't hide mine because... I hate long sleeves, the feel of cloth on my wrists and at my elbows makes me irritable and panicky. And because I don't like the idea of being forced to be ashamed of what I've had to do to get by, simply because society doesn't understand. But equally I hate being asked about them. I withdraw, I lie, I avoid the topic as much as I can. I don't care that my scars show, because its apart of me, but I do care about people knowing, which puts me in a horrible spot, more horrible when people don't understand that there are more people like me when it comes to this.

Not everyone who self harms, hides it away secretly, covers every little scar and wound, and refuses to let anyone know. Some people don't hide them, some people blurt it out to others, but those people are in just as much need of help as others.

The other distinction I think needs to be made is the definition of 'attention seeker'. In a social context this is often said with a very negative association attached to it, attention seeking is often taken as a synonym for narcissism. In my mind there two types. You have the type that does just want to be in the limelight and be the center of attention, and then you have the other type.

As Persephone said:

I intentionally slipped up, so that I would get the help I needed. I made sure that someone caught me in the act. It just happened to be in the high school bathroom by a counselor. If she hadn't caught me, I feel like I probably wouldn't still be alive right now. Granted, I still cut and hid my scars afterwards. But at least somebody knew and wanted to help me.

This is the second type of attention seeking, the plea for help.
This is the critical type, the attention seeking that needs to be focused and helped.

I saw someone at McDonald's a couple of months ago. I was never friends with him, just acquaintances through a mutual friend, and I hadn't seen or even heard of him in months. I said 'Hi' and politely asked him how he was and he just blurt out that he was cutting again, and showed me his wrist, in a public area, these deep cuts. Several days later I heard he'd been committed to a psychiatric ward for help.

Some times people just want attention because they want, need to know that they are noticed, that people actually realize that they are there, to see if people even care enough to help, and even just to try and force someone into helping them if they don't feel they can help themselves. And its hard for those people to do that as they often get lumped in with the narcissist attention seekers and shunned even more. Watch out for these people too.


I apologize if this is out of place, and if you want Ill remove it, but like I said, it is just a side I feel often gets ignored with this topic.

I also open my PM box to anyone wanting to talk about this too, if thats okay.

[persephone325]

It's alright, Koren. I apologize if my explanation came off the wrong way.

You are right. This post was also a bit...subjective. I was using my personal thoughts and experiences as a basis. Not all self-harmers hide their scars. It has just always been my experience that they do. I never met someone who was very open about their self-harm tendencies.

I apologize.

[Koren]

You have no need to apologize at all, your post was excellent.

Topics like this are by nature subjective, we write off our experience and if you haven't seen something else, how are you meant to know its there? It would be like someone being convinced there are no clouds simply because they have never seen any. You can't know something you've never been exposed to.
As I said in mind, I was less what you personally wrote, and more that its a topic and a side that often gets missed in these discussions that I wanted to open up so that people reading this knew that people do 'attention seek' for different reasons, and not everyone copes the same way. I was just trying to dispel a few myths about the whole thing

[persephone325]

You have no need to apologize at all, your post was excellent.

Topics like this are by nature subjective, we write off our experience and if you haven't seen something else, how are you meant to know its there? It would be like someone being convinced there are no clouds simply because they have never seen any. You can't know something you've never been exposed to.
As I said in mind, I was less what you personally wrote, and more that its a topic and a side that often gets missed in these discussions that I wanted to open up so that people reading this knew that people do 'attention seek' for different reasons, and not everyone copes the same way. I was just trying to dispel a few myths about the whole thing

Ah. I understand now. I just didn't want to cause any problems.

[mrwhitecoat]

My wife's Nefew is having a lot of problems and  has admitted to me that he is a cutter. Only I know so far. I want to inform the family but not break his trust. Any info will help.

[persephone325]

My wife's Nefew is having a lot of problems and  has admitted to me that he is a cutter. Only I know so far. I want to inform the family but not break his trust. Any info will help.

This can be a rather difficult subject to discuss with people who are unfamiliar with this type of coping method.

I think the best way to go about it (with just the information you've provided) might be to casually bring it up to the family. Ask them how much they know about it, what their thoughts and feelings are on the subject, etc. Maybe the best way to do that would be to ask them "What would you do if someone you cared about was hurting themselves on purpose?" and then just ease them into the news.

The fact that your wife's nephew has confided this to you, means that he trusts you. Often times, it's a cry for help and they want someone to know so they can help them stop the downward spiral. Sure, he might be mad at you for a little bit. But down the road, it's the best thing you could have done for him. In time, he will come to realize that.

[Elisyyr LeTharne]

 It has been 6 years for me. I commend you for opening up about this. It is something that should be discussed more, so perhaps those who do can not be so scared to get more help. Oddly enough I didn't get help. It just stopped feeling good to me, I don't know what changed. I tried other things afterwards, most of which I do not wish to discuss. I finally broke down to the point I just stopped everything else and began internal punishment. Hold everything in, torment myself in the safety of my own mind. Something that is irreversibly maddening, and I do not recommend to anyone.

