Heartbreak and heartache happen to us all. We all experience them throughout our lives, moreso when we're younger and don't know any better, but sometimes when we're older and lose those close to us. When I got married, I thought I was done with heartbreak. I had the woman I loved. I was married. I thought she would be with me for the rest of my life.
I was wrong.
I was told Monday that she didn't love me anymore, and that she wanted a divorce. Now, we've had our problems...after being married for five years and being together for three years before that, problems are bound to arise in any relationship. I was raised to believe that you worked through your problems in a marriage...you don't just turn your back and walk away. I fought, again and again, to save my marriage, to change my bad habits, to work on my character defects, and to try not to let her own get to me. The more I think about it, though, the more I'm beginning to realize that it seems like I was the only one who was ever trying to change.
I think it's easier for her to give up on everything because of her own upbringing. Her Mother has been divorced twice, and living around that kind of instability makes it easier to accept in your own life. Whereas my Father has counseled me to do what it takes, no matter what, her Mother has set the example that it's easier to run away than to fix things, and to be honest, it is easier. I wish I had it in me to just say fuck it and run away. But I don't. Even though I know it's done, there's that part of me that just can't give up. And it's killing me.
I've gone through a lot in my life. I've suffered through worse than this. But this hurts more than anything else ever has. Since I was told about her desire for a divorce this last Monday, I've lost 14 pounds. Half the time, I'm nauseous, and the other half, I have no appetite from the stress and grief. I've been barely eating, just enough to get me by, because I have to continue working in order to be able to afford someplace to live once the divorce is final. I've been keeping up on my fluid intake because it's too damned hot outside not to, but that's been about it.
To make things even worse, my Grandpa passed away the day after she told me she wanted the divorce. She's always been there for me when I've lost family members, but this time she wasn't...and it hurt. I was alone and dealing with so much more crap than I ever thought I would have to on my own. Thank God that my family was there, and I'm finding out who my true friends are in all of this. It helps, but I just wish all of this shit would just blow over and be done with.