 I am glad to hear you got help. I hope things continue to improve for you. In all aspects of your life, and I mean that with as much sincerity as I can possibly muster.

[persephone325]

It has been 6 years for me. I commend you for opening up about this. It is something that should be discussed more, so perhaps those who do can not be so scared to get more help. Oddly enough I didn't get help. It just stopped feeling good to me, I don't know what changed. I tried other things afterwards, most of which I do not wish to discuss. I finally broke down to the point I just stopped everything else and began internal punishment. Hold everything in, torment myself in the safety of my own mind. Something that is irreversibly maddening, and I do not recommend to anyone.

 I am glad to hear you got help. I hope things continue to improve for you. In all aspects of your life, and I mean that with as much sincerity as I can possibly muster.

I would like to say congratulations on having gone 6 years without hurting yourself! That is truly a remarkable accomplishment, and I hope one day I can say I have gone that long without hurting myself as well.

Though internalizing your feelings and punishing yourself that way isn't the best way to go either. I hope you can break that habit as well. You can always try blogging, walking/running, writing stories, listening to music, working out, etc. For quite a while, I would write in a journal to get my stress and urges out. It helped for a while, but then it just wasn't working like it used to. Then, I started country line dancing. It made me feel really great, and I lost quite a bit of weight.

But I'd like to say thank you for your kind words and encouragement. They truly mean a lot to me.

[Rogue]

*sighs lightly* As one of those who uses scratching and biting myself as an escape, thank you for this Seph. I don't often do it, and only once have I scratched myself to the point of bleeding, but I recently went through a depressive phase and I swear the only reason I didn't scratch myself to that point is because my girlfriend was there to slap my hand away and hold me. So yeah... even people who should be happy can have these moments. It's not something controllable necessarily, though it is something that can be helped.

[persephone325]

*sighs lightly* As one of those who uses scratching and biting myself as an escape, thank you for this Seph. I don't often do it, and only once have I scratched myself to the point of bleeding, but I recently went through a depressive phase and I swear the only reason I didn't scratch myself to that point is because my girlfriend was there to slap my hand away and hold me. So yeah... even people who should be happy can have these moments. It's not something controllable necessarily, though it is something that can be helped.

Well I'm glad my post helped you. I'm also glad you have someone who cares about you and your well being.

This may sound a bit silly. But when my sister cats were just little kittens, I had them up in my room to sleep with me. I was so upset over something that had happened earlier that day, that I decided I needed to hurt myself to make me feel better. When I had the blade against my skin, one of the kittens came over and head butted my hand away and wanted me to pet her. That night, I didn't hurt myself.

But I'm very happy that my post has been able to help people see and understand this problem. I wrote this thinking "If I could just get one person to understand the reasoning behind why some people do this, then I'll feel like I have accomplished something."

[Swan]

I hope it's not too late for me to comment on your blog. As a new comer, I want to say that I know exactly what you've gone through. Very emotional trying times, especially when you feel like there's no way out - but to cut or harm oneself.

Prior to actually harming myself by scratching repeatedly on my forearms, I sang my heart out being the daughter of  a loveless marriage. The tension was so very high, you could feel it just coming into the house. Or so my friends told me. But when singing didn't work anymore, I scratched my forearms to the point where there were scratch marks and I had killed the nerves in them, so I couldn't feel anything if I burnt myself.

I haven't hurt myself in years, but I still remember the pain I was going through at the time. I remember wanting to feel physical pain to the point where I didn't have to feel anything. Thank you for posting this.

[persephone325]

I would sing sometimes as well. I still do at some points, as well as writing in a journal. But eventually, the urge kept coming back no matter how much I would sing or write. To the point where it would be painful for me to not hurt myself.

But I still am amazed at how many people have done the same thing I have. I always feel like I'm the only one who does this.

[Swan]

Well guess what? You aren't alone at all.     *hugs!*

[persephone325]

*hugs* It's good to know. But at the same time, it's sad to know that people hurt themselves. Like a double edged sword.

[persephone325]

..... v.v I'm disappointed in myself.

I'm sad to say this, but because of my recent circumstances and other outside factors I had a "relapse" and cut myself yesterday in the early hours of the morning. (1/4/14)

I felt that instant gratification, and the pain felt so good... It's a small, superficial cut. But the blood made me feel strangely calm.

I'm just disappointed in myself for falling back into that coping method again... I feel stupid, useless, worthless... *sigh* I just set myself back about 2 billion steps...

[Koren]

No you didnt. You set yourself back ONE step. No more. Dont think of it like the end of the world that you slipped up. Circumstances happen and old habits sucks. You've still taken a million more steps forward by having not cut in as long as you have, then you did today with one slip.
Try not to think of it as worse then it is. A billion steps back would be if you said 'well ive done it once, may as well start up again properly, whats the harm' because thats undoing your mental work, not just your physical work.

ONE step back, no more, and one step that's very easy to fix.
Im hope you're felling better today :)

[Braioch]

Oh hon, you most certainly have not ruined all that work, saying that just invalidates all of that work you've put into it.

That urge will never go away, I just had this conversation with my bestie. It's something that people either don't know or don't really talk about, my family knows about the fact that I cut as well as that lovely scar on my left wrist. They know that it was a hard time in my life and that I moved past that as you once did. What they don't know and I have never told them is that that urge never quite goes away. You can go through dozens of hard times afterwards and be fine, maybe want to have a shot or 20, but nothing. Then something comes along and knocks you on your ass and your mind strays to the familiar release of pain inflicted on oneself and you remember the sense of relief, even if it was mingled with guilt.

This time you didn't pull back in time, this time you lost. You lost one battle, one battle against a sea of battles you have won, one battle lost in a war you are obviously winning. You didn't fail, you stumbled and fell, failure is staying down and not getting back up and since you already know how to get back up, do so again. Accept that the urge will come again, and forgive yourself now for giving in and forgive your future self for any other missteps along your future path. You have to accept your failures as much as you have to exalt in your victories, which means you need to acknowledge how well you have done so far and one fuck up does not a complete failure make.

Also, for you and any other, my inbox is wide open.

[persephone325]

I guess I was just overreacting. Though I did feel like I had set myself back extremely far, at the moment.

I think the thing that worries me, is that I liked doing it. I was like "I've missed this. I bet if I'm really careful, I can keep doing this and not worry about going too far."

I know that thinking is wrong, but a bigger part of me doesn't want to admit it. Since then, I've wanted to keep doing it.

(I just want to say that I'm not intending to use E as some sort of therapy place. I have a therapist as well as a psychiatrist, so I'm getting help for this. I just don't want to be banned.)

[TwistedAlice]

Self harm is a vicious circle that I am trying my hardest never to get involved in again.

I started around age 5, I got bullied for having autism and being "weird", I couldn't express myself properly and head banging was an easy outlet for venting. I couldn't understand why I wasn't like the other children, and I didn't understand adults either so didn't speak to anyone. I used to imagine what it would be like to be dead and hide under my covers with my eyes closed, lying really still to see if it would have made an easy way out. I didn't get any help until I was 16, and by this point had moved to scalpels and razors to cope. I once cut so deep I thought I was going to bleed out. I think if I had went to the hospital I wouldn't have such a bad looking scar now, but I didn't want to admit to anyone I was doing it. I felt ashamed.

I haven't harmed myself for three years now, but the notion sometimes still arises, may it be stress related or something out of my control has happened. Distraction works well most of the time but other times it is all I can think about and it is last minute that I change my mind.

I have now got gorgeous tattoos over my old cutting spots to deter myself from doing it again as I would run the risk of ruining my artwork.

I don't know what to suggest to people, as everyone is different, but all I can think of to say is distraction, a friendly ear, and learning a new hobby worked well for me....and also my tattoos.
Also don't get upset if you relapse, just pick yourself up, learn what triggered it and start moving onwards again. I know it can be mentally painful to resist the urge to cut, I have had to force myself to go to sleep just to get away from it, and that usually works!

[Cryptic]

Seph,

It is a very hard topic to talk about and to deal with, though I commend you greatly for bringing this topic up. I have to admit, I used to be a cutter, haven't cut myself in over 10 years. Though I have to admit, I still intently cause harm to myself quite often.

To me, it's a coping mechanism, it allows me to focus on just that instead of dealing with everything that is going through my mind. It allows me just to finally stop and focus sometimes as well. It's kinda hard to explain to be honest, so at the risk of sounding crazy I'm just going to say the voices.

No, not voices telling me what to do or anything else like that, I am one of those people that even though it sometimes comes out as me being ADD I think at a very high volume of many things. It's the best way to describe it, usually I have about 200+ thoughts going around in my head that it's hard to focus on one particular one. I have honestly found that sometimes it's just easier to shut my mind up with that pain. Or if something is just too much emotionally or what not it's a type of release. As if that pain can simply flow out all those conflicting emotions and simply flow away. It allows me to regain focus from the tornado in my head to file things away again or to just simply shut it up completely.

I guess I'm simply saying, we are here for you, if you need to vent or simply for the moral support, I am sure everyone, including myself will always be here for you!

[persephone325]

I don't mean to ignore, or blow off, anyone who's posted here and I haven't answered. But I need to say this.

I've started going back to therapy again. I started seeing a psychiatrist again. But I can't take the medication, as I've been suffering the more adverse and unpleasant side effects of it.

But I feel back into the self-harm phase again. I feel so fragile and unstable, that the littlest thing can set me off. Real life, online communities, social situations... Every little thing that stresses me out is making me want to do it. Especially when someone starts unnecessary drama with me. I can't handle it.

I just feel like I need someone to hold me and tell me it'll be OK. That I'll be OK. Things will work out, you'll get over this...

I thought cyber bullying was something that didn't effect young adults. Just teenagers and younger kids. But, no. I feel like every little thing I'm doing is scrutinized and put up for everyone to judge. And it's so easy for people over the internet to be such asshole dickheads. And some people do it in such a way, that nobody really notices how rude they're actually being.

I just want to crawl into a hole and just sleep. I want to sleep forever, and maybe wake up when people have forgotten all about me.

It's not like I matter, anyway...